Revelations on NC...if I can do it so can you!

[ChuckDee33]

This post has been really helpful to me and the site in general has over the past week or so. Who needs to pay out the ass for a therapist when you can just jump on here?

 

Anyway, it's been seven months since she left me and I'm just now ready to start NC. I realize that it's the only way I'll be able to move on with my life and let the emotional wounds heal. I wish I could have been stronger and known that it would turn out like this but it was my first real relationship and first love so I guess I had to go through it like everybody else does.

 

I wrote her a long letter explaining why I couldn't see her or talk to her anymore and I went over and dropped it off (along with asking her to give me back the spare key to my apartment). I told her in it that the next time I see her I want to make love to her and things will have to be different, if not, then I don't want to ever see her again because it hurts to see the girl you love leave over and over again without you. I tried to just hand it over and walk out the door and I almost made it but she was like "Hey, wait please come here!" So, of course I turned around and walked back up the steps and she asked me what is wrong (like she doesn't know after all this time ). I just got to the point where I hate being like that around her and I told her I didn't come here to do this (be depressed around her). So after 10 minutes of just sitting there trying not to cry because I knew it was the last time I would see her for a very long time, if ever, I just gave her a warm kiss on the cheek and left with tears running down my face.

 

So I read the letter and she emails me the next day, part of it said: ''I can't be in that sort of relationship with you but the last thing I want to do is stop talking to you. But like I said, if that is what you need to get better, then I will respect that. I want the best for you and I hate seeing you like this, and if not talking to me will do that, then I can do that for a little while."

"Yeah I have a different life now but that doesn't mean I still don't want you in it"

 

So I was weak and gave in and told her I wouldn't stop talking to her. But then I started thinking hard about it and reading the posts on here. I've been analyzing the way I feel when I haven't spoken to her or seen her for a while and lo and behold...I feel better that way. She went to New Mexico with her two friends for spring break for a week and during that time I really came to and found myself feeling OK about no contact.

 

But then last Thursday, when she was still in NM, she calls me. And it's like she was trying to have this normal conversation with me all about what she's been doing and how I've been. Yadda yadda. I'm tired of the quasi-friendship crap. She left me and is now in a serious relationship with another guy. Broke my heart in two twice and she still wants to keep me around somehow. I'm sure she was just checking up on me, I'm her subconscious safety net or something like that. F*CK that! I've got more respect for myself than to be dragged around on an emotional leash for any reason!

 

So now I've decided to seriously begin NC on my part. NO IMing, no calls, no emails because I want to get better and I want to be able to move on. I spent so long worrying about her and what she was thinking, I totally neglected to think about my own needs. She made her decision, there's nothing I can do about it and I have to be strong and do this for myself.

 

To everybody out there who still has feelings for the ex who dumped them...stop contacting them now and do yourself a huge favor! Yeah, we love him/her so much and miss them very much but we are only hurting ourselves more by listening to their voice, seeing their face, reading their words. By initiating no contact we can guarantee one of two things happening:

1) They miss you more and more, they eventually contact you and maybe want you back. By then, maybe you have moved on already and oh well, their loss.

2) They miss you less and less but more importantly, so do you. Each day will get easier and eventually, you'll realize you don't think about them nearly as much as you used to. That is moving on and you can finally be free from the painful shackles of a love gone bad. Rejoice!

 

Either way, you win, so to speak. Granted, I'm just starting this process but I feel empowered now because I'm taking back control of myself and the direction of my emotions. Just remember, if you decide to do NC you have to mean it and stick to it no matter how hard it is! BE STRONG AND HAVE RESPECT FOR YOURSELF AND YOU WILL COME OUT CLEANER ON THE OTHER SIDE.

 

And like my friend Red from The Shawshank Redemption likes to say - "Either get busy livin, or get busy dyin."

[whichwayisup]

Chuckdee, that is great!!! Keep busy, keep the positive thoughts and you will come out of this a better, stronger person.

 

I'm sure the next woman who comes into your life will be wonderful. And you'll be ready for it!!!

 

All the best!

[limejoose]

Dude good for you, NC really is the only way. I did the same broke up but still talked to her, that was the worst feeling in the world. Word of advice, you just started NC so it seems cool and easy right now but the feeling to contact her will creep up every now and than. Don't give in no matter what. Don't let her win. I know your pain bro, dang females get you wrapped around there fingers than take off to do there own thing.

 

 

Joose

"But Lord knows that I'm not you

And If I was I wouldn't be so cruel

Cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do"

-Jack J.

[aarsky]

As much as it hurts to do, maybe the no contact rule is the best thing to do for yourself. I, on a few occassiopns have tried contacting my ex, but in the end it really does just lead to more hurt and pain.

[Lonestar]

Yes, those feelings to contact her will pop up. It happened to me after 2 months and I had to lick my wounds again. It's not worth it. Stay away.

[alphamale]

for the 4th time I ask why people are so damn obsessed with NC here on LS. And what is so hard about it? It is self-explanatory and very easy to execute.

[greenhorn]

Originally posted by alphamale

for the 4th time I ask why people are so damn obsessed with NC here on LS. And what is so hard about it? It is self-explanatory and very easy to execute.

 

 

Alpha it is same as someone was obsessed 40th time for birthday

 

kaisa raha

[aarsky]

Depending on the severity of the breakup and the length of time you were together as a couple, no contact can be difficult. Dont forget this person was a big part of your life at one time and, like in my case, contacting them everyday was a normal thing to do. So it can be a hard habit to break.

[Lonestar]

Originally posted by alphamale

for the 4th time I ask why people are so damn obsessed with NC here on LS. And what is so hard about it? It is self-explanatory and very easy to execute.

 

It's not always that easy if you still have feelings for someone. You can't tell your heart how to feel, so it's rough never contacting someone you love ever again. I think a lot of people here want to talk about NC for support and encouragement. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

If you're addicted to a person, or love, or a relationship, it's just as easy to slip as it is when you quit smoking. If Love Shack dumped you and told you never to come back here again (and you couldn't understand why), how many times would you secretly pop by to read some posts. That may be a stupid analogy, but it's rough giving up someone who was a part of your life.

 

And that's not the 4th time you asked, it's something like the 7th or 8th...

 

So, on another topic, how does it feel to be 40? Do I have anything to look foward to?

[jellybean]

NC has been discussed on LS ad nauseam.......

 

This thread doesn't address anything new... it has the same advice and responses as the hundreds of other previous posts on this topic...*yawn*

[Donut]

These threads are very beneficial to people who have broken up and are trying to move on. They give dumpees support and encouragement to stop contacting the person who hurt them, which can take some time for people to realise that it's the only way to get over it. This IS the coping forum afterall!

 

I personally wish I had done NC from the beginning, it would have saved me alot of humilliation and further pain, but I know now for any break-ups in the future. We all live and learn from these painful experiences.

 

It's not easy to stop speaking to someone you love, or not have clear answers to what has happened, but the fact of the matter and the very painful realisation is that they don't want to be your lover anymore.

 

Unfortunately, some dumpers are very cruel in their methods. Either by still having the dumpee like a puppet on a string, keeping them in the background just in case, or by cutting the dumpee mercilessly out of their life, without much explanation. Who wouldn't be shocked and upset in those situations? Who wouldn't be looking for answers or the vague hope of reconcilliation? It's perfectly natural, but it's how you handle it that makes the difference. Maybe you can be a friend to the person afterwards, but not until you truly have gotten past the painful feelings and you had mutual friends or shared interests outside of the relationship.

 

I strongly advocate NC, not as a method of getting the person back, but by keeping your dignity and moving on.

[jellybean]

Dear ChuckDee33 and Donut......

 

Please don't get me wrong - I agree with you.

 

The broken-hearted come here seeking help, and it's a real comfort to find out you are not alone.

 

I realize I have recovered after being dumped (finally), and yes, I still had strong feelings for my ex, even though he lied, cheated, and told me he had fallen out of love with me. I was DEVASTATED!

 

And what did 6 months of NC do for me? Good news - it allowed me to fall out of love with HIM, and now I am no longer hurting. Funny, how the more brutal the

breakup - the more you want them back, just insane!

 

This has become a VERY good thing, I got my life back, I feel great, and other life events, inter-actions, taking care of myself, and being happy has taken over my desire to read message boards relating to coping with having your heart shattered in a million pieces.

 

My point being : LS serves a great purpose (though in no way replaces professional therapy), some will need the benefit of that also.

 

I believe a person knows they are TRULY recovered and have moved on, when suddenly they realize reading or writing posts about NC seems boring, and they are interested, busy, and involved with their OWN lives...and forums relating to coping with NC no longer hold any real meaning.

 

For those of you still in pain - please know that I have been in your shoes, and it's perfectly okay to share your emotions with others on LS....even though you are all probably at different stages.

 

I'm past those stages, and all of you will be too - eventually.

 

I hope I am expressing myself properly - my opinion is meant to be positive.

 

You have no idea how exhilarating it is to no longer be obsessed with NC.