Nattie Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 We had a don't ask don't tell type understanding for a while, but now that's history. He doesn't want anyone else touching me, period. Needless to say it's causing tremendous strain in my household. Not so much his, because his wife doesn't try to initiate sex hardly ever (he is convinced she has an OM as well, and their schedules don't allow for many opportunities) but for me, something has to give very soon. The double life takes a huge toll. Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 I can answer this one. And I can do it without a lecture:p. I asked xMM while we were involved how come he got jealous of other guys flirting with me but he knew I had sex with my husband. He told me it was because it was what it was. He knew going in that I was involved with my husband and that this was a side thing not the main course (his wife). It didn't mean we didn't care about each other. We were two very selfish and broken people doing a very selfish thing with each other. So in our broken way we still cared about one another. That being said, I have always wanted to have a fMf. In a fantasy sort of way I let it play out. It isn't because I don't love him but rather I am extremely sexual and have curiosities that don't match everyone's. But I know the realities of those situations and as my husband doesn't want one I keep it at a fantasy (much safer than that). sex doesn't not always equal love. And people can love more than one person at a time. You can't make a sweeping statement and expect it to stick to everyone because everyone is different. Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 By the time our affair got serious, I wasn't having sex with my husband anymore. My AP eventually said didn't want me to have sex with my husband anymore, but by the time he made that revelation I had already committed to myself that I wouldn't. The one time it did happen, I didn't initiate it and I said no, and I felt like trash afterwards and I swore never again. With him, I didn't want to know. I knew they weren't having sex, and if they did he'd tell me out of guilt. But I never asked, I never wanted to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 I don't think it would have bothered my MM. He will ask how things are going at home and says he will always love me if I wanted to leave him if things were to get better, but that he would support me and understand. Now, he doesn't like it if I happen to mention I was talking to another guy, meaning a co-worker, and he gets edgy if I go out with a girlfriend and wants to know if anything happened. But, I'm not on the prowl for another man, so he's got nothing to worry about. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 By the time our affair got serious, I wasn't having sex with my husband anymore. My AP eventually said didn't want me to have sex with my husband anymore, but by the time he made that revelation I had already committed to myself that I wouldn't. The one time it did happen, I didn't initiate it and I said no, and I felt like trash afterwards and I swore never again. With him, I didn't want to know. I knew they weren't having sex, and if they did he'd tell me out of guilt. But I never asked, I never wanted to know. WOW!!!! I couldn't imagine making that demand of my MW. What is even more wowing is that you follow it. Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 (edited) WOW!!!! I couldn't imagine making that demand of my MW. What is even more wowing is that you follow it. He didn't demand it. Just one day he said it, like it had been bothering him and he blurted it out. I doubt he said it with the expectation I'd do it. Just sharing it was something that bothered him and he didn't want me to have to. And if you read what I wrote, I didn't stop sleeping with my then-husband because he asked. I had already decided on my own I wasn't going to because of how it made me feel. Affair or not, I can't have sex with two different people without it bothering me. When it came to choosing, I didn't love my then-husband so I couldn't have sex with him. Edited December 20, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jbp005 Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 I hope that's how my MW feels cause what guy could be ok with it if you truly have feelings for her. It's probably harder for me considering I'm single. Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 Sex with your H made you feel like trash!?! Get real. I am being real. I didn't love him and having sex with him made me feel awful. I'm not sure what's not real about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Cheshire Posted December 23, 2014 Share Posted December 23, 2014 Would I feel differently? I wouldn't. Like I mentioned if I were relying on her for sex, and it was my main driver this would have been done long ago, but it is not. Sure the sex is fantastic, but out main bond is the emotional side. Because of family stuff there are times when we don't see each other(dates) for a month or longer. Take this month. I have publically seen her once, and no dates, and won't as we will be in different cities for the rest of the year. During the summers there have been times when we have gone three months without a date, and not seeing each other at all. So, no if the sex component were absent, it would not change my perspective about her. I can relate to this. I became very emotionally attached to my MW. If someone had said that I could continue to spend time with her but have to give up sex, I would have said yes without question. On the original question, I was an ostrich, I tried not to think about it at all, buried head in sand. My MW talked a lot about her children, but very little about her husband. It was enough to know that our sexual relationship was better than her's with her husband. One thing that I thought about later was the sexual health aspect. My MW and I always had unprotected sex, I guess I assumed that her husband was faithful to her, but I guess there was the possibility that he might also have been sleeping with someone else - possibly sex workers, who knows? - and my MW and I might both have contracted an STI at some point. I have had negative STI tests since the A ended, so it turns out it wasn't an issue, but it could've been, yet our desire for real intimacy overrode everything at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 23, 2014 Share Posted December 23, 2014 As the single OW it bothered me to know he had sex with someone who wasn't me. But of course as with so many things in As you find a way to put it out of your mind. He was A LOT more jealous and possessive than I was though. Although I didn't like the situation I think I told myself it was par for the course that he would sleep with her. Whereas he was always worried I was going to be with other men and was always jealous about it. Link to post Share on other sites
confuzed23 Posted December 23, 2014 Share Posted December 23, 2014 (edited) I would have to agree with that from my own experience, after being OM and with girlfriends since. I think about it this way, when I first meet someone and start a relationship and I have seen it go this way on both sides. You of course talk about sexual history, partners before jumping into things. As long as there history isn't crazy(In which case you'd likely leave anyway), it doesn't bother you too much and you almost freely talk about it. As time passes and feelings grow, you realize you don't like to or want to hear or think about that person with someone else when the conversation comes up for whatever reason. You both have a past, that is where it is and it's nothing to penalize the other person for. But somehow overtime, it now bothers you to think about her with someone else, when at first it wasn't as big of a deal. That is normal when you are in a mutually loving monogamous relationship, that person means something to you and you to them and it's hard to imagine them with someone else past, much less present. I'm not knocking those with open relationships, to each there own if both parties agree. Its my long way of saying in a normal, loving, monogamous relationship, those feelings you have are completely normal. Edited December 23, 2014 by confuzed23 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 WOW!!!! I couldn't imagine making that demand of my MW. What is even more wowing is that you follow it. I know, right?? I read a story on here where the SOW DEMANDED full transparency to her MM's phone, email, social media and passwords and would go mental if he sent a 'loving' text or email to his wife.... I mean seriously... What kind of whipped doormat puts up with that??? Crazy talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 I know, right?? I read a story on here where the SOW DEMANDED full transparency to her MM's phone, email, social media and passwords and would go mental if he sent a 'loving' text or email to his wife.... I mean seriously... What kind of whipped doormat puts up with that??? Crazy talk. Again, during our affair, no "demands" were made that one or the other must not have sex. He mentioned it bothered him and he wished I didn't, I had decided on my own long before he said anything that I was choosing not to. That said, I didn't "demand" it during the affair, but he had access to my email, social media, knew my passwords, and could read my phone if he wanted, and vice versa. Same holds true now. I don't see what's so dramatically terrible about that. Link to post Share on other sites
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