Author rams10 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 I didn't think it was that much to ask for a general timeline (ex in next year or two, vs longer) of getting engaged. He just says "I don't know, I'm not ready," and I ask him what factors need to be in place or any generality about when he might be and he avoids it. Link to post Share on other sites
Perrier Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 When I discuss how I don't want to take the traveling position if he plans on us getting engaged within the next year or so, he just says, "if you want to stay, stay. If you want to leave, leave. I don't care, you are an adult, make your own decision" and I told him I understand if he wants to travel home to see his family alone this time, but I would at least like to talk to them on the phone or "meet" via Skype because family is important in my mind, and it's been 2 years already. He just stares at the wall and won't acknowledge or answer. When I say "are you hiding me from them?" Again he just laughs and says he doesn't care if it's important to me to meet or talk to them... I can keep bringing this up all night and maybe I'll finally get a response when pigs fly. Hate to say this but could he be travelling home alone to view prospective brides his family have chosen for him? Because 2 years is over time to remain in this disrespectful situation. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 I didn't think it was that much to ask for a general timeline (ex in next year or two, vs longer) of getting engaged. He just says "I don't know, I'm not ready," and I ask him what factors need to be in place or any generality about when he might be and he avoids it. Have you even read any of our posts??? HE DOES NOT CARE. He told you HE DOES NOT CARE. I am sorry for yelling, but when you don't pay attention to what the majority of posters are telling you, and post the SAME thing over and over ... sometimes yelling is necessary. Break up with him, it is over for him....he WANTS you to break up with him so he doesn't have to feel guilty about it... Stop being foolish...take the job, it's over. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 I didn't think it was that much to ask for a general timeline (ex in next year or two, vs longer) of getting engaged. He just says "I don't know, I'm not ready," and I ask him what factors need to be in place or any generality about when he might be and he avoids it. Break up with him. Seriously. How has that point not been hammered home by now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 i mean, i asked if his mom was hoping to arrange a marriage for him. he staarted shouting at me, "you ignorant American, you just assume..." i said, "no, i was just asking!!" he said "well she better not be cuz i don't want that." Listen, he could've broken up with me but he didn't. I will get him to love me again Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 I didn't think it was that much to ask for a general timeline (ex in next year or two, vs longer) of getting engaged. He just says "I don't know, I'm not ready," and I ask him what factors need to be in place or any generality about when he might be and he avoids it. How could he know? He doesn't know how long to resolve whatever issues there are that are holding him back. That being said, his avoidance of being specific about the factors that are affecting his decision is odd. I would tell him that you'd like it if the two of you could talk about this again after his trip. And, if at that time, he still doesn't want to be specific or doesn't ask you, I'd simply make a statement that you want to be engaged by X time and that you want to be married and start a family soon and leave it at that. Don't make an ultimatum, I wanna be married by X or I'm out. Wait til your set date and then tell him you're moving on. Pressuring and prodding will not make him do what you want. You need to just make a plan for yourself and be prepared to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 i mean, i asked if his mom was hoping to arrange a marriage for him. he staarted shouting at me, "you ignorant American, you just assume..." i said, "no, i was just asking!!" he said "well she better not be cuz i don't want that." Listen, he could've broken up with me but he didn't. I will get him to love me again I encourage you to seek therapy hon...something is missing upstairs, sorry. Good luck... ((hugs)) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 i mean, i asked if his mom was hoping to arrange a marriage for him. he staarted shouting at me, "you ignorant American, you just assume..." i said, "no, i was just asking!!" he said "well she better not be cuz i don't want that." Listen, he could've broken up with me but he didn't. I will get him to love me again I give up. You want to marry a man that calls you names, sweet. You do need therapy. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 I didn't think it was that much to ask for a general timeline (ex in next year or two, vs longer) of getting engaged. He just says "I don't know, I'm not ready," and I ask him what factors need to be in place or any generality about when he might be and he avoids it. I'm confused by this; I thought he already answered it a number of times (he wants to wait until he's done with the medical degree), so roughly four years. So is the issue that you want him to propose and then just be engaged for years? You may both be 30ish but you both sound pretty immature - the way you each handled his confession of love, for example. The way you're just stubbornly needling away at him for a proposal that he clearly doesn't want to make right now. The (pretty callous) way he brushed off your request to skype with his parents (a reasonable request given the length of time you've been dating and the fact that you've never met them). I do think it would be revealing of his thoughts about your relationship to learn whether they even know about you. OP, if I were you I'd take the travel position (if it's not too late). I think you should believe him when he says he's not ready, and you can't force him to be. Clearly. He's digging in his heels, and anyway, you don't really want a situation where you've bullied someone into making a lifetime commitment to you. What you need is to feel empowered - not over him, but over yourself. Four years is a long time to wait for something nebulous, frankly, and while that might work for some, it is clearly not what you want. Look, he's focusing on his career and has organized his priorities and plans (such as they are) in a way that he likes. That's fine, and there's no earthly reason why you shouldn't do the same. Perhaps you will eventually find your priorities aligned. But perhaps not. In the meantime, let the marriage push go, as it's only making you miserable. Take the travel position, change up the scenery for yourself and clear your head about what you really want and what's really good for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 I didn't think it was that much to ask for a general timeline (ex in next year or two, vs longer) of getting engaged. He just says "I don't know, I'm not ready," and I ask him what factors need to be in place or any generality about when he might be and he avoids it. i mean, i asked if his mom was hoping to arrange a marriage for him. he staarted shouting at me, "you ignorant American, you just assume..." i said, "no, i was just asking!!" he said "well she better not be cuz i don't want that." Listen, he could've broken up with me but he didn't. I will get him to love me again You are so very angry about all of this. That is no way to start a marriage even if he does ask. Seriously, take the traveling job. You need to step away from this whole situation if there is any hope to salvage anything. The more you push the less likely it is that he will propose. At this point you even asking for a timeline, which should not be a unreasonable thing is making him reluctant to talk to you. If you are coming across to us like a mad woman, what do you think he sees? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 WELL, jsut because he won't speak to me right now, he didn't break up with me. He didn't change himself to single on facebook. In all the nasty things he said to me lasst night, he never once said he's done with me or finding somerone else!! i said i'd be right there when he comes home from his business trip Friday, and he responded "I know you will be." then told me I didn't have the backbone to leave him but whatever Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 WELL, jsut because he won't speak to me right now, he didn't break up with me. He didn't change himself to single on facebook. In all the nasty things he said to me lasst night, he never once said he's done with me or finding somerone else!! i said i'd be right there when he comes home from his business trip Friday, and he responded "I know you will be." then told me I didn't have the backbone to leave him but whatever Let me translate the above for you: I'm too much of a whimp to dump you so I am going to continue being horrid to you until you get the hint & break up with me. I also do not respect you enough to marry you because you are a doormat 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 screw him, he knows he won't find better than me, so nope, i doubt he wantxs to dump me or he actually would have. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 screw him, he knows he won't find better than me, so nope, i doubt he wantxs to dump me or he actually would have. He doesn't' want to dump you. He wants you to dump him so he can be the wronged party & you won't be able to say he broke up with you. He's playing games with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 no if he wants to do something he does it. if he wanted to leave me and break up he would have. he had every opportunity to say so himself last night and he nEVER did. at least i believe in love and i'll tell him hey i'm not taking the travel position for you. he will not leave me, ever. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Wait, what? I saw your post above about the arranged marriage argument but now he's not speaking to you? OK, him saying to you that you don't have the backbone to leave him => you should leave him. Now. Before, I was somewhat sympathetic to him because nobody likes being bullied or coerced, but this is a shxtty thing to say. Why would you want to marry a guy who talks to you like that? And what do you mean by "I'll get him to love me again"???!? No no no no no. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 WELL, jsut because he won't speak to me right now, he didn't break up with me. He didn't change himself to single on facebook. In all the nasty things he said to me lasst night, he never once said he's done with me or finding somerone else!! i said i'd be right there when he comes home from his business trip Friday, and he responded "I know you will be." then told me I didn't have the backbone to leave him but whatever Denial can be an ugly thing. Best of luck with this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 no if he wants to do something he does it. if he wanted to leave me and break up he would have. he had every opportunity to say so himself last night and he nEVER did. at least i believe in love and i'll tell him hey i'm not taking the travel position for you. he will not leave me, ever. This is very foolish. I would not count on him not leaving you. If he's returning to his home country for a long trip (I assume it will be of some significant duration, at least a few weeks) then I can guess that his head will be in a very different place when he returns. But you seem to want to stubbornly cling to this relationship for some reason, so I guess there isn't much more to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 he only talks to me like that because i deserved it. i should shut up if he doesnt want to let me speak to his family on the phone after 2 years adn doesnt have a general timeline about the future. BUT... He isn't leaving, or making himself single or hiding our photos online. He loves me. He is a strong willed persno he'd break up with me if that'ss what he t5ruly wanted! Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Denial can be an ugly thing. Best of luck with this. This seems an appropriate place to quote this. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 he will not leave me, ever. Nor will he ever marry you. Why don't you see it when everyone else can? Are you *that* blinded by love for this guy who is so inconsiderate of your feelings? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 inconsiderate of my feelings?! he loves me he jsut feels panicked by the thought of being serious enough to have me speak to his family or get engaged. if he didn't love me he wouldn't keep dating me all this time hes staying forever now. he didn't even break up with me lasst night in all the anger!@ Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 inconsiderate of my feelings?! he loves me he jsut feels panicked by the thought of being serious enough to have me speak to his family or get engaged. if he didn't love me he wouldn't keep dating me all this time hes staying forever now. he didn't even break up with me lasst night in all the anger!@ Fabulous! So if everything is so peachy, why are you here? For SIX months no less! Since everything is apparently so fabs....why not just get off this thread and go be happy with your bf? And stop complaining about him! That's not nice. You sound a little looney, quite frankly. But good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 inconsiderate of my feelings?! he loves me he jsut feels panicked by the thought of being serious enough to have me speak to his family or get engaged. if he didn't love me he wouldn't keep dating me all this time hes staying forever now. he didn't even break up with me lasst night in all the anger!@ Yep. Come back in six months and describe your engagement ring to us... :rolleyes: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 Oh no he needs way longer than 6 months. I'm guessing years. until he feels like what the hell i might as well. he doesn't care when I want to get engaged, he said it's his decision alone since he's purchasing the ring. But you do see that if he wanted to break up with me he would have DONE SO right? not just give me the cold shoulder Link to post Share on other sites
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