Will we EVER get engaged?

[Space Ritual]

But it's not like he said work is #1 only now. He's been saying that for a year. Saying how he doesn't want to get married for years. And he truly immerses himself in work even choosing extra work over simple time with me. Never really considered me in his schedule or plans. If it was convenient he'd do something with me, that I almost always planned myself. So tell me how I was the one who screwed something awesome up?

 

You are basing YOUR Happiness on the actions of others. The only person that you can control is yourself. You cannot force someone to love you, take you back or do your bidding.

 

I know you have taken an absolute beating on this thread. It is not my intention to insult you. I really don't think it was anyone's intention here to do so either. Please understand that we can only dispense advice based on what information is provided to us. Thus far all we have is a story about someone who wants to be with a man that simply does not want a long term commitment. It saddens me that you are trying to force someone to have an epiphany bout you when all you have given them is an excuse to not have any contact with you at all.

 

There simply comes a time in all of our lives when we have a situation where we have to let go of the outcome. I think you must let go of the outcome. Do not base your happiness on someone who obviously does not want to commit to you. Your actions are backfiring and it is making you look unstable. Love makes you do funny things, I get that. But there comes a time when all of us need to throw in the towel despite our best efforts.

 

The sun set on this relationship long ago. Arguing with the posters or acting totally oblivious will not change that. Its time to move on. It just is. You realize the effort you are putting into this thread could have been better used taking a personal inventory.

 

I wish you the best, but I do not think you will get the answers you seek here.

[organizedchaos]

U are all so quick to judge me. Do u know how hard it is to feel secure when a partner can't even say "I love you" back after over a year, and every time you try to bring up the future ends up blowing up and ignoring you for days, and declares work is his #1 priority over you and will be for at least several years,'over and over again! I just need to figure out how to make him see he will regret life without me in the end bc i truly loved him unconditionallu

 

You make it pretty easy to judge you when you say things like this.

 

He doesn't respect you or love you now. What exactly is he going to miss when you're gone?

[ExpatInItaly]

Why not??? How is this all one sided and he has nothing to regret?

 

It's not. But he just doesn't give enough of a crap about you. Sorry.

 

And no, I don't know how hard it is to feel secure in a relationship likes yours, because I have never felt that desperate to make a dead relationship work. I would've left quite a while ago.

[Versacehottie]

U are all so quick to judge me. Do u know how hard it is to feel secure when a partner can't even say "I love you" back after over a year, and every time you try to bring up the future ends up blowing up and ignoring you for days, and declares work is his #1 priority over you and will be for at least several years,'over and over again! I just need to figure out how to make him see he will regret life without me in the end bc i truly loved him unconditionallu

 

Not judging, just wondering why you are trying to force something?

 

Listen, it makes sense if you are in the middle of this right now that you are despondent and having trouble coming to grips with the fact that this most likely will not work out (definitely not as it is now). We are all wondering if you don't feel secure, if you don't hear "i love you" after the length of time you've been together, and you are not getting what you want with regard to answers about your future, why would you stay? Why stay to continue to be ignored? You are trying to force it by making him "see". He ignores you, doesn't want to see. Find someone who will accept your love and returns it equally. ps "unconditional love" is your problem. I also don't really think that's what you have anyway. You want something, he is not willing to give. That's a condition. You both are not even trying to come up with a plan that would respect each other's position. Hanging on desperately is not unconditional love. I agree with whoever said it's an unwillingness to start again with someone new.

[katiegrl]

Not judging, just wondering why you are trying to force something?

 

Listen, it makes sense if you are in the middle of this right now that you are despondent and having trouble coming to grips with the fact that this most likely will not work out (definitely not as it is now). We are all wondering if you don't feel secure, if you don't hear "i love you" after the length of time you've been together, and you are not getting what you want with regard to answers about your future, why would you stay? Why stay to continue to be ignored? You are trying to force it by making him "see". He ignores you, doesn't want to see. Find someone who will accept your love and returns it equally. ps "unconditional love" is your problem. I also don't really think that's what you have anyway. You want something, he is not willing to give. That's a condition. You both are not even trying to come up with a plan that would respect each other's position. Hanging on desperately is not unconditional love. I agree with whoever said it's an unwillingness to start again with someone new.

 

 

rams....with respect, I get the feeling you skip over certain posts if they don't fit with your agenda........however, I implore you to PLEASE read the above ....it's is RIGHT ON.

 

Along with all the others, this was just the latest one...

 

Good luck.

[Diezel]

U are all so quick to judge me. Do u know how hard it is to feel secure when a partner can't even say "I love you" back after over a year, and every time you try to bring up the future ends up blowing up and ignoring you for days, and declares work is his #1 priority over you and will be for at least several years,'over and over again! I just need to figure out how to make him see he will regret life without me in the end bc i truly loved him unconditionallu

 

Quick to judge you? This thread has existed since December 2014.

It's Einstein's very definition of insanity.

[rams10]

But I don't think he was lying about wanting to marry me. Even though he didnt introduce me to his family & didn't invite me when he finally went back home (overseas) after 10 years. Even though he occasionally told me "I don't value the same things you want, getting married" amidst his claims of "it'll be soon." I just can't believe anyone would be awful enough to string me along, just because I was convenient and he could get sex, rent money, and occasional companionship when he felt like it.

[rams10]

I am trying to remember even what happened on "good days." He didn't care to make plans with me or call me on the phone. I feel like he literally just went along with me because he is lazy in a relationship and only dates out of convenience. Texts from his ex GF after they broke up: "even your best friends parents tried to warn me- that you were only dating me out of convenience, would discard me as soon as you felt like it, no serious intentions even after our 3 Great years. I resented how you'd have sex with me & then immediately send flirty texts to other girls."

 

Maybe I pushed the whole relationship and he was willing to give some effort back, but never had it in him to be true husband material and put me first (as evidenced by many occasions where he declared work is the priority, family isn't that important to him, etc)

[GorillaTheater]

I am trying to remember even what happened on "good days." He didn't care to make plans with me or call me on the phone. I feel like he literally just went along with me because he is lazy in a relationship and only dates out of convenience. Texts from his ex GF after they broke up: "even your best friends parents tried to warn me- that you were only dating me out of convenience, would discard me as soon as you felt like it, no serious intentions even after our 3 Great years. I resented how you'd have sex with me & then immediately send flirty texts to other girls."

 

Maybe I pushed the whole relationship and he was willing to give some effort back, but never had it in him to be true husband material and put me first (as evidenced by many occasions where he declared work is the priority, family isn't that important to him, etc)

 

Good insight. With that in mind, what are you going to do?

[trolloperative]

You could always "accidentally" get pregnant.

[Timshel]

You could always "accidentally" get pregnant.

 

There must be a better way to use your time than post potentially harmful 'advice' to a confused person.

[Timshel]

It's not. But he just doesn't give enough of a crap about you. Sorry.

 

And no, I don't know how hard it is to feel secure in a relationship likes yours, because I have never felt that desperate to make a dead relationship work. I would've left quite a while ago.

Really Good Advice.

[rams10]

Update: I looked great when he came home from work because, as I told him, I had "plans with someone else." He was acting all standoffish towards me as always and saying he didn't care about me But also changed in front of me and had a huge hard on. Clearly I'm still attractive to him... And I know I am anyhow.

[rams10]

I'm completely ignoring him now and it feels awesome. I still unlocked the door for him when he didn't have his key, and I nicely folded his laundry instead of just throwing it out of dryer when I was using. But I haven't spoken a word. I told him I had "plans" earlier- I did!- and I left looking awesome, which he agreed with, as evidenced by his big, um, enthusiasm visible below:

[beach]

What do you do for work? How many hours a week do you work?

 

What does he do for work?

 

Just wondering about the difference in focused time on workload. His might be much greater/more demanding - hence, his focus needs to be in work, not dating.

[rams10]

 

Just wondering about the difference in focused time on workload. His might be much greater/more demanding - hence, his focus needs to be in work, not dating.

 

 

We both have the same demanding job with long training required. I work 60 hours/week, he works 80/week during some parts but during the current 2 years, he could be working MUcH less- and hours are super flexible - but he just keeps choosing more and more projects, so he literally is choosing work over me. We are in exact same field and even when my hours get busy, I can always make time for him even if it's just a half hour dinner at night. He won't

[No_Go]

Ram, I have slightly different perspective on your issues:

 

-Have you thought that asking to meet/talk to his family is actually making him anxious (and the marriage talks fail because of that)?

 

Just saying because he obviously has issues with his family, you're pushing his boundaries (messaging his sister???), and then he is withdrawing.

 

I am in a similar position to him, in a sense that I have family overseas, I'm not close to them, and I am terrified every time when my bf or exes have asked to meet/talk to them..

 

After one of my exes friended my sister on facebook our relationship went down south... After another one wanted to talk to them the same happened...

 

I mean if your guy is attracted to you and hinted he wants to stay with you, but violently opposes the idea to meet his family - THAT could be a huge reason for his anxious reactions.

 

P.S. The reason that I didn't want to introduce my relationships to my family had NOTHING to do with the guys... It could be your bf is in the same boat.

 

Update: I looked great when he came home from work because, as I told him, I had "plans with someone else." He was acting all standoffish towards me as always and saying he didn't care about me But also changed in front of me and had a huge hard on. Clearly I'm still attractive to him... And I know I am anyhow.

[Timshel]

We both have the same demanding job with long training required. I work 60 hours/week, he works 80/week during some parts but during the current 2 years, he could be working MUcH less- and hours are super flexible - but he just keeps choosing more and more projects, so he literally is choosing work over me. We are in exact same field and even when my hours get busy, I can always make time for him even if it's just a half hour dinner at night. He won't

 

You are obsessed. You are unable to see who you are. I won't entertain the fantasy that you have.

 

I would suggest a therapist to sort yourself out pronto.

I hardly ever say that but whether you are a troll or a disturbed woman, the advice stands the same.

 

Somewhere inside of you is peace, make every effort to find this. There really is nothing to you if you are unable to see any reflection of yourself.

 

Therapist, right away. More specifically, a psychiatrist. Best wishes to you Ram.

[Diezel]

Is this the same guy you had a 7 month ongoing thread about... the one about if he'll ever actually marry you or not?

 

You two deserve each other.

[rams10]

In response to the last post, no- his vagueness toward marriage (telling me sometimes it'll happen "soon if I stop nagging him," other times saying it'll be 5 years) was LOnG before I started asking more about talking to/ meeting his family or being asked to come with him when he finally went home to see them. Also, I shouldn't have To guess why he is reluctant; if we had honest communication, he should be explaining at least a little bit to me directly when asked.

 

Also, he claims that the times he's said he refuses to get married for another 5 years, he's only saying that bc he's tired of me nagging about it. I see it differently. If he truly cherished me and were more serious than his last Gf (whom he dropped after 3 years of a good relationship just bc she wanted to discuss engagement), then he'd be more receptive to talk in about it and giving me some rough time frame instead of getting ticked off and then stonewalling me every time I brought it up. Constantly saying "you have to trust me" but never communicating anything basic like , "I think it'd be nice to get married in another few years when we have more money" or really being willing to ever talk about the topic as a mutual thing and not "I get to decide when it all happens."

[rams10]

Why do you think I'm obsessed? I just really love him. I've been completely ignoring him, waiting for him to start missing me. I think if I'm not crying anymore, not chasing him, he'll see me as rational and then start wondering if he'd miss me if I'm gone

[Redhead14]

Update: I looked great when he came home from work because, as I told him, I had "plans with someone else." He was acting all standoffish towards me as always and saying he didn't care about me But also changed in front of me and had a huge hard on. Clearly I'm still attractive to him... And I know I am anyhow.

 

 

He doesn't love you, he loves the sex.

[katiegrl]

He doesn't love you, he loves the sex.

 

Agree he is only there for sex, but if you read back through this thread and her others, he even cut off sex at one point citing *religious religions.*

 

My guess is the real reason was because he was screwing someone else. When that stopped, the religious reasons no longer existed.

 

He sounds utterly HORRIBLE!

 

And I still can't get past him calling you a "monkey" either (among other derogatory comments) for not taking your meds (cause you could not afford).

 

rams read back through this thread. The issue is NOT that he won't marry you. The issue is he is an emotionally abusive douchebag ......and it boggles the mind as to why you are still there, but it's your life.

 

Wish you the best.

Edited July 16, 2015 by katiegrl

[rams10]

His coldness always bothered me. Always seemed aloof, which my parents even commented on. My mom also didn't like the way he was talking like his job is "above" mine (we're same field and many would actually view us as equals). A coworker told me that he did the same to her before he met me. He never opened up. If I asked questions about his family, his day at work, he'd give curt responses or snap "why all the qestions?" His response to any story I told was basically, "Cool."

[katiegrl]

Agree he is only there for sex, but if you read back through this thread and her others, he even cut off sex at one point citing *religious religions.*

 

My guess is the real reason was because he was screwing someone else. When that stopped, the religious reasons no longer existed.

 

He sounds utterly HORRIBLE!

 

And I still can't get past him calling you a "monkey" either (among other derogatory comments) for not taking your meds (cause you could not afford).

 

rams read back through this thread. The issue is NOT that he won't marry you. The issue is he is an emotionally abusive douchebag ......and it boggles the mind as to why you are still there, but it's your life.

 

Wish you the best.

 

^^^rams please read above.. Why are you still there? If you don't want to answer us, I respect that.

 

But please ask YOURSELF why you are still there, let alone want to marry a man like this. He is emotionally abusive in the worst way.....you have to know this.

 

So why?