Question to MM/MW whose AP is also married

[Blu72]

I have a question to pose to any MM/MW whose AP is also married. How long did it take before you explored the emotional/feelings aspect of the affair if it started out as a physical affair? And I would specifically like to hear the MMs point of view and their take on having the 'feelings' convo with your married AP.

[prettyeyes87]

Well Idk if this will be helpful to you because I am not married. But my exMM jumped right into his feelings with me, but our story is a little different in that he already had feelings for me 4 years prior when we were both single, he wanted to be with me and I wasn't ready and cut him off cold turkey. 4 years later we reconnected and let him tell it, he never stopped caring and all his feelings popped back up when I did. He tried to avoid me at first because he knew how qucikly we would fall back into a routine. Within a few weeks of talking and seeing each other he claimed to be "falling in love" with me again.

 

I am not sure how it works with affairs that start out strictly PA, because mine was mainly emotionall with some physical (no sex), all he did was spill guts on his "feelings". But that's neither here nor there as all those feelings lead to nothing but pain.

Edited December 18, 2014 by prettyeyes87

[Blu72]

Thank you for your response. So was there any initial push/pull 'elephant always in the room' feeling when it came to the feelings aspect. I guess I'm trying to understand that dynamic where some people seem to jump right into the feelings aspect, where in other relationships you know the feelings are there (or at least you think they are) but they aren't really discussed most likely due to fear,etc.

[Realist3]

Thank you for your response. So was there any initial push/pull 'elephant always in the room' feeling when it came to the feelings aspect. I guess I'm trying to understand that dynamic where some people seem to jump right into the feelings aspect, where in other relationships you know the feelings are there (or at least you think they are) but they aren't really discussed most likely due to fear,etc.

 

 

Mine started out emotional, and soon went PA(1 month). Neither of us were in this for just the sex. There had to be a strong emotional connection. We both realized/agreed that if we were going to have to be something special, not some easy lay. We both get hit on all the time, so the availability of sex was never the issue with us. Our relationship is centered around our emotional bond, and the sex is the icing on the cake.

[prettyeyes87]

Thank you for your response. So was there any initial push/pull 'elephant always in the room' feeling when it came to the feelings aspect. I guess I'm trying to understand that dynamic where some people seem to jump right into the feelings aspect, where in other relationships you know the feelings are there (or at least you think they are) but they aren't really discussed most likely due to fear,etc.

I think it really depends on that person. The push/pull effect actually came after I couldn't express the feelings he wanted me to express in return to his. He started playing games with me and doing little things to "get me back". He was hurt by it, ego bruised I am sure. He was never fearful to express his feelings to me but then again they had always been there since 4 years ago. I am a person who knows feelings are there but am fearful to admit to them or discuss them. To me emotions can be too complicated and stress me out...but for him, he jumped right in. I can't really explain why because i don't understand him anymore...

[prettyeyes87]

Mine started out emotional, and soon went PA(1 month). Neither of us were in this for just the sex. There had to be a strong emotional connection. We both realized/agreed that if we were going to have to be something special, not some easy lay. We both get hit on all the time, so the availability of sex was never the issue with us. Our relationship is centered around our emotional bond, and the sex is the icing on the cake.

I would say this applies to mine as well, but we didn't have sex.

[Blu72]

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate the feedback. Does anyone have any thoughts about the push/pull behavior in a MW/MM affair as it relates to the emotional aspect of the "relationship". Has anyone in this situation ever been the one who does the whole push/pull and if so can you explain your reasonings for this behavior?

[Ronnie33]

I'm a MW and have been in the affair for over a year. Whenever I have done the push it's because I am trying to keep my feelings in check, mainly when I feel myself getting to attached and or when the guilt hits me and I try to distance myself.

[Blu72]

I'm a MW and have been in the affair for over a year. Whenever I have done the push it's because I am trying to keep my feelings in check, mainly when I feel myself getting to attached and or when the guilt hits me and I try to distance myself.

 

Does your AP question the distance? And does he know why you do this? So basically you are trying to protect yourself from the feelings?

[Ronnie33]

My AP will say things like "are you busy? Or what are you doing?" But he knows why I do it and understands it but we always pull eachother back in. He's done it to and when he does I give him space. We have never said I love you to eachother but we don't have to. We were good friends for a year before the affair started and know how we feel about eachother.

Edited December 21, 2014 by Ronnie33

[Realist3]

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate the feedback. Does anyone have any thoughts about the push/pull behavior in a MW/MM affair as it relates to the emotional aspect of the "relationship". Has anyone in this situation ever been the one who does the whole push/pull and if so can you explain your reasonings for this behavior?

 

Yes, but I was not the one who did the push/pull thing it is the MW. She gets too caught up and pulls back. I made an effort to stop it, and that worked for awhile, until she just wanted to just let it fly. So, after that I just let her deal with how she copes with it, which includes hot and cold spots. I don't know if it qualifies as the precise definition of push/pull because I am never pushed away, just a cool down between hot sessions.

[Blu72]

How long do you both go distant with each other? And does it occur after something specific happens? Sorry for all the questions. I guess I'm trying to wrap my brain around this push/pull dynamic. Some will say this occurs because the AP is using you, while others think it's because the emotions are so raw that one needs to pull away for a bit because it's too intense.

[Ronnie33]

How long do you both go distant with each other? And does it occur after something specific happens? Sorry for all the questions. I guess I'm trying to wrap my brain around this push/pull dynamic. Some will say this occurs because the AP is using you, while others think it's because the emotions are so raw that one needs to pull away for a bit because it's too intense.

 

For me it is all emotional, it is a way of coping and also to try and distance myself to clear my head because I know we need to stop. We never stop speaking during it but the texting will be less for a few days and then we'll be right back in it.

[Realist3]

How long do you both go distant with each other? And does it occur after something specific happens? Sorry for all the questions. I guess I'm trying to wrap my brain around this push/pull dynamic. Some will say this occurs because the AP is using you, while others think it's because the emotions are so raw that one needs to pull away for a bit because it's too intense.

 

It never goes distant, just a pullback. After 5 years I can read her like a book. I know when it is going to happen before it happens. Exactly, it gets too intense and she pulls back.

[Blu72]

Yes, but I was not the one who did the push/pull thing it is the MW. She gets too caught up and pulls back. I made an effort to stop it, and that worked for awhile, until she just wanted to just let it fly. So, after that I just let her deal with how she copes with it, which includes hot and cold spots. I don't know if it qualifies as the precise definition of push/pull because I am never pushed away, just a cool down between hot sessions.

 

So in the beginning did you ever feel like it was something you were doing/saying wrong that made her go cold? Did you initially think she was pulling away to end it and just too scared to tell you? Did you ever have discussions with her on how that made you feel? From a woman's perspective when my MM does this (which he tends to do sometimes after being intimate with me), I tend to take it personally like there is something wrong with me. Which is stupid I know, but we don't talk about our "feelings" with one another so I'm always having to read him thru his actions. And boy when he does this at times it really is a low point for me. It never lasts too long, but long enough to drive me crazy in my head. He has told me I tend to do the same thing with him, but I always viewed it as me reacting to him.

[Ronnie33]

It never goes distant, just a pullback. After 5 years I can read her like a book. I know when it is going to happen before it happens. Exactly, it gets too intense and she pulls back.

 

This sounds just like us. He knows me so well that he knows exactly when it is coming. We never stop speaking, I just back off for a few days.

[Realist3]

So in the beginning did you ever feel like it was something you were doing/saying wrong that made her go cold? Did you initially think she was pulling away to end it and just too scared to tell you? Did you ever have discussions with her on how that made you feel? From a woman's perspective when my MM does this (which he tends to do sometimes after being intimate with me), I tend to take it personally like there is something wrong with me. Which is stupid I know, but we don't talk about our "feelings" with one another so I'm always having to read him thru his actions. And boy when he does this at times it really is a low point for me. It never lasts too long, but long enough to drive me crazy in my head. He has told me I tend to do the same thing with him, but I always viewed it as me reacting to him.

 

Maybe somewhat???? But not really.

 

I told her at one point I wasn't putting up with it anymore and she agreed. Then it became really too intense for both of us. So we reverted back to her method of dealing with it.

[Blu72]

He will go a little distant for a few weeks. We will still email each other but not nearly as consistent as usual. And the emails are short/quick/to the point. Then I get all nuts in my head over thinking it and then I respond with short emails back because I'm hurt and then the cycle starts and we will be like that for a week maybe two. For the most part, I let him do what he needs to do and don't bother him about it unless it goes on longer than I can stand. We had one instance over the summer where we were 'together' and it was pretty intense/amazing and right after he went AWOL on me for 3 weeks. Which he never has done before. When he finally contacted me, I asked him why and he said he felt I do the same thing at times and he apologized because I told him it made me feel like trash when he did that. He said he wouldn't do it again, and he hasn't. But he will still cut it back a bit after seeing me. I'm not sure why he does this because we don't discuss it.

[Sassy Girl]

This is interesting to read.

 

My MM isn't pulling back. The more intimate we become the more intense he becomes. I think I may be the one who may end up doing the push pull inadvertently, just to cool things down a bit. I really care about him, but I just don't want to get too carried away, if you know what I mean.

 

For the first time ever, last night he started complaining about his marriage. Shut that down real fast.

[Blu72]

I can't really explain it cause I don't understand it myself. But the more intimate we are the more intense the whole thing has become, but he will pull back a bit sometimes right after seeing me. I just wish he'd explain it to me, but I don't push because it is what it is I suppose. But it makes me all crazy in the head when he does it. And then when he is thru that part and we are back to normal I tend to pull back a bit to protect myself. It's a damn roller coaster.

[Realist3]

I can't really explain it cause I don't understand it myself. But the more intimate we are the more intense the whole thing has become, but he will pull back a bit sometimes right after seeing me. I just wish he'd explain it to me, but I don't push because it is what it is I suppose. But it makes me all crazy in the head when he does it. And then when he is thru that part and we are back to normal I tend to pull back a bit to protect myself. It's a damn roller coaster.

 

I forget how long it was after it started exactly... maybe two years, but I got so sick of it we had a big blowout. And she said it was the only way she could cope. We tried it my way, and it got so intense she she was ready to leave her husband. Then we reverted to her way, but with less dramatic swings. If we going out a few dates close enough together she is going to pull back a bit. I know it is coming. I just accept it now.

[Blu72]

I guess I always know too. We will see each other, I will get the contact right after being together (minutes/hour later) telling me how great it was to see me and we will banter back an forth about it. Then almost like clockwork, the next day or two I either won't hear from him or I get quick "check-in" emails. And then it will be "sorry my emails have been short, work has me crazy", etc. This goes on for a week or two and then it reverts back to the intensity it was before seeing me. I just always think I'm doing something wrong when I guess I know deep down I'm not it's just him and the situation. I can't tell you how many times I've gone over things in my head wondering what I did when it's just crazy. I think because we don't really discuss how we really feel emotionally about each other, that is what makes it difficult and why it bothers me so much.

[Realist3]

During our blowup we had a very honest discussion about it, she is just not very good at compartmentalizing, and that is how she deals with it.

[Blu72]

During our blowup we had a very honest discussion about it, she is just not very good at compartmentalizing, and that is how she deals with it.

 

I wish we could talk about it. We had a discussion about it back in July when he didn't contact me for 3 weeks. He was very sorry and genuinely didn't realize how upset I would be. And he hasn't done that since. But feeling him pull back after being with me hurts. I know it's probably a defense mechanism of his because he has always had walls up around him ever since I've known him. And I never push him for anything or get clingy so I don't believe he does it to cool me down or anything. But it's anyone's guess at this point. I know it's gonna come to blows soon though the next time because I'm not sure how much more I can take.

[Realist3]

3 weeks? That is a long time. We haven't gone more than a week on official breaks. What I am talking about is a pull back from emotion. Contact is always pretty much there.