katiegrl Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I just want to do something that evokes his emotions and really makes him stop and think of how much he'll miss me. Leaving might accomplish that. No guarantees, but you sticking around waiting for him to change, and love you, certainly will NOT accomplish that! Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I just want to do something that evokes his emotions and really makes him stop and think of how much he'll miss me. When you are important to people you don't have to do anything to provoke or evoke their feelings. You cannot make him love you, or love you the way you wish, or make him miss you. After you end this you will resent yourself for wasting your best years on him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 When you are important to people you don't have to do anything to provoke or evoke their feelings. You cannot make him love you, or love you the way you wish, or make him miss you. After you end this you will resent yourself for wasting your best years on him. Or HE ends it! Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 How do I get him to stop shovin me away when I say I love him? If I stop crying and act more confident will that work? That ship already sailed. Your refusal to heed anyone's advice here is one thing, but you certainly cannot be this oblivious to loved ones in real life that attempt to render assistance, can you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 I could've just kept my mouth shut when he said work will be the priority over me or family (for years he claimed). if I waited it out long enough, then eventually, when he did feel ready, I'd be the one who got to have him. My worry was just that he'd never be what I wanted. How dramatically could a person change if right now, his family is begging me to get him to care about them, and he spends each night engulfing himself in work projects that are actually voluntary, and he doesn't care about simple things with me like long conversations or takin a walk or giving me a hug (he says hugs are for 5-year-olds and usually refuses)? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Look , he chose me at one point. He used to make effort and did romantic things. He just backed away whenever I wanted to talk about future, and told me that work is his #1 priority over me. I don't know why I pushed him away bc I just wanted someone who loves me as much as I love them. I don't see myself as some horrible monster. I just want to know how to help him remember how truly happy he was with me and realize he can have that again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 I truly just want to know how to make him remember how much he truly loved me and evoke emotion that I made him so happy and remind him that I can again and he doesn't want to lose me forever. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 (edited) Ram, you are not going to listen to what you dont want to hear. However, There is a way that all of us can help you. We can walk you thru the 180 on a daily or even hourly basis. Many of us can help, but a lot have tired of your hard head. We are not therapist, but if other frequent posters will join in, perhaps by the end of summer, we can put you in a better place. I can not guarantee that others will post, but if they do, you must abide. No excuses To test you. Let s try a assigment. For the next 24 hours, you are not to communicate with this man. No voice, text or email. Can you do that? If it becomes overwhelming, write here first and hopefully someone will answer. Perhaps you should start a new thread. Title it "please walk me thru the 180" You must first reply, yes I will listen. This may be a stupid idea, so lets see how many LS posters chime in and say they will help. If none are willling, then you are on your own Testing testing 1 2 3 Edited July 15, 2015 by 66Charger 1 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 He has no intention of marrying you -- ever. You are wasting your time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OMC Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 'Look , he chose me at one point.' Now he is not. Happens all the time. Peoples feelings change REGARDLESS what WE do to help them 'see the light' The battery in their flashlight is dead and it isn't going to turn on. 'He used to make effort and did romantic things.' Now he is not. He doesn't feel that way about you any more. 'He just backed away whenever I wanted to talk about future, and told me that work is his #1 priority over me.' He told you what the deal is. He DOES NOT WANT A FUTURE WITH YOU. His work is his future. He is being truthful and you want to manipulate him. Bad girl... 'I don't know why I pushed him away bc I just wanted someone who loves me as much as I love them. ' Asked and answered your own question. He doesn't love you as much as you love him and you cannot make him. 'I don't see myself as some horrible monster.' For the badgering you have given him, yes you are. 'I just want to know how to help him remember how truly happy he was with me and realize he can have that again' He has been there, done that and doesn't want it. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 How do I possibly communicate that I was wrong and I'm so sorry for just wanting marriage and a family and to live close to mine (he's declared "I'll never live there so get that out of your head right now")? How do I express how deep and unyielding my love is when he shoves me away every time I come near or say I love him? " it just drives me crazy to watch someone stare past me and stonewall me for days with every conflict, and never put in that much effort or show much affection in meantime? Why would you apologize for wanting what you want? Focus on your needs. Right now, this guy is not meeting them. You want a man who is fully engaged in a relationship with you and has good conflict resolution skills. This guy is stonewalling you, that poor conflict resolution. How do I make him see I'm not just "crazy, -- You can't do that until you stop acting crazy. He's pushing you away and you keep coming toward him and getting the same results over and over again. The definition of crazy is "doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results". You are hanging on to someone who clear doesn't want what you want right now. Focus on yourself and your needs. Get centered and evaluate. Back off for a while and focus on yourself not just the relationship and stay out of his head. You cannot make someone accept your expressions of love if they don't want to. When you stop trying to control the situation or him, you will get clarity about all this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 'He just backed away whenever I wanted to talk about future, and told me that work is his #1 priority over me.' He told you what the deal is. He DOES NOT WANT A FUTURE WITH YOU. His work is his future. He is being truthful and you want to manipulate him. Bad girl... He has been there, done that and doesn't want it. But it's not like he said work is #1 only now. He's been saying that for a year. Saying how he doesn't want to get married for years. And he truly immerses himself in work even choosing extra work over simple time with me. Never really considered me in his schedule or plans. If it was convenient he'd do something with me, that I almost always planned myself. So tell me how I was the one who screwed something awesome up? Link to post Share on other sites
OMC Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 You simply cannot be this stupid. As with everyone else. I am done with your childish view of the world and how you interact in it. Good luck. You are doomed to nothing but failed relationships. You have been advised to seek counseling. Do it. I am positive you think 'they just don't understand' Bye, best of luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 He has no intention of marrying you -- ever. You are wasting your time. Do you think he ever did? He never wanted to have long conversations, never opens up about himself. Do u know how hard it is to be secure in a relationship when in over A year the person never says I love you and he texted to meet up with another girl at bar and flirted with her at the first sign of serious conversation about tj future? Yea he would "bounce back" and be somewhat romantic or pda with me again eventually, but he dated his previous gf "seriously " for 3 years and then left her when she wanted to talk abut getting engaged af ter3 years. I just want to figure out how to make him see id be much happier and wonderful if he rally committed to me! Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I just want to figure out how to make him see id be much happier and wonderful if he rally committed to me! You keep asking how to "make" this guy do such-and-such, and you keep getting told that you can't make him do anything. One of these days you might believe people here. But I won't be holding my breath. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I just want to do something that evokes his emotions and really makes him stop and think of how much he'll miss me. translation: I want to play games and manipulate someone who doesn't want what I want to make him want what I want. I'm too lazy to start over and find someone else better suited to my goals and outlook on life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 translation: I want to play games and manipulate someone who doesn't want what I want to make him want what I want. I'm too lazy to start over and find someone else better suited to my goals and outlook on life. Yep, it's about control. The conquest. Can I make a man do what I want? It's ego based. And, in this case, it may also be about just wanting a relationship no matter whether it's good or not. Settling. Compromising/negating her own needs. This is a woman who needs validation from external sources perhaps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 U are all so quick to judge me. Do u know how hard it is to feel secure when a partner can't even say "I love you" back after over a year, and every time you try to bring up the future ends up blowing up and ignoring you for days, and declares work is his #1 priority over you and will be for at least several years,'over and over again! I just need to figure out how to make him see he will regret life without me in the end bc i truly loved him unconditionallu Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I just need to figure out how to make him see he will regret life without me in the end bc i truly loved him unconditionallu Don't make me come over there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 wow... really? I dont' think regret is something that is going to cross his mind... Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Why not??? How is this all one sided and he has nothing to regret? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 U are all so quick to judge me. Do u know how hard it is to feel secure when a partner can't even say "I love you" back after over a year, and every time you try to bring up the future ends up blowing up and ignoring you for days, and declares work is his #1 priority over you and will be for at least several years,'over and over again! I just need to figure out how to make him see he will regret life without me in the end bc i truly loved him unconditionallu But HE does NOT love you unconditionally, actually he does NOT love you at all. Anything you will do to make him regret or make him miss you WON'T WORK. What part of that don't you understand? It's not his fault you spent a year with him and never heard an I love you, it's YOUR fault for sticking around a man not in love with you. Do you understand that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Why not??? How is this all one sided and he has nothing to regret? You're asking the wrong questions. This isn't about apportioning blame for the cracks in the relationship, it's about your death-grip on a relationship in which you two are clearly incompatible. If we agree with you that he's entirely at fault and he should live with regret of that the rest of his life, how does that help you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Do you think he ever did? He never wanted to have long conversations, never opens up about himself. Do u know how hard it is to be secure in a relationship when in over A year the person never says I love you and he texted to meet up with another girl at bar and flirted with her at the first sign of serious conversation about tj future? Yea he would "bounce back" and be somewhat romantic or pda with me again eventually, but he dated his previous gf "seriously " for 3 years and then left her when she wanted to talk abut getting engaged af ter3 years. I just want to figure out how to make him see id be much happier and wonderful if he rally committed to me! You need to stop thinking about having control over him. He's shown you who he is. He isn't going to change. If you haven't shown him enough already to know how much better you are for him, you probably aren't better for him. And, he was with her for 3 years an in the same spot you are. He isn't going to change. He never wanted to have long conversations, never opens up about himself. Do u know how hard it is to be secure in a relationship when in over A year the person never says I love you and he texted to meet up with another girl at bar and flirted with her at the first sign of serious conversation about tj future? -- You aren't in a secure relationship. And, why do you want a man who doesn't open up to your or texts other girls after serious conversations! for 3 years and then left her when she wanted to talk abut getting engaged af ter3 years -- He didn't leave her, she left him. He would have strung her along for as long as she could tolerate his bull****. He's doing the same thing to you. He's got sex anytime he wants it and that's all he needs from a relationship. It's easier to stick with a sure thing than to keep dancing around with a bunch of other women and exposing himself to disease, etc. He's just plain lazy really. He's got what he's got and doesn't have to do any of the work. He doesn't love you. So you have to start loving yourself. You need to step back and get a grip here. You are losing yourself in all this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 (edited) Why not??? How is this all one sided and he has nothing to regret? You really want to control how this guy thinks and acts, so... Why do you think you have that power? Why do YOU think he should be what YOU want? Think of it this way- do you get angry or frustrated if your cat doesn't act like a dog? or a rhinoceros? He is NOT going to do, think, feel and be what you want. That's life. None of us gets a magic wand to make people be what we wish they would be. I don't see people here being mean or unfair to you. I see people trying to wake you up so you can move on and be happy one day. And you can be happy one day! But wishing people would do (be, think, feel) what you want does NOT lead to happiness. It leads to looping over and over in frustration and anger. Accept who he is, leave him- in heart, mind and soul- and make your life what you want it to be. Edited July 15, 2015 by BlueIris Link to post Share on other sites
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