Author rams10 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 I just think it's all my fault, for wanting to talk about the future so often. But I think I did it bc didn't really trust that he was serious- he never brought up future, said "I love you," complimented me, or made plans with me (even a simple "want to grab dinner tomorrow after work?"). Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Why not??? How is this all one sided and he has nothing to regret? Go back and re-read your thread(s). You've answered your own question multiple times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 How have I answered it? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 No, you go do some heavy lifting. Go read what you've written. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I just think it's all my fault, for wanting to talk about the future so often. But I think I did it bc didn't really trust that he was serious- he never brought up future, said "I love you," complimented me, or made plans with me (even a simple "want to grab dinner tomorrow after work?"). It is your fault, but not because you talk about the future, it's because you are obsessed with the relationship and not focused on you. Whatever is "wrong" with this man, the issues you personally are dealing with trump his 10 fold. I am finished entertaining your thread. You are pushing people here away now. I suspect that you are doing that in your "real" life too. Stop obsessing over him or you will find your life in shambles all around you if it isn't already. I suspect it may be. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 (edited) I just think it's all my fault, for wanting to talk about the future so often. But I think I did it bc didn't really trust that he was serious- he never brought up future, said "I love you," complimented me, or made plans with me (even a simple "want to grab dinner tomorrow after work?"). rams, this (his emotional abuse, coldness) has been going on since you first met! A year and a half ago! Lest you forget how he totally ignored you and shut you out during your first few months of dating when you had to move in with him cause you had no place to go? He would not even speak to you, remember? You were miserable back then! It's gotten worse as time went on, but it was there since day one. So how can it be your fault? The only thing that IS your fault is choosing to stay with this emotionally, abusive, cheating douchebag.... Edited July 16, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 It is your fault, but not because you talk about the future, it's because you are obsessed with the relationship and not focused on you. Whatever is "wrong" with this man, the issues you personally are dealing with trump his 10 fold. ***I am finished entertaining your thread. ***You are pushing people here away now. ***I suspect that you are doing that in your "real" life too. ***Stop obsessing over him or you will find your life in shambles all around you if it isn't already. I suspect it may be. ^^^Repeated for emphasis. And I am done with this thread as well..... Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Regarding family, it is not about a honest communication, he could have issues (abusive family, estrangement or other) that he's not comfortable sharing with you (he has the right to keep some things for himself). Whatever the reason is that he doesn't want to marry you, it is not going to be solved by nagging. If you are 100% sure you want to give it a last try, move out. *Seriously.* No need to break up, but don't live with him. Maybe he'll reconsider your relationship, or if he breaks up with you then - good riddance (it will mean he was not serious, just liked the convenience of a live in gf...) In response to the last post, no- his vagueness toward marriage (telling me sometimes it'll happen "soon if I stop nagging him," other times saying it'll be 5 years) was LOnG before I started asking more about talking to/ meeting his family or being asked to come with him when he finally went home to see them. Also, I shouldn't have To guess why he is reluctant; if we had honest communication, he should be explaining at least a little bit to me directly when asked. Also, he claims that the times he's said he refuses to get married for another 5 years, he's only saying that bc he's tired of me nagging about it. I see it differently. If he truly cherished me and were more serious than his last Gf (whom he dropped after 3 years of a good relationship just bc she wanted to discuss engagement), then he'd be more receptive to talk in about it and giving me some rough time frame instead of getting ticked off and then stonewalling me every time I brought it up. Constantly saying "you have to trust me" but never communicating anything basic like , "I think it'd be nice to get married in another few years when we have more money" or really being willing to ever talk about the topic as a mutual thing and not "I get to decide when it all happens." Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 Why are people saying its all my fault? Maybe I'm a bit neurotic but he doesn't exactly give the kind of attentiveness and love that makes a woman feel secure Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Why do you think I'm obsessed? Because of the last 10 pages. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 For the forty-seventh time, you can't MAKE him love you. Ignoring him isn't to MAKE him realize anything. It will *hopefully* get you to learn that you can live without him.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Why do you think I'm obsessed? I just really love him. I've been completely ignoring him, waiting for him to start missing me. I think if I'm not crying anymore, not chasing him, he'll see me as rational and then start wondering if he'd miss me if I'm gone I said I wouldn't entertain this thread anymore but Omg! How do you think you can undo 10 years of your behavior. This stuff with you did not start with this thread. You have been your own worst enemy for 10 years and not a suitable partner for anyone let alone him. I doubt he will miss you. He may come to you but only because he wants sex. He can't possibly see you as rational because you're not. I don't think you are obsessed, I know you are and to a spectacular degree! Get some professional help! You are bordering on being disrespectful to the people on this site by negating their advice and insight. End this misery for yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 It is your fault that you believe your love for him is sufficient when it is obviously not and that you have been subjecting yourself to this for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 (edited) why are people saying its all my fault? Maybe i'm a bit neurotic but he doesn't exactly give the kind of attentiveness and love that makes a woman feel secure rams, this (his emotional abuse, coldness) has been going on since you first met! A year and a half ago! Lest you forget how he totally ignored you and shut you out during your first few months of dating when you had to move in with him cause you had no place to go? He would not even speak to you, remember? You were miserable back then! It's gotten worse as time went on, but it was there since day one. So how can it be your fault? the only thing that is your fault is choosing to stay with this emotionally abusive, cheating douchebag.... Perhaps you missed the above post. Like I said before, it seems you skip over certain ones. Edited July 16, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 I still have ability to influence bc I still live with him. Just need to figure out how to act to make him love me Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 So what do I say when he comes home to make him love me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 He will not look at me and states "don't touch me." Please, he used to adore me! Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) He will not look at me and states "don't touch me." Please, he used to adore me! Sweetness.... I have been reading your posts ever since you FIRST started dating this bozo....a year and a half ago. And you have pretty much been ragging and complaining about him the entire time! If he ever adored you it was for like a few WEEKS tops....because your posts dating back to early 2014 discuss how he would NOT even speak to you....when you were forced to live with him the first four months of your relationship. And you complained about SOOOO many other things about him as well.... You are delusional if you think that is adoration. Please get REAL here. It is over. The abusive douchebag has CHECKED OUT mentally and emotionally. You need to get with reality and check out as well. I am sorry this didn't work out. Edited July 17, 2015 by katiegrl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 If he ever adored you it was for like a few WEEKS tops....because your posts dating back to early 2014 discuss how he would NOT even speak to you....when you were forced to live with him the first four months of your relationship. And you complained about SOOOO many other things about him as well.... I am sorry this didn't work out. This is true Katie. On our early dates he seemed to take the lazy way- invite me over to watch a movie on date 2 (not even take me out!). When I made a comment about how I didn't just want a hookup, he took me for ice cream, made small talk 15 minutes tops, then said "let's get out of here" and proceeded to have sex with me then. I always felt like he wouldn't open up and really converse or let me get to know him. Anything I'd talk about, he'd say "cool." Ask no follow up questions. This was seriously the entire relationship. Phone convos were always painful bc I'd do 80% of the talkin So it wasn't just that he didn't say "I love you." He basically expressed nothing. So when we argued? Forget about it, no wonder he stared at walls literally for days every single time. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Evening folks. I noted a report on this thread and another moderator did some cleanup and sanctioned a member or two, as well as merged a couple threads on a similar topic. For those who chose to demean and/or pile on the thread starter with zingy one-liners, you may see those one-liners in the permission screen where your free posting privileges formerly were. Let that be a lesson to you to both follow our guidelines and move on if not finding a particular discussion to be productive. Thread starter, sorry for the delay in getting to this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 This is true Katie. On our early dates he seemed to take the lazy way- invite me over to watch a movie on date 2 (not even take me out!). When I made a comment about how I didn't just want a hookup, he took me for ice cream, made small talk 15 minutes tops, then said "let's get out of here" and proceeded to have sex with me then. I always felt like he wouldn't open up and really converse or let me get to know him. Anything I'd talk about, he'd say "cool." Ask no follow up questions. This was seriously the entire relationship. Phone convos were always painful bc I'd do 80% of the talkin So it wasn't just that he didn't say "I love you." He basically expressed nothing. So when we argued? Forget about it, no wonder he stared at walls literally for days every single time. Rams, apologies as I have not read all the history, but this post struck me. You have done all the "heavy lifting" in the relationship, what is it about this relationship that you can't let go of? I'm not going to criticize you about where you have been.....but what do you want in your future? You are allowed to be loved, to be adored, to feel safe in the arms of a contributing partner. How does this guy compare to what you should have in your life? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 This is true Katie. On our early dates he seemed to take the lazy way- invite me over to watch a movie on date 2 (not even take me out!). When I made a comment about how I didn't just want a hookup, he took me for ice cream, made small talk 15 minutes tops, then said "let's get out of here" and proceeded to have sex with me then. I always felt like he wouldn't open up and really converse or let me get to know him. Anything I'd talk about, he'd say "cool." Ask no follow up questions. This was seriously the entire relationship. Phone convos were always painful bc I'd do 80% of the talkin So it wasn't just that he didn't say "I love you." He basically expressed nothing. So when we argued? Forget about it, no wonder he stared at walls literally for days every single time. (((hugs))) Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 This is true Katie. On our early dates he seemed to take the lazy way- invite me over to watch a movie on date 2 (not even take me out!). When I made a comment about how I didn't just want a hookup, he took me for ice cream, made small talk 15 minutes tops, then said "let's get out of here" and proceeded to have sex with me then. I always felt like he wouldn't open up and really converse or let me get to know him. Anything I'd talk about, he'd say "cool." Ask no follow up questions. This was seriously the entire relationship. Phone convos were always painful bc I'd do 80% of the talkin So it wasn't just that he didn't say "I love you." He basically expressed nothing. So when we argued? Forget about it, no wonder he stared at walls literally for days every single time. He sounds very shallow. What is his education level compared to yours? And refresh me, what are your ages? Do you think things would have been different if you hadn't had sex on the second date? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Is it normal for a guy to not say I love you for over a year... Stonewall you when you want to bring up future, & then sneak to meet up w other girls and ask them for pics behind your back.... Delete texts or save them under a guy friends name... Then when you confront & say you're hurt he still later tells the girl yes, he will "definitely" come over her apt for drinks next time she's back in town? Is it normal that he declares work is his priority over me, and he doesn't spend even half an hour a night with me, doesn't care to plan dates even if it's "how about a quick walk around the block tonight"? Shows little interest in my family, seeing them only once a year on a holiday where he "has" to? Doesn't really listen to my stories - never responds with questions or comments, just always "cool"? Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie1231 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Is it normal for a guy to not say I love you for over a year... Stonewall you when you want to bring up future, & then sneak to meet up w other girls and ask them for pics behind your back.... Delete texts or save them under a guy friends name... Then when you confront & say you're hurt he still later tells the girl yes, he will "definitely" come over her apt for drinks next time she's back in town? Is it normal that he declares work is his priority over me, and he doesn't spend even half an hour a night with me, doesn't care to plan dates even if it's "how about a quick walk around the block tonight"? Shows little interest in my family, seeing them only once a year on a holiday where he "has" to? Doesn't really listen to my stories - never responds with questions or comments, just always "cool"? No it is not normal. I think you have 27 pages of people telling you it is not normal and to break up with the guy. You keep asking the same question. Is it because you want someone to say yes it's normal so you will feel better about wanting to stay with him? I don't think it's going to happen. To have 27 pages of people agreeing on something in this forum is amazing. You should follow the advice of the many many people who have offered it. Link to post Share on other sites
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