Ex Hid New Relationship From Me?

[Jakoba]

Hey everyone,

I am new to the forum so forgive me if this is posted in the wrong place. It was either here or the break up forum but at this point I feel like this section is more applicable to the situation I am going through.

 

I want to make this as short and to the point as possible, however I also want the most accurate/reliable advice I can get so for now I am just going to summarize the situation, but plan to edit in a more detailed look at the relationship later, or you can just ask for any details and I will answer them.

 

Okay, so this is my situation.

Me and my boyfriend of 8 months broke up a litter over a year ago. We had a pretty good relationship built off of 4 years of friendship. The first few months we remained pretty close and aside from the lack of "I love yous" and pet names not much changed.

 

3 months after the break up he suddenly cuts all contact. Another 3 months pass and he contacts me again - things fall back pretty much the way they were (hanging out, cuddling, kissing, sweet texts, etc) until he cuts contact again - This back and forth goes on for about a year (3-4 times)

 

It's always goes the same way, he messages me saying he still wants to be friends. When we hangout there is still a connection between us, and we are both still attracted to one another. We usually end up cuddling and kissing. Shortly after we hangout he cuts contact again.

 

Just recently we got into contact again and after talking for about a month we made plans to hangout. When we hung out things seemed a bit different, I couldn't quite put my finger on it but things felt off since the last time we hung out. We watched a movie and caught up with one another. Hanging out proved to be difficult because I still have pretty deep feelings for him. To make a long story short he ended up kissing me and I told him no, because we weren't in a relationship anymore. (I want him back and going along with it hasn't worked so far) when I do he says "I haven't been with anyone since you and I broke up." this spurred a conversation about relationships. He told me he hadn't dated anyone since me and had no intentions of doing so for a while, which sounded great, but also kind of hurt. After that we continued hanging out and one thing lead to another and we ended up having sex :banghead: Afterwards I got upset. He apologized for what had happened between us and said that if I wanted we could just say this visit didn't count and would have a do-over after Christmas break. I happily agreed.

 

We talked for a few days after I left and than he just stopped, I figured he had just cut contact again as that's how it usually went.

 

That same day I find out that not only did he make a whole new facebook which I am blocked from, he has been in a relationship with another girl for the past FOUR months... Meaning not only did he lie to me about his relationship status and deleting facebook, but he cheated on her with me! I checked out her facebook and she posted a photo of them the day after me and him hooked up last :/ That explains why things felt different between us this time.

 

I am so shocked. I never saw this coming from him. I have known him for two years, he's not a cheater... I'm just baffled. I have no idea what to do.

As far as I know he has no idea that I know about the new facebook or his girlfriend.

 

THEN today I was even more shocked to wake up to a morning text from him - I had figured he had cut contact again, like he normally would. This is a huge deal for me because it means that he's broken his typical cycle.

 

I'm confused, and hurt, and shocked and I honestly don't know what to do. I haven't responded to his text. I don't know if I should or not. A huge part of me still wants to be with him - another part of me is asking myself if I would ever trust him again.

 

Before he text me this morning my original plan was to just wait it out until he contacted me next and than use NC on him, but now that he's text me and already switched up his usual pattern part of me is saying to talk to him and see where it goes.

 

I'm so confused. Why did he hide all of this from me? What was with the back and forth? Why didn't he cut contact this time? Is there any hope?

 

I need advice.

[FusionCutter]

You know him better than anyone here. In your opinion, why do you think he would hide all of it from you?

[Realist3]

He is using you. Don't waste your time. If he wanted you he would be all in trying to win you. He isn't. He is playing stupid games.

[Jakoba]

You know him better than anyone here. In your opinion, why do you think he would hide all of it from you?

 

A large part of me thinks it may be because I told him several times that I didn't think I would be able to even be friends if he started dating someone new.

 

I'm still torn. He could easily cut me from his life completely but he keeps coming back. It takes him a while sometimes (usually 3 months - this time he didn't really leave at all) but he always comes back. That can't mean nothing.

 

I want to believe that the reason he keeps coming back is because there are still feelings for me somewhere in him. But I don't want to get my hopes up either.

[Realist3]

A large part of me thinks it may be because I told him several times that I didn't think I would be able to even be friends if he started dating someone new.

 

I'm still torn. He could easily cut me from his life completely but he keeps coming back. It takes him a while sometimes (usually 3 months - this time he didn't really leave at all) but he always comes back. That can't mean nothing.

 

I want to believe that the reason he keeps coming back is because there are still feelings for me somewhere in him. But I don't want to get my hopes up either.

 

Or he knows you are an easy and available lay. He doesn't have to do much of anything, and yet there you are.

[sunburned]

he's not a cheater... I'm just baffled. I have no idea what to do.

As far as I know he has no idea that I know about the new facebook or his girlfriend.

 

1. But he is a cheater

 

2. You know exactly what to do. Cut contact with the guy you thought you knew.

 

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. He probably "cycles" every time he and his new girlfriend have a fight. I just wouldn't reply to that text at all. Not ever. Let him hurt and wonder what happened. As Realist said, you've made it too easy for him to use you because you don't demand anything in return. Not even honesty.

 

Hold your head up, girl, and walk away.

[FusionCutter]

A large part of me thinks it may be because I told him several times that I didn't think I would be able to even be friends if he started dating someone new.

 

I'm still torn. He could easily cut me from his life completely but he keeps coming back. It takes him a while sometimes (usually 3 months - this time he didn't really leave at all) but he always comes back. That can't mean nothing.

 

I want to believe that the reason he keeps coming back is because there are still feelings for me somewhere in him. But I don't want to get my hopes up either.

 

A reliable and honestly lover wouldn't hide anything. He would do anything for to make you feel safe. He would respect you enough that if he decided to pursue something new with someone else he would never leave you dangling and feeling like this.

 

A reliable and good man shows you respect and it doesn't seem like he's doing that for you.

 

What do you think?

[cif]

It's time to cut the chord.

 

Let him know why you're going NC, then do it. He will plead and make excuses. Stay strong. Show him you deserve better.

[Poppy47]

Yes... obviously IS a cheater.

 

He's lied to you and his new girlfriend.... using you here and there when he feel like it.

 

He's certainly not worthy friendship.

 

Untrustworthy... don't care how well you thought you knew him, you obviously didn't know it all.

 

Poppy

[prettyeyes87]

I don't want to state the obvious but knowing someone just 2 years isn't that long to know what that person is completely capable of. I mean even wives married to their husband's 20+ years are shocked by affairs because they thought they "knew" the man they married. Take that for what it's worth and accpet that maybe you didn't know him as well as you thought.

 

Go NC right now, I personally don't like the idea of informing the other party I am going NC because I don't owe them ish...not even an explanation.

 

I'm not trying to be mean but it sounds like he was using you as a booty call...I mean you guys hook up and then you don't hear from him in a few months???? That should tell you all you need to know.

 

Please go NC and leave him to wonder why YOU up and disappeared this time. You said he is breaking his normal cycle by contacting you so soon? Then break yours and NOT be available to him.

[Jakoba]

Thank you for the insight everyone. I know many of you are going to look down on me for saying this, but being in the situation first hand, I feel like there's a lot more going on than just using me as a "booty call" - partly because it's not common for our hangouts to get to that.

 

I don't want to state the obvious but knowing someone just 2 years isn't that long to know what that person is completely capable of.

 

As I said in my original post we have been broken up for a year after a year long relationship that was built on four years of friendship. I have known him for 6 years total - not 2. I'm not saying that it's not possible for me to not to have known him the way I thought I did, or that he couldn't have changed, it's just really hard to comprehend especially given the type of relationship we had.

 

I wish I never had to end up in this situation at all. I just miss when him and I used to have.

[Javelin]

Jakoba,

 

If you stay with him, try to pursue him, or continue contact with him - he will end up hurting you. Especially, when the truth comes out. I say this because cheating doesn't just happen and people don't drop off the face of the earth. He's playing childish games, he's an immature womanizer, and he's likely cheated on his past girlfriends (including you) as well. You just can't accept the facts or clues because you're blinded by your feelings.

 

What more can I say? You fell in-love with a player.

[laelithia]

Jakoba,

 

I was in almost the exact same situation as you. However, I confronted my ex about his new relationship and he denied it. I then contacted the other girl, both to confirm my suspicions on their relationship and to let her know he had been cheating on both of us.

 

Long story short, it was a traumatic experience that finally showed me that my ex was NOT the person I thought he was and fell in love with. I severed all contact with him and now about 2 weeks later I feel amazing and free from all the pain. It's a toxic addiction, and once you go through a painful withdraw period, you feel liberated and the world doesn't seem so bad anymore. Let her have him, he will always be unfaithful and you will never fully trust him again. You will find a much better man and wonder why you ever pined for this boy.

[Jakoba]

Jakoba,

 

I was in almost the exact same situation as you. However, I confronted my ex about his new relationship and he denied it. I then contacted the other girl, both to confirm my suspicions on their relationship and to let her know he had been cheating on both of us.

 

Long story short, it was a traumatic experience that finally showed me that my ex was NOT the person I thought he was and fell in love with. I severed all contact with him and now about 2 weeks later I feel amazing and free from all the pain. It's a toxic addiction, and once you go through a painful withdraw period, you feel liberated and the world doesn't seem so bad anymore. Let her have him, he will always be unfaithful and you will never fully trust him again. You will find a much better man and wonder why you ever pined for this boy.

 

This whole things is just an extremely upsetting and painful thing to be going through, especially with the recent loss of my mom. I feel crushed. I feel like the 6 years I knew him have just come to nothing.

 

The first few times he cut contact then came back he seemed himself. He seemed a bit nervous of the idea, but he did seem like he wanted to get back together until I made some foolish moves on my part, shortly after he'd retreat and distance himself again. This time, however, it's like a new guy. This time I feel like I am dealing with someone with some sort of personality disorder. He's just not himself. He didn't seem to have any emotion really. Bits of his old self would shine through and I could see him having fun and laughing but than it was like he'd quickly close himself off again and just quit feeling. It's honestly the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

 

I don't know, the whole thing just makes me extremely sad...

[Keke1]

Come on. Don't fall for this. You're being played. Be better than the horror stories you've heard. Be better than him

[Zahara]

We all want to believe that our relationship was so special that our ex/partner could never do anything to hurt us. What's hapoening to you is textbook.

 

He comes back to you because you're an available and accessible benefit -- sex, company, fun, etc. all without the hassle of commitment. Perfect for HIM. It's easy. It's ready for him every 3 months. You've set the cycle and you've shown him that he doesn't need to give you much but a pop in out of the blue and you're back in his arms giving him all the attention he needs. You taught him that you literally deserve nothing for him to get something. Stop trying to tie your past friendship/relationship into it because if someone cares and loves you, they don't toss you around every 3 months, and pursue other women for relationships.

 

He's hidden the gf from you because he still wants to get the goodies from you. It's very simple. How treats you and how he treats her is just who he is -- a selfish user. Regardless of who gets hurt, first priority is his needs and wants. He's a cheater, a manipulator and a user.

 

You don't want to be with someone like him. He's showing you WHO HE IS. Pay close attention and walk away. Stop romanticizing him based on what you had with him in the past. Focus on who he is NOW.

 

If you want to continue the cycle of being used, then contact him.

Edited January 2, 2015 by Zahara

[Purepony]

Well good job at least you're accountable for your mistakes glad you accepted now you have to make a decision decision is to move on you really don't deserve this.

 

First don't respond to his text message block him block his messages because if you ignore him its going to make him text you or call you more but that's only desperation and is not going to get you anything.

 

The second thing you have to do is go out and talk to your friends if any of them talk to him tell them to just tell him your happy that's all.

[laelithia]

This whole things is just an extremely upsetting and painful thing to be going through, especially with the recent loss of my mom. I feel crushed. I feel like the 6 years I knew him have just come to nothing.

 

The first few times he cut contact then came back he seemed himself. He seemed a bit nervous of the idea, but he did seem like he wanted to get back together until I made some foolish moves on my part, shortly after he'd retreat and distance himself again. This time, however, it's like a new guy. This time I feel like I am dealing with someone with some sort of personality disorder. He's just not himself. He didn't seem to have any emotion really. Bits of his old self would shine through and I could see him having fun and laughing but than it was like he'd quickly close himself off again and just quit feeling. It's honestly the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

 

I don't know, the whole thing just makes me extremely sad...

 

It really pained me to read this, I feel like you're a past version of me. I remember exactly feeling like you do, thinking like you that I did something "foolish" that further pushed him away. I also remember the slow death of the person I loved. And I think you should think of it that way. The bits of the "old self" you speak about will become less and less until there is none of it left. Because that "himself" you speak of does not exist in this world anymore. I can't stress that enough. The person he was when he seemingly loved you is GONE. Once you realize this, you will stop holding on to who he is now, which I guarantee you will never be who you remember. In my case, the person I loved and remembered was fabricated anyway so he never existed in the first place. Once you come to these very hard realizations you can start healing. Stop overthinking every little thing you do, every contact you make with him, every little thing he's said since or before the break up. It all accounts for nothing. Simply just STOP. Like I said, you have an addiction that you need to get over. And the only way to do that is to go cold turkey and sweat it out. And the truth is, he actually is doing this for you because you were unable to. Do not give him the satisfaction of going back. I promise you, you can do this.

 

I'm 5 months post break up, just under 1 month of NC and I feel even better than I did when we were together. I'm now coming to the realization that my addiction to him was fed by deeper issues that I had neglected in my life. Now with him gone, I am able to focus on those and come closer to finding peace within myself and understanding why I feel the need to hang on to people like this who I KNOW are not good enough for me. Please, save yourself some horrible and unnecessary heartbreak that I went through, choose YOU.

[smuggy95]

making a fake facebook account is a very deliberate, planned step of manipulation and deceit.

So's the cheating.

Get tested for STDs, the poor gf should know too.

Maybe it's not just you two he's sleeping with.

[Jakoba]

Thanks for the words everyone.

This has honestly been a really hard thing to come to terms with, there are still times where I am just completely baffled by the lies. It was the last thing I ever expected of him.

 

I do want to say that I don't think there is any fear of me going back thinking "we're special" or "I'm different" - I've never really been that way. Most of my meeting up with him was more an attempt to spare our friendship, or at least try to talk about what happened between me and him. (I never had that chance when we broke up), however, every time I'd come home from his house I'd leave with mixed signals thinking he'd want back together and I'd start to think maybe there was a shot - This time I learnt otherwise because he had a girlfriend. - To simplify, I'd go back into contact with him thinking we could be friends, but feelings would resurface and I'd question what I wanted.

 

It really pained me to read this, I feel like you're a past version of me. I remember exactly feeling like you do, thinking like you that I did something "foolish" that further pushed him away. I also remember the slow death of the person I loved. And I think you should think of it that way. The bits of the "old self" you speak about will become less and less until there is none of it left. Because that "himself" you speak of does not exist in this world anymore. I can't stress that enough. The person he was when he seemingly loved you is GONE. Once you realize this, you will stop holding on to who he is now, which I guarantee you will never be who you remember. In my case, the person I loved and remembered was fabricated anyway so he never existed in the first place. Once you come to these very hard realizations you can start healing. Stop overthinking every little thing you do, every contact you make with him, every little thing he's said since or before the break up. It all accounts for nothing. Simply just STOP. Like I said, you have an addiction that you need to get over. And the only way to do that is to go cold turkey and sweat it out. And the truth is, he actually is doing this for you because you were unable to. Do not give him the satisfaction of going back. I promise you, you can do this.

 

I'm 5 months post break up, just under 1 month of NC and I feel even better than I did when we were together. I'm now coming to the realization that my addiction to him was fed by deeper issues that I had neglected in my life. Now with him gone, I am able to focus on those and come closer to finding peace within myself and understanding why I feel the need to hang on to people like this who I KNOW are not good enough for me. Please, save yourself some horrible and unnecessary heartbreak that I went through, choose YOU.

 

It's honestly really nice to know there are people who have been in my shoes and can relate to my feelings right now.

 

I don't really feel mad at him. When he was cutting contact I was a bit. And I was really mad when I found out he had lied about having a girlfriend, but it's kind of subsided. Now it's just like this dull sadness.

 

In the end I've chosen me. I'm the one who cut contact this time.

[Jakoba]

making a fake facebook account is a very deliberate, planned step of manipulation and deceit.

So's the cheating.

Get tested for STDs, the poor gf should know too.

Maybe it's not just you two he's sleeping with.

 

He didn't make a fake facebook. He deactivated his, than several months later created a new one that I was unaware of.

 

I have no intentions of telling his girlfriend. I know this may sound cruel, or harsh, but that's not my responsibility. If she doesn't know already I'm sure she will find out sooner or later. I'd be shocked if she didn't already know to be honest. He had screen-caped hundreds of snapchat pictures of me when we were talking (for those who don't know, snapchat will notify you if someone saves pictures of you to their phone) not to mention we were texting 24/7. If she didn't get suspicious of that than she is even more naive than I, in which case I doubt she would even believe me if I told her.