Should I confess my feelings before going NC? I am the OW

[alliwantisyou]

Hey, so I will try to make my story as short as possible. All I am seeking is for an advice whether or not to confess my feelings to the man that I've had an affair with, who had and still has a gf.

I would like to mention though, I really don't want to hear that I was stupid to pursue that relationship, and maybe he used me or maybe his feelings were genuine - only he knows...

So here is my story:

This guy lived in my neighborhood and sometimes we ran into each other, but we never really exchanged more than a few words. At some point, he met me at a party, where I was all dressed up and having fun with my girlfriends. I was single, free and happy - not looking for anyone at all.

Well, he approached me, we spoke for a few moments and then the next day he found me on facebook and left me a long message about "how we live close and we never talk, and we should get to know each other". I responded, and that's how it started.

From the first day that we spoke, he mentioned that he had a gf and everything was going good between them, except that they didn't have much in common and much to talk about. We shared our experiences, and we kept having conversations every once in a while..Those conversations were long and entertaining, one thing led to another and we became intimate.

The thing is, the country that we met wasn't my home-country, I was there for a temporary work contract that was supposed to end 1 month after we met. He knew that from the very start also.

We hit it off hard and we exchanged a lot of messages, private things and of course intimacy. We both knew that in one month I had to leave and probably never come back. I let myself go, because I was enjoying his company and I didn't think of the consequences. And so it happened, I left that country.

He didn't make any promises and he even told me that if I was ever to come back to his country, he shouldn't be the reason why I wanted to come back..

After coming back to my home-country, I realized that I am deeply in love. Oh, don't worry, I didn't confess my feelings to him. Maybe only occasionally, in a few words and jokingly. We kept some sort of contact, but not too much. I didn't push him too hard and didn't contact him too often.

 

Two months later I found a job in his country where we met, and I came back.

After I came back, he initiated contact with me on a few occasions. In fact, we still talk (he initiates contact), but not in person anymore..only via texts..

The thing is...I am deeply in love with him.. The reason why I found a job so quickly and I moved back to that country was because I wanted to be next to him... I know its stupid and I know that he himself told me that I shouldn't come back for him.

In fact, I realize that he puts his gf first, and whatever he told me and whatever contact he initiates with me doesn't mean much to him. He just keeps talking to me out of boredom, or maybe he keeps me as a plan B...I don't know.. I don't want to know..

All I want is to let him go. I still have a lot of friends here and I enjoy this country, so I know I am able to move on. My only question is: should I write him a letter confessing of all my feelings and ask him not to contact me anymore? because these texts give me false hope and distract me from living and enjoying my life. Should I go NC without saying a word or should I get it off my chest and walk away?

 

I hope my story makes any sense.. thank you in advance.

[FusionCutter]

Hey, so I will try to make my story as short as possible. All I am seeking is for an advice whether or not to confess my feelings to the man that I've had an affair with, who had and still has a gf.

I would like to mention though, I really don't want to hear that I was stupid to pursue that relationship, and maybe he used me or maybe his feelings were genuine - only he knows...

So here is my story:

This guy lived in my neighborhood and sometimes we ran into each other, but we never really exchanged more than a few words. At some point, he met me at a party, where I was all dressed up and having fun with my girlfriends. I was single, free and happy - not looking for anyone at all.

Well, he approached me, we spoke for a few moments and then the next day he found me on facebook and left me a long message about "how we live close and we never talk, and we should get to know each other". I responded, and that's how it started.

From the first day that we spoke, he mentioned that he had a gf and everything was going good between them, except that they didn't have much in common and much to talk about. We shared our experiences, and we kept having conversations every once in a while..Those conversations were long and entertaining, one thing led to another and we became intimate.

The thing is, the country that we met wasn't my home-country, I was there for a temporary work contract that was supposed to end 1 month after we met. He knew that from the very start also.

We hit it off hard and we exchanged a lot of messages, private things and of course intimacy. We both knew that in one month I had to leave and probably never come back. I let myself go, because I was enjoying his company and I didn't think of the consequences. And so it happened, I left that country.

He didn't make any promises and he even told me that if I was ever to come back to his country, he shouldn't be the reason why I wanted to come back..

After coming back to my home-country, I realized that I am deeply in love. Oh, don't worry, I didn't confess my feelings to him. Maybe only occasionally, in a few words and jokingly. We kept some sort of contact, but not too much. I didn't push him too hard and didn't contact him too often.

 

Two months later I found a job in his country where we met, and I came back.

After I came back, he initiated contact with me on a few occasions. In fact, we still talk (he initiates contact), but not in person anymore..only via texts..

The thing is...I am deeply in love with him.. The reason why I found a job so quickly and I moved back to that country was because I wanted to be next to him... I know its stupid and I know that he himself told me that I shouldn't come back for him.

In fact, I realize that he puts his gf first, and whatever he told me and whatever contact he initiates with me doesn't mean much to him. He just keeps talking to me out of boredom, or maybe he keeps me as a plan B...I don't know.. I don't want to know..

All I want is to let him go. I still have a lot of friends here and I enjoy this country, so I know I am able to move on. My only question is: should I write him a letter confessing of all my feelings and ask him not to contact me anymore? because these texts give me false hope and distract me from living and enjoying my life. Should I go NC without saying a word or should I get it off my chest and walk away?

 

I hope my story makes any sense.. thank you in advance.

 

I think you should respect their relationship since you said he seems to have you as "Plan B". No human being ever deserves to be a plan B.

 

If you confess it will take a big emotional toll on him. Why not chalk it up to a case of bad timing and walk away? You can stay in minimal touch with him, but in the meantime you should live your life and not wait around for this guy.He's showing you with actions that he's putting his GF first. You should listen to those actions and not emotionally torture yourself.

 

People fall in love with people all the time. If it's not the right timing then you should let them go. Maybe if you could see their relationship was in terrible shape sure but it sounds like they are doing fine, so don't go and throw stones at them.

 

I'm sorry for your situation.

[DKT3]

What would be the point? Unless you thing him knowing will cause him to drop everything and be with you. It won't make you feel any better, it won't make him leave his girlfriend.

 

Ask yourself what is you TRUE motives for wanting to tell him? Better yet what would it accomplish?

[alliwantisyou]

Thanks FashionCutter and DKT3 for your fast replies.

 

FashionCutter - I agree with you. I absolutely respect his r-ship and if I had known that I would come back to his country again, I wouldn't have made it physical with him, out of respect for his girl. And even though he was my motivation to look for a job and come back - I realize that it will be unfair and ugly to try to pursue him. I just came back to be next to him, maybe in the hopes that one day - we will be together. Yes, I am deeply in love..I know.

 

DKT3 - good question. I think the reason why I want to confess is because I want to let him know how I feel but let him go at the same time - so that he doesn't keep me as a Plan B. I don't want to give him the opportunity to talk to me, flirt with me, compliment me (which he occasionally does) and keep me there stored on a shelve in case things don't work out with his gf. I wanted to burn the bridge and in case he decides to come back to me - he will have to put in some effort and not just move on to me after things don't work out with her.

Does this make sense?

 

In case you both are wondering, we are both adults. I am in my early 20s and he is in his early 30s.

[alliwantisyou]

FusionCutter - sorry for spelling your username wrong! silly me!

[Toodaloo]

Oh no.

 

The emotions you have now will not be the same as the emotions you have in 5 years time after no contact. No point in confessing them at all.

 

Just cut it off and find yourself a decent relationship where there are just 2 of you in it.

 

Good luck. These things are really hard to do.

[alliwantisyou]

Oh no.

 

The emotions you have now will not be the same as the emotions you have in 5 years time after no contact. No point in confessing them at all.

 

Just cut it off and find yourself a decent relationship where there are just 2 of you in it.

 

Good luck. These things are really hard to do.

 

Right..I guess everyone here is suggesting that it is a bad idea to confess! I will definitely follow this advice. I am happy I decided to put it out here, because I was almost about to do it...It is incredibly hard for me, I can't describe the pain that I am feeling...But I'll be fine I guess..

[FusionCutter]

You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it being someone's plan B. Every person deserves a whole relationship. He's likely just keeping you as a friend or worse, an ego boost. Be careful around people who are much older than you. You never know what they're thinking, and they have the experience to take you for a ride. And that's no fun.

[alliwantisyou]

You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it being someone's plan B. Every person deserves a whole relationship. He's likely just keeping you as a friend or worse, an ego boost. Be careful around people who are much older than you. You never know what they're thinking, and they have the experience to take you for a ride. And that's no fun.

 

Indeed. I think that in this case it is not worth keeping even minimal contact with him. I really don't want to be kept there as a Plan B or a ego boost - it offences my dignity. I want a man to conquer me and not just string me along until he is ready for me. I will just ignore his texts - if he will ever talk to me. Just like that, out of the blue...

[FusionCutter]

Indeed. I think that in this case it is not worth keeping even minimal contact with him. I really don't want to be kept there as a Plan B or a ego boost - it offences my dignity. I want a man to conquer me and not just string me along until he is ready for me. I will just ignore his texts - if he will ever talk to me. Just like that, out of the blue...

 

Don't ever feel bad about what happened. This is life right? Good luck. The guy that you want is out there. Just trust in the universe. It's important to understand that as long as you waste precious emotional energy on your guy, it will stop you from meeting someone who can give you everything. NC and move on.

[Toodaloo]

Right..I guess everyone here is suggesting that it is a bad idea to confess! I will definitely follow this advice. I am happy I decided to put it out here, because I was almost about to do it...It is incredibly hard for me, I can't describe the pain that I am feeling...But I'll be fine I guess..

 

We know. But look at us. We have all been there and got through it so you can too!

 

Give yourself time and get stronger again. Pamper yourself, get involved in charity work etc.

 

One day you will look back and wonder what all the pain was about. Until that day just keep on marching (in the opposite direction to this guy!).

 

I wrote letters in a note pad. I still do sometimes just to get my feelings out and the thoughts in my head away. I have never sent them and have no intention of doing so. I even wrote one in the confessions bit here just so I could "send" it on a particularly bad day.

[alliwantisyou]

FusionCutter and Toodaloo - Thank you guys for giving me a great piece of mind!

 

No more wasting energy and emotions. I will definitely get over it in time and I will do all possible to make myself feel good.

I am happy that you advised me NOT to confess and just go straight NC! I think this is the best thing to do, and it will sure demonstrate that I am not the one to sit around and be played. NC is a powerful thing!

 

I feel much better now that I know what is the right thing to do. Thank you!

[whichwayisup]

Do not confess your feelings, if you do you'll give him so much power over you. He may try to manipulate you, keep you in his life for his own selfish reasons.

 

You know he puts his gf first, you are his back up plan..Plan B. You deserve to be a guy's A plan, but it won't be with him.

 

Just detach and focus on your own life. Time and distraction/distance between you two will take care of this. No need to be dramatic and pour out your feelings to try to keep him in your life or get rid of him.

 

He isn't stupid, he'll figure it out on his own.

[Lady2163]

I don't know of this will help you or not, but I decided years ago to never be the one who says, I love you" first. I also will never saynitmagain if I don't know that I will hear it back.

 

I'm also in the camp that thinks he might just use your emotions to manipulate you. It can start so subtly.

[prettyeyes87]

I never truly told my exMM how I really felt about him. He begged me to tell him all the time and would even get mad when I couldn't tell him. He would tell me he was falling in love with me and he would ask me if I was falling for him...my response was " Define falling".

 

I am sure that bruised his ego, and when he decided to go back to his wife, I beat myself, telling myself I should have told him how I felt, and if I had would things be different now? The truth is NO they would not be different whether he knew how i felt or not. I read stories on here where the OW gave all of herself to the MM, told him her true feelings and guess what? He still went back to his wife or whatever. Knowing that it really doesn't make a difference is why I have kept my feelings to myself.

 

I also like the fact that he has no idea how i truly felt about him and therefore can NOT use it against me. He can't count on "love" keeping me around to be used by him...one less tool he has to manipulate me

[prettyeyes87]

I don't know of this will help you or not, but I decided years ago to never be the one who says, I love you" first. I also will never saynitmagain if I don't know that I will hear it back.

 

I'm also in the camp that thinks he might just use your emotions to manipulate you. It can start so subtly.

Completely agree. I let my exMM say all those things and confess his feelings first, but something in me told me to keep it light with my feelings. So if you let him tell it, he fell for me but I only "liked him alot".

 

I believe that if a man knows you love him, then he knows you will do anything for him...and that's where the manipulation comes into play. It's kinda twisted and no one deserves to have their emotions used against them.