MidwestUSA Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Took him a year to say he loved me, bc he's never said it to any other girl - or to his own dad. Finally, when I brought up the marriage issue, he said "I love you, ok? I've never said that to any girl. I want to start a family with you & I'll do it when the time is right." I basically said "I'm going out with my friend" & went out for the night. He gets real with you and you turn around and go out with a friend? This guy has the patience of a saint. You should have gone out for a drink together to talk further. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Perrier Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 No he won't propose. All he says he needs to do first is an excuse. At 30 you don't need to travel to tell family you have not seen in 10 years to tell them you are getting engaged. He is delaying because he is unsure you're 'the one' and he needs more time. He cannot tell you because you're a pushy and needy and you'll give him a big scene. I do agree with the above poster. He does not feel you are 'the one.' While I understand your concerns, your approach (ultimatums / pressure) will not seal the deal, and if it does, he'll always be looking for a way out and you'll feel cheated out of the 'cherishment' you would otherwise have had if he came to you of his own free will. The above situation is also a reason why I am NOT a fan of living together before marriage. Cohabitation means he already 'has you' so feels no obligation to go further. The best thing you can do is set your own timeframe and if he doesn't meet it, walk away. Checkout 'The Reverse Ultimatum' by Mimi Tanner. You might see yourself in there. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 If he were so sure he didn't want to marry me, and it's obvious I won't wait forever without being unhappy... Then why not just break up with me now? A lot of people would rather stick with The Sure Thing because it's a lot easier than finding True Love or The One. It's certainly not a great sign that when he said he loved you, your reaction was to go out with a friend without him, and his was to go out alone and start flirting with another woman via text. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 It's certainly not a great sign that when he said he loved you, your reaction was to go out with a friend without him, and his was to go out alone and start flirting with another woman via text. Exactly. I'm guessing he had a really hard time finally verbalizing it (for the first time to anyone?) and could have used some support. My husband was so rattled, but relieved, when he accidentally let it slip. It was a weight off his chest, and we spent about three hours talking about the implications, and where we'd go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
AVarma Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Where do you see us in 2-3 years? is a vastly different conversation from Why haven't you proposed yet? A woman proposing to a man? Call me old-fashioned but I would feel pathetic if this happened to me. A man should always do the proposing. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 A woman proposing to a man? Call me old-fashioned but I would feel pathetic if this happened to me. A man should always do the proposing. I did not suggest she propose to him. What I said was that when she constantly demands of him "Why having you proposed to me yet?" that is a huge negative. If she calmly asked, "where do you see us in 2-3 years?" that less pressure filled question may generate the dialogue she claims will satisfy her for now. Link to post Share on other sites
orangetree Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 (edited) The problem is that the OP expects something that usually doesn't work that way. Of course we would all love to meet the man (or woman) of our lives at a young age and then this person could directly tell us (or tell us at an early point of the relationship) exactly where this is going and could promise us to get married to us in two years or whatever. It doesn't work that way. Relationships cannot be planned that far in advance, especially if people are still young. Lives change, people change, relationships change. All you can do is wait and hope for the best. Of course it's good to talk about future plans, but not all the time (after all, you're living NOW and not in the future) and without pressuring somebody who's clearly not ready. I don't necessarily agree with the others that you're not the one for him. I also do think it's an excuse when he said he has to go to his family first to announce that you're getting engaged, but I think he could have used that excuse because he was worried what your reaction would be if he was honest and just told you 'I just don't feel ready yet, that's it'. That should make you think. He rather makes up excuses than being honest to you. He already told you that he loves you and wants a future with you, give the man time without bringing it (marriage) up again and again! But yes, set a time line in your head without(!) telling him, like 1-2 years or whatever time you're willing to wait for a proposal. Don't give him an ultimatum, that will pressure him even more. If he hasn't proposed after 3 years (if that's what you're willing to wait), walk. By the way, what about your careers? Are you both having good careers and financially stable? Edited December 18, 2014 by orangetree Link to post Share on other sites
cactusgal Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Meanwhile, I found out, he went to a bar for a drink alone (which he does occasionally) but then texted this single girl from his old job to join him. She was unable. He proceeded to text-flirt with her for the next week, then apologized & said he had a GF and was sory if he gave her the wrong impression. She said "no it's cool, we live far away so I'd assumed we'd just be friends." It bugged me for him to keep talking to her (even without flirtiness anymore), so he eventually told me he stopped. Sorry, I was with you until I read this. This isn't love. You need to pay attention to his actions and not his words. This guy doesn't love you, or respect you. I'd start walking if I were you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Took him a year to say he loved me, bc he's never said it to any other girl - or to his own dad. Finally, when I brought up the marriage issue, he said "I love you, ok? I've never said that to any girl. I want to start a family with you & I'll do it when the time is right." I basically said "I'm going out with my friend" & went out for the night. Meanwhile, I found out, he went to a bar for a drink alone (which he does occasionally) but then texted this single girl from his old job to join him. She was unable. He proceeded to text-flirt with her for the next week, then apologized & said he had a GF and was sory if he gave her the wrong impression. She said "no it's cool, we live far away so I'd assumed we'd just be friends." It bugged me for him to keep talking to her (even without flirtiness anymore), so he eventually told me he stopped. This to me is a knee jerk reaction from a man that is not ready to fully commit, period. Let me explain. He had just told you he loved you and wanted marriage and family with you. I am not sure it came out of him on its own I think you pressured him to say something like this. For him to say this was a huge step forward into a relation. A step he was not ready to make. That is why he texted that other girl, to distance himself from all those promises he had been pressured to make to you earlier. I would even say while he was sitting at that bar he was considering ending your relationship that is why he texted her. Like many men ready to get out of a relationship he was checking he still had it in him to attract the ladies. I hope you see that your attitude and pressure has only made this man pull away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted December 21, 2014 Author Share Posted December 21, 2014 Great advice, thanks. I've probably turned him off by seeming needy and smothering. What should I do to reverse that? Next year, I'd have the option of taking a 1-year travel position; should I do that? I guess I could wait until after he takes his time to think about it & then gives me a more specific timeline on when he wants us to get married (which is what he says he's doing now). Link to post Share on other sites
aggie382 Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 I'm not pushing for a proposal or marriage to happen right now. What I keep pushing is a general future discussion! He should be able to tell me if he wants to wait a couple of years or 10 to have a family. In 2 years I'll have the option to take a 1 year travel position in my company, which I wouldn't do if we are engaged/newly married/planning a wedding... So why is it so hard for him to tell me where he sees us in2-3 years? Because he doesn't know right now? Are you okay with him not knowing after only a year and a half? There's no need to push for a future discussion. The discussion will happen in the future when it's right for both of you. Pushing isn't going to get you what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 Probably true, I just want a general idea of where he stands in the next few years.because if he's nowhere near wanting to get married, then why wouldn't I accept a 1-year travel position? Should I really stay put for nothing more than a live-in boyfriend? He said he is taking time right now to really think through my question of a specific timeline & when he will be ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 The other day he said he definitely wanted kids just not right now. I said "are you unsure if you want them with ME?" He said "if that were true, then I wouldn't be with you!" As if it were obvious Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 It is obvious you are not happy with the situation, OP. Why do you stay in a situation where you are not getting what you truly want? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Honestly, I would just live my life. Take your one-year travel position and enjoy every minute of it. Maybe he'll come around when you're no longer constantly available. Maybe he won't. Maybe you'll meet the love of your life during the year away. His loss! It's one thing to sacrifice an opportunity for a spouse. But it's just silly to do so and put your life on hold for a guy who isn't sure about what he wants with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Anderlie Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 OP just be very, VERY sure that what you want is this man for your husband for the rest of your life and not just the wedding and being married. All I hear is timelines and ultimatums and how old you are, what you're giving up and how hard it's been pushing your relationship along - nothing about joy, nothing about love, nothing about how good the relationship is. I'm sure you love this man but honestly I think you need to examine your motivations. Relationships can be put on a timeline but it only works if both people are on board. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newlyborn Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Honestly, I would just live my life. Take your one-year travel position and enjoy every minute of it. Maybe he'll come around when you're no longer constantly available. Maybe he won't. Maybe you'll meet the love of your life during the year away. His loss! It's one thing to sacrifice an opportunity for a spouse. But it's just silly to do so and put your life on hold for a guy who isn't sure about what he wants with you. THIS!!! take the position away for a year. and don't do it to punish or test him. just do it to enrich your life and experience, to learn new things about yourself and and to experience different challenges and joys. leave lovingly for the year. the truth of where you and this relationship stand will become very clear during that time. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 The other day he said he definitely wanted kids just not right now. I said "are you unsure if you want them with ME?" He said "if that were true, then I wouldn't be with you!" As if it were obvious That just means that if you two have an accident, he won't run away, but if the choice were his, he'd rather not have kids, not get married, and not ruin the "good thing" you two have going. Take your 1-year travel situation, because at least this way it'll be easier to break up with him and move on in life. Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Unlike most but not all of the posters, I tend to sympathize with you, OP. If you are really approaching 30, and want to have a family, you are already past the peak of fertility (which comes in women at about age 20-24), your fertility is declining every year, the chance of birth defects is increasing (and in men of your age too, hate to tell you this, guys). The notion that at 30 you are too young to get married, have all the time in the world, are in a rush, a year and a half is not time enough to know whether you want to marry each other, blah blah blah is just ridiculous. Your clock is ticking, in living memory you would be considered on the verge of old maidhood, LOL! I'm not saying the old days were better in all ways, but neither is today.) As to what you should do, you will have to decide. I would suggest a serious talk with this guy about his plans, and his timeline. See if he makes a real proposal with a ring. If not, seriously consider breaking it off with him. Give him two months, three at the outside to reconsider. If not, put him behind you and look for someone else. How to find someone if you are marriage minded at your age, another discussion for another time. Good luck to you, I've given my opinion fwiw, from the perspective of an older man who has a good many younger friends of both sexes, and looks in dismay at how they run their private lives (i.e. about as badly as we did when I was their age! ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 My bf had always wanted to wait for marriage & kids (which he considers 1 in the same) until after he finishes his medical training, which is in 4 years. At that point, he said he wants his wife and kids to become his number 1 priority & it'd be hard to do that while he's still in training right now (working 90 hours high stress per week, etc). He said in order for the relationship to continue, I just have to answer whether I'm willing to wait that long, because he says I deserve happiness & doesn't want to hold me back if id rather find someone who wants to get married sooner. He said he'd always just assumed we were working toward that and didn't know initially that I'd be unwilling to wait till age 31. Link to post Share on other sites
GildedLily Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 My bf had always wanted to wait for marriage & kids (which he considers 1 in the same) until after he finishes his medical training, which is in 4 years. At that point, he said he wants his wife and kids to become his number 1 priority & it'd be hard to do that while he's still in training right now (working 90 hours high stress per week, etc). He said in order for the relationship to continue, I just have to answer whether I'm willing to wait that long, because he says I deserve happiness & doesn't want to hold me back if id rather find someone who wants to get married sooner. He said he'd always just assumed we were working toward that and didn't know initially that I'd be unwilling to wait till age 31. The likelihood that after becoming a doctor that his kids and wife will come first is very small. Doctors are married to their work, as they see themselves as having a higher purpose. You should decide if you are willing to come second ALWAYS read some doctors wife's blogs if you don't believe me ( I am married to one)why isn't he asking you to marry now? Tell him you don't need an expensive ring or ceremony and see what he says, call his bluff. If he has the time to sleep with you, he has the time to marry you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 He just sees marriage as something you don't do until you're reAdy to put your wife & kids first in your life. Which he's very clear that he wants- after finishing training & he has the time, money etc to be a provider. I get that. I just finished training this year, myself. Link to post Share on other sites
GildedLily Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 He just sees marriage as something you don't do until you're reAdy to put your wife & kids first in your life. Which he's very clear that he wants- after finishing training & he has the time, money etc to be a provider. I get that. I just finished training this year, myself. Are you willing to wait based on the hope that he will ask you? Check out weddingbee.com forum, in their "waiting" board. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 Here's what happened. I kept putting on the pressure & telling him I was unhappy & felt he must not love me since he hasn't proposed after 1.5 years. He got very upset & apparently screwed up BADLy at work. He said, "it happened because I was so upset about our fight. You seem to think I don't care but I sure do. I just internalize things." He said this reinforced his original desire to wait until he's done with (rigorous, 90 hours week, stressful) training in 4 years before getting engaged/married/having kids because "that's when I can focus & those things will be my priority." He told me If I wanted those things right now then It just wouldn't work between us. I thought q little and said "fine- 32 isn't too old for me to get married & pregnant." We are now still together & he seems so incredibly happy with me. Wanting to plan trips, keeping in touch with my family etc, asking what new furniture I want for our apartmnt Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Do you and he come from the same cultural background? Link to post Share on other sites
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