Keke1 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 He was just so quick to jump to that other girl when there was even a hint of relationship problem. Logic tells me, how can I really trust him not to flirt or cheat when the going gets rough again? especially when he won't say I'm sorry, say he was wrong, or change something (like stop hiding his phone passcode from me when I freely give him mine) You should leave while it's good to do so. No kids or anything. The way I read this you are always going to have these thoughts in the back of your mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 It's always been bare minimum. Doesn't want to ever have long convos, find out what makes me tick or tell me about him, his family. If I ask about them (he went 10 years without seeing them, his sister begged me on Facebook to make him care more about family the way I do). Never compliments me or even supports stuff I say- "that's great hon," or "that's something I really like about you. That's cool." Stares at me. Blows me off for a full week when we fight- and the fight is just me wanting to innocuously bring up a topic like when I could possibly meet his family (he finally visited them but said I couldn't come, and won't let me Skype or face time , and his sister said honestly she had no clue I existed till we started talking on Facebook) & you're wanting to have kids, with a big kid? Why? You will suffer if this child continues to be in your life relationship wise 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 (edited) So. He says he talked to that other girl when he considered us broken up, after I said "I think we're on different pages," he said "I love you" for first time and "I do want to marry you," and I responded by leaving and going out to bar. He said he's never cheated on me & never would. Meanwhile, during a different short period we were broken up, my BF read my texts and discovered I was sending q selfie to another guy, and I met. Another one at a bar and later got drinks w him a second night. So he feels I did exact same thing. As far as saying "F you," I think I said that to him and called him an A hole long before he ever swore at me. Doesn't matter who said it first. You two are not compatible. Compatible people don't feel compelled to say F you. Compatible people may disagree and discuss their differences, but they don't fight and curse each other out. That's childish. You'll either see the truth of that and end it quickly or you will drag this out and let it bleed out and make a much larger mess--and be a lot older when it's time to start over. Edited July 7, 2015 by kendahke 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 Whateve. The problems aren't only his fault, I have a long history of being obsessive, swearing, shouting and yelling for hours when the other person clearly doesn't want to talk (aka silence). I'm no my going to let myself sabotage what I want even further by leaving the guy I want to marry. Whenever I have something good I do my best to ruin I and I'm sick of ir Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Whateve. The problems aren't only his fault, I have a long history of being obsessive, swearing, shouting and yelling for hours when the other person clearly doesn't want to talk (aka silence). I'm no my going to let myself sabotage what I want even further by leaving the guy I want to marry. Whenever I have something good I do my best to ruin I and I'm sick of ir Might be a good time to take a step back and go look into anger management help so that you're not allowing yourself to ruin your relationships. Not many men are going to tolerate someone being abusive--which is what you're describing here: obsessive, swearing, shouting and yelling for hours when the other person clearly doesn't want to talk. That isht gets really old, really fast and no woman's kitty is that good that a good man will tolerate it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 You should read what is written above...several times. If you really want to reconcile, STOP SWEARING!! You can't fix everything at once, but sit down with him and agree that cursing each other is off limits and stick to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 You both need to grow up and learn to communicate like adults before you even consider marriage. What you have at the moment is an unhealthy relationship, not to mention a weak foundation for getting married. You have described this relationship as always being "the bare minimum" - to me, it doesn't sound as though he really wants to get married. A guy that is marriage-minded would be giving a lot more than the bare minimum. What's with all the cursing, shouting and obsessing on your part? I had a partner like that once, and I was extremely hesitant to bring him around my family too. Not because I was afraid he would act out while in their presence, but because I wasn't so sure I wanted to introduced my family to someone with whom I didn't think I had a future. Might be something to think about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Share Posted July 10, 2015 He complains he comes home to nagging and criticizing. Well, all of my critiques are things like "is it possible to even spend 10 minutes sitting down and talking with me?" Or "can we ever plan to do something simple together, or a quick walk?" Or I try to give him a hug and he sneers and says "what are you, 5 years old? Why do you need a hug?" Meanwhile he criticizes me for telling him my boss recognized my excellent work on a project. "What do you need, a pat on the back? Blah blah you did something good at work. It's your job. It's what you're supposed to do. Who cares?" (Mind you I only tell him anything like this maybe once per 2 weeks.) thinks it's pathetic that my family and I make it a point to see each other once a month . Tells me work is always his priority over me until "someday" when he's accomplished "enough" and then will want to get married (he literally seems to have no idea of the actual timeframe). In angry moments he likes to yell "I don't love you anymore!" "I don't want to be with you!" But he still lives with me and comes right home after work every night and doesnt go anywhere else. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I am on board with those who say you handled this immaturely and prematurely. It's fine to have a conversation at one year about what you want down the road, and maybe there was some confusion there that he thought you meant "right now" because that's what he said, "when the time is right." He hasn't said he loves you. I'm assuming you had no commitment since commitment seems to be what you were asking for. He didn't propose. Instead he said "when the time is right," so he told you he loves you but he isn't ready for a life partner. You blew up and got mad about that, when it was actually a perfectly reasonable response from him after only one year and not knowing how old you both are. He took that as you rejecting what he was offering, which was to keep going as you are, and took the opportunity of what he saw as at least a temporary rift to go out with other girls. And there aren't too many guys who wouldn't do that during a falling out when they think they just got pressured into commitment and didn't give in and woman left mad. Before you should make a commitment down the road between the two of you, you will definitely need some couples counseling specifically to work on your communication styles. Because you're not on the same page at all. Which may just mean you're not right for each other. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 He complains he comes home to nagging and criticizing. Well, all of my critiques are things like "is it possible to even spend 10 minutes sitting down and talking with me?" Or "can we ever plan to do something simple together, or a quick walk?" Or I try to give him a hug and he sneers and says "what are you, 5 years old? Why do you need a hug?" Meanwhile he criticizes me for telling him my boss recognized my excellent work on a project. "What do you need, a pat on the back? Blah blah you did something good at work. It's your job. It's what you're supposed to do. Who cares?" (Mind you I only tell him anything like this maybe once per 2 weeks.) thinks it's pathetic that my family and I make it a point to see each other once a month . Tells me work is always his priority over me until "someday" when he's accomplished "enough" and then will want to get married (he literally seems to have no idea of the actual timeframe). In angry moments he likes to yell "I don't love you anymore!" "I don't want to be with you!" But he still lives with me and comes right home after work every night and doesnt go anywhere else. Why are you WITH this nasty ass? He still comes home to you because you're no doubt providing him with all the creature comforts like a clean house and cooked meals. It's also cheaper to have 2 people paying the rent. If butt-munch were to leave, he'd have to rely on his own salary and actually have scrub his own toilet, do his own laundry, and cook his own meals. Oh the HORROR. I'd dump his worthless ass so fast I'd have to FedEx his shadow to him the next day. Screw that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 You both need anger management and a giant dose of humility. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) He complains he comes home to nagging and criticizing. Well, all of my critiques are things like "is it possible to even spend 10 minutes sitting down and talking with me?" Or "can we ever plan to do something simple together, or a quick walk?" Or I try to give him a hug and he sneers and says "what are you, 5 years old? Why do you need a hug?" Meanwhile he criticizes me for telling him my boss recognized my excellent work on a project. "What do you need, a pat on the back? Blah blah you did something good at work. It's your job. It's what you're supposed to do. Who cares?" (Mind you I only tell him anything like this maybe once per 2 weeks.) thinks it's pathetic that my family and I make it a point to see each other once a month . Tells me work is always his priority over me until "someday" when he's accomplished "enough" and then will want to get married (he literally seems to have no idea of the actual timeframe). In angry moments he likes to yell "I don't love you anymore!" "I don't want to be with you!" But he still lives with me and comes right home after work every night and doesnt go anywhere else. Yup, it's all him of course. By the way, maybe never get into another relationship again until you recognize this wasn't completely one sided. Since I just get this strange feeling that any future relationship you enter with that mentality in tact will hopelessly fail. Anyways, no offense, but I'm having a hard time taking this seriously because you describe this guy as so rotten that for you to stay with him makes no sense, yet he lives with you still. Normally the women who stay with abusive men are trying to justify or otherwise defend the creep, but here..that is not the case at all. But just look at the person you described and realize this is the same person you were upset did not want to marry you. The same person you pitched a fit over just being honest and saying he is not ready, but someday will be. So I almost wonder if this guy is legitimately as rotten as you say. Edited July 10, 2015 by Spectre 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 So I almost wonder if this guy is legitimately as rotten as you say. He knows my family matters to me but actually said he thinks it's pathetic that we "have to" see each other once a month. My parents and brother said when he interacted with them, he seemed cold- both to me and to my family. He never compliments me. Any time we have an argument- which is usually my "fault" for wanting to bring up general future discussions, like "I've been offered a better job in a city closer to my family, and it's only for a year- but I wasn't going to go if you were thinking you would want to get engaged within the next year or two. Because family is very important to me & if you're not ready to become my family, then I understand- but then I'm going to choose to be around my own family & take the better job for the time being." This turns into a "fight," which consists of him announcing, "I'm done talking," then literally staring at the wall when I try to talk (calmly) further. Eventually this behavior makes me upset and I choke up. He stares at me with tears in my eyes, cold and emotionless. Will randomly break up with me. Etc. it's the stonewalling that kills me. His total lack of ability to communicate, ever care when I'm upset, ever say he's sorry or heck, even discuss how one or both of us could make things better. The other nights fight was a prime example. Yelling he doesn't love me anymore, doesn't want to be with me- and as tears are welling up in my eyes, he calmly goes to the GYM. Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 He complains he comes home to nagging and criticizing. Well, all of my critiques are things like "is it possible to even spend 10 minutes sitting down and talking with me?" Or "can we ever plan to do something simple together, or a quick walk?" Or I try to give him a hug and he sneers and says "what are you, 5 years old? Why do you need a hug?" Meanwhile he criticizes me for telling him my boss recognized my excellent work on a project. "What do you need, a pat on the back? Blah blah you did something good at work. It's your job. It's what you're supposed to do. Who cares?" (Mind you I only tell him anything like this maybe once per 2 weeks.) thinks it's pathetic that my family and I make it a point to see each other once a month . Tells me work is always his priority over me until "someday" when he's accomplished "enough" and then will want to get married (he literally seems to have no idea of the actual timeframe). In angry moments he likes to yell "I don't love you anymore!" "I don't want to be with you!" But he still lives with me and comes right home after work every night and doesnt go anywhere else. Seriously, what difference does any of this make? You're not trying to leave this dude. It would seem he's with you out of convenience from reading what you've wrote. IMO 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 OP, the more I read, the more I need to ask... Why are you still hanging on to a guy who clearly isn't all that into you? You can't talk someone into loving you, let alone getting engaged. He doesn't want to. Heck, I don't even think he likes you all that much. He's staying because it's easy for him. You keep putting up with it. Not sure what type of advice you're looking for here, really...it doesn't appear as though you're going to break it off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 What did i do to be unlovable???? He talked to me, had some good times with me. What did I do to deserve him not even saying I love you for over a year in the first place? What did I do to deserve how he treats me? Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 What did i do to be unlovable???? He talked to me, had some good times with me. What did I do to deserve him not even saying I love you for over a year in the first place? What did I do to deserve how he treats me? You chose the wrong guy. Thats what you did. Period. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 Every time he tells me "I still consider us broken up" or stonewalls and ignores me for a week, he always comes back after I grovel long enough. So how do I make him love me and say im sorry I wanted us to spend more time together instead of him only working on (even optional) work 7 days a week? Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 (edited) Okay you know what, I call bull. It has to be. There is no way the guy is this bad and here you are telling us you grovel to him and stuff? Sounds like on a somewhat regular basis as well. I call shenanigans, first you trashed him, now you want to know how to make him love you? Are you a teenager? Then on top of that...the guy you GROVEL to tells you he loves you for the first time and you walk out to go hang with a friend? This does not add up, how old are you? Edited July 12, 2015 by Spectre 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 (edited) He let me use his computer once- the only time he's ever given me a password. Well 3 days later I texted that I needed to use it again... And discovered that he'd changed the password, and wouldn't tell me the new one once again from there on out. Then He was away at work and I needed to use his old laptop to print something (mine has printing problems). He stalls for hours then says "sorry, busy at work, can't call" and I say "omg no problem wasn't expecting a call, just figured you'd text me the password." He makes up story about how he's reformatting the old laptop and plans to give to his brother so can I please not use it because he "wants to see himself how Its working first." at his work function, a few young secretaries were like "omg so you've never even mentioned this girl, this is your girlfriend?!" And another girl, he told me he didn't know who she was, yet she ends up approaching him and when I say "hey neither of us know you, I'm sorry, I'm so-and-so" she turns to my BF and says "omg, of course you remember me! That night we went out dancing on tables..." Edited July 12, 2015 by rams10 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 So how do I make him love me You can't make anyone love another person. Why are you even still trying with this guy when he obviously doesn't feel for you the way you feel for him and he is causing you all this angst? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Does it make sense from what I just posted that its difficult to trust him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Please help Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 (edited) Since you are not going to listen to those who say dump him, its time for the 180. Read about it and follow it religiously. Its at the top of the seperation and divorce forum. Probaly by Yasunido. Edited July 12, 2015 by 66Charger Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I still call bull, no way she trashes him like this then suddenly flips and can't live without him. Either that or this person is literally 14 yrs. old. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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