can we fix this

[getbacktogether]

Hi, I've been married for 14 years together for 17 years. My wife filed for divorce last october and we were divorced in march of this year.

I cheated on my wife back in 2008 and confessed to her about what I did.I was truly disgusted for what I did because there were so many other things I could have done instead of cheating. We did try to move forward and we had another child in 2010. In 2012 our child passed away from medical conditions. We were both devastated but we were stronger as a couple( I believed).

In june 2013 she told me she wanted to be separated because she couldn't deal with my infidelity from 2008. I didn't know what to do.

At the time she was talking to her ex from 17 years ago and didn't know. She also cheated on me with him a year after we started dating. But I forgave her.

So during our separation I was working out of town and I was talking to anyone who would listen about our situation because I didn't know what to do, she didn't want counselling together she seldom talked to me. A woman at my work was offering support to me so I would talk to her. I noticed that she was started to get interested in my so I stopped talking to her. Some friends from work were planning a trip to mexico so I went. There were men and women on the trip, the same girl I talked to was celebrating her birthday on of the days and she was asking all of us for birthday kisses so we all did(a peck on the lips) at no point did I sleep or do anything sexual with anyone.

So I get back and my wife is asking who this girl is commenting on my social media sites. At the time I was confused as to who the person was but later found out who it was.

My wife then accused me of having another affair and filed for divorce. As time went by I found out the girl from work was sending my wife messages that I am sleeping with other women and and creeping our kids on instagram.I had her fired but my wife believed everything she said.

Even after the divorce my wife and this girl were communicating and I am caught in the middle. I am still trying to be with my wife but she says she can't trust me that I was cheating our whole marriage. I tell her and show her that I am devoted to her yet she doesn't care.

She still talks to the ex boyfriend and now she is sleeping with a 28 year old guy in town. She has told me they don't know about each other and that she is only friends with both of them. I believe she is doing this because of what I did to her in our marriage and I am hoping she will come back to me and we can start a new relationship. She is a good woman, just hurt and confused. Am I just living in fantasyland or is there a chance she will come back?

[KBarletta]

It sounds like you have a lot of baggage on both sides to work through here. Trust issues, third party involvement from both sides, etc.

I don't think all of the stuff you described has a simple answer. If you still want your wife back and you've communicated precisely that desire to her and she's not receptive, then you need to leave her alone for a while and hope she finds her own way back, if that is what is to be. Begging, or trying to persuade, is not going to do much good, I don't think, especially if she is currently seeing someone else.

IF she comes back, I would say you have to take it very slow and address your trust and cheating issues in couples therapy before you can truly re-boot your relationship.

[getbacktogether]

Thank you, I am trying to stay away and only keep contact in regards to the kids. It's just hard to love someone and have them think the worst of you. Is it normal for her to think I have always been cheating on her?

[KBarletta]

Is it normal for her to think I have always been cheating on her?

 

Well, given that you did cheat on her once, her trust probably never recovered fully. Thus, when confronted with evidence (even if it was phony) that you had cheated again, she's much more inclined to believe it. And many people have a "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" attitude, so when it happens a second time, that's it. I'm not sure how you get past that besides giving her time to sort things out for herself and then (if she wants) re-convening and attending joint counseling to work through those issues together. You can't wait for her forever, though, so for now you need to proceed as if she's not coming back. Otherwise, you're in limbo and that is no place to be.

[getbacktogether]

I understand. I am not ready to bring a new person into my life, I still love her, it sucks that things are the way they are. I have so many questions for her about the marriage bit I realize that the marriage is over and if we are ever together in the future it would have to be a new relationship.

I do know that if I was to start doing what she is doing I would never hear the end of it. She is being selfish right now but the again so was I when I cheated.

The one thing I don't like is how she tries to make people pick sides. Is that normal?

[KBarletta]

The one thing I don't like is how she tries to make people pick sides. Is that normal?

 

I am not sure what you mean by that, but I think it's normal in a breakup that for the most part, friends are going to come down on one side or the other in the fallout. It's rare that you'll have a person who sticks equally by both people, unless you're talking about a child of the relationship. It's probably a bit petty for her to force mutual friends to pick sides, but it's probably a normal byproduct of the trauma of a breakup.

[getbacktogether]

Congrats to you for your relationship working out. I hope that it could happen for me.

Don't be insulted by this, but if anything is going to work out for me and my ex I would want it to be pure so it will last forever.

 

But thanks for the advise.