Author rams10 Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 I just said I'm interested in marriage and kids and I wasn't sure he was up for that in the somewhat near future. It also really bothered me that he hadn't said I love you after a year, even though I did. He said he'd never said the words to any girl in past (despite dating his most recent girlfriend "seriously" for 3 years). You think him not apologizing means he stopped caring? Um this incident was a year ago and he never apologized back then either. any disagreement we have, he stonewalls and literally refuses to speak to me for up to 1 week at a time. Just stares at me crying, emotionless. Always has. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I think the way he phrased it is the bigger problem. He's making it a power struggle. He needs to show he won & that's bad. The fact that he isn't saying ILY but you need to hear it is also problematic. It may make you incompatible. All hope isn't lost but it may take more time & patience then you have. My DH is stoic, he doesn't express emotion much but he would say ILY, especially in response to hearing it from me. It took me a long time to get him comfortable enough to say it first. He expressed love in many non-verbal ways but like you I wanted to hear the words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 He was just so quick to jump to that other girl when there was even a hint of relationship problem. Logic tells me, how can I really trust him not to flirt or cheat when the going gets rough again? especially when he won't say I'm sorry, say he was wrong, or change something (like stop hiding his phone passcode from me when I freely give him mine) Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 So end it. Some things aren't worth fixing. My point wasn't that you needed to take him back or forgive him but I wanted to open your eyes to how dysfunctional your own actions were in this situation. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 OK rams10 wanted some commitment, but ended up with an answer she didn't like "I love you, BUT..." I guess the "BUT" didn't go down well hence the storming out. He then responds by trying to hook up with someone else Is that a man in love with the OP? I guess not. He then proceeds to lead the girl on and gets overly upset when he is found out... Too much drama here. This is not a relationship that sounds like it should lead to marriage. Poor kids... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Hmmmm well I would say this relationship is over. Hun if it doesn't feel right, then it's not.....it probably never did feel right all along, you are probably one of those who tells themself....things will change or get better if I wait it out....a little longer.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Then how do I get him to love me? The fact that you are asking us how to get him to love you, means that you know in your heart that he does not really love you. This being true after 1 1/2 years does not bode well for the two of you long term. You are in a placeholder relationship, trying to make more of it than you should. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Sure can be upset he was talking to another girl. Just if I said love you for the first time and was starting a conversation of future together...and you left cause had plans with a friend.....I would probably start talking to other women as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 It's always been bare minimum. Doesn't want to ever have long convos, find out what makes me tick or tell me about him, his family. If I ask about them (he went 10 years without seeing them, his sister begged me on Facebook to make him care more about family the way I do). Never compliments me or even supports stuff I say- "that's great hon," or "that's something I really like about you. That's cool." Stares at me. Blows me off for a full week when we fight- and the fight is just me wanting to innocuously bring up a topic like when I could possibly meet his family (he finally visited them but said I couldn't come, and won't let me Skype or face time , and his sister said honestly she had no clue I existed till we started talking on Facebook) Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 It's always been bare minimum. Doesn't want to ever have long convos, find out what makes me tick or tell me about him, his family. If I ask about them (he went 10 years without seeing them, his sister begged me on Facebook to make him care more about family the way I do). Never compliments me or even supports stuff I say- "that's great hon," or "that's something I really like about you. That's cool." Stares at me. Blows me off for a full week when we fight- and the fight is just me wanting to innocuously bring up a topic like when I could possibly meet his family (he finally visited them but said I couldn't come, and won't let me Skype or face time , and his sister said honestly she had no clue I existed till we started talking on Facebook) So why are you going out with him???? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 It's always been bare minimum. Doesn't want to ever have long convos, find out what makes me tick or tell me about him, his family. If I ask about them (he went 10 years without seeing them, his sister begged me on Facebook to make him care more about family the way I do). Never compliments me or even supports stuff I say- "that's great hon," or "that's something I really like about you. That's cool." Stares at me. Blows me off for a full week when we fight- and the fight is just me wanting to innocuously bring up a topic like when I could possibly meet his family (he finally visited them but said I couldn't come, and won't let me Skype or face time , and his sister said honestly she had no clue I existed till we started talking on Facebook) I don't think you were wrong to mention wanting marriage and children to see if he was on the same page. It's good to know these things without time wasting. I do feel you were wrong to just walk out when he said he loved you, unless he said it in a way that was just to shut you up. If it was genuine and you walked off, that wasn't so good. Moving to the here and now....I don't think you are compatible. That doesn't mean it's either your fault or his fault. Your family values differ and that can be difficult in the long term. You seem close to your family, he's not close to his and they know nothing about you after a year. I didn't notice your ages ....perhaps that could explain a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Some things can be left to interpretation, but "F you" ? Hell no. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 So many red flags here both with him and you. Any guy that can go a week without seeing/talking/acknowledging his girlfriend clearly doesn't care that much about her. It appears that he knows he has the upper hand due to your expression of your feelings and long term goals/needs. Saying you loved him early on in the relationship and having him not reciprocate those words should've told you something right there. You are just in different places and want different things right now. You want to get married and have a timeline for that and are trying to get him to say he's on board and/or wants the same things. He's told you he doesn't. You're not going to change that. You giving him your phone passcode and assuming he should just give you his is childish. Especially when you've proven to be nosey and snoop (with good reason I'll admit). The reasons couples share their phone passwords with each other is because they have nothing to worry about or hide. However in my opinion I also wouldn't give a girl my phone code if i know the only reason I'm giving it to her is so she can look through my phone. That's insulting. This relationship doesn't look good and recommend you stop wasting your own time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
toscaroscura Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Let's look at the facts here. You want this man to be the future father of your children; to promise himself to you forever. This man, who: -is emotionally constipated and cannot express his feelings. -he uses the Silent Treatment and stonewalling. Believe it or not, this is abuse and it won't get better. -does not care about his family whatsoever. You didn't mention any abusive family history so I just assume he doesn't give a crap. What makes you think he'll be a more involved father than he is a son/brother?? -is shallow, as in, he never wants to dig deep about anything. You will end up intellectually frustrated to the max, married to a man you can never really talk to. -has a roving eye towards other women and poor boundaries. He only told the other girl about you because you made him, then later wanted to see her anyway. -you LITERALLY called him slime. What are you so afraid of? Why are you clinging so tightly to this guy? Do you really think he is the best you can get? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 It's always been bare minimum. Doesn't want to ever have long convos, find out what makes me tick or tell me about him, his family. If I ask about them (he went 10 years without seeing them, his sister begged me on Facebook to make him care more about family the way I do). Never compliments me or even supports stuff I say- "that's great hon," or "that's something I really like about you. That's cool." Stares at me. Blows me off for a full week when we fight- and the fight is just me wanting to innocuously bring up a topic like when I could possibly meet his family (he finally visited them but said I couldn't come, and won't let me Skype or face time , and his sister said honestly she had no clue I existed till we started talking on Facebook) Stop focusing on HIM. Focus on YOU and your own needs. He is not meeting your needs PERIOD. You cannot make him do this. Get out of his head and into yours. He's shown you what kind of man he is and that he can't/doesn't want to meet your needs. There's nothing you can do about it. Go no contact. He hasn't been meeting your needs for quite some time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppy89 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 He told you that he loved you and you walked out. Then you found out he started texting another girl and hanging out with her, got mad it him once more. I feel like both of you are to blame for this - I think your gut is telling you that he's checked out but you can't let him go, ergo the anger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 It's always been bare minimum. Doesn't want to ever have long convos, find out what makes me tick or tell me about him, his family. If I ask about them (he went 10 years without seeing them, his sister begged me on Facebook to make him care more about family the way I do). Never compliments me or even supports stuff I say- "that's great hon," or "that's something I really like about you. That's cool." Stares at me. Blows me off for a full week when we fight- and the fight is just me wanting to innocuously bring up a topic like when I could possibly meet his family (he finally visited them but said I couldn't come, and won't let me Skype or face time , and his sister said honestly she had no clue I existed till we started talking on Facebook) All of the above should tell you that he doesn't feel the same about you as you do about him. He does not love you and you can't make him love you. You can get married and have kids but not with this guy. You need to marry and have kids with a man that wants you. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 It's always been bare minimum. Doesn't want to ever have long convos, find out what makes me tick or tell me about him, his family. If I ask about them (he went 10 years without seeing them, his sister begged me on Facebook to make him care more about family the way I do). Never compliments me or even supports stuff I say- "that's great hon," or "that's something I really like about you. That's cool." Stares at me. Blows me off for a full week when we fight- and the fight is just me wanting to innocuously bring up a topic like when I could possibly meet his family (he finally visited them but said I couldn't come, and won't let me Skype or face time , and his sister said honestly she had no clue I existed till we started talking on Facebook) This guy does not want to make you a part of his life. You can't see that from writing that? He's pretty much told you where to go and how to quickly get there. Stop wasting your youth on him... you're going to grow old trying to make him do what he has no intention on doing. You'll look up and you'll be 40-something and still no where near where you want to be in life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Some things can be left to interpretation, but "F you" ? Hell no. Yeah, F you pretty much tells you exactly where you stand and it's behind the chick with the liquor stash. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 It's always been bare minimum. Doesn't want to ever have long convos, find out what makes me tick or tell me about him, his family. If I ask about them (he went 10 years without seeing them, his sister begged me on Facebook to make him care more about family the way I do). Never compliments me or even supports stuff I say- "that's great hon," or "that's something I really like about you. That's cool." Stares at me. Blows me off for a full week when we fight- and the fight is just me wanting to innocuously bring up a topic like when I could possibly meet his family (he finally visited them but said I couldn't come, and won't let me Skype or face time , and his sister said honestly she had no clue I existed till we started talking on Facebook) Given all of this, why would even consider a future with this guy? You two obviously are not on the same page whatsoever. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Heer Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Hello, I definitely feel that talking about marriage and kids after only 1 year might be a bit preemptive. Even though I know that I love my bf (been tgt less than 1 year) I would still hesitate if he told me he wanted kids and wanted to get married soon. I'm so sorry for your situation but if he is mad at you I will give him some time and space to cool off. It's good for you and good for him. Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 So. He says he talked to that other girl when he considered us broken up, after I said "I think we're on different pages," he said "I love you" for first time and "I do want to marry you," and I responded by leaving and going out to bar. He said he's never cheated on me & never would. Meanwhile, during a different short period we were broken up, my BF read my texts and discovered I was sending q selfie to another guy, and I met. Another one at a bar and later got drinks w him a second night. So he feels I did exact same thing. As far as saying "F you," I think I said that to him and called him an A hole long before he ever swore at me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 All of the above should tell you that he doesn't feel the same about you as you do about him. He does not love you and you can't make him love you. You can get married and have kids but not with this guy. You need to marry and have kids with a man that wants you. I said F you to him many times long before he ever said it to me. And He says all the time "I do want to marry you when I am ready, it's been less than 2 years, why do you feel need to rush and expedite things?" Says he'd propose within next year if I stopped nagging him to do it every day because that sends message I don't trust him to do it on his own which, he says, makes him not want to do anything. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 When my X said F you to me, I looked around to see who she was talking to. A short time later, she was looking around to try to talk to me. No thanks. I withdraw my post. Good Luck OP 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mg101 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 He sounds shady and emotionally abusive. Dump him. Link to post Share on other sites
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