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Will we EVER get engaged?


rams10

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MidwestUSA
I feel like whatever I/we are doing hasn't been working, so I need a new plan. One option, I guess, is to move out and tell him I'm just not comfortable continuing to live together without being engaged, and if he's not at that point in his life, then I am getting my own place. Another is to start dating other guys. I did this when he broke up with me 3 months ago, and when he found out (by searching my phone), he confronted me and then was on his "best behavior" trying to get me to "pick" him again I think.

 

Oh, never mind. I answered my own question.

 

:facepalm:

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Blocking me on fb means something. Unless he was worried about what I'd post while he was on planes and out of the country with no internet access... Since he knew I was furious at him, and I'd already said I should contact his siblings on FB to talk to them- though I told him, I shouldn't have to do that bc he should want to facilitate me talking to his family on his own.

 

So maybe the best way to ensure he respects me & thinks I have a "backbone" is to accept the travel position? I wanted to stay here, get a new apt together like he was suggesting (though he alternates this w "I'm opposed to living together"), get a dog and not make our relationship actually regress/downgrade by moving away for a year. But maybe this is the only way for him to respect me, if I take a job only bc it's best for ME?

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Blocking me on fb means something. Unless he was worried about what I'd post while he was on planes and out of the country with no internet access... Since he knew I was furious at him, and I'd already said I should contact his siblings on FB to talk to them- though I told him, I shouldn't have to do that bc he should want to facilitate me talking to his family on his own.

 

***So maybe the best way to ensure he respects me & thinks I have a "backbone" is to accept the travel position? ****

 

I wanted to stay here, get a new apt together like he was suggesting (though he alternates this w "I'm opposed to living together"), get a dog and not make our relationship actually regress/downgrade by moving away for a year. But maybe this is the only way for him to respect me, if I take a job only bc it's best for ME?

 

rams, who are you kidding, there IS no *travel* position and you know it. You have been talking about this damn travel position for going on two years!!

 

You are delusional and need to be back on your meds....immediately! Then leave, go to a shelter...and stop this insanity!

 

There is nothing else to say....

Edited by katiegrl
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Is it really just about me being crazy? He makes fun of my stupid American family and how we like to see each other often. My mom said from the first time she met him that he doesn't seem respectful of me based upon how he spoke about my job. He can't have a conversation about general timelines for marriage, what he sees as needing to happen before he's ready for that in life, or why he has no plans for me to ether meet his family or speak to them on phone.

 

He says he doesn't want to talk to me. He's said this a lot of times before, will just ignore me for days. But he didn't say he's breaking up with me or moving out. Told me its my choice if I want to stay stay. So I guess we are still together?

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**Is it really just about me being crazy? **

 

He makes fun of my stupid American family and how we like to see each other often. My mom said from the first time she met him that he doesn't seem respectful of me based upon how he spoke about my job. He can't have a conversation about general timelines for marriage, what he sees as needing to happen before he's ready for that in life, or why he has no plans for me to ether meet his family or speak to them on phone.

 

He says he doesn't want to talk to me. He's said this a lot of times before, will just ignore me for days. But he didn't say he's breaking up with me or moving out. Told me its my choice if I want to stay stay. So I guess we are still together?

 

YES, it is about YOU being *crazy* ...because YOU are the one deluding yourself into believing that this abusive asshat psychopath could EVER love you, respect you, or marry you. And that my dear IS a form of lunacy -- crazy.

 

This is NOT about HIM and how horribly he treats you -- it is about YOU and why YOU *choose* to stay...despite being treated so disrespectfully and abusively.

 

It is also about YOU being in denial about what's *really* going on....which is the ONLY reason he stays with you is because he is a SADISTIC sociopath who gets off on verbally abusing you and using you as his emotional punching bag...which denial also makes you *crazy*...

 

Of course you will dismiss this...just as you dismiss everything else that goes against your delusional magical thinking...

 

Not sure why I bother....I guess I am hoping for some miracle occurring in which *something* said here sinks in....but that's up to you.

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Not sure why I bother....I guess I am hoping for some miracle occurring in which *something* said here sinks in....but that's up to you.

 

I don't know where you get the energy but I admire it.

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I don't know where you get the energy but I admire it.

 

I dunno either. I would like to think it's patience and empathy, but I am thinking now it's just stupidity.... Ugh.

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Rejected Rosebud

Sorry but I am about 99.9% sure this guy is not planning on marrying you ever so either be ok with the situation and stop nagging him or (better idea! :)) move on so you can have a good life!!

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I am 99.9% sure this guy does not exist and he is part of her delusion.

 

I kinda hope that's true...because the alternative is so much more insideous.... it's frightening to believe shyt like this really happens....even though I know it does.

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It's probably my fault and he's talking to me like a mean insensitive jerk because he's tired of talking about marriage. But the only reason I brought it to do often was because he was such a poor communicator in first place. I brought it up as, "want to know if you see it happening within the next year or two vs longer, and what's holding you back- especially when you claim that living together unmarried is morally wrong." He never opened up or communicated anything to me. said "when I am ready I'll ask the question. That's all the info you're getting.'if that's not good enough then you're free to leave me"

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Then leave.

 

He does not want the same as you.

 

Stop forcing him to want it. He doesn't want it and you do.

 

Find an available man who really wants to get married... He is not your guy.

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How exactly did I teach him I'm not worth respecting??

 

Uh, read every single bit of what you have posted. I'm not sure I even respect you after all of this.

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I feel like whatever I/we are doing hasn't been working, so I need a new plan. One option, I guess, is to move out and tell him I'm just not comfortable continuing to live together without being engaged, and if he's not at that point in his life, then I am getting my own place. Another is to start dating other guys. I did this when he broke up with me 3 months ago, and when he found out (by searching my phone), he confronted me and then was on his "best behavior" trying to get me to "pick" him again I think.

 

So you want to do this every time you have problems? That's not going to get you a ring. That is probably fine with him, because your relationship takes a step back to a more comfortable level, and he continues to be allowed to string you along because he knows it's an act and that you will come back.

 

Jeeezzzus. Move out, break it off, and never look back.

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MidwestUSA
It's probably my fault and he's talking to me like a mean insensitive jerk because he's tired of talking about marriage. But the only reason I brought it to do often was because he was such a poor communicator in first place. I brought it up as, "want to know if you see it happening within the next year or two vs longer, and what's holding you back- especially when you claim that living together unmarried is morally wrong." He never opened up or communicated anything to me. said "when I am ready I'll ask the question. That's all the info you're getting.'if that's not good enough then you're free to leave me"

 

You're worried about his thoughts on living together being morally wrong, but think it's okay to find other guys as soon as you're on the outs with him (but still living together)?

 

Hypocritical at all?

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It's probably my fault and he's talking to me like a mean insensitive jerk because he's tired of talking about marriage. But the only reason I brought it to do often was because he was such a poor communicator in first place. I brought it up as, "want to know if you see it happening within the next year or two vs longer, and what's holding you back- especially when you claim that living together unmarried is morally wrong." He never opened up or communicated anything to me. said "when I am ready I'll ask the question. That's all the info you're getting.'if that's not good enough then you're free to leave me"

 

It will not get clearer than this (although this has been posted a few times).

 

He does not respect you, and never will.

 

He has no intention of marrying you.

 

He does not care about you.

 

You should leave.

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I am 99.9% sure this guy does not exist and he is part of her delusion.

 

I am super on board with this theory at this point.

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Why do you think this?? I know my mom said it the first time she met him bc of the way he spoke about my job etc. and maybe he's just been with me for good sex and half his rent paid after I moved in. He dated his ex for 3 years, never said I love you, then dumped her bc she wanted to start talking about getting married & never looked back. He said "u want proof I don't care and can leave? Look what I did with her"

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It's probably my fault and he's talking to me like a mean insensitive jerk because he's tired of talking about marriage. But the only reason I brought it to do often was because he was such a poor communicator in first place. I brought it up as, "want to know if you see it happening within the next year or two vs longer, and what's holding you back- especially when you claim that living together unmarried is morally wrong." He never opened up or communicated anything to me. said "when I am ready I'll ask the question. That's all the info you're getting.'if that's not good enough then you're free to leave me"

 

It is one thing for a guy to be an insensitive jerk.

 

But when your own boyfriend calls you a "monkey" who needs a "banana" (your meds)....THAT goes way beyond simply being a jerk....and makes him a sadistic abusive sociopathic douchebag.

 

And once again, yes it IS your fault. You have taught him how to treat you quite well.

 

He doesn't treat you this way because you nag him about marriage. He treats you this way because he has NO respect for you because you are weak and won't ever leave...and HE knows it!

 

 

Wish you the best.

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So this is how my boyfriend fights. As he's done before, he says "stop calling, I don't want to talk to you," then "i'm blockign your emails too." But this time at least, unlike previous times, he didn't break up with me. Said "I'm not leaving, i'm not asking you to leave either - it's up to you what to do." So how do I proceed? After all we've been through he can't leave me just because I wanted to talk in general about when I might meet his family and think about getting engaged as it relates to my need to accept or reject travel position soon.

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Why aren't you the one breaking up? He's not willing to consider what you want... Why would you even want to marry any guy like that?

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the advice i am looking for is how to get him to love me again.

He specifically said he wasn't trying to get me to move out or move out himself. He never said he was breaking up with me. He just says "i dont wnat to talk to you" and "i'm blocking your emails." and he has done these things many times before. so what do i do next to show him i have remorse for our fight the other day?

Though i don't even know what I did wrong the other day. Asked in general if I could either meet or talk to his faraway family on the phone. He responds by shouting at me about being an ignorant american. i said I was just asking him, and he says "well keep f*cking asking, maybe I'll answer when the cows come home"

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snowflakes88
the advice i am looking for is how to get him to love me again.

He specifically said he wasn't trying to get me to move out or move out himself. He never said he was breaking up with me. He just says "i dont wnat to talk to you" and "i'm blocking your emails." and he has done these things many times before. so what do i do next to show him i have remorse for our fight the other day?

Though i don't even know what I did wrong the other day. Asked in general if I could either meet or talk to his faraway family on the phone. He responds by shouting at me about being an ignorant american. i said I was just asking him, and he says "well keep f*cking asking, maybe I'll answer when the cows come home"

 

Apologize for asking him about getting married, and become content with being just a live-in girlfriend. When he calls you names and curses you out, make sure you hide in the bathroom to cry so you don't annoy him. Forget about meeting his family or anyone who is important to him. Again, go and hide when those things make you want to cry, because you don't want him having to deal with annoying things like your emotions and feelings. This should at least give you a good start.

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When you put it that way... I just need to figure out how to make him love and respect me. He's doing his usual style of fighting right now... Saying he doesn't want to talk to me, claiming he blocked my emails (I'm tech savvy and realize he actually didn't, & he hasn't blocked my phone number either).

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When you put it that way... I just need to figure out how to make him love and respect me. He's doing his usual style of fighting right now... Saying he doesn't want to talk to me, claiming he blocked my emails (I'm tech savvy and realize he actually didn't, & he hasn't blocked my phone number either).

 

I think that ship has already sailed. You can't unring a bell.

 

He does not love and respect you, and has no intention of marrying you. The sooner you accept that, the better off you will be.

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