Author rams10 Posted May 20, 2015 Author Share Posted May 20, 2015 I can't believe he'd say "I don't want to talk to you" and ignore me for 3 days all because of a fight whose cause was... I asked when I could meet his family and since he's going to his home country alone and won't bring me (he has an excuse), I asked if I could at least speak to them on phone since family is so important to me. He stared at wall. I asked if he feels he can't tell his mom bc she's planning an arranged marriage or something like that. He got furious and called me a stupid American. I said I'm just asking, u won't give me any honest info so how do I have any choice but to make guesses? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 I just need to figure out how to make him love and respect me. You can't MAKE anybody do anything they are not inclined to do. And, frankly, once respect is lost on the level that you have described, it cannot be won back. That ship has sailed. The fight is over, he won the battle, and you are still out there, trying to revive the dead soldiers into scrimmage that is over and done with. Why can't you see what everyone else here is seeing? You are Kate Winslet, grasping on to a hunk of ship that has already sank, hoping Leonardo DiCaprio will be able to survive with you... Ain't gonna happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 the advice i am looking for is how to get him to love me again. He specifically said he wasn't trying to get me to move out or move out himself. He never said he was breaking up with me. He just says "i dont wnat to talk to you" and "i'm blocking your emails." and he has done these things many times before. so what do i do next to show him i have remorse for our fight the other day? Though i don't even know what I did wrong the other day. Asked in general if I could either meet or talk to his faraway family on the phone. He responds by shouting at me about being an ignorant american. i said I was just asking him, and he says "well keep f*cking asking, maybe I'll answer when the cows come home" Stop begging this guy to want you. There is no advice anyone can give you to make this guy love you again. You will have to figure that one out yourself. I can't see why you would want to marry a man who has all the power in the relationship and it seems you are more than willing to give it to him. He treats you like crap and you don't even know what you did wrong. Can you imagine how he will treat you after you marry him? The advice I have for you is to block his number, never speak to him again and find a man who respects you. Link to post Share on other sites
wheream_i Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 This is how divorce happens. Best of luck with that. Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Okay, I'll play...one more time. Here is the guaranteed way of getting him to love you and respect you again (or, rather, for the first time because none of this has ever happened previously). This is a long process and you have to stick with it, like to the "T". Otherwise, it will not work and you'll be back at square one where your horrible horrible "boyfriend" treats you like dirt. Firs thing you do - leave him. I know that sounds bizarre, but call his bluff. Just leave him. Move out, change your number, erase all ability for him to contact you. YOU block him from your social media, and everything else. YOU do the things he's done to you. Tell him you don't want to talk to him anymore. Tell him you'll be fine. Tell him you don't care if he's there or not. Keep doing this until you start to believe it. Fake it til you make it. Apply NC. Regardless of what he says or does, do not talk to him. Do not respond to him. Pretend he no longer exists. This is the tricky phase, because for you to be able to pull it off, you'll have to practice this for at least 3 years. During this time, take the time to come back to yourself. Heal from this. Grieve. Do things for yourself. Maybe start some kind of plan for therapy or psychiatric care. Then, when you're ready, start dating again. See other guys, keep pretending this man doesn't exist. Then, one day, he won't anymore. Then move on with your life and be glad you no longer have someone in your life that treats you like dirt. After all of this, and ONLY after all of this, followed to a "T", will he love and respect you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted May 20, 2015 Author Share Posted May 20, 2015 Just a few days ago we had a great night (his words) together. Since then, all I did was ask questions about when I can ever plan on meeting or at least speaking to his family on phone. Which he ignored, causing me to get angry and start asking if he was trying to hide me or something. Other than the fight that ensued, nothing has happened!!! I know he didn't break up w me. Just said "I don't want to talk to you." But how can I expect that we will never speak to each other ever again?! Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Folks, rather than violate our rules and be suspended, why not simply move on once you've had your topical and respectful say on this topic? It's healthier for everyone and, best of all, you retain your posting privileges here. Moderation will do its job and we don't need your boot up our ass to do it so I'll thank you to keep the suggestions private. Now, back to the topic. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Okay, I'll play...one more time. Here is the guaranteed way of getting him to love you and respect you again (or, rather, for the first time because none of this has ever happened previously). This is a long process and you have to stick with it, like to the "T". Otherwise, it will not work and you'll be back at square one where your horrible horrible "boyfriend" treats you like dirt. Firs thing you do - leave him. I know that sounds bizarre, but call his bluff. Just leave him. Move out, change your number, erase all ability for him to contact you. YOU block him from your social media, and everything else. YOU do the things he's done to you. Tell him you don't want to talk to him anymore. Tell him you'll be fine. Tell him you don't care if he's there or not. Keep doing this until you start to believe it. Fake it til you make it. Apply NC. Regardless of what he says or does, do not talk to him. Do not respond to him. Pretend he no longer exists. This is the tricky phase, because for you to be able to pull it off, you'll have to practice this for at least 3 years. During this time, take the time to come back to yourself. Heal from this. Grieve. Do things for yourself. Maybe start some kind of plan for therapy or psychiatric care. Then, when you're ready, start dating again. See other guys, keep pretending this man doesn't exist. Then, one day, he won't anymore. Then move on with your life and be glad you no longer have someone in your life that treats you like dirt. After all of this, and ONLY after all of this, followed to a "T", will he love and respect you. I cannot +1 or second this enough. Either do this, or keep pushing and pushing him until he definitively breaks up with you. No matter which one of these two options you choose, you will be infinitely happier once you are able to step back from the abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
snowflakes88 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 When you put it that way... I just need to figure out how to make him love and respect me. He's doing his usual style of fighting right now... Saying he doesn't want to talk to me, claiming he blocked my emails (I'm tech savvy and realize he actually didn't, & he hasn't blocked my phone number either). He doesn't respect you, but you can likely make him tolerate you if you do the things I suggested. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 So, after I ask about meeting his family or at least talking over phone- not NOW, but asking when it could happen- he responds by staring. I keep asking for an answer, he says I'll get one when f*cking pigs fly. This escalates Into me crying and yelling bc I think it's so cruel that he's ignoring me. then... He tells me to leave him alone and has been ignoring all my calls for 4 days while out of town on business???does this seem right to anyone?! He didn't break up w me and actually said he wasn't asking me To leave or leaving himself. But what is this??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 This man stonewalls after every argument. And mind you, the "fight" is usually me wanting to talk about some aspect of future - when (approx) he wants to get married, introduce me to family, Etc. excuse me but it's been 2 years. Why get pissed? Link to post Share on other sites
shvrk Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Break up with him! Break up with him! Leave him! He won't propose! He treats you like ****! He doesn't respect you! Leave, leave, leave! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 He came back from business trip, said he just refused to talk to me all week bc that's how he deals w fights. But he's done basically whatever plans I've wanted all weekend and was all over me initiating sex. even though I'm crazy I think he's into it and will keep coming back for more 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 A year into dating I told my boyfriend I wasn't sure if we were on the same page -- because I knew I wanted family, kids etc. He ends up saying "I love you" (for the first time) and "I do want those things with you but when the time is right." My response was just to walk out because he'd handled the conflict like a jerk overall, and I had plans with a girlfriend. Well, I find out that once I was gone, he'd messaged a single girl and asked her to meet him up at the bar. she couldn't make it, and then went out of town for 6 months. After she left, he'd keep texting her, flirting, once asking her for pictures. I told him I'd found out about this (I read his texts), and then he texted her saying he's sorry if he gave her the wrong idea -- he has a girlfriend (me!) and was just in a fight with me at the time. She said he appreciated his honesty. Weeks later, she texted, it was friendly, then asked if he'll come over when she's back in town and drink with her bc she has a nice whiskey stash . He responded "Definitely!!" I confronted him since I read those texts too. His initial reaction is to yell, saying he's breaking up with me for reading the texts. Im like, "You have my passcode, I wouldnt be upset in the least if you did the same." (he later did) So anyhow, now she's back in town and he told me "just for full disclosure" (bc he knows that's what I want), "she came up to me and said hi, i said hello back, that's as far as it went." but i brought it up last night just saying how much it really hurt me, not yelling or screaming at him or anyhing bad. his response is to say "eff you, I don't care, if you're still waiting for an apology from me then you're going to be waiting forever." what the heck? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Why are you still hanging around? Walk and don't look back. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I think you are a hot head. You tell your BF of a mere year that you want marriage & kids. You told him this before he even told you that he loved you. Talk about putting the cart before the horse. Anyway in response to your overwhelming declaration he says ILY for the first time but your reaction is to get mad, leave & call him a jerk? You got that all backwards IMNSHO. Marriage & kids conversations come after the ILYs not before. When somebody says ILY you don't get up & leave. His response in chasing after some other girl for 6 months was a problem. Things would have been much more simply if he just dumped you for acting like a psycho during the conversation about love marriage & kids. I don't know why he didn't do that but I do think you both have serious problems in this relationship & I don't see it lasting unless you both improve your communication 7 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 If you thought you weren't on the same page before, where do you think you are now? You walked out when he told you he loved you. (Why did you do that, exactly? What did he say or doing during this argument that was jerk-ish?) He chased another girl. Now he's cursing at you. I don't think this is going to end well. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 he is not husband material, the last sentence of the paragraph is a red flag a shouty man is a poor stable-mate i think you just want to have this confirmed here which is a good idea 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 You're not suited to each other. Find someone who wants what you want, as much as you want it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 Really? We're not suited for each other? That makes it sound like its a mutual problem. Instead of... This guy is slime. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Okay so he's slime. Do you want to be with slime? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Why is he slime? I'm not saying he's perfect but what I saw was you pressing him and then you leaving in response to his 1st ILY. Personally I would have interpreted your actions as breaking up with him, thereby leaving him free to talk to whomever. Granted when you came back & weren't broken up with him & stuck around I don't understand why he was still talking to this other girl for 6 months but you are not blameless in all of this. Do you understand that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 Then how do I get him to love me? Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Then how do I get him to love me? You can't make anyone feel anything. Feelings come from the inside, not the outside. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 You can't make somebody love you. They either do or they don't. Since he said the words, at the point he said them I would have taken him at his word not stormed out & called him a jerk. Can you elaborate on how this initial argument went? I don't get why you would even bring up marriage & kids to a man who had not yet said I love you. What happened that you did this? When he said ILY in response why did you leave? What was your temperament when you walked out? How soon after this did you "go back to normal"? Until the point when you found out about this other girl were you saying ILY regularly to each other? What is it that made you snoop in the 1st place? the fact that you were suspicious means you don't have a great deal of trust. The fact that he is refusing to apologize tells me he stopped caring. Maybe it is time to move on. You can't have a relationship with somebody who won't communicate & wants to be right even if that means failing to acknowledge your feelings. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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