Will we EVER get engaged?

[rams10]

My boyfriend & I have been dating for almost a year & a half. Starting at 6 months, I'd ask if this was serious for him. He's always said "I love you, I know I want to marry you & start a family with you, when the timing is right I'll propose, you never have to worry about where this is going. If I weren't serious about you I wouldn't be with you." He asked me to move in with him, goes home for the holidays with me & my family. But now I'm getting annoyed about waiting too long for a ring. I'll ask, "Do you intend to propose within the next year or much longer than that? Because I don't want to sit around waiting for 5 years, it makes me feel like you don't value me enough to do something as simple as get a ring." He'll say "I've given you my commitment, I will propose when the time is right, I'm just not ready quite yet". Says he has to fly home and announce to his family (abroad) that he plans to propose before he does so... because he hasn't seen them in 10 years and it'd be "disrespectful" to get married without first having the chance to tell them in person. He is planning a trip this summer to see them.

 

He says if I have to get engaged right now, then we might be better going our separate ways since he's not ready yet and I'm constantly pushing for it. I said "If you tell me you want to wait multiple more years to propose, then that'll solve the problem right now, since I won't be on board with that & I'll leave you." But he won't say that.

 

I just want a general idea, if he sees himself getting married/starting to settle down in 2, 5, or 10 years. Because we are almost 30 & I don't want to wait another decade to have kids. He said that is fair & he'll take a lot of time to think about it & then he'll give me a concrete answer on when we will get engaged & we can see how our timetables line up & whether I want to continue.

 

his family lives in extreme poverty far away & he hasn't seen them in 10 years but talks to them & sends them every bit of extra money he can, they are always asking him for money. So maybe he doesn't want to get married till he feels he can better provide for both me & them? Maybe that's why he needs time to think in order to come up with a "specific time frame"?

[Poppygoodwill]

I dunno...it does sound like you're pushing him and no one likes to be pushed into anything. Assuming he wants to marry you, I can see why he'd hold off proposing.

 

Why don't you propose to him?

[orangetree]

I'm sorry to say this, but to me you sound like a very pushy, needy person. Why do you keep pressuring him? It won't make him want to marry you only because you keep bringing it up. It's quite the opposite, probably it will push him further away.

 

You've only been dating a year and a half and both of you aren't even 30- Why the rush? Desperation doesn't really look attractive to a man. Plus, many many men aren't ready to get married before their 30ies. And a year and a half really isn't much. I know you want an exact answer from him like 'We get married in exactly a year and 3 months' but that's still a while and I also wouldn't want to make exact plans like these if I wasn't ready yet to get married.

 

You're right at one point- If you feel like he isn't worth waiting for it, break up. Staying together will only make you build resentment and it's not gonna end well for either one.

[d0nnivain]

You are under 30. Sit tight & hush. Don't push for a while longer.

 

After the holidays sit him down & calmly have a chat about everyone's expectations & time tables.

[MidwestUSA]

I was just looking back at your thread from November 2013, OP.

 

You're really lucky this guy is still around. Keep pushing, and you may just push him right out of your life. What's your rush?

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you're going to wind up single again very soon if you don't knock it off. He's made that clear. 1.5 years really isn't very long, particularly if you're in your twenties. People who are pressured into getting married generally don't wind up in happy marriages.

 

Do I think you should wait years? No. But you need to understand that the way you're going about this will not end well for you.

[d0nnivain]

You moved in with this guy after knowing him for 4 months. Marriage is a much bigger commitment. Give the guy some time.

[FitChick]

Tell him you want to go with him to meet his family.

[rams10]

I'm not pushing for a proposal or marriage to happen right now. What I keep pushing is a general future discussion! He should be able to tell me if he wants to wait a couple of years or 10 to have a family. In 2 years I'll have the option to take a 1 year travel position in my company, which I wouldn't do if we are engaged/newly married/planning a wedding... So why is it so hard for him to tell me where he sees us in2-3 years?

[Assada]

getting married is all about quality and not about quanitity of time.

 

If you guys are having great quality time. He could get married to you within the year.

If guys spend 10 years in a tumultuous relationship, I see no reason why he should marry you. He's not obligated to.

 

So far, with you pressuring him, I think the quality time isnt looking very good

[soyou]

I may be wrong but based on your tone/writing, it seems that you're very pushy.

Nobody likes to be pushed, especially when it comes to love, commitment, and marriage. It should come natural and out of willingness....

 

When a person is not ready, he's not ready. It's difficult to estimate when he will be ready because perhaps he also doesnt know it himself. But what I know for sure is that if he has a good time with you and being around you, he'll be ready soon and more than glad to have you in his life for good.

 

If you think you dont want to wait or have the patience to wait, then you can just drop off this relationship.

 

To be honest, if somebody always nags and pushes me into something which I'm not ready, i will 1000% become pissed and shift from love to annoyence, irritation, and finally dump this person.

[Poppyolive]

I'm going to come in from a different angle. If commitment, time frame for engagement, marriage & kids is important to you. Then its important. You have every right to question his intentions, as it is after all a part of your life & where you are going. My advice to you is, you've stated your request, now give him space to come back yo you. Now, you dear, have a time frame in your head of when you want the proposal. Stick to it, don't waiver. If he comes back all wishy washy, wanting time, doesn't know etc etc....when your time frame hits (be it 6 months, one year whatever) and there is no proposal then leave. No ultimatums, its just not matching what you want. Then you are free to find someone more serious about you & their life.

 

I dated my ex for 6 years. I'm now 33, we split a year and a half ago. At year 3, I was 30. I questioned like you, where did he see us going (we lived together). He saw us married & kids. I was the one, he knew he would marry me. Year 4. No proposal. I questioned again asking for a time frame (I really want to try and have kids) he said, most definitely, give me time, within the next 6 months. Six months, I got excuses, money, just a little more time whatever.. He requested another 3 months. We chatted about our wedding, where we would live, parenting styles etc.. This went on until year 5 together, then he left. He says he wasn't ready and that he doesn't want to hold me back. Gosh, I was furious. Time wasting. I'm now 33. Single. I wish to death I stuck to a time frame in my mind and left when it didn't happen. That would of been 3 years ago.

 

There's not much more you can do, you've stated what you want. Put a timer on it and leave. I know he may not be like my ex. But its just another perspective to look at. My ex told me I was the one, when we split he said he wasn't sure all along. Needing time was for him, then he figured out how wasn't ready and wouldn't be until he was 35-38. I gave him too much power/control over the direction of my life. Don't make the same mistake.

[d0nnivain]

. So why is it so hard for him to tell me where he sees us in2-3 years?

 

Where do you see us in 2-3 years? is a vastly different conversation from Why haven't you proposed yet?

[Diezel]

Just dump him now and find someone who will give you ALLLLL the plans in the world immediately to fit your timetable.

 

Just do like this one girl I went out with. At a first date, she present me with an Excel spreadsheet highlighting her timetable and when she wanted everything to happen. That way you can filter them out quick and not "waste your time".

 

You just sound like the "biological window ticking" kind of woman. And that's probably EXACTLY why he's taking his time.

[Ruby Slippers]

I just want a general idea, if he sees himself getting married/starting to settle down in 2, 5, or 10 years. Because we are almost 30 & I don't want to wait another decade to have kids. He said that is fair & he'll take a lot of time to think about it & then he'll give me a concrete answer on when we will get engaged & we can see how our timetables line up & whether I want to continue.

While I agree with the others that your tone about all this sounds rather abrasive, I think you're smart to ask for a general idea of the timeline he has in mind, and make sure it agrees with yours. If he doesn't know that after a 1 1/2 year relationship, he's still not sure you're it for him, and you'd likely be smart to move on.

[rams10]

I just don't want a guy who's ambivalent about me. Who might, maybe, propose in 5 years if he's feeling like it & no better options are around. A guy who would much rather lose me now than propose within the next years, because that's how special he thinks I am.

[Kadie]

I must agree with some of the responses saying that you are pressuring him but I also see where youre coming from. He's saying that he would do it but not when. Two of you all are in the relationship, he cant just do things when it feels right for him, you all should come up with a mutual time frame. No one wants to wait forever. While you're kinda overbearing by asking him persistently if he gives you an answer I'm guessing you would stop. He maybe doesnt know when but at least give a suitable time period. The right time for him may be at 35-40 and that may not be right for you, I think you deserve to know before you waste years waiting and then find out youre near 40.

 

Don't think money is a factor here when courthouse weddings exist. Commitment is what I think you're aiming for. Good luck.

[Gaeta]

No he won't propose.

 

All he says he needs to do first is an excuse. At 30 you don't need to travel to tell family you have not seen in 10 years to tell them you are getting engaged. You call them up and tell them 'I got engaged'.

 

He is delaying because he is unsure you're 'the one' and he needs more time. He cannot tell you because you're a pushy and needy and you'll give him a big scene.

 

You need a time frame? Give yourself one and keep it to yourself and stop nagging him. If by Xmas 2015 he has not proposed then walk away.

[rams10]

If he were so sure he didn't want to marry me, and it's obvious I won't wait forever without being unhappy... Then why not just break up with me now?

[Gaeta]

If he were so sure he didn't want to marry me, and it's obvious I won't wait forever without being unhappy... Then why not just break up with me now?

 

He is unsure, people need time to confirm their feelings and their level of commitment.

 

How long are you ready to wait? Why have him decide, decide yourself when enough is enough.

[rams10]

 

How long are you ready to wait? Why have him decide, decide yourself when enough is enough.

 

Even I believe that 1.5 years is too early to get engaged. I'd want to walk after 3 years. I'm just trying to save myself even that much time.... I figured if he knew he didn't want to marry me, then he'd just cut me loose now so he didn't have to "deal with it."

[Gaeta]

Even I believe that 1.5 years is too early to get engaged. I'd want to walk after 3 years. I'm just trying to save myself even that much time.... I figured if he knew he didn't want to marry me, then he'd just cut me loose now so he didn't have to "deal with it."

 

Do you want to take your time and do this right or you want to rush this and end up in a divorce a couple of years later. Leave the man alone with this. If you are ready to give this another year than do and stop nagging him about it. You cannot control how he feels, and how he does not feel. He is not ready to give you a commitment now, what part you don't understand?

[rams10]

Took him a year to say he loved me, bc he's never said it to any other girl - or to his own dad. Finally, when I brought up the marriage issue, he said "I love you, ok? I've never said that to any girl. I want to start a family with you & I'll do it when the time is right." I basically said "I'm going out with my friend" & went out for the night. Meanwhile, I found out, he went to a bar for a drink alone (which he does occasionally) but then texted this single girl from his old job to join him. She was unable. He proceeded to text-flirt with her for the next week, then apologized & said he had a GF and was sory if he gave her the wrong impression. She said "no it's cool, we live far away so I'd assumed we'd just be friends." It bugged me for him to keep talking to her (even without flirtiness anymore), so he eventually told me he stopped.

[d0nnivain]

If it took him one year to say the words I love you, why on earth do you think he can even wrap his head around marriage 6 months later?

 

 

If you are truly willing to wait 3 years to get engaged, power down now. Do not say another blessed word about marriage for at least 6 months. Be sweet. Be loving. See what happens. That ought to put him in a much better more receptive frame of mind then your constant harping.

[PinkElephants]

it makes me feel like you don't value me enough to do something as simple as get a ring

 

OP, you're not asking for a simple piece of jewelry; you're asking for the rest of his life. Those are two vastly different things.

 

He's looking at your oppressive questioning and demands and is imagining being married to you. It probably doesn't look pretty from his point of view.

 

Why not quiet down, enjoy your relationship, and plan on taking the position abroad in 2 years? Your life isn't dictated by his even though you're trying to dictate his. Expectations are unborn resentments and you're living proof of that. You expect marriage, you expect an answer, you expect a timeline and you're poisoning your relationship with your impatience. Chill out and back off.