ExpatInItaly Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Why isn't he into me??? He really seemed to care until I brought up (after 13 months) topics like where he sees us in future and if he was thinking about moving in together, and how he still hadn't said I love you! I'm sorry but I just wanted to know what was up bc he didn't seem super serious We don't know. Does it matter? It's painfully obvious that he just isn't. He doesn't seem serious precisely because he's not serious. You just can't accept that yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Time to figure out how to do a 180 and figure out how to convince him I'm not crazy and he should love me? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 He was just so quick to jump to that other girl when there was even a hint of relationship problem. Logic tells me, how can I really trust him not to flirt or cheat when the going gets rough again? especially when he won't say I'm sorry, say he was wrong, or change something (like stop hiding his phone passcode from me when I freely give him mine) You can't trust him... That's the part you do know. And he yells at you to divert attention away from addressing an issue. You know you deserve better than this - he's not a good match for you since you want something different than he does (he's not there yet). Start dating men who are a better match for what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Maybe he truly loved me but he didn't like how I got upset over even small lie. (Early in relationship, he lied to me about stopping for a drink with a girl friend who texted him after work... He and I had plans for a date, but he met her first instead- and lied to me that he did- then deleted the text- I saw on his phone). Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 I found his sister on Facebook (my BF knew I was Going to message her on there because, as I told him, family is so important to me and I wanted to get to know his at least a little). She had no idea who I was, and then she begged me to talk to my BF and try to get him to care about his family as much as I seem to care about mine. His sister said, "I feel he has forgotten us. He doesn't even have my number" let alone he hadn't seen them in 12 years until recently one time. You are really pushing your luck here. It is not your place to be talking about him with the sister you've never met. He might have many good reasons not to talk to them, and despite his apparent consent, it's not your business to be nosing around in that. He doesn't want you to meet his family. Instead of taking that as a sign that he isn't all that invested in you, you tracked down his sister online? This reeks of desperation and control. You cannot force him into this, or force him into caring about you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Rams10 please get professional counseling. No one here can help you, but you definitely need help - from a professional. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 I just need to know how to let him know I'm sorry for being so neurotic, for wanting to discuss marriage and ask why he didn't say he loved me after over a year, for not being ok with small lies (like telling me he was at work late when he actually met a female coworker for a drink on a night we had a date, then deleting the texts from her about the night off his phone). Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 I think you are a hot head. You tell your BF of a mere year that you want marriage & kids. You told him this before he even told you that he loved you. Talk about putting the cart before the horse. Anyway in response to your overwhelming declaration he says ILY for the first time but your reaction is to get mad, leave & call him a jerk? You got that all backwards IMNSHO. I didn't just walk out. I gave him a big hug. Then said "well you know I've had these plans with my friend all week." Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 I just need to know how to let him know I'm sorry for being so neurotic, for wanting to discuss marriage and ask why he didn't say he loved me after over a year, for not being ok with small lies (like telling me he was at work late when he actually met a female coworker for a drink on a night we had a date, then deleting the texts from her about the night off his phone). No - you actually don't need to tell him. Ending it with him shows him everything you might need to say. There's no reason you need to know anything from him. Get professional help. It would serve you well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 He doesn't want you to meet his family. Instead of taking that as a sign that he isn't all that invested in you, After 2 years, He didn't even want me to face time with them or anything (they're abroad). His sister had no clue who I was despite him saying he told them. When I wanted to discuss the travel position he said "you are an adult, make your own decision about what's the best place for you. If I were in your shoes right now I would only choose the best job- I wouldn't consider where you lived." After 2 years he can choke out "I'd prefer for you to stay" if I really press him, but otherwise is saying just choose the best job?! I said if he saw himself getting engaged within the next few years then I'd happily stay here for him, but otherwise I am going To take the job because it's not even in my belief system or what I want to keep living with a guy for years on end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 The other night I was sobbing inconsolably for hours. Instead of blowing me off and working (his usual), I caught him just staring at wall in his office looking sad. Will it keep working if I look horrifically torn apart and devastated without him? This has worked before- he broke up with me 6 months ago saying we weren't on same page bc I wanted to get engaged much sooner than him, but when he discovered me lying on floor in middle of day in agony, he eventually gave me a hug and didn't go through with the breakup Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 The other night I was sobbing inconsolably for hours. Instead of blowing me off and working (his usual), I caught him just staring at wall in his office looking sad. Will it keep working if I look horrifically torn apart and devastated without him? This has worked before- he broke up with me 6 months ago saying we weren't on same page bc I wanted to get engaged much sooner than him, but when he discovered me lying on floor in middle of day in agony, he eventually gave me a hug and didn't go through with the breakup You want him to stay because you look desperate? No, no, no - please don't do things that way... Be a big girl. Stand on your own two feet. Learn to be happy all by yourself! Otherwise you are just making unwise choices by trying to force a guy to feel sorry for you by crying and manipulating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 I just want to make him remember his emotions toward me. Maybe I can leave something sweet around the apartment? He's loved me before he can again and appreciate having me back even more this time so please help Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 What 1 thing can I do to show him I'm sorry I didn't trust him or appreciate his love? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Time to figure out how to do a 180 and figure out how to convince him I'm not crazy and he should love me? WHY should he love you? What 1 thing can I do to show him I'm sorry I didn't trust him or appreciate his love? Walk out. Stop playing the Drama Queen card and show him you don't need him. Read about doing the 180 Plan A vs. 180 Plan - Marriage Builders® Forums . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Walk out. Stop playing the Drama Queen card and show him you don't need him. Read about doing the 180 . How would this work when he doesn't even care about me?? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 How would this work when he doesn't even care about me?? That's the point. The 180 is to help YOU start standing on your two feet without him. If he actually did care about you, he would take steps towards getting you back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Wait this kind of worked in the past. A few months ago he broke up with me, saying that I value getting married and he doesn't and so I should be with a person whose values are more like mine. (Mind you, he always frequently told me we'd get married for sure, so whatever... He'd say our time frames were just way different or something) I was hysterical for weeks but then went out, went on other dates. He read my texts and saw that men were interested. Only then did he approach me and was open to rekindling our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 A few months ago he broke up with me You should never have gotten back together with him... Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Why not? I'm madly in love with him despite his shortcomings like poor communication and openly admitting work, not me,'is his priority and family is "not that important." I am still passionately in love Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I am still passionately in love And how has that served you well in this relationship? It.Has.Not. What others have said: GET THERAPY. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Served me well? What does that mean? I'm just trying to get back the Man I love here Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Served me well? What does that mean? I'm just trying to get back the Man I love here You can't. You have proven that. Why can't you see the truth in the matter? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 I can't? Why? What have I proven? I am so confused. I've gotten him back before Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 You've gotten him back... And yet here you are, complaining about *what* you have. So accept it and stop complaining. Link to post Share on other sites
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