How should I deal with ex wife

[hurts_so_bad]

Hey guys I havent been on in a while..Some of you out there know my story but for the others that dont I will give a quick summary..

 

I was married 17 years and have three kids with my ex...She was a good mom and wife but I was a lose cannon..I dont want to get to far into it but I wasnt the best husband or father..I drank and got in trouble a few times drinking and driving which caused many problems but I was a good provider and always took care of my kids and household finacially..

 

Early 2012 I got the Im not in love with you anymore speech so we seperated..It wasnt long after that I found out she started dating someone from her job...Its going on 3 years now and although I have cleared my head from a lot of confusion and hurt I still at times do not know how to deal with her..

 

Everyone says no contact but as anyone with kids would know thats impossible!

She hasnt been a bitch with me and is very good with me as far a child support and I see the kids all the time...No courts have been involved at all aside for when I had to get a lawyer for our legal seperation...

 

All is basically well but I still get in my head sometimes on how to deal with her..I believe in always trying to treat people in a respectful manner but the extent of what I give is limited to what has been earned..

 

So I am always respectful to her when she calls or texts regarding the kids..

 

BUt sometimes she texts about stuff that is not about the kids..

 

About a month or so ago I was sick and almost checked myself into the hospital with a very bad cold...So I text my son who lives with me to tell him that I might check myself into the hospital and may not be home..I didnt check myself in to the hospital so I came home.

 

He must have mentioned something to my ex because the next day she was texting me asking how I was feeling and that she heard I was in the hospital..I told her I was fwwling a little better and decided not to check myself into the hospital. She in turn said oh ok and contnued to tell me things I should do to get rid of the bad chest cold I had..I said I will and thanks..

 

Maybe a week later I get a text out of nowhere with a link to check out a trading site..I have a small side business on ebay buying and selling things and this was a trading site that she thought may be of interest to me..Again I said thank you, I will check it out...

 

Thats what confuses me! Why is she bothering aside for the kids? She has a boyfriend with pics on facebook and the whole nine! I think the way I am handling things is the correct way just being respectful and cutting it short but I sometimes feel that everytime I answer her I am in some small way reassuring her that I am still here!

 

On the other hand if I tell her I want no contact with her aside for the kids I feel she is gonna get the impression I am still mad about things and know I still care or have feelings for her and I dont want her to know that...

 

Again on the other hand the way things are now I feel like by not saying anything just allows her to have the seperataion she wants and still be friendly with me which is the best of both worlds...

 

I dont want to give her the satisfaction of knowing I still care about her by telling her I want no contact except for the kids but I feel like she needs to know that she cant have the best of both worlds either and that I am not interested in being friends with her...I feel like if I continue to be friendly with her and not say anything there is nothing for her to lose...

 

Dont get me wrong, Its been nearly three years now and there is a good chance we are done forever but I am looking for the best way to stand as a man here...

Should I just be respectful and cut the conversations short like I have or just tell her I no longer want communication unless its something important about our kids?

 

Thanks guys!

[whichwayisup]

I think if you two can have a good co parenting style and get along it's great for your kids. They will feel loved and secure by both of you getting along and not hating on one another. In the long run their lives will be better because they'll see their parents that are apart can still be on friendly terms.

 

Your marriage is over, you both know it and really, once the bad and yucky feelings have disappeared, there's no reason why you two can't be genuine and caring towards each other as co parents. There's always gonna be a bond between you two because of your children.

 

Though with that said, there has to be boundaries. Too much contact isn't good overall because each of you are living separate lives so there's a difference in being friendly and being friends. Whatever you can handle is the way to go.

[NopeNah]

3 years= If it has nothing to do with the kids....DONT!

[Ronni_W]

Your physical and financial health, and your general well-being ARE about the long-term health, welfare and general well-being of your kids.

Her caring about that stuff, is her caring about her/your kids...I guess we could say, from a 'higher level' and over the longer-term than just practical, day-to-day stuff.

At least, that's one way to look at it.

 

Incidents like what you've posted about, I can't think of a way to tell her to stop, that doesn't make you come across as petty and unmanly...and will let the cat out of the bag that you still care about her, which, as you said, you don't want to "give her the satisfaction" of knowing.

 

And which, of course, is the real (underlying) problem of why even her perfectly innocent actions that also show personal caring towards you can get under your skin. More time, I suppose; or even getting professional help if that'll help to get it over, sooner.

In the meantime, keep doing what you've been doing with her...taking the high road. As difficult as that can be, the view is still better from up there.

 

Hugs and best.

[DivorcedDad123]

Just don't respond,unless it's about the kids. She'll get the hint.

You can't stop her from contacting you,but you can control how much you engage with her.

[No Limit]

Quit responding or respond at your own time. Like, sometime in the evening or while going to work only, and only with short, dismissive messages when it doesn't concern the kids.

 

And don't trouble yourself with "ohh but what if she thinks I still care about her" blah blah. Who cares what she thinks? Chances are she'll just have a hurt little ego because she's being ignored, but that doesn't concern you either.

[M30USA]

Quit responding or respond at your own time. Like, sometime in the evening or while going to work only, and only with short, dismissive messages when it doesn't concern the kids.

 

And don't trouble yourself with "ohh but what if she thinks I still care about her" blah blah. Who cares what she thinks? Chances are she'll just have a hurt little ego because she's being ignored, but that doesn't concern you either.

 

Did she care about you this much when you WERE married?

[toolforgrowth]

Did she care about you this much when you WERE married?

 

This right here.

 

My xWW pulls the same crap. About a month ago she asked me if I wanted to go with her to our daughter's parent teacher conference. I definitely wanted to go, just not with her. I called the school, spoke with daughter's teacher, and set up my own conference. I politely declined going with my ex wife.

 

Her response?

 

"OK. I know you'd prefer to never have to see me again but I doubt all teachers will be so accommodating in the future. You may have to get past your aversion to me for Daughter's sake at some point. I don't want to fight with you, I just think it's a little silly to hate me so much that we can't be in the same room for 20 minutes.. ?"

 

I flat out ignored that. How it makes her feel is none of my business. The funny thing is, in spite of me ignoring her and not caring, she's actually being EVEN NICER lately as a result. Go fig.

 

Not trying thread jack. The point is, we don't know why they behave this way, and how our actions make them feel is their problem. I divorced her, and I behave as such.

[idoltree]

On the other hand if I tell her I want no contact with her aside for the kids I feel she is gonna get the impression I am still mad about things and know I still care or have feelings for her and I dont want her to know that...

 

Again on the other hand the way things are now I feel like by not saying anything just allows her to have the seperataion she wants and still be friendly with me which is the best of both worlds...

 

I dont want to give her the satisfaction of knowing I still care about her by telling her I want no contact except for the kids but I feel like she needs to know that she cant have the best of both worlds either and that I am not interested in being friends with her...I feel like if I continue to be friendly with her and not say anything there is nothing for her to lose...

The easiest way to do this and maintain your power is to go NC on everything but needed topics about the kids. You don't have to give her notice about this.

 

When she sends something off topic, here's what you do:

 

• Hospital text: "Thanks. I'm not in the hospital and there will be no changes to visitation with [kid]." (Responding, but only giving her the "need to know" information, which is that you are not in hospital and able to see your kids)
  
• Follow up with advice on getting better: no response from you. This has nothing to do with the kids, therefore no response.
  
• Sending the trading site: no response from you/
  

In this way, you will slowly train her, if you will, to refocus only on kid discussions.

 

There is a chance she may confront you and say "Why didn't you respond?" At that point you could say something short and unemotional, like "I only want to discuss needed parenting matters." If she sends something emotion in response, ignore it and don't respond.

[darkmoon]

i think she knows perfectly well that she is seeking attention, her partner gets to know you and her are friends, and you get to she and her partner are she are still involved, i think she knows she is pushing boundaries, a bit

 

just stick to the kids' stuff, if she starts on other things, ebay or whatnot, do not respond, it is more dignified for you to quietly decide to keep these convos to the minimum, to be cool and firm

Edited December 18, 2014 by darkmoon

[stillafool]

Defintitely don't give her the time of day unless it is about the kids. This will burn her arse. Don't let her in to find out your personal business. Do you have a new gf yet?

[aMguilts]

I think if you two can have a good co parenting style and get along it's great for your kids. They will feel loved and secure by both of you getting along and not hating on one another. In the long run their lives will be better because they'll see their parents that are apart can still be on friendly terms.

 

Your marriage is over, you both know it and really, once the bad and yucky feelings have disappeared, there's no reason why you two can't be genuine and caring towards each other as co parents. There's always gonna be a bond between you two because of your children.

 

Though with that said, there has to be boundaries. Too much contact isn't good overall because each of you are living separate lives so there's a difference in being friendly and being friends. Whatever you can handle is the way to go.

 

hi hurts

glad to see your doing SO much better than wayyyyyy back

i agree with whichway

theres nothing wrong in caring about someone.

and i take it you 2 ARE at a place where you both be adult about

everything.?

so carry on being nice

dont read anything into her texts or calls

 

good to see your still around:cool:

[aliveagain]

This will stop once you finalize your divorce. What is holding you back from finalizing the divorce? Surely you wouldn't take her back after she's been some other guys plaything for three years? Have you moved on(is there a woman in your life) or are you still her back up? You will never ever get over this even if you have grown to accept it. Time to really move on, as long as your legally married to her you will never meet the one destined to be in your life.

[Day.One]

I think if you two can have a good co parenting style and get along it's great for your kids. They will feel loved and secure by both of you getting along and not hating on one another. In the long run their lives will be better because they'll see their parents that are apart can still be on friendly terms.

 

Your marriage is over, you both know it and really, once the bad and yucky feelings have disappeared, there's no reason why you two can't be genuine and caring towards each other as co parents. There's always gonna be a bond between you two because of your children.

 

Though with that said, there has to be boundaries. Too much contact isn't good overall because each of you are living separate lives so there's a difference in being friendly and being friends. Whatever you can handle is the way to go.

 

This would be my response. There's not reason to shut her down. She hadn't done anything 'bad' during the marriage (from what you've said), so no real need for you to treat her badly or look for some sort of misplaced 'payback'. You guys seems to be 'over it', treat each other respectfully, and yet still friendly enough. No harm in being friends, imo.

[BlueIris]

If you text the kids that you’re going into the hospital, it involves the kids and it affects her parenting time and schedule. So that is about the kids and it certainly could affect her as well.

 

I see her texting you something related to your business as innocuous, too. After our divorce, the company my exH was working for was in trouble and he was incredibly stressed about his future. I happened to see a recruiting ad for people with his credentials so I gave it to him. It was just a courtesy I would have extended to anyone I knew. Of course I want my kids' dad to thrive and be happy. I think your response was perfect.

 

The “give her the satisfaction” thinking does sound like you’re still in an oppositional, bruised-ego mode. You two aren’t in competition. Now you’re in that weird, polite, courteous, sort-of-family (shared children), type of situation that divorced co-parents have.

 

One day you’ll be at your kids’ graduations and weddings and you’re not going to want tension and resentment to spoil it for you, for your ex, and especially for your kids. That’s the prize to keep your eye on.

[jackslife]

I think tone is important here. I disagree with a lot of the posters here about being brusque, short and dismissive. The fact you have sorted your separation and child issues out without lawyers is to be highly commended to both of you.

 

I think any responses should be polite and courteous. If you think she has over stepped any boundaries you may have then at some point when you see her just talk about it. You've clearly worked stuff out well between you so far. Don't ruin that by going all hard ball and brutish now.

[hurts_so_bad]

Hey Guys thanks for all the replies and to answer most of the questions here goes...No at this point I am still not divorced with my ex..We are still legally seperated and there is good reason..

 

My ex has a **** job and I have a very good job...My medical benefits are incredible! My ex and I had three children and my ex went threw two open heart surgeries never paying a dime...

 

Being her job is **** she has no benefits and she desperately needs mine for routine check ups, maintance drugs for her heart etc...If I divorce her she can no longer use my benefits..So I havent pushed for the divorce so that she can still use them..By doing this, It benefits me as well! With my salary for three kids I would be responsible for paying her 29% of my GROSS salary which would be approx $2300 a month!

 

When we went to my lawyer for our legal seperation we agreed that I would pay her $760 a month..She took this amount because she wanted to be fair and didnt want to see me lose the house which is totally mine NOT hers...In other words she isnt killing me when she could be..So I dont want to rock the boat pushing for something that might ultimately hurt me in the long run.. if I piss her off by taking her medical benefits away she may very well push for more money.. Besides Im never getting married again anyway so it doesnt matter..To much risk but thats a different convo!

 

To be honest with you, Even if she was a bitch I probably still wouldnt take the benefits from her anyway..I may not like her but I wouldnt want to see anything bad happen to her..Like I said she was a good wife and mother..I made plenty of mistakes for her to leave me..Trust me when I tell you! It wasnt not be attentive enough and BS excuses like that! It was for legit reasons..The way she left wasnt the right way and Im pissed at her for that but not pissed enough to jeapordize her life..

 

As for finding someone else, Yes I have found plenty but still not the right one..I am dating someone now but I find it hard to find someone that I am extremely attracted to..Call it shallow but I need to have someone I am very physically attracted to..The girls I have met I havent been extremely attracted to and Im not very physically attracted to the girl Im with now. So in that area of my life I am still not 100% happy..

 

Why be with her you ask? For a few reasons...

1..People always tell me to give it a chance and see if something grows..I never did with any of the girls prior so I figured why not try and see..

2. My family sucks and in the mist of all my **** during the break up it seemed my friends were flaky as well..I was very alone and Im not the type that likes to be alone.. It was really hard the past few years.

3. It makes me feel good to have someone there for me..

 

I appreciate all your responses and I kind of knew I was going to get mixed views.. Im still not sure of the best path yet on what to do if she calls or texts..

Obviously if its about the kids I will always answer but if its just regular chit chat there are two paths both with good and bad points..

 

1. Talk to her but keep it calm cool and short which is being respectful not showing her anything but may still make her feel she has a hold on me just because I answered her to begin with

 

2. Not answer her at all which will send a message that I am not here for you as a friend but at the same time may send off a message that Im pissed off because I still care..

 

Thats one thing I have learned (It doesnt get me very far but I have learned it) Is that there is no definite right or wrong answer when it comes to dealing with people...

 

 

In one post someone mentioned that they havent answered their wife and she seems to have been nicer since...After the past three years Ive learned a lot and I can tell you that with alot of people, Once you no longer put ANYONE on a pedestal and start limiting what you give them by what they have earned, People respect you more and they start seeking your approval instead of the other way around...

 

I call it the little brother sydrome...I never had a little brother but I had friends that did..One of my friends little brother used to follow him and us around all the time like a lost puppy dog..He looked up to my friend and was always seeking his attention and approval...What he got for it was a kick in his ass by his older brother telling him to go home.. This happened all the time..

 

A few years later my friend pulled the same crap but this time his brother had enough grew some balls and belted him in the eye giving him a black eye telling him to go F himself.. You know after that my friend respected his brother and started talking good about his brother..

 

The little brother took his power back by no longer taking his big brothers **** and the tables turned...

[Ronni_W]

1. Talk to her but keep it calm cool and short which is being respectful not showing her anything but may still make her feel she has a hold on me just because I answered her to begin with

 

2. Not answer her at all which will send a message that I am not here for you as a friend but at the same time may send off a message that Im pissed off because I still care..

Perhaps. For medium-important stuff, respond to her...but just not immediately. Depending on what it is, leave it a day or two.

For the stuff that you feel non-essential or trivial, you don't really have to respond at all...or maybe, a few days later. If she happens to ask in the meantime, just say something like, "Oh yeah...I was gonna mention that; didn't seem like it warranted its own response. But I do appreciate the interest, thanks."

 

Basically, change what you've been doing/how you've been doing it...and keep changing it until it works for you.

[hurts_so_bad]

bump bump bump bump

[hurts_so_bad]

Merry Christmas guys!

 

Just wanted to update you guys and give you a little taste of whats been going on...Its been probably no more then 1-2 weeks since we broke up nearly 3 years ago that she hasnt contacted me..To be honest most are about the kids but there are some that are like this..

 

Tuesday while Im at work I get this text...

 

"Are you having dinner for the kids Christmas eve?"

 

My answer..Yes why do you ask?

 

Her...Im just trying to figure everything out FML (fk my life) lol

 

Her...I feel like the grinch lol...

 

Me..Oh ok, Yeah we are probably gonna have Lasnga or zitti

 

Her..ok they will like that

 

Me..No answer

 

This is what I mean! What the hell does that all mean? Maybe Im reading things wrong but when a women that I had a relationship with contacts me in such a way it leads me to believe there is something else going on in her mind.. Im confused on how to handle this..Am I handling it properly?

 

I feel like I am but sometimes I feel like just answering her at all is letting her know that I am happy with the situation and Im cool being friends, or that I am still there for her which is the last thing I want her to believe..

 

The way out of that is to tell her No more contact other then the kids in which it still puts off a vibe that I care..Its like a no win situation either way you go!

 

Your thoughts

[DSP]

Merry Christmas guys!

 

"Are you having dinner for the kids Christmas eve?"

 

My answer..Yes why do you ask?

 

Her...Im just trying to figure everything out FML (fk my life) lol

 

Her...I feel like the grinch lol...

 

Me..Oh ok, Yeah we are probably gonna have Lasnga or zitti

 

Her..ok they will like that

 

Me..No answer

 

Your thoughts

 

You know I was in the same ball park as others who were saying that it would be OK to respond and she cares for the safety and well being of the father of her children if only for the childrens sake. It's been three years and she seems to be moving forward and wants to have the odd co parent / we don't hate each other relationship.

 

Odd how this text exchange was exactly like one of mine with my Ex sent when trying to figure out the schedule for the holidays. I am pretty much blind with hurt and rage so it wasn't hard for me to just ignore her and shut off my phone. I'd rather feel a cheese grater raked across my face than see the smiley face emoticons for some odd reason.

 

I cannot tell if she is hoovering you or just wants to be your friend now. Either way you don't seem to be in a position to be strong enough for either of these. You may never be.

 

After reading this though... I would think you need to reset the boundaries.

 

You lead on too much when you first responded. You could have responded with a simple Yes or not to sound curt maybe a Yup, yeah or even; That's the plan at this time.

 

No need to ask questions. If she had a concern she would voice it soon enough.

 

She doesn't need to know what you will be having for dinner. You are involving her in your life at your house in your kitchen.

 

She didn't need to tell you she was stressed in trying to arrange her life, but that is none of our concern at this point.

 

I am making a broad generalization here, but it seems most women do not understand what friendship means to men. We view friendship on a different level than women do. Especially when it comes to the opposite sex.

 

Maybe she has forgave you for your transgressions and honestly just wants to be friends now. You have some redeeming qualities about you that she might not find necessarily attractive, but just thankful for. You pass those qualities to her children and you stated she is a good mother so it has to have crossed her mind at some point about the qualities you pass onto them and how you raise them. Like the ability to keep her on your insurance. That is actually very commendable and I am impressed with that one myself.

 

Regardless of any intentions perceived or otherwise it would be best for you to keep limited contact and no more open ended questions that only prolong your confusion. Short, polite and to the point would be best for your sanity it would seem.

[LifeNomad]

Merry Christmas guys!

 

Just wanted to update you guys and give you a little taste of whats been going on...Its been probably no more then 1-2 weeks since we broke up nearly 3 years ago that she hasnt contacted me..To be honest most are about the kids but there are some that are like this..

 

Tuesday while Im at work I get this text...

 

"Are you having dinner for the kids Christmas eve?"

 

My answer..Yes why do you ask?

 

Her...Im just trying to figure everything out FML (fk my life) lol

 

Her...I feel like the grinch lol...

 

Me..Oh ok, Yeah we are probably gonna have Lasnga or zitti

 

Her..ok they will like that

 

Me..No answer

 

This is what I mean! What the hell does that all mean? Maybe Im reading things wrong but when a women that I had a relationship with contacts me in such a way it leads me to believe there is something else going on in her mind.. Im confused on how to handle this..Am I handling it properly?

 

I feel like I am but sometimes I feel like just answering her at all is letting her know that I am happy with the situation and Im cool being friends, or that I am still there for her which is the last thing I want her to believe..

 

The way out of that is to tell her No more contact other then the kids in which it still puts off a vibe that I care..Its like a no win situation either way you go!

 

Your thoughts

 

hard to say man nobody will really know unless you flat out ask her but even then she might not be honest.

 

 

when I picked up my kids a few days ago one of them came with 3 gift boxes and no label, I told my kid to open one to see what it was maybe it was a gift for my nephew (from my side of fam) or idk what, anyways she opened it and it was a t shirt from a movie I love, I liked it, I mean I loved it, but I couldn't take it, I didn't even open the other 2 boxes and after I dropped off my kids I texted her that I don't need anything or want anything and I hope she can still return them, she texted back and seemed upset but said something along the lines of "whatever they weren't from me they were from the kids, ill give them away it doesn't matter to me"

 

 

the thing is my kids have no clue I like that movie and I just know she thought of me when she saw them, and i felt just like you do, why did she buy me that, if she left me, it confused me, i cried a bit, i wanna tell her so many things, i wanna have a real heart to heart talk with her, but i probably couldn't trust her or believe her anyways.

[road]

 

Tuesday while Im at work I get this text...

 

"Are you having dinner for the kids Christmas eve?"

 

My answer: Yes.

 

This is what I mean! What the hell does that all mean?

 

 

 

First mistake I corrected for you: Your answer was to long and opened the door for her to have a conversation with you when you do not want to have one with her.

 

 

As to what does she mean. She is acting out of guilt, using the façade of being civil because of the kids, she is fishing, are all possible answers.

 

 

You want to know then find out. You do not to know then take steps to not find out.

[SuperGeek]

What if you lose your job and your benefits? Do you think she's going to hesitate for one second not to call the lawyer and file that divorce?

 

Still remaining married to her means all your future earnings will be taken into account later in a divorce and she can file that divorce at any time. If you end up making more money later on, she's entitled to 50% of that. What if her current squeeze dumps her and that $700 you pay her monthly isn't enough, she can file that divorce immediately and make your life very difficult. Any investment you want to make financially, she will be entitled to 50% of the profits.

 

What if you end up meeting a really awesome girl down the road and want to get married to her? You won't be able to because you're still married. How many women want to get involved on any level with a man that is already married? Very few.

 

I understand that you feel you weren't the best guy to your wife, but by staying married to her, you could be potentially setting yourself up for even more financial losses later and limited options for future relationships.

 

Just playing devil's advocate here.

 

SuperGeek

 

Hey Guys thanks for all the replies and to answer most of the questions here goes...No at this point I am still not divorced with my ex..We are still legally seperated and there is good reason..

 

My ex has a **** job and I have a very good job...My medical benefits are incredible! My ex and I had three children and my ex went threw two open heart surgeries never paying a dime...

 

Being her job is **** she has no benefits and she desperately needs mine for routine check ups, maintance drugs for her heart etc...If I divorce her she can no longer use my benefits..So I havent pushed for the divorce so that she can still use them..By doing this, It benefits me as well! With my salary for three kids I would be responsible for paying her 29% of my GROSS salary which would be approx $2300 a month!

Edited December 26, 2014 by SuperGeek

[GirlStillStrong]

Hey guys I havent been on in a while..Some of you out there know my story but for the others that dont I will give a quick summary..

 

I was married 17 years and have three kids with my ex...She was a good mom and wife but I was a lose cannon..I dont want to get to far into it but I wasnt the best husband or father..I drank and got in trouble a few times drinking and driving which caused many problems but I was a good provider and always took care of my kids and household finacially..

 

Early 2012 I got the Im not in love with you anymore speech so we seperated..It wasnt long after that I found out she started dating someone from her job...Its going on 3 years now and although I have cleared my head from a lot of confusion and hurt I still at times do not know how to deal with her..

 

Everyone says no contact but as anyone with kids would know thats impossible!

She hasnt been a bitch with me and is very good with me as far a child support and I see the kids all the time...No courts have been involved at all aside for when I had to get a lawyer for our legal seperation...

 

All is basically well but I still get in my head sometimes on how to deal with her..I believe in always trying to treat people in a respectful manner but the extent of what I give is limited to what has been earned..

 

So I am always respectful to her when she calls or texts regarding the kids..

 

BUt sometimes she texts about stuff that is not about the kids..

 

About a month or so ago I was sick and almost checked myself into the hospital with a very bad cold...So I text my son who lives with me to tell him that I might check myself into the hospital and may not be home..I didnt check myself in to the hospital so I came home.

 

He must have mentioned something to my ex because the next day she was texting me asking how I was feeling and that she heard I was in the hospital..I told her I was fwwling a little better and decided not to check myself into the hospital. She in turn said oh ok and contnued to tell me things I should do to get rid of the bad chest cold I had..I said I will and thanks..

 

Maybe a week later I get a text out of nowhere with a link to check out a trading site..I have a small side business on ebay buying and selling things and this was a trading site that she thought may be of interest to me..Again I said thank you, I will check it out...

 

Thats what confuses me! Why is she bothering aside for the kids? She has a boyfriend with pics on facebook and the whole nine! I think the way I am handling things is the correct way just being respectful and cutting it short but I sometimes feel that everytime I answer her I am in some small way reassuring her that I am still here!

 

On the other hand if I tell her I want no contact with her aside for the kids I feel she is gonna get the impression I am still mad about things and know I still care or have feelings for her and I dont want her to know that...

 

Again on the other hand the way things are now I feel like by not saying anything just allows her to have the seperataion she wants and still be friendly with me which is the best of both worlds...

 

I dont want to give her the satisfaction of knowing I still care about her by telling her I want no contact except for the kids but I feel like she needs to know that she cant have the best of both worlds either and that I am not interested in being friends with her...I feel like if I continue to be friendly with her and not say anything there is nothing for her to lose...

 

Dont get me wrong, Its been nearly three years now and there is a good chance we are done forever but I am looking for the best way to stand as a man here...

Should I just be respectful and cut the conversations short like I have or just tell her I no longer want communication unless its something important about our kids?

 

Thanks guys!

I haven't read the whole thread but just reading your post sounds like you are stuck in a weird, maybe unhealthy dynamic with her. It seems to be you are trying to read her and anticipate her next move, and strategize what you say and do, in order to try to control the situation. It's unauthentic. Have you gotten sober? You may want to start there, instead of trying to control outcomes.