CarrieT Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Please help We can't help those who won't help themselves.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Every time he tells me "I still consider us broken up" or stonewalls and ignores me for a week, he always comes back after I grovel long enough. So how do I make him love me and say im sorry I wanted us to spend more time together instead of him only working on (even optional) work 7 days a week? I don't want to hurt you but it seems this guy doesn't want you at all. It seems he's only there for conveinence and as soon as he can do better he will probably leave you. He has aready said you two are broken up it just seems you have not accepted it. You can't make someone love you and it is clear he can barely stand to be around you. Why are you begging him to love you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Does it make sense from what I just posted that its difficult to trust him? Of course. But here's the thing - he doesn't care if you trust him or not. He doesn't love you and will be leaving as soon as he gets his $hit together. You need to ask "what steps can I take to get over him"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 Should I really be crying over this guy? Did he ever sincerely love me & want a future with me? In 2 years I never skyped with his family, etc... He made a trip back home to see them & didn't invite me, nor does he have any plans (tentative OR definitive) for me to meet them anytime in near future. When I found his sister on Facebook she told me she had no idea who I was- even though my BF claims he told his family about me- and his sister also begged me to try to make my BF care as much about his family as I seem to about mine. He said "I love you" to me probably 10 times total in 2 years. Rarely complimented me. Didn't do anything for me that he didn't "feel like." Example: he suggested we have a holiday party, I agreed and got excited and spent time crafting a cute online Evite, I showed it to him before sending it out, he got all pissy and said "you have to make everything a big production, no" and shut down the whole party. Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 This is sad. I feel for you but this has gotten way out of hand. Hopefully he leaves you so you can wake up to his bull. You don't need that mess in your life. The red flags and warning signs are all there. Turn around and stop going down that road. It's a dead end. Then start working on your problems that are fixable in my opinion Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Should I really be crying over this guy? Did he ever sincerely love me & want a future with me? In 2 years I never skyped with his family, etc... He made a trip back home to see them & didn't invite me, nor does he have any plans (tentative OR definitive) for me to meet them anytime in near future. When I found his sister on Facebook she told me she had no idea who I was- even though my BF claims he told his family about me- and his sister also begged me to try to make my BF care as much about his family as I seem to about mine. He said "I love you" to me probably 10 times total in 2 years. Rarely complimented me. Didn't do anything for me that he didn't "feel like." Example: he suggested we have a holiday party, I agreed and got excited and spent time crafting a cute online Evite, I showed it to him before sending it out, he got all pissy and said "you have to make everything a big production, no" and shut down the whole party. Been there, got the T-shirt. YOU will never please this man, as he is just not into you or he simply doesn't have the capability to love anyone. I guess the latter as even his family feel unloved by him. Get yourself free, he will drive you crazy, literally. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 (edited) He knows my family matters to me but actually said he thinks it's pathetic that we "have to" see each other once a month. My parents and brother said when he interacted with them, he seemed cold- both to me and to my family. He never compliments me. Any time we have an argument- which is usually my "fault" for wanting to bring up general future discussions, like "I've been offered a better job in a city closer to my family, and it's only for a year- but I wasn't going to go if you were thinking you would want to get engaged within the next year or two. Because family is very important to me & if you're not ready to become my family, then I understand- but then I'm going to choose to be around my own family & take the better job for the time being." This turns into a "fight," which consists of him announcing, "I'm done talking," then literally staring at the wall when I try to talk (calmly) further. Eventually this behavior makes me upset and I choke up. He stares at me with tears in my eyes, cold and emotionless. Will randomly break up with me. Etc. it's the stonewalling that kills me. His total lack of ability to communicate, ever care when I'm upset, ever say he's sorry or heck, even discuss how one or both of us could make things better. The other nights fight was a prime example. Yelling he doesn't love me anymore, doesn't want to be with me- and as tears are welling up in my eyes, he calmly goes to the GYM. "but I want to marry him..." Seriously--you can.not. be. that hard up for a man. I also am coming to the conclusion that this is all made up. If you want help, then re-read the responses from people who took time out of their day to give you some sound advice. Edited July 13, 2015 by kendahke 2 Link to post Share on other sites
caringsister Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Please don't take this wrong, but is there alcohol or substance abuse in the equation? Regardless this is a highly dysfunctional relationship. There is verbal, mental, emotional and psychological abuse going on. I think rather then focusing on if you can get this man to love you, marry you and have children with him you would be doing yourself a favor by ending the relationship, finding yourself and learning to love yourself first. No marriage chapel until you spend time in couseling office to figure out why you are set on staying in a relationship that is toxic. Let the other girl have him. She won't get anything different then what you've gotten from him. He is who he is and where ever he goes no matter who he is with ... There he is. It doesn't matter if you love and want him ... you don't NEED him. Sometimes we have to walk away to save ourselves. In this case I'd run Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 Why would you run? Maybe he was doing the best he could with his twisted childhood upbringing. (He- of course- never told me details, other than "I learned the hard way early in life that you can't expect to be happy" and "my dad never ever told me he loved me, and I never said it back to my mom until age 25"). I do know his guy friend tried to get him to go to therapy before he met me - "you know for his twisted past" Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Here comes the excuses for his behavior. Typical 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 I can't help but make excuses when I love him so deeply I would do anything for him despite everything mentioned above. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Just doesn't sound like you're a good match. You both have your own separate issues, as most people do have issues of their own. He likes to keep things really bare bones simple. You want to make things more of an event, whether it's the little get-together or making your union formal. You're quick to boil over, and he's reluctant on every front. Not a happy combination. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I can't help but make excuses when I love him so deeply I would do anything for him despite everything mentioned above. What exactly is the point of this thread for you? You want us to tell you how to make him love you, yes? What you really need to do is learn how to love yourself. You are losing your entire sense of identify to a man who doesn't deserve or appreciate you. Focus on your needs as a woman. There is no way he is meeting any of them. That will not change. You can't possibly love him. You love having a relationship. That is your sense of identity and validation. Get on with your own life as a strong, independent, secure woman. Until you do that, you will never be a good partner for anyone nor will you have the ability to identify good potential relationship partners. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
caringsister Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Why would you run? Maybe he was doing the best he could with his twisted childhood upbringing. (He- of course- never told me details, other than "I learned the hard way early in life that you can't expect to be happy" and "my dad never ever told me he loved me, and I never said it back to my mom until age 25"). I do know his guy friend tried to get him to go to therapy before he met me - "you know for his twisted past" If you want to know why I would run then reread your post. Not the ones where you are defending him, but the ones where you potray his character. His stonewalling, not speaking to you for a week, never apologizing if he is wrong, texting - flirting - meeting up with that same female he is texting and flirting with. Telling you eff you is utter disrespect for you and your "relationship" He's insecure, demeaning [ex: your job project] he has no sense of family. Shall I go on? This is not the kind of person I would want to spend my future with. This behavior does not speak love. It is the opposite of love. if there was such thing as a love bank from the sound of your post it would be depleted and over drafted. I know plenty of people who have had really crappy, aweful, even terrible childhoods, but they are loving, kind, caring adults who don't dump their baggage on the people they love.So stop making excuses for his bad behavior. If you don't like the picture change the view ... if you don't like the view change the location. Remember though. Where ever you go ... there you are.. So if it is a new life and a fresh start is desired you must be honest with yourself .. change is an inside job. Life can be beautiful if we can come face to face with our faults, our part in things, put the finger of blame down and focus on becoming the best person you can be regardless of what others do. The ship is sinking... You will either swim or drown. You do have a choice... it's all up to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I can't help but make excuses when I love him so deeply I would do anything for him despite everything mentioned above. Look I stayed in a bad unhealthy relationship 4yrs before I found this site. The site helped me realize what I already knew. That I was in a bad spot and needed to get out ASAP. I'm grateful that the ppl here were understanding and helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I can't help but make excuses when I love him so deeply I would do anything for him despite everything mentioned above. Then go love him. There's nothing anyone here can do for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Should I really be crying over this guy? Did he ever sincerely love me & want a future with me? In 2 years I never skyped with his family, etc... He made a trip back home to see them & didn't invite me, nor does he have any plans (tentative OR definitive) for me to meet them anytime in near future. When I found his sister on Facebook she told me she had no idea who I was- even though my BF claims he told his family about me- and his sister also begged me to try to make my BF care as much about his family as I seem to about mine. He said "I love you" to me probably 10 times total in 2 years. Rarely complimented me. Didn't do anything for me that he didn't "feel like." Example: he suggested we have a holiday party, I agreed and got excited and spent time crafting a cute online Evite, I showed it to him before sending it out, he got all pissy and said "you have to make everything a big production, no" and shut down the whole party. Why don't you answer this one for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 I can't help but make excuses when I love him so deeply I would do anything for him despite everything mentioned above. Then go do that and be quiet and content with what/who you have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 (edited) I feel like this relationship would've been nothing if not for me. After well over a year, he still hadn't said "I love you" until I kept bringing up how that hurt me. Then he said it and immediately snuck out with another girl. He says he only asked me to move in because I "pushed" him. I'm sorry, bringing up that I thought it would be cool to live together after a year was way too much for him?! And I flew to a place where he had a work conference for the weekend so we could have fun together. There were minimal actual official conference events during the weekend days, just social events. I thought he and I had the best time. He tells me yesterday, "I hadn't wanted you there ruining my time at the conference. You flew. If I had wanted you there, I would've paid for your ticket." Heck, he barely even ever paid for my dinner when we went out. And at that conference, as soon I left he started going out for dinner, drinks, etc with others there whom I didn't know. I said "oh too bad they hadn't wanted to go out over weekend at all... As id told you, it would've been fun to go out on the town with a group." He said "oh they had wanted to... I just figured we'd do things just the two of us while you were here." Or you wanted to hide me from other "potentials"? Like the secretary who came to the conference- he says she has a BF but why was he texting her selfies of himself in the limo? Edited July 14, 2015 by rams10 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 I feel like this relationship would've been nothing if not for me. After well over a year, he still hadn't said "I love you" until I kept bringing up how that hurt me. Then he said it and immediately snuck out with another girl. He says he only asked me to move in because I "pushed" him. I'm sorry, bringing up that I thought it would be cool to live together after a year was way too much for him?! And I flew to a place where he had a work conference for the weekend so we could have fun together. There were minimal actual official conference events during the weekend days, just social events. I thought he and I had the best time. He tells me yesterday, "I hadn't wanted you there ruining my time at the conference. You flew. If I had wanted you there, I would've paid for your ticket." Heck, he barely even ever paid for my dinner when we went out. And at that conference, as soon I left he started going out for dinner, drinks, etc with others there whom I didn't know. I said "oh too bad they hadn't wanted to go out over weekend at all... As id told you, it would've been fun to go out on the town with a group." He said "oh they had wanted to... I just figured we'd do things just the two of us while you were here." Or you wanted to hide me from other "potentials"? Like the secretary who came to the conference- he says she has a BF but why was he texting her selfies of himself in the limo? What do you want - to be happy, or to be "right"? Yes, he's a tool. No, he's not going to recognize your efforts. Dysfunction attracts dysfunction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 I think you are one of those girls who thrive on drama and playing the victim. You can stay and accept what piddling drops of whatever he offers you - that clearly would not be enough any sane woman - or leave. Put up or shut up, as it were.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 The (pretty callous) way he brushed off your request to skype with his parents (a reasonable request given the length of time you've been dating and the fact that you've never met them). I do think it would be revealing of his thoughts about your relationship to learn whether they even know about you. . I found his sister on Facebook (my BF knew I was Going to message her on there because, as I told him, family is so important to me and I wanted to get to know his at least a little). She had no idea who I was, and then she begged me to talk to my BF and try to get him to care about his family as much as I seem to care about mine. His sister said, "I feel he has forgotten us. He doesn't even have my number" let alone he hadn't seen them in 12 years until recently one time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 I think he used to love me, but stopped after 13 months because I brought up how he still hadnt said "I love you," and I wanted to sort of talk about the future- moving in together, if he saw us getting married, etc. he said then "I will propose when the time is right, but you have to trust me and stop asking." But I don't know, I just didn't trust him when he said "I love you" then immediately started asking another girl for pics and trying to meet up with her at a bar at midnight. Because he didn't ever want to say "I love you" on his own, just did it after over a year bc I brought up how it bugged me. He used to seem to really care but after I brought up the above topics after a year, I felt like he no longer wanted me Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Did I really just read the entire thread? I did. OP, I am afraid that you will just have to accept one way or another that this guy just really is not into you. You cannot make someone love you. You run this guy down like a dog yet you want to be with him? Sounds like you are in Bunny Boiler territory. And that's not a good place to be. Please walk away from this guy and seek some professional help. I am not saying that to be mean. I am saying that because I think you would benefit greatly from it. Good Luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Why isn't he into me??? He really seemed to care until I brought up (after 13 months) topics like where he sees us in future and if he was thinking about moving in together, and how he still hadn't said I love you! I'm sorry but I just wanted to know what was up bc he didn't seem super serious Link to post Share on other sites
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