Need guidance with a girl asking for a break?

[Raddy]

Hi everyone,

 

I met my girlfriend 2 years ago on a travel trip. all was just a bit of fun at the start as she flew to see me a couple of times while we were traveling. I returned home and she was working on a boat travelling around. We met up again and instantly connected with strong feelings and over the course of a couple of months decided to make it something more serious.

 

Its been 9 months now and I gotta say its been tough on us as we have only been able to see each other every couple of months given the boat being in full use and her not getting time off. When we do get to see each other i have usually flown to where the boat is placed (about 5 flights now in 9 months) as it's normally in a better location to get out and have some fun.

 

I've treated her well and fairly in the sense i've been understanding of the situation and we've spoken everyday mainly by text and photo's but also given her the space by short convo's when either of us have been busy.

 

So it's come to a point where she arrived with the boat in my home town for 3 and a half weeks and was given no time off except for one day while she was here. This is when things came to a bit of a breakdown where basically we sent some emails as her phone speaker had broken while at seas explaining how it was getting too hard. She said she was awake at night wondering if she should leave the boat or whether we should take a break or more of a casual relationship for 3 months time when she would leave and we could work out what to do. She said that i had every quality and every value that she'd ever wanted in a man and she wanted to be with me so damd bad but it was just so damb hard.

 

So I agreed we'd take a break as the better option. It was a week after we hadn't spoken she had flights booked to go back to her home for a friends wedding. She messaged me in a fairly flat way saying how big of year its been for her and how she's so exhausted and needed time to herself in which case i asked her what she wanted out of this break - Does she not want to talk, how long did she think was needed?

 

She responded with "I just don't know babe. I'm so confused right now and really need this time at home to just relax and work things out" "Its been one hell of a year for me and i need to be with my family and friends"

 

The text convo wen't on where i basically said we'd been through a lot and that i'd done a lot of travelling to see her in tough times. "She said she understands and is so so sorry but just needs the time back home and for me to just live life, be happy and do your thing" I said i've always lived my life just wanted to know where i stand with this break. I slipped a little and told her how there's a lot of chicks out there that would kill for what i've done. "She said. I knoooooow!"

 

When she landed she texted saying she'd been such and arsehole, selfish and unfair but she's so confused at the minute. I replied with "I get it and the situation, just don't treat me like a stranger or i'll be one" and then told her about some festivals that i'm going to, to relax the convo.

 

She replied saying when she gets gets back she'll try organise to see me etc. I left it at that and 3 days later she messaged me saying "i've been really busy catching up with friends and family etc. Hope all is good back where you are"

 

That was on Saturday and its now Thursday. I haven't messaged back as i'm confused as we've taken this more friends approach i'm not used to. Also i've read articles saying as soon as a break comes into place do the whole no contact for a while so she doesn't think i'm being needy but more so respecting her decision and giving her space.

 

My question is do I keep in contact and keep things cool by responding? or do I give her the NO CONTACT as i'm doing now and let her figure out her confused state she talks of? After all she's been busy and catching up with friends so not sure she's actually thought too much yet.

 

Please some advice here would be greatly appreciated

Edited December 18, 2014 by Raddy

[Dallers]

No contact, walk away and do not play her games. She expects you to and it will result in the opposite by doing so. Always do the opposite of what you think is best.

 

Chasing after something that evades you causes it to just evade faster. Turn around and walk in the other direction and she will stop and look back to see why you are not chasing. After a while she begins to question her decision and become frustrated trying to find out why you have not come back to her...she panics and chases back after you.

 

When she does continue to ignore. Do not go back on the first attempt make her work for it.

 

Turn the tables. Make her understand what she has lost. Destroy the drama she created.

[Raddy]

Thanks Dallers,

 

This really helps. It just frustrates the hell out of me that I can take 5 flights to see her at the only time she had off. Not as convenient for me as I run a business and would consider myself quiet alpha male in that i make decisions, keep myself busy, go to the gym, have loads of contacts and enjoy a good social life and have traveled the world. Her boss also flew me to where the boat was to surprise her for a weekend and I hand made a gift to give her. I brought all her crew b'day presents in the last 9 months and yet it still comes back to me being put in this situation.

 

At the moment she is still sending me several snap chats (generic that probably go to all her friends) a day and has commented and liked a few of the posts for my business Facebook page.

 

The future is that she would leave the boat in 3 months and we would spend time together but she said can't cope with the now as we can't see each other.

 

Fair call but very hard to take in when she's back home now partying it up big time will all her friends and family. I'm a pretty understanding guy but i'll strongly take your advice and she can run on my terms if she wants to come back.

 

Thanks

[Dallers]

Thanks Dallers,

 

This really helps. It just frustrates the hell out of me that I can take 5 flights to see her at the only time she had off. Not as convenient for me as I run a business and would consider myself quiet alpha male in that i make decisions, keep myself busy, go to the gym, have loads of contacts and enjoy a good social life and have traveled the world. Her boss also flew me to where the boat was to surprise her for a weekend and I hand made a gift to give her. I brought all her crew b'day presents in the last 9 months and yet it still comes back to me being put in this situation.

 

At the moment she is still sending me several snap chats (generic that probably go to all her friends) a day and has commented and liked a few of the posts for my business Facebook page.

 

The future is that she would leave the boat in 3 months and we would spend time together but she said can't cope with the now as we can't see each other.

 

Fair call but very hard to take in when she's back home now partying it up big time will all her friends and family. I'm a pretty understanding guy but i'll strongly take your advice and she can run on my terms if she wants to come back.

 

Thanks

 

If you have all of that in your life and worked to achieve then you should not even be giving this girl a second thought. Your life always comes first no matter what. I used to question things but now I can move on in a matter of days instead of months once a girl throws me away and I do not even consider a second chance when they do come back. You need to reach that point as well as you are clearly thinking about her when you don't need to.

 

Learn to control your thoughts and to understand what fixates you to this girl and then analyse the good and bad points and make a decision based on fact not what your brain/genitals are telling you. I use my ability as an analyst to my advantage and if only men would stop and consider what is right in front of them they would walk away and two weeks later think, "wow what a horrible girl she was, what was I thinking!!" lol men waste countless hours chasing after girls that are complete losers just because they got a whiff of the tail and kept on chasing without opening their eyes.

 

If this girl is worth your time as above play her back at her own game. If she comes keeps coming back and chasing then enjoy the ego boost if she stops then she wasn't interested and just looking for attention.

Edited December 18, 2014 by Dallers

[Raddy]

yeah i'm hearing you. Its the time invested and the awesome times we've had in the past, festivals, travels, partying and friends that's the hard part to accept that its drifted away.

 

And the words in emails that come through are. "you are everything I have ever wanted in a man and exceed all of my expectation. I want our journey to continue. Our lives make so such sense together" "Our story so far has been so outrageous and i'd like that to continue being written" You can start to see how it f...ks with your head now she's on a break acting like i'm a stranger 1 weeks after writing this.

 

Hard to think how someone's emotions can be so there and yet not. I guess actions speak louder than words.

 

I've never stopped living my own life and always taken challenges head on. I guess that's why this has hit me as it's the reverse of whats normal. Its not a challenge anymore as the balls out of my court. Just need to wait and see if the "action" instead of "words" ever returns from her end. In the meantime i take your advice and will stick to no contact. if she wants me she can chase me and show me if those words is truly what she feels

Edited December 19, 2014 by Raddy

[lolablue17]

Why can't she leave the boat right now?

[justwhoiam]

I replied with "I get it and the situation, just don't treat me like a stranger or i'll be one"

That's worth more than a million words. You own it. Pure class will pay off. Just don't slip like you did (regarding chicks).

 

would consider myself quiet alpha male

It looks like it.

 

do I keep in contact and keep things cool by responding? or do I give her the NO CONTACT as i'm doing now and let her figure out her confused state she talks of? After all she's been busy and catching up with friends so not sure she's actually thought too much yet.

 

Please some advice here would be greatly appreciated

Being cold towards the woman you love is kind of cruel, I can tell you that it's something I can't bear, it kind of flips me out. So Dallers might be right. I usually am against playing games. So I say: just go on with your current behavior and see what happens.

[darkmoon]

i do not think she really knows what she is doing yet, as in she is quite young, so i have no doubt she is a romantic and the ups and downs she feels and likes to discuss are my signals, just watch for more confusing signals, better than no signals, srsly, have patience...my two cents

[Raddy]

Thanks for the replies

 

@lolablue17. She plans on leaving the boat in 3 months as that's when her contract is up.

 

@JustwhoIam. I'm not one for games either but don't want mixed reactions so i just haven't spoken a word. She sent me another message on Friday

 

"Hey babe - How are you? Having a good festive season? Hows is it seeing everyone that made it across from OS?"

 

I've been away enjoying myself for the weekend so didn't reply and not sure if I should. This is the second message she's sent me since she first got home and I haven't replied to either. I'd like to reply but in my mind i'm thinking no as i'm just not sure she's actually had enough times alone to still know what she's thinking. By adding "babe" to a sentence will just get my attention as that's how we used to speak.

 

@darkmoon she's 28. She's a bit of a romantic but can shut herself out from emotion very easily as she works on a boat. Meaning if you're happy then upset then angry on a boat you live no more than a few metres away from colleagues so she's learnt to keep her emotions to herself.

 

Thoughts on what I should do here? Just keep ignoring her?

Edited December 22, 2014 by Raddy

[justwhoiam]

Her third message should be coming. You can wait for it. Or you know, Christmas is in a few days. Text her on the night of the 24th to wish her Merry Christmas and that you hope she's fine.

[Raddy]

And there's the third

 

"Hellllooo......into my final week of being home. I go back to mum and dads for xmas and then fly back to the boat on Saturday. How things going back there? I am sure christmas is going to be fun for you guys."

 

I think i'm going crazy now because that's a message I would send to my friend and yet the message 2 days ago had emotion in it and was asking all about me?

 

Very confusing messages. How do you see this?

[justwhoiam]

How do you see this?

Pathetic.

 

It's something I would nicely send to someone I just got to know/met. Not a boyfriend.

 

Well, I guess you can answer now. Something like:

 

"Hi there. I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous new year. May beautiful moments surround you during this holiday season."

 

Then you sign it with your name.

[Raddy]

yeah you can see how pathetic it is after all we've been through.

 

Remember this is the girl that I flew 5 different cities for in 9 months. Been the most patient guy on the face of the earth to have to deal with her and the boat/job she's been doing. Now have 15 employee's in my business and growing world wide, keep fit, give her space, Work hard and don't bother her instead keeping things positive, as i say i see myself as an alpha male so for me its more about where the hell i stuffed up here.

 

She still sends me 3 to 4 snapchat's a day and it seems when she's around other people she throws this friends attitude like the message you see above and when she's not she throws her emotions into it. So confusing!

 

Its either i send her a message or keep ignoring her as i did say "treat me like a stranger and I'll be one"

Edited December 23, 2014 by Raddy

[justwhoiam]

So, did you write back?

[Satu]

yeah you can see how pathetic it is after all we've been through.

 

Remember this is the girl that I flew 5 different cities for in 9 months. Been the most patient guy on the face of the earth to have to deal with her and the boat/job she's been doing. Now have 15 employee's in my business and growing world wide, keep fit, give her space, Work hard and don't bother her instead keeping things positive, as i say i see myself as an alpha male so for me its more about where the hell i stuffed up here.

 

She still sends me 3 to 4 snapchat's a day and it seems when she's around other people she throws this friends attitude like the message you see above and when she's not she throws her emotions into it. So confusing!

 

Its either i send her a message or keep ignoring her as i did say "treat me like a stranger and I'll be one"

 

The only relationship you have is the relationship you have today.

 

If you're not happy with the content of your communications today, you're not happy in your relationship.

 

Think about that - it is significant.

[Raddy]

So, did you write back?

 

I wrote,

 

"Hi there. I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous new year. May beautiful moments surround you during the rest of your time with family and friends back home."

 

She writes back,

 

"How can you tell me to be normal and then write a message like that?"

 

Have i just upset her because i've put my messages on her level. Unreal isn't it. I did tell her to be normal and be herself. She's right! But i didn't tell her to to treat me with emotions one day and treat me like a complete stranger the next.

 

Thoughts?

[justwhoiam]

I wrote,

 

"Hi there. I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous new year. May beautiful moments surround you during the rest of your time with family and friends back home."

 

She writes back,

 

"How can you tell me to be normal and then write a message like that?"

You're the man!

 

Have i just upset her because i've put my messages on her level. Unreal isn't it.

It's OK as long as she does that, but it's quite typical, most women wouldn't take it well if done to them, aka being treated coldly by the man who claims to love them. Or the man they're in love with........... So, well, you achieved the desired effect.

 

Thoughts?

Did you leave it at that? Not replying her question? If so, I'd say: What? What's wrong with my message? Aren't we being friendly to each other? Did I say anything wrong?

 

And see what she says. I can't say you now have her by the b--ls, ha!, but you get the idea.

[Raddy]

Basically she sent me a massive message on xmas day saying how sorry she was for putting me through what she has in the last couple of months and that she'd call me when she returns.

 

I said merry xmas and hope you have a great day with family and friends but wen't no further in accepting her apology as i didn't really know what it ment for me.

 

Anyway she's now returned and tried calling me. I left it a day and said i'd been busy with friends for a few days where she said let me know when you're free.

 

New yrs came and she messaged saying. "Glad you're having fun hun""And then one at midnight saying "Happy New Yrs babe" I replied saying "Happy New Year"

 

She called today and I answered and I kept the convo short. She seemed pretty tired as it was late at night after she'd been working. I told her some the cool stuff i'd been doing with the business, friends and life just casually as I would anyone as she asked questions and she said how **** it was to be back at work and how her holiday was great. I didn't ask many many questions

 

She want's me to go to a festival with her and asked If i'd be near where she was any time soon with work etc. She said she's leaving the boat in 3 months and wants to do some courses overseas and then spend some time with her sister back home

 

Its just crazy how she can have this break. Come back and message me all the time with words like "hun" and "babe" and yet has these weird future plans that seem so odd. Is this trying to test me to see if I say what about us? Seems obvious although in the past she's always said things like this and then said that anything I say like this you should just know id want you to be involved or come as well. But this time is different because of what we're going through?

 

Honest opinion. Am i really better off just telling her exactly how it is, what i'm doing and moving on and then if she wants that she can come and get it?

Edited January 1, 2015 by Raddy

[oldshirt]

 

Honest opinion. Am i really better off just telling her exactly how it is, what i'm doing and moving on and then if she wants that she can come and get it?

 

She's a sailor with someone in every port of call. Actually she's not even putting in that much effort as you have been the one flying all over to see her.

 

 

Here's some general advice and not necessarily directed at this specific scenario. The woman that will end up being "the one" will be the one that follows you into your world and your reality.

 

 

This gal may be a good person and you may have hit it off well and had some fun times but you two are basically ships passing in the night (no pun intended).

 

 

she's living her life. And you are living yours. Your little snap chats and "heyhowyadoin?"s are where your lives intersect. There is no actual relationship in the true sense here. You are FWBs when it's convenient for her.

 

 

You've been polite and courteous in responding to her txts. that's fine, you're keeping a sailor entertained and giving her an ego boost while she's out watching waves. ....It's just not leading to anything.

 

 

you can be polite and respectful to her but put yourself back on the market and keep your eyes open. There are other women out there that are giving you the wink-wink - Open your eyes and you will see.

 

 

One of these days one of those women will make a valid request to enter into your world. Take her up on it.

[justwhoiam]

I don't know if she's a sailor with someone in every port of call... but oldshirt is dead right here:

 

The woman that will end up being "the one" will be the one that follows you into your world and your reality.

 

Now, what to do with her? I guess you don't feel like buying flights and then fly out to her when she's available just for some FWB situation. At this point, I think you need more. A woman really in love with you, who can go out of her way for you. Who adores you. So I agree with oldshirt's advice.

[elaine567]

So it's come to a point where she arrived with the boat in my home town for 3 and a half weeks and was given no time off except for one day while she was here. This is when things came to a bit of a breakdown where basically we sent some emails as her phone speaker had broken while at seas explaining how it was getting too hard. She said she was awake at night wondering if she should leave the boat or whether we should take a break or more of a casual relationship for 3 months time when she would leave and we could work out what to do. She said that i had every quality and every value that she'd ever wanted in a man and she wanted to be with me so damd bad but it was just so damb hard.

 

So I agreed we'd take a break as the better option. It was a week after we hadn't spoken she had flights booked to go back to her home for a friends wedding. She messaged me in a fairly flat way saying how big of year its been for her and how she's so exhausted and needed time to herself in which case i asked her what she wanted out of this break - Does she not want to talk, how long did she think was needed?

 

She responded with "I just don't know babe. I'm so confused right now and really need this time at home to just relax and work things out" "Its been one hell of a year for me and i need to be with my family and friends"

 

The text convo wen't on where i basically said we'd been through a lot and that i'd done a lot of travelling to see her in tough times. "She said she understands and is so so sorry but just needs the time back home and for me to just live life, be happy and do your thing" I said i've always lived my life just wanted to know where i stand with this break. I slipped a little and told her how there's a lot of chicks out there that would kill for what i've done. "She said. I knoooooow!"

 

When she landed she texted saying she'd been such and arsehole, selfish and unfair but she's so confused at the minute. I replied with "I get it and the situation, just don't treat me like a stranger or i'll be one" and then told her about some festivals that i'm going to, to relax the convo.

 

I think she wants to break up, but is finding it difficult to do, in reality.

If she really wanted this relationship, she would be doing her best to sort it, and not going home to "friends and family". If she was serious about you, she would have been there with you or arranged for you two to meet up over the holidays, as it is, you are merely texting.

 

Why is she "confused"?

Could it be she has another man on the scene and doesn't know which way to turn.

If I were you I would be moving on, there is nothing for you here.

[oldshirt]

Why is she "confused"?

Could it be she has another man on the scene and doesn't know which way to turn.

.

 

 

 

...and just for background information - women are never 'confused'. they always know exactly what they want and know exactly where they stand and where you stand.

 

 

When they say they are confused, it just means you aren't the one that's going to benefit from it and they haven't figured out how to break it to you yet.

[elaine567]

...and just for background information - women are never 'confused'. they always know exactly what they want and know exactly where they stand and where you stand.

 

 

When they say they are confused, it just means you aren't the one that's going to benefit from it and they haven't figured out how to break it to you yet.

 

I know.

*nods sagely*

[Raddy]

Thanks for the replies everyone,

 

This whole situation is quiet a unique story. I take all of your points about the girl that is right will fit into my journey.

 

The thing that gets me about this journey is we haven't been given the real opportunity and that's what i'm really after. She had flights booked home and then her boss told her to extend it and paid for her to fly back into another city where the boat was so I can't blame her for that as she hadn't spent xmas with her family in 6 years.

 

I may be completely wrong but what my thoughts here are when she's said "You are everything I want in a man and our lives make so much sense together" but she knows the timing is just completely out and there's nothing she can do until she leaves the boat in 3 months as she gets no time off to be able to fly to see me. Its really one day here and there.

 

I guess it also hard for everyone to understand the boating industry and that side of things as it's brutal work at high pay. (just being un-bias to the situation)

 

I think after all the advice i've been given above i'm just going to call her. It's been 4 days since our last chat, i'll Keep things cool and get the honest answers. I'd prefer to close a chapter and move on if that's the case rather than have constant doubts.

 

If she says she still has feeling i'll tell her I can't go on with the relationship only being convenient when the times right for her. There needs to be a plan that's right for both of us.

 

And if she doesn't have feeling any more then yeah it'll probably break me but at least then i have closure and be able to move on.

Edited January 3, 2015 by Raddy

[Raddy]

Gave her a call today.

 

Had a good chat where she was laughing and it was like old times...I then asked her what the break had done for her and what she wants to do in a few months when she leaves.

 

She said she has a few plans for going back home later in the year for some family things and also wanted to do some classes over seas for a couple of weeks that she's always wanted to do and other than that she wasn't sure.

 

I then asked what she thought about us and if she still had feeling there? She said she does but knows that a relationship cannot work while she's on the boat with long distance and having no time to see each other. She's putting in her resignation in the next couple of weeks. She then paused and asked what I was doing and I told her I'm moving to the city in 2 -3 months which I had planed. She said in 3 months she'd be happy to come down and see me when there's more time to make things work.

 

I left it at that and pushed onto another topic. She's not really one to express emotion so I wasn't expected yes I miss you or something like that so I figured that was enough for one day. I won't bother her for a few days now and keep it cool in respecting the friends zone. I'll wait till she puts in the resignation and then ask her more about it.

 

I think there was enough to know a little more about where I stand despite things not being crystal clear. In saying that with everything that's gone on in this last year I certainly won't be putting my life on hold if something else is to arise in the next few months.

Edited January 4, 2015 by Raddy