Ex-Girlfriend says she was dreaming of me / Mixed Signals

[MisterAries]

Hi Everybody!

 

Maybe somebody of you can give me an opinion on this story.

 

My Ex and me met 15 years ago. We were together for 9 years. She is 33 and I am 40. She is a classy and educated woman. She was and still is my first real love and I was her first boyfriend and the love of her life, too. The first few years things were great! Harmony, love, romance, understanding for each other and believing that this will be forever. Unfortunately I started to treat her badly. I took her for granted and gave her the feeling that she is not good enough. I pushed her away.

 

Two years ago in November 2012 she left me for someone else. Her new boyfriend is married (though officially separated), has two small kids, still lives with his family and legal wife and is financially and economically and bad shape. I am the complete opposite of this man: classy, single (never been married), no children, economically stable.

 

From November 2012 I was fighting to get her back. I started working on my issues, I told her about my changes, I wrote her 3 or 4 letters, gave her flowers, bought her presents. We always kept in touch, communicated via SMS once or twice a month. Every few months we met up to go for a walk. We both live in a small town in the country side. Once or twice a month I drove by the horse-stable where she goes horseback-riding. I always had the impression that she was happy to meet me there. But my pursuing was painful because it got me nowhere.

 

From summer 2014 I started to reduce my pursuing drastically. After 3 to 4 weeks of no contact she usually reached out and sent me an SMS: "Hey QQQ, How are you?", "Hey QQQ, What about our meeting?", "Hey QQQ, If you like we can speak on the phone tonight". Interestingly I had not asked for or proposed a phone conversation then, so her proposal came out of the blue.

 

So we spoke on the phone. I suggested to meet up. I told her to come to my place, to bring a bottle of wine and we would cook some food. It was a pleasant and easy atmosphere but there was no flirting. At some point I told her to sit on the sofa with me but she didn't want to. After two hours she wanted to go home so I brought her to her car. I tried to kiss her, but she turned her head away. I told her that I still have feelings for her. She said that she knew, that she is in this new relationship, that she doesn't know what will be in 10 years and that I should open up to other women. I said that I love her too much to be in a platonic relationship with her, I asked her not to contact me unless she has some real and romantic interest in me too. We hugged, held hands, I kissed her neck and forehead. There were tears in our eyes.

 

One month after that I met her by accident on the street. We started talking and at some point she tells me that it was really tough for her not to contact me and that she had been even dreaming about me. In her dream I had a girlfriend and that girlfriend was "terrible". This is the word she used. We hugged long again, I kissed her neck and forehead and she kissed my cheek after I told her to do so.

 

Three days after that encounter she sent me an SMS: "Hey QQQ, Get in touch when you are back in town. I would be happy to hear from you." So I contacted her a few days later after I was back and we met up for dinner. We had a nice time. Good talking, no negative subjects. I didn't try to kiss her this time.

 

Last week I met her again at the horse-stable. I was flirty with her, she seemed to enjoy it. I told her that I would put her in my suitcase and take her with me on my business trips. I gave her a playful slap on her bottom. She cracked a smile. I proposed to meet up and do something in the evening again to which she gladly agreed.

 

This all is confusing to me: on one side she says "I have fully committed myself to this new relationship" on the other side she tells me that she was dreaming of me, that it is hard for her not to contact me and she seems to be happy to meet me out for dinner and flirt with me.

 

Aren't these mixed, ambivalent signals? Is this normal? What would you suggest me to do?

 

Thank you, indeed!!!

[tikay00]

She moved on already, and just using you as a free meal, and some entertainment on the side. You want to be with a women that talks to you like that, while in a "committed" relationship?

 

And here's where I know she was on her way to moving on from you. It took you guys to meet up by chance on the street to start talking again. If you guys never bumped into each other, she'd probably still be NC with you, and moved on fully in a few months.

 

Leave her be, and move on. Trust me, I know, a relationship that long, it's gotta be insanely hard to move on, but go NC, and tell her you don't want to ruin her current relationship. If her recent relationship runs its course, then maybe she'll come to you. If not, gotta separate yourself from that situation.

[idoltree]

I think you're mistaking affection for attraction. I think that you guys were together for so long that she has some pretty deep affection for you, and it is access to that affection that she doesn't want to lose. That's why she's being a bit more receptive to your attempts lately; she went through a period of losing your affection and she didn't like it. She was scared to lose you from her life.

 

But this isn't necessarily good news for you, because she doesn't seem to have attraction for you. I think you serve as a constant for her, because she knows she could have you back if she wanted. And she's known that for the two years that she's been with this other guy. This other guy who she has both attraction and affection for.

 

I think you're doing yourself a disservice by continuing to try with her, and I think it is negating the possibility for renewed attraction. Most of the time, that can only happen via her experiencing the long-term loss of you in her life, and you acting in ways different than what she'd expect. If you let go, really really let go, and stopped this pursuit of her, she might be curious about you. If you made changes in your life, got new interests, new friends, new love interests, new workout routines, and you were different, and she somehow found out about it, that might renew attraction. This strategy also has the bonus that you move on with your life and are open to other women as possible romantic partners. And maybe you'll meet someone who you will love just as much as this one and who won't leave you. The longer you stay attached to this one, the longer you go without meeting other possible partners for yourself. If your heart is still with her, you cannot open it to other women. You need to do that.

 

I understand you live in a small town. If/when you run into her, you treat her like any other casual acquaintance in town. You engage in very brief small talk, and you be the one to cut it short and walk away. And if she tries to reel you back in, you see it for what it is - her wanting your affection and your safety back in her life - and you (nicely) reject it.

 

I just think after two years it's time to accept that what you're doing isn't working. Hindsight is 20/20, but if you had accepted the breakup when it happened and dropped out of her life, you would have made the transition to the new guy more difficult for her. But you didn't. You functioned as safety net for her, and you may have actually strengthened their relationship.

 

At this point, I think what you need to do is pretty clear. You'll have to want to put yourself first, instead of her. You'll have to want to protect your feelings, instead of protecting hers. And if you're not at that point, after two years, it's time to seek some counseling for yourself.

 

Many people think that shutting the ex out of their life and moving on shuts the door on the ex for good. That isn't true. You can move on with your life, and she can choose to come back to you. She knows how to get in touch with you if that is what she wants. And she's the one who ended the relationship, so any reconciliation would need to be initiated by her. You, like many men, seem to think that you can pursue an ex like you would pursue a new woman in the beginning of a relationship; if that ex is the one who left you, pursuit will not work. Showing her how much you care will not work. Showing her how good you'd be to her will not work. This isn't a new relationship and she knows what she'd get with you. So walk away and let her live without that and see how she likes it. You are respecting her wishes, after all.

[lil hoodlum]

You asked if these are mixed, ambivalent signals.

 

They may seem that way to you. Her actions clearly say something else.

 

 

I hate to tell you this, but there are many women out there who like to act flirty and interested in a guy when they really aren't because guys like you give them your time, attention, affection, money, gifts, etc and get nothing in return.

 

Find someone else who will appreciate having you and can reciprocrate your feeling and actions.

 

 

This one is just using you for whatever you are willing to give her.

[MisterAries]

tikay00, idoltree, lil hoodlum,

 

All three posts are helpful! I am very thankful for the thoughts and suggestions you are giving me here!

 

And here's where I know she was on her way to moving on from you. It took you guys to meet up by chance on the street to start talking again. If you guys never bumped into each other, she'd probably still be NC with you, and moved on fully in a few months.

 

You have been really reading my story, tikay00. Of course we don't know but it's likely that what you are saying is correct.

 

she doesn't seem to have attraction for you. I think you serve as a constant for her, because she knows she could have you back if she wanted. And she's known that for the two years that she's been with this other guy. This other guy who she has both attraction and affection for.

 

idoltree, I have that certain feeling observation/interpretation is 100% correct! Amazing! Are you a mind-reader? ;-)

 

If/when you run into her, you treat her like any other casual acquaintance in town. You engage in very brief small talk, and you be the one to cut it short and walk away.

 

Thank you for that good advice. It is very certain that I will bump into her again. So this will help me.

 

I hate to tell you this, but there are many women out there who like to act flirty and interested in a guy when they really aren't because guys like you give them your time, attention, affection, money, gifts, etc and get nothing in return.

 

I know, I know. I just can not accept that she could be just like them... Do you think a woman you have spent 15 years of your life with would act like this?

[MisterAries]

And two more questions, if you don't mind.

 

Are you recommending me to go into no-contact? If yes, how should that look like? How about if she reaches out to me? How should I react?

 

Many of the furniture-pieces in her flat are actually mine. When she broke up with me, I offered that she could keep the stuff until she and her new boyfriend would live together (I didn't have any need and space for the stuff at that time and I didn't want to be a dick). To my knowledge they are not living together yet because he still lives with his family. But most likely he spends considerable time with her in her flat. Some part in me tells me that I should pick up my furniture soon, some part tells me that I should leave her the stuff because of the agreement we have and the fact that she couldn't afford buying new furniture nor could her boyfriend who seems to be financially/economically very weak.

[lil hoodlum]

I know, I know. I just can not accept that she could be just like them... Do you think a woman you have spent 15 years of your life with would act like this?

 

 

To answer your question, yes.

 

 

Some women are completely cold-hearted.

 

 

It is just best you try to forget about her and move on. Easier said than done, I know.

 

 

It seems that once women cross-over to the dark-side of using guys for gifts, money, attention, etc. they don't come back to the other side until after they have been jerked around and used themselves a few times. Unforunately, there allways seems to be another poor fool around the corner for these women.

 

Also would like to note that this woman has loose boundaries. Do you think she has been open and honest to her new boyfriend about your little meet-ups and gifts? I doubt it. How do you think she met her new boyfriend while with you?

[lil hoodlum]

And two more questions, if you don't mind.

 

Are you recommending me to go into no-contact? If yes, how should that look like? How about if she reaches out to me? How should I react?

 

Many of the furniture-pieces in her flat are actually mine. When she broke up with me, I offered that she could keep the stuff until she and her new boyfriend would live together (I didn't have any need and space for the stuff at that time and I didn't want to be a dick). To my knowledge they are not living together yet because he still lives with his family. But most likely he spends considerable time with her in her flat. Some part in me tells me that I should pick up my furniture soon, some part tells me that I should leave her the stuff because of the agreement we have and the fact that she couldn't afford buying new furniture nor could her boyfriend who seems to be financially/economically very weak.

 

 

Screw her!

 

You don't owe her anything considering she kicked you to the curb in a dishonest way.

 

 

Get your stuff and wish her and her new boyfriend good luck. They are adults, let them figure out how to live together without your help.

[lolablue17]

I don't see any mixed signals here. I see very clear signals. Her message to you is this:

 

"Hi QQQ, I like to play with my toy and you are my toy. I will play with it (you), and sometimes when you run out of batteries, I'll recharge you by saying "QQQ i miss you",and telling you about my rubbish and made up dreams.

 

I like the attention from you as a friend but i have to give you "something" for you to not dissapear, so i give you some kisses in the neck, and show you that i like you flirting with me. (Which i do like)

 

Do i have a boyfriend? mmmm... Yes i do, but as i'm a selfish girl and I don't really gives a s&it about fidelity stuff. I have lived in the closet for many years, from now on it's only ME ME ME, with anyone. including you".

[MisterAries]

Ladies, Gents,

 

Are you recommending me to go into no-contact? If yes, how should that look like? How about if she reaches out to me? How should I react?

[lolablue17]

I Don't think it's up to you whether she wants you back or not.

I mean - You could have some influence if you were a bit of a player because It's clear that she likes games as it's clear that you don't know how to play with her. (main headline - If she feels you are in her pocket, she loses interest, she'll like you much better if she has to conquer you)

 

If you enjoy her company and like this situation which she flirts with you while F$&king someone else, Why going NC? If you feel hurt, Yes - NC is probably the best way to protect yourself.

[idoltree]

Ladies, Gents,

 

Are you recommending me to go into no-contact? If yes, how should that look like? How about if she reaches out to me? How should I react?

 

Uh, yes. Your whole problem is you've made yourself into the human equivalent of a pair of warm comfy slippers that are always where she left them. When she wants to feel cozy, safe and good about herself, she seeks you out. When she wants to take a risk and feel sexy, she reaches for her heels, always knowing her slippers are reliably in the spot where she left them.

 

So, yeah, after more than two years, I'd say you need to switch it up and remove yourself from being a safe option for her.

 

If she reaches out to you, what do you think you should do? This isn't rocket science, it's just that you don't want to do something different. You're still somewhat convinced that if you just pursue her enough, show her how much you love her, show her how safe you are, she'll realize that you are the guy for her. In reality, being the safe option for someone who left you gets you left further behind, as you can see from your situation.

 

Don't answer her if she contacts you. If you leap at the first time she reaches out, then you're still a pair of slippers. In fact, you shouldn't be talking to her AT ALL if she's still with the other guy, other than small talk if you see her somewhere and are forced to say a small greeting.

 

I don't understand why you don't think you're worth more than being someone's safety net. Get angry and use that to motivate yourself to choose beliefs and actions that demonstrate your worth to yourself and to other people.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

mixed signals...

 

 

sigh.

[Simon Phoenix]

Ladies, Gents,

 

Are you recommending me to go into no-contact? If yes, how should that look like? How about if she reaches out to me? How should I react?

 

You don't react. No Contact means No Contact. It's pretty clear. And yes, you should go into No Contact. You are the safety net, the friend zone, the gay best friend. She's not attracted to you because there's nothing to be attracted to. You're an easy mark, a sure thing. That's not the least bit attractive, to her or to any other woman.

 

But yeah, No Contact means you don't talk to each other. You've stubbornly tried to worm your way back into her life romantically and it hasn't worked at all. It's time for you to stop scheming and plotting and being friendzoned and get your balls back, for lack of a better term.

[Bellaisa]

Ladies, Gents,

 

Are you recommending me to go into no-contact? If yes, how should that look like? How about if she reaches out to me? How should I react?

 

I don't think she's being a cold-hearted woman like some other people think. I just think 15 years is a long time and letting go of someone is hard. THAT is why you have to do the no-contact thing. If you don't, you will always be holding on to something that is no longer there.

 

She's not interested in you in an intimate relationship way anymore, but she can't let you go out of her life because you were a big part of it. And, you are having a hard time letting her go too.

 

Here's the thing, some relationships are not meant to last your whole life, and it sounds like this one has ran its course. If you appreciate it, but realize that there is nothing left to learn or gain from it, then you may have an easier time moving on and stopping contact.

 

No contact means no plans to meet up, no more dinners, no phone calls or texts - it's time to say goodbye and go your own ways. If she reaches out to you, tell her that you are no longer interested in a relationship with her...bottom line.

Edited December 20, 2014 by Bellaisa
Additional thought

[samg313]

Here's the thing, some relationships are not meant to last your whole life, and it sounds like this one has ran its course. If you appreciate it, but realize that there is nothing left to learn or gain from it, then you may have an easier time moving on and stopping contact.

 

Ya most relationships have an expiration date, this one is spoiled now and has been for quite some time. It sucks, might take awhile to rebound but nc can begin the process and at least give you some control back in your life.