Will we EVER get engaged?

[rams10]

Noo we weren't even raised in the same country

[rams10]

So we've been together almost 2 years. He won't give me a specific timetable for getting engaged or married. He says "I love you and I have told you many times I plan to marry you. I will propose when I am ready. What more do you need to know?"

Edited May 8, 2015 by rams10

[CarrieT]

So we've been together almost 2 years. He won't give me a specific timetable for getting engaged or married. He says "I love you and I have told you many times I plan to marry you. I will propose when I am ready. What more do you need to know?"

 

How much longer are you willing to wait? Only you can know the answer to that...

[cessna]

My boyfriend & I have been dating for almost a year & a half. Starting at 6 months, I'd ask if this was serious for him. He's always said "I love you, I know I want to marry you & start a family with you, when the timing is right I'll propose, you never have to worry about where this is going. If I weren't serious about you I wouldn't be with you." He asked me to move in with him, goes home for the holidays with me & my family. But now I'm getting annoyed about waiting too long for a ring. I'll ask, "Do you intend to propose within the next year or much longer than that? Because I don't want to sit around waiting for 5 years, it makes me feel like you don't value me enough to do something as simple as get a ring." He'll say "I've given you my commitment, I will propose when the time is right, I'm just not ready quite yet". Says he has to fly home and announce to his family (abroad) that he plans to propose before he does so... because he hasn't seen them in 10 years and it'd be "disrespectful" to get married without first having the chance to tell them in person. He is planning a trip this summer to see them.

 

He says if I have to get engaged right now, then we might be better going our separate ways since he's not ready yet and I'm constantly pushing for it. I said "If you tell me you want to wait multiple more years to propose, then that'll solve the problem right now, since I won't be on board with that & I'll leave you." But he won't say that.

 

I just want a general idea, if he sees himself getting married/starting to settle down in 2, 5, or 10 years. Because we are almost 30 & I don't want to wait another decade to have kids. He said that is fair & he'll take a lot of time to think about it & then he'll give me a concrete answer on when we will get engaged & we can see how our timetables line up & whether I want to continue.

 

his family lives in extreme poverty far away & he hasn't seen them in 10 years but talks to them & sends them every bit of extra money he can, they are always asking him for money. So maybe he doesn't want to get married till he feels he can better provide for both me & them? Maybe that's why he needs time to think in order to come up with a "specific time frame"?

 

The way you talk about "waiting too long for a ring" and "something as simple as get a ring" makes you sound like a whining, spoilt little princess.

 

It's only been 18 months. Grow up. You're lucky he's still with you by the sounds of things.

[Gaeta]

I maintain my answer, he is not going to propose, he's dragging you along.

 

He said that is fair & he'll take a lot of time to think about it & then he'll give me a concrete answer on when we will get engaged & we can see how our timetables line up & whether I want to continue.

The answer is right there in bold. Your boyfriend has no problem letting you go. Those are not the words of a man seeing you as his future wife. He is negotiating your future like we negotiate a lease. He is not emotionally invested. He's all pretend. He does NOT need to go to his parents to propose to you. When you need to ask yourself is this woman the one then it's because she is NOT.

 

Also, why does he have the veto on your future life together? These are things you discuss TOGETHER in details, you don't leave the woman you 'love' in the dark for months and tell her *meh, eventually I'll make a decision you just hang there and be pretty*

 

End this.

 

ETA: You are both about to turn 30. You have been living together for over a year. At your age you don't need to date 4 years and live together for 3 to know if this is the right person for you.

Edited May 8, 2015 by Gaeta

[rams10]

End it? Then why is the other woman telling me that 2 years isn't long? Is he supposed to discuss with me when HE feels ready for marriage?!

[Gaeta]

End it? Then why is the other woman telling me that 2 years isn't long? Is he supposed to discuss with me when HE feels ready for marriage?!

 

2 years is long enough at both your age especially that most of that time you have been living together.

 

No, marriage is something a couple discuss together like I said in my previous post. He has no intention of proposing, he's full of excuses.

 

I offered my opinion considering each and every aspect of your post. I don't know what the other women base their opinion on. Sometimes people miss details like your age & the time already invested at living together.

[Gaeta]

On top of that you are not wanting a marriage now. You are wanting a plan and he cannot even come up with that. I am sure if he proposed and he offered to get married at Xmas 2016 you'd be happy with that. He is not even willing to consider a long term plan.

[rams10]

His dad writes him letters of advice sometimes. I read them (without my bf knowing). One says you should never discuss marrying a girl & tell her that's your intention ahead of time- you just do it "when the time is right."

 

I don't know why he'd spend all his time with me and live with me if he didn't truly love me and actually want us to get married. I think he just thinks being "the man" means being the one to decide when marriage happens.

[Gaeta]

He is from what culture?

[Gaeta]

rams10: What else he is going to decide on his own term? About where you live? When it's time to have children? How many children? How to raise them, how to name them? Is he also going to decide if you can work or not........

 

You sure you want to get into this?

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

All I can say is be careful.

 

I did this to my ex and it only pushed him away from me. He had just gotten out of a marriage and wasn't ready, but I was confused because he had brought it up first so I thought it was ok to talk about. One of the reasons he gave me when he broke it off was "We both want different things. You keep pushing for marriage and I don't want that." Just goes to show they can go from bringing it up and telling you you're "the one" to packing up their stuff and leaving when push comes to shove.

 

I can understand the pressure to get married, though. Im in my late twenties and my friends were at that point in their lives where they were settling down - most of them not even together as long as my ex and I - so I thought it was ok to put the ideas back into his mind.

 

Take it from someone who lost the person they wanted to marry because they brought it up too much: don't do it!

[rams10]

The other weekend he found me in a dark corner crying at a wedding because I was humiliated about still being single and having to stand up for the bouquet toss. He was sympathetic then. He said "our time will come soon, I promise." So I don't know if he's just playing around with me or not! And maybe if I take a traveling job because he wouldn't commit to marrying me, he'll change his mind and miss me.

[SunnySide0418]

The other weekend he found me in a dark corner crying at a wedding because I was humiliated about still being single and having to stand up for the bouquet toss. He was sympathetic then. He said "our time will come soon, I promise." So I don't know if he's just playing around with me or not! And maybe if I take a traveling job because he wouldn't commit to marrying me, he'll change his mind and miss me.

 

 

This is kind of dramatic and manipulative behavior IMO. Do you really want a proposal like this - from pressuring him? I sure wouldn't!

[d0nnivain]

Try changing the Q.

 

Ask him if his refusal to discuss an engagement with you in concrete terms is that he thinks he's supposed to surprise you.

 

That is different then he doesn't want to marry you.

 

If you can't generate an honest conversation about proposals & marriage out of that, you have to give a lot more serious thought to the idea that he' just stringing you along.

 

You know him. We don't.

 

However, you need to determine whether you want a wedding -- hence your overreaction at the other wedding recently -- or do you want to be married to HIM. If you would be just as happy being married to anybody simply because you no longer want to be single, that is not a healthy foundation.

[elaine567]

Noo we weren't even raised in the same country

 

I see he is going home to gain his parent's approval.

Are you doubly sure that his family will not be the ones choosing who he gets married to? If not an actual arranged marriage?

 

I have seen this before, "serious" relationship goes all pear shaped when family expectations and "culture" gets involved.

What are his plans after he finishes training? Is he going to go home to work?

 

Saying he is going to have time to relax and concentrate on marriage after his training, is just a means of kicking the ball into the long grass and putting you off.

If he truly wanted to get married, nothing would stop him getting engaged at least, to give you something to hang on to and give you a reason to stay.

I think you pushed him, he is not going to be pushed, and that leaves you in an very awkward situation.

Do you trust him enough to hang on waiting, knowing he may be stringing you along, or do you see his refusal as a red flag and dump him?

[katiegrl]

I just don't want a guy who's ambivalent about me. Who might, maybe, propose in 5 years if he's feeling like it & no better options are around. A guy who would much rather lose me now than propose within the next years, because that's how special he thinks I am.

 

rams this same thing happened to a friend of mine.

 

They were together two years, she wanted to get married, he wasn't "ready."

 

She eventually broke up with him, went 100% no contact, and three months later he came back with a ring. They are now happily married with a kid...5 years later.

 

Apparently he did not know how *ready* he was until he experienced what life would be like without her in it...

 

Take from that story what you will.....

[rams10]

Try changing the Q.

 

Ask him if his refusal to discuss an engagement with you in concrete terms is that he thinks he's supposed to surprise you.

 

That is different then he doesn't want to marry you.

 

I mean, he says whenever I bring up the topic that he loves me and his plan is to marry me but that I have to trust him to propose when he is ready to do so.

[Gaeta]

I mean, he says whenever I bring up the topic that he loves me and his plan is to marry me but that I have to trust him to propose when he is ready to do so.

 

HIS plan....what are you? customer service?

[rams10]

When I discuss how I don't want to take the traveling position if he plans on us getting engaged within the next year or so, he just says, "if you want to stay, stay. If you want to leave, leave. I don't care, you are an adult, make your own decision" and I told him I understand if he wants to travel home to see his family alone this time, but I would at least like to talk to them on the phone or "meet" via Skype because family is important in my mind, and it's been 2 years already. He just stares at the wall and won't acknowledge or answer. When I say "are you hiding me from them?" Again he just laughs and says he doesn't care if it's important to me to meet or talk to them... I can keep bringing this up all night and maybe I'll finally get a response when pigs fly.

[Diezel]

You two need to just break up. This thread has gone on for 6 months.

He's not going to do it at this point because he knows you aren't leaving and at this point... it sounds more like hostage negotiation or blackmail than a genuine proposal.

[Gaeta]

When I discuss how I don't want to take the traveling position if he plans on us getting engaged within the next year or so, he just says, "if you want to stay, stay. If you want to leave, leave. I don't care, you are an adult, make your own decision" and I told him I understand if he wants to travel home to see his family alone this time, but I would at least like to talk to them on the phone or "meet" via Skype because family is important in my mind, and it's been 2 years already. He just stares at the wall and won't acknowledge or answer. When I say "are you hiding me from them?" Again he just laughs and says he doesn't care if it's important to me to meet or talk to them... I can keep bringing this up all night and maybe I'll finally get a response when pigs fly.

 

So how much more disrespect are you willing to take? He's laughing at you and don't give a heck about you.

[d0nnivain]

When I discuss how I don't want to take the traveling position if he plans on us getting engaged within the next year or so, he just says, "if you want to stay, stay. If you want to leave, leave. I don't care, you are an adult, make your own decision"

 

I can keep bringing this up all night and maybe I'll finally get a response when pigs fly.

 

You are getting a response. You just aren't hearing it.

 

Take the traveling position. Stop putting your life on hold for his maybes.

 

The new job will do one of two things: 1). give him the incentive to propose or 2). give you the courage to walk away. Either will be forward progress compared to the quagmire where you are stuck now.

[katiegrl]

When I discuss how I don't want to take the traveling position if he plans on us getting engaged within the next year or so,

 

***he just says, "if you want to stay, stay. If you want to leave, leave. I don't care, you are an adult, make your own decision" ***

 

 

and I told him I understand if he wants to travel home to see his family alone this time, but I would at least like to talk to them on the phone or "meet" via Skype because family is important in my mind, and it's been 2 years already. He just stares at the wall and won't acknowledge or answer. When I say "are you hiding me from them?" Again he just laughs and says he doesn't care if it's important to me to meet or talk to them... I can keep bringing this up all night and maybe I'll finally get a response when pigs fly.

 

Quote in asterisk above -- Oh man, if my bf ever said that to me, I would be gone that day!! That minute!

 

Could he be any more apathetic? Sheesh!

 

rams, what are you waiting for? Just leave. He does not care...he admitted it himself! Read what he said again... "if you want to leave..leave. I don't care."

 

You need to break up with him today, take the job and be done with him.

 

Come on now..

[Redhead14]

My boyfriend & I have been dating for almost a year & a half. Starting at 6 months, I'd ask if this was serious for him. He's always said "I love you, I know I want to marry you & start a family with you, when the timing is right I'll propose, you never have to worry about where this is going. If I weren't serious about you I wouldn't be with you." He asked me to move in with him, goes home for the holidays with me & my family. But now I'm getting annoyed about waiting too long for a ring. I'll ask, "Do you intend to propose within the next year or much longer than that? Because I don't want to sit around waiting for 5 years, it makes me feel like you don't value me enough to do something as simple as get a ring." He'll say "I've given you my commitment, I will propose when the time is right, I'm just not ready quite yet". Says he has to fly home and announce to his family (abroad) that he plans to propose before he does so... because he hasn't seen them in 10 years and it'd be "disrespectful" to get married without first having the chance to tell them in person. He is planning a trip this summer to see them.

 

He says if I have to get engaged right now, then we might be better going our separate ways since he's not ready yet and I'm constantly pushing for it. I said "If you tell me you want to wait multiple more years to propose, then that'll solve the problem right now, since I won't be on board with that & I'll leave you." But he won't say that.

 

I just want a general idea, if he sees himself getting married/starting to settle down in 2, 5, or 10 years. Because we are almost 30 & I don't want to wait another decade to have kids. He said that is fair & he'll take a lot of time to think about it & then he'll give me a concrete answer on when we will get engaged & we can see how our timetables line up & whether I want to continue.

 

his family lives in extreme poverty far away & he hasn't seen them in 10 years but talks to them & sends them every bit of extra money he can, they are always asking him for money. So maybe he doesn't want to get married till he feels he can better provide for both me & them? Maybe that's why he needs time to think in order to come up with a "specific time frame"?

 

He is planning a trip this summer to see them -- You stop nagging him about this until after the trip and then you give it a little more time to see if he does ask you to marry him. He told you what his plan was and you kept on pressuring him. You've been together this long, waiting until the summer wouldn't be a big deal.

 

And, yes, men who want to marry a woman will also want to be feeling financially secure enough to take care of her. They want all their ducks in a row and as long as he is making you feel loved and secure in the relationship, you need to rest on that. If after the trip, some time has passed and he hasn't proposed, it would be OK for you to tell him that you want to be engaged by a specific time in the future. Make a simple statement about what you want and don't make it an ultimatum. If he doesn't propose by that time, you simply move on.