Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Stop complaining?! Is this really the type of guy any woman would want? You can look at me as nagging and neurotic. But in reality, it's just me trying to have a full relationship with a man that has always given less than 50% effort. And my insecurities come from the fact that, well, he isn't loving or attentive, doesn't introduce me to family, doesn't say he loves me more than like twice a year, rarely compliments me in any way, tells me hugs are for 5 year olds, just doesn't really give me much to feel secure about. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 All yours Carrie T Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 All yours Carrie T Nope. I'm done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Please help. Girl, we can't help you. If this entire story is true, you won't find help on the internet with a bunch of strangers. You are going to have to seek help from someone who is qualified and can speak to you in person. Best of luck to you, I think you're going to need it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Despite it all I love him. I want to help him remember the good times and not want to leave me for good. How do I accomplish this? In the past several breakups he changed his mind when he saw me sobbing genuinely for a while. The other night he saw this and when I walked past him in his office, he looked very sad staring at wall, unable to do work. But another breakup (which he initiated saying he didn't value getting married & I should find someone who does, even though he frequently claims that he will marry me "soon" vaguely), he warmed back up after it was clear that I was going out & getting interest from plenty of other guys. So I don't know what to do now. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Despite it all I love him. I want to help him remember the good times and not want to leave me for good. How do I accomplish this? In the past several breakups he changed his mind when he saw me sobbing genuinely for a while. The other night he saw this and when I walked past him in his office, he looked very sad staring at wall, unable to do work. But another breakup (which he initiated saying he didn't value getting married & I should find someone who does, even though he frequently claims that he will marry me "soon" vaguely), he warmed back up after it was clear that I was going out & getting interest from plenty of other guys. So I don't know what to do now. Sorry, you can't. He knows you're desperate and will be his doormat. As I said in your other thread on the same topic, we can't help you here. Apologies and my sincerest best wishes to you. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Please help. Two VERY LENGTHY threads of re-hashing the same topics of your inability to see what is obvious to everyone means we can't help you anymore. Accept your situation and stop complaining or leave the toxic relationship. And get therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 All anyone can say is I need therapy. It makes me feel like he was perfect and I ruined a good thing yet I just don't feel I'm the only one wrong and I should just be grovel Ing to him for stonewalling me after every fight . He provided no love or reassurance or any true connection Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Sorry, you can't. He knows you're desperate and will be his doormat. As I said in your other thread on the same topic, we can't help you here. Apologies and my sincerest best wishes to you. Then the way to make him love me is to act like I don't care abut him? But I can't help but give 100% to those I love Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 7 months and you STILL want him to marry you? You could have used alllllllllllllll this time to find someone else that would be MUCH more likely to marry you in the future. Not sure why you keep insisting on wasting your time with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 My boyfriend & I have been dating for almost a year & a half. Starting at 6 months, I'd ask if this was serious for him. He's always said "I love you, I know I want to marry you & start a family with you, when the timing is right I'll propose, you never have to worry about where this is going. If I weren't serious about you I wouldn't be with you." He asked me to move in with him, goes home for the holidays with me & my family. But now I'm getting annoyed about waiting too long for a ring. I'll ask, "Do you intend to propose within the next year or much longer than that? Because I don't want to sit around waiting for 5 years, it makes me feel like you don't value me enough to do something as simple as get a ring." He'll say "I've given you my commitment, I will propose when the time is right, I'm just not ready quite yet". Says he has to fly home and announce to his family (abroad) that he plans to propose before he does so... because he hasn't seen them in 10 years and it'd be "disrespectful" to get married without first having the chance to tell them in person. He is planning a trip this summer to see them. He says if I have to get engaged right now, then we might be better going our separate ways since he's not ready yet and I'm constantly pushing for it. I said "If you tell me you want to wait multiple more years to propose, then that'll solve the problem right now, since I won't be on board with that & I'll leave you." But he won't say that. I just want a general idea, if he sees himself getting married/starting to settle down in 2, 5, or 10 years. Because we are almost 30 & I don't want to wait another decade to have kids. He said that is fair & he'll take a lot of time to think about it & then he'll give me a concrete answer on when we will get engaged & we can see how our timetables line up & whether I want to continue. his family lives in extreme poverty far away & he hasn't seen them in 10 years but talks to them & sends them every bit of extra money he can, they are always asking him for money. So maybe he doesn't want to get married till he feels he can better provide for both me & them? Maybe that's why he needs time to think in order to come up with a "specific time frame"? I just want a general idea, if he sees himself getting married/starting to settle down in 2, 5, or 10 - How can he project the exact time he will be feeling ready to commit like that? No one can do that. You can tell yourself, "oh, I'll want to commit to someone in 2017". No one knows how they will be feeling at that time. The bottom line is he can't tell you that and if he's not feeling it now with you, and you want it now, don't hang your hat on a mystery. You want it now, he's doesn't. You don't know what the future holds, what you do know about is the now. You can set a time limit for yourself -- I"ll give it another 6 months and then bail. You can't control him, only yourself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I just want a general idea, if he sees himself getting married/starting to settle down in 2, 5, or 10 - How can he project the exact time he will be feeling ready to commit like that? No one can do that. You can tell yourself, "oh, I'll want to commit to someone in 2017". No one knows how they will be feeling at that time. The bottom line is he can't tell you that and if he's not feeling it now with you, and you want it now, don't hang your hat on a mystery. You want it now, he's doesn't. You don't know what the future holds, what you do know about is the now. You can set a time limit for yourself -- I"ll give it another 6 months and then bail. You can't control him, only yourself. ^^^^This! ...... Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Maybe he has doubts. You seem so singularly focused on the marriage part. And your actions seem controlling with contacting the sister in spite of his wishes. His actions throughout your timeframe posting this thread have shown he is not sure about the relationship. Look at history of your relationship--what pushes him away (bugging him about marriage, acting overly controlling) and what draws him to you (going on with your life as if he may or may not be in it forever). Do the things that draw him to you. Stop doing the things that push him away. And put your own timeframe on it of what's acceptable in your own life plan. Give it that time as said above and then move on if you don't get what you want. Frankly, if I felt badgered by your marriage queries in reading this thread, he is losing his mind about it. Sincerely, good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OMC Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Stop trying to manipulate a man who obviously isn't into you. Those are highschool games. Either he wants you for who and what you are, or he doesn't. YOU cannot influence that by pretending to be someone you are not, or focing him to be someone he isn't. He deserves someone who accepts him for who he is. You deserve someone who accepts you for who you are. Life goals in a relationship need to match or you end up right where you are. You 2 are not compatable. Quit wasting time, put yourself out there (you did it before) and find the man who you are compatable with and who will go to the ends of the earth for you. Why would you want anything less? More importantly, why would you want a man who is being manipulated to APPEAR to want and need you. It's like playing a game and cheating to win. Does that win really feel so good under those conditions. You may win this round with the actions you are considering. What you going to do when the next situation comes up? This is a game you can only play so often. If the relationship doesn't break completely now, it will soon. Game over... Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Then the way to make him love me is to act like I don't care abut him? But I can't help but give 100% to those I love You can't make someone love you. Why do you want to be with someone you need to convince to love you? Why do you give 100% to those who don't love you back? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Then the way to make him love me is to act like I don't care abut him? But I can't help but give 100% to those I love No, but act like you have control of your emotions, respect for your partner and that he's not about to sign up for life with someone is going to smother and control him. BTW, isn't it ironic that you "think" you are giving 100% but that is in pursuit of YOUR goals with him not your goals as a couple. You can't beat your wish list into him. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 No, but act like you have control of your emotions, respect for your partner and that he's not about to sign up for life with someone is going to smother and control him. BTW, isn't it ironic that you "think" you are giving 100% but that is in pursuit of YOUR goals with him not your goals as a couple. You can't beat your wish list into him. You don't give a 100% until they are giving you 100%. That is about managing your emotions and expectations for quite a long time in a new dating scenario. You focus on your needs and whether they are being met before giving a 100% of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 How do I possibly communicate that I was wrong and I'm so sorry for just wanting marriage and a family and to live close to mine (he's declared "I'll never live there so get that out of your head right now")? How do I express how deep and unyielding my love is when he shoves me away every time I come near or say I love him? How do I make him see I'm not just "crazy," it just drives me crazy to watch someone stare past me and stonewall me for days with every conflict, and never put in that much effort or show much affection in meantime? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 How do I possibly communicate that I was wrong and I'm so sorry for just wanting marriage and a family and to live close to mine (he's declared "I'll never live there so get that out of your head right now")? How do I express how deep and unyielding my love is when he shoves me away every time I come near or say I love him? How do I make him see I'm not just "crazy," it just drives me crazy to watch someone stare past me and stonewall me for days with every conflict, and never put in that much effort or show much affection in meantime? Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 ****How do I possibly communicate that I was wrong and I'm so sorry for just wanting marriage and a family and to live close to mine (he's declared "I'll never live there so get that out of your head right now")? ***How do I express how deep and unyielding my love is when he shoves me away every time I come near or say I love him? ***How do I make him see I'm not just "crazy," it just drives me crazy to watch someone stare past me and stonewall me for days with every conflict, and never put in that much effort or show much affection in meantime? You don't. You LEAVE and look for a guy who appreciates you and gives a crap. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Stop trying to manipulate a man who obviously isn't into you. Those are highschool games. Either he wants you for who and what you are, or he doesn't. He seemed romantic and into me sometimes. But he completely stonewalled me for days when wanting to bring up future even in non threatening ways. A couple times he broke up w me bc he didn't value the same things I want, marriage and family... But most of the other time, if I prompt him to discuss the topic, he'd claim we'll get married "soon". But of course nothing more concrete , and he never introduced me to his family or anything. How do I get him to stop shovin me away when I say I love him? If I stop crying and act more confident will that work? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 I just want to do something that evokes his emotions and really makes him stop and think of how much he'll miss me. Link to post Share on other sites
OMC Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 HE IS NOT INTO YOU. Like EVERYONE else has said- Deal with it like an adult. It is what it is and YOU cannot change it. Are you a masochist? It seems like you are determined to cause more hurt and pain to yourself. When 1 person gives you advice it can be challenged. When 5 people give you the same advice you can mark it up to they don't understand. When 20-30 people give you the same advice it is time to shut up and heed it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 You don't. You LEAVE and look for a guy who appreciates you and gives a crap. rams, there is nothing WRONG with you for wanting marriage. Where you ARE wrong is staying in a relationship with a man who doesn't....and continuing to badger him into wanting what YOU want. He does not want what you want, and probably never will. You are wasting precious precious time with him hon. Please leave. You cannot "make" a man love you. Please understand this, and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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