Sex After Infidelity

[jm2013]

I guess this would pertain to both the WS and BS. If you're still with your spouse do you find the sex as good, better or meh? I used to be pretty kinky with my wife but I think some things made her feel slutty for some reason. During her affair I remember her always saying "you don't make love to me". I really didn't get what she was saying at the time. I think the other guy was more passionate in bed perhaps. I've started to think about that a lot lately. She never elaborated on it besides saying when we had sex we just got right to it most of the time. We got in that routine after kids cause there were only small windows. So I'm guessing this other guy did more kissing than #$king.

 

Sex with my wife now is meh to me. While I enjoy having sex that's all it feels like now days. Just sex nothing more. The love making part is evaporated. I can't grab on to her face and look her in the eyes while we're having sex. I can't give her a deep passionate kiss while I'm on top of her. Is there anybody else who's exhibited these same problems after?

[Sub]

How much foreplay happens? Sex with my WW is great, but we have the occasional clunker. Foreplay has always been a big key, though, some times more important/more gratifying than the actual intercourse. I'm wondering if that's what she was eluding to with the "get right to it" comment.

 

One thing I've learned during sex is how important the use of my hands is. Example: When she's on top, running my fingers gently along her spine has a certain effect. Or how I touch her thighs.

[TrustedthenBusted]

my wife has never been very passionate or exciting in bed. Not with me, not with OM, not before, and not really after, outside of the hyper-bonding period ( which was awesome, and almost worth it! )

 

Our biggest problem these days is that she is not much on foreplay. Most of the time it's get it up, get it in, and get it over with.

 

It's an issue we are currently discussing. At this stage, I don't know that her affairs are even a factor anymore.

[jm2013]

We used to have a lot of foreplay. I have no desire to do anything like that anymore though. She has always been weird about that even when we dated. I think that was a big turn off I just eventually overcame over the years. She has always been so self conscious. Weird enough after I caught her in the affair that totally evaporated. I always told her it was a turn off and she doesn't do it anymore. I also have a reduced sex drive with my wife now. T&B does that issue reside within you or her?

[TrustedthenBusted]

T&B does that issue reside within you or her?

 

Well it's sex, so the issue is with both of us. She is very reserved, and I don't really try very hard to pull her out of it.

 

We have talked about it, she admits that she's gotten more reserved, and doesn't understand why.

 

She's always had some issues with sex. Always been quiet as a mime, and never very adventurous, and to this day doesn't use what I consider to be adult language when discussing sex.

 

Even her emails to OM were not very exciting at all, and their sex was "boring" his words. can you imagine an affair with boring sex? why bother?

 

I, on the other hand, and quite comfortable getting my freak on....

 

Let's just say I didn't marry her for her cooking or bedroom skills.

[Realist3]

My wife has always been a 'get down to business' woman, likes to be dominated/taken, but not too rough. Little if any foreplay.

 

MW on the other hand always hints if she wants me to make love to her or to eff the crap out of her, it really depends on her mood. Tons of foreplay.

[jm2013]

Well it's sex, so the issue is with both of us. She is very reserved, and I don't really try very hard to pull her out of it.

 

We have talked about it, she admits that she's gotten more reserved, and doesn't understand why.

 

She's always had some issues with sex. Always been quiet as a mime, and never very adventurous, and to this day doesn't use what I consider to be adult language when discussing sex.

 

Even her emails to OM were not very exciting at all, and their sex was "boring" his words. can you imagine an affair with boring sex? why bother?

 

I, on the other hand, and quite comfortable getting my freak on....

 

Let's just say I didn't marry her for her cooking or bedroom skills.

 

I hear you man. My wife was weird about things even in dating.

 

My wife has always been a 'get down to business' woman, likes to be dominated/taken, but not too rough. Little if any foreplay.

 

MW on the other hand always hints if she wants me to make love to her or to eff the crap out of her, it really depends on her mood. Tons of foreplay.

 

Doesn't the sex with OW make it hard to have sex with your wife? So you enjoy sex with OW because of the foreplay?

[Rainbowlove]

Is this a boys only conversation or are good looking lesbians allowed??

[drifter777]

I have sex with her because I enjoy sex. I don't like kinky but we've expanded our repertoire over the years to include pretty much everything short of stuff that's probably illegal in some states.

 

I almost never think of her with OM during foreplay or the main event. Almost never. Sometimes there is something I do that she has told me she did with OM and that usually triggers me big time. Its nothing I do on purpose so I can't avoid it and it is like a one-in-ten occurrence so its not ruining that part of our relationship.

 

There was a long period of time that my pain and anger were bubbling out of me on a weekly basis. On one of those nights I wouldn't touch her and nearly always ended up taking a pillow and sleeping on the couch.

[drifter777]

Is this a boys only conversation or are good looking lesbians allowed??

This is so hot...thanks for the visual

[Rainbowlove]

This is so hot...thanks for the visual

 

Now I'm blushing....not really

 

This is such a hard question. For me, as the WS, sex is hit or miss...hot and cold...take it or leave it now.

 

We've been together 20 years and my wife is way more interested than I am and sometimes it feels like a chore to me, which totally sucks.

 

I wonder if all long term marriages are like that or if it's just us.

 

There this thing in the lesbian community called...lesbian bed death. It happens - the two women become friends more than lovers and after a while they just stop having sex. My wife and are are about once a week and that sometimes is too much for me.

 

Sometimes I feel like my AP is in the room with us and I have to try to work her out of my head. It's awful. I wonder if she's ever in my wife's head, but she doesn't seem to be.

 

I really have a hard time being fully present. Fortunately, I don't have to worry about performance issues

[Selfish]

Seriously, you wonder why you aren't happy and you keep looking at her and some idea you have she hasn't told you everything. I don't think that is it at all. Because she might have. And even if she did I don't think it would change.

 

you don't love her anymore. And you don't want to try. Nothing will change in the next six months or a year you are giving yourself unless you start doing things to change it. Whether it is leaving or falling in love again.

 

Like holding her hand just because. Hiring a sex therapist for her. Telling her "I love you" if you happen to feel it in a moment. Kissing her and LOOKING HER IN THE EYE.

 

You are unhappy, you have been looking for things (the tiny picture on the phone) to give you a reason to leave. BUt yet, you won't just leave. Or stay. You have been in limbo far to long.

 

Make a decision today and start working towards that goal. You can always change your mind tomorrow.

[Realist3]

Doesn't the sex with OW make it hard to have sex with your wife? So you enjoy sex with OW because of the foreplay?

 

I like foreplay A LOT! THE MW has had 4-8 O's before we really get to business. My wife on the other hand can be done in 5 minutes if that. She is a one and done. She also has a serious gagging issue so she doesn't do head.

[jm2013]

I find it amusing my wife constantly wants sex now. I think I'm over the hysterical bonding part and it feels more like a chore. What's weird is she's doing everything most people on here would consider "legit" actions. I think she wrecked the marriage to a point where it is unrecoverable. Maybe it was all of the lying she has done. I had originally thought I'd be able to easily reconcile and put it in the past. As time passes it just gets worse to think about for me at least. Tomorrow we have a MC appointment so I get to tell her all about my feelings.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I find it amusing my wife constantly wants sex now. I think I'm over the hysterical bonding part and it feels more like a chore. What's weird is she's doing everything most people on here would consider "legit" actions. I think she wrecked the marriage to a point where it is unrecoverable. Maybe it was all of the lying she has done. I had originally thought I'd be able to easily reconcile and put it in the past. As time passes it just gets worse to think about for me at least. Tomorrow we have a MC appointment so I get to tell her all about my feelings.

 

If she wants it, and you want it, than nothing is beyond recovery. It just sucks, and takes time and effort. Good luck.

[jm2013]

If she wants it, and you want it, than nothing is beyond recovery. It just sucks, and takes time and effort. Good luck.

 

I'm the type of person to think about, analyze and emotionally torture myself over a million different scenarios. I'm not sure if she truly wants it herself. Maybe she's in love with the idea. Maybe she didn't want our daughter to lose her father. I remember coming home before I knew here and there and my wife would be hugging our daughter crying at times. I don't really remember what I thought. I think I just chalked it up to use being in a bad spot. An affair never really ran past my thoughts at that point. I think what she's trying to do is work her way out of the mess she created. It doesn't feel authentic and at times just feels annoying. While I do enjoy having a personal maid, I don't enjoy my spouse being it. I can do things on my own. I have expressed this over and over again and its like something isn't clicking.

 

Her actions don't feel authentic because it is not who she truly is. It's like my wife is casting in a new movie and she's constantly in character. I'm not even sure if this happens with true remorseful WS's. It just feels over the top.

[DKT3]

JM, sometimes its just over after the affair. I think maybe your wife feels you becoming distant and many women feel sex is a fix-all. The lying is so hard to overcome when you still feel that they aren't being open and honest. I stayed 14 months looking for a reason to continue in the marriage, well actually 8 months the following six was planning my exist. She didn't help, with the power of hindsight it was because she felt 1) I wouldn't leave 2) I would think less of her 3) I would have a revenge affair because in her words "I was so mean, uncaring and cold to people that crossed me" she was scared of me being that way with her. In the end she simply didn't do enough.

 

As far as sex after for us? I had no interest, she would try but not to hard because she was scared to engage me much.

[CantgetoveritNY]

For me JM, sometimes it can be as good as ever. I just let my brain go to thoughts of love and romance and get lost in the moment, thinking she loves me and we will be together forever. Sex is best for me, has always been, when I thought I'd be with that partner forever. I can still get lost in the moment like that. Its a good thing when it happens.

 

Other times it is just, I need sex, she is there and willing, its a service of sorts. We are friends and we like each other. We want the other to enjoy the sex, but we have no illusions about us being together long term. Then the sex is not great but not terrible either.

 

Sometimes though the A comes to mind, mind movies I mean, and then I can't do it. Sometimes I will be very much needing it but the movies come and then just the sight of her, even a photo, makes me lose my urge completely.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I'm the type of person to think about, analyze and emotionally torture myself over a million different scenarios. I'm not sure if she truly wants it herself. Maybe she's in love with the idea. Maybe she didn't want our daughter to lose her father. I remember coming home before I knew here and there and my wife would be hugging our daughter crying at times. I don't really remember what I thought. I think I just chalked it up to use being in a bad spot. An affair never really ran past my thoughts at that point. I think what she's trying to do is work her way out of the mess she created. It doesn't feel authentic and at times just feels annoying. While I do enjoy having a personal maid, I don't enjoy my spouse being it. I can do things on my own. I have expressed this over and over again and its like something isn't clicking.

 

Her actions don't feel authentic because it is not who she truly is. It's like my wife is casting in a new movie and she's constantly in character. I'm not even sure if this happens with true remorseful WS's. It just feels over the top.

 

Her actions may not FEEL authentic, and they may not be the ones that really speak to your heart, but try to remember that they ARE ACTIONS!

 

Many WS's just want the whole damn thing to go away, so you're lucky in that yours is trying to SHOW you something rather than just give you meaningless words. Or worse, give you nothing at all.

 

If she wanted to leave, she would have left. And if you were in her shoes, you wouldn't know what the right thing to do is either. But you'd definitely do SOMETHING if you didn't want her to leave. And that something would probably be 'over the top'

 

 

Empathy is key to recovery.

[Spectre]

Sex with my wife now is meh to me. While I enjoy having sex that's all it feels like now days. Just sex nothing more. The love making part is evaporated. I can't grab on to her face and look her in the eyes while we're having sex. I can't give her a deep passionate kiss while I'm on top of her. Is there anybody else who's exhibited these same problems after?

 

So why are you with her? What she has done has obviously damaged your relationship beyond repair, you won't ever see her the same way again.

[Bartlett67]

Sex with my formerlyWH is so damned good, it's unreal. He told me the other day it's mind-altering. I know it is for me. Let's just say, I'm glad we don't live in an apartment. I also know that sex with his AP was lousy. Not just because he said so, but because she actually berated him in an email for not enjoying it with her.

[truncated]

OP,

it sounds like you have lost the emotional connection you used to have, and all the sex in the world, foreplay or anything else won't bring that back on its own. It may take a long tine of rebuilding you relationship in all areas. You need to reform that emotional connection outside the bedroom too, and accept that it may be different than it was before. That's to say you can't rebuild one, or that it can't be great, just different.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I don't know man, after this long I think the FEEL thing outweighs everything else.

 

JM: I wrote in another post that I think most WW's have no intention of leaving the marriage. Family is most important and they need BH to make that work. They can have a man on the side to charm them & give them a real-life fantasy. When they get busted they panic and give BH whatever he needs to just get over it. So you are playing the role of provider and daddy to give her the family life she wants. AP was Prince Charming and she had to give him up but she has her memories.

 

I think your analogy of her going through the motions like she's playing a part in a play has a lot of merit. I guess you are playing your role as well. I wonder if she is as unhappy with this crap as you are...

 

You may be right. But just like we all say it is not solely OUR responsibility to make our WS's happy, as they must do this for themselves, it works the other way too.

 

If she is doing these things in an effort to reconcile, then in order for it to work, he must accept these gifts in the vein they are being given.

 

In the end, the BS is often the final stonewall to successful R, through their refusal to forgive, and accept their partner back.

 

It's a very confusing time, I know. Been there Done that, and Still there.

 

So you have to ask yourself.

 

1. Do I want to reconcile? Am I going to stay?

 

2. Am I going to recognize my WS's efforts and let them back into my heart.

 

If you can't do it, you can't do it, and nobody can fault you for that.

 

But if you WANT to do it, the price is letting your guard down, and taking another chance.

[jm2013]

You may be right. But just like we all say it is not solely OUR responsibility to make our WS's happy, as they must do this for themselves, it works the other way too.

 

If she is doing these things in an effort to reconcile, then in order for it to work, he must accept these gifts in the vein they are being given.

 

In the end, the BS is often the final stonewall to successful R, through their refusal to forgive, and accept their partner back.

 

It's a very confusing time, I know. Been there Done that, and Still there.

 

So you have to ask yourself.

 

1. Do I want to reconcile? Am I going to stay?

 

2. Am I going to recognize my WS's efforts and let them back into my heart.

 

If you can't do it, you can't do it, and nobody can fault you for that.

 

But if you WANT to do it, the price is letting your guard down, and taking another chance.

 

 

1 - I started our YES I did want to reconcile. I wanted to stay.

 

2 - This one is tough. I recognize my wife's efforts and know she's putting in a lot of work. I can't say she's not. Over time her past actions affected my future thoughts even when she is working hard at the present.

 

My wife lied SO much about her affair. You're talking months where she stuck to her lies and I even told her I knew she was lying and she continued to lie. It was the strangest thing. Then one day she basically told me she was lying because she was afraid the details would completely end us. I tried to go back in my memory of how our marriage was and everything in between. I almost wonder if her affair amplified old feelings of her and just made them worse.

 

There were some things about her I felt like I just sucked up and forged on. I would just set things aside because the most important thing was we were always there for each other. Dedicated to each other. Now that this is done I wonder if that's why my feelings are blah towards her. I would consider her affair long term. She's full of crap when she "would consider" the affair to be six months. She knows damn well it started some time ago emotionally probably back in 2011 to 2013. I also find it utterly disgusting she tried to get our families to be friends. Talk about the lowest respect for your spouse. I am not sure WHY in the world she'd want her husband and affair partner to be in the same places. When I think back at it I now know why he was always uncomfortable around me.

[TrustedthenBusted]

1 - I started our YES I did want to reconcile. I wanted to stay.

 

2 - This one is tough. I recognize my wife's efforts and know she's putting in a lot of work. I can't say she's not. Over time her past actions affected my future thoughts even when she is working hard at the present.

 

My wife lied SO much about her affair. You're talking months where she stuck to her lies and I even told her I knew she was lying and she continued to lie. It was the strangest thing. Then one day she basically told me she was lying because she was afraid the details would completely end us. I tried to go back in my memory of how our marriage was and everything in between. I almost wonder if her affair amplified old feelings of her and just made them worse.

 

There were some things about her I felt like I just sucked up and forged on. I would just set things aside because the most important thing was we were always there for each other. Dedicated to each other. Now that this is done I wonder if that's why my feelings are blah towards her. I would consider her affair long term. She's full of crap when she "would consider" the affair to be six months. She knows damn well it started some time ago emotionally probably back in 2011 to 2013. I also find it utterly disgusting she tried to get our families to be friends. Talk about the lowest respect for your spouse. I am not sure WHY in the world she'd want her husband and affair partner to be in the same places. When I think back at it I now know why he was always uncomfortable around me.

 

Man...so much of what you wrote rings familiar for me. My wife also made sure I met ( unbeknownst to me ) the OM at her office Xmas party. I used to think it was just to somehow rub my face in it, or show off to him how crafty and sneaky she was willing to be. But eventually I realized that it was really about her need to prove that she was somehow worthy of a good man or something. It's a bizarre world that honestly I don't try to hard to understand. I asked her about it and she expresses honest confusion about WTF she was trying to prove with that move.