Wife had affair with OM I knew; undecided

[secondhand]

New here but been lurking for almost a year.

My story.

Been married to my best friend for 17yrs been together for 20yr. We have three children. All teenagers now. Everythings been good till last. Couple of years. We started drifting apart when we both got some new age cell iPhone. So one day last year we were both outside cleaning up a camper I had bought and she went inside to get something. I continued washing the camper. Little while later I went in to use the bathroom. Walked in our bedroom and caught her topless with her cell taking a selfie. Shocked She quickly covered up and said it was for me.

 

So I went along did my busness and went back out to continue the camper cleanup. She came back out and continue as well. So I wait for a hot sexy text. It never came so I get cautious wondering whats up and go inside to check out/hide and check her fb. And there I find the topless pic sent to a old high school buddy before my time. I was broken and furious.

 

I took it straight to her and stuck it in her face. And told her to go be with him I'm done. She at first made some crape excuse. Then acted as she was leaving to live at her mother's out of state. I told her to stay and I left I would let her keep it all. . So I stayed away for a few days ignoring her calls her text. Just to give her the taste of being alone sleeping alone in a cold bed alone. I kept. Her scared because I am an advid outdoors man and could have stayed out much longer. She thought I would kill myself out there. Because I had just lost a good friend to the same situation. Seperation from his wife drove him to tie a rope.

 

So I finally text back I'm alive but like she cares. She wants to talk. So I come home. We talk and she reviled all she had done.

She slept with him sent vid and pics. I was destroyed. They had been talking to each other for 9months. I want to kill this man empty my clip into his face. So anyways. Turns out he lives across the country like 2000miles away so I can't get at him and is married so I went on fb and put him on blast. To his wife and all her friends-family. His wife asked for proof so I sent all screenshots to her. Then nothing. His fb disappeared. Hers is still up but not being used. She updates her wall pic every month

But won't talk to me.

 

So I decide D or R. I came up with R for my teens do not need to be thrown off there life course. All very good kids oldest one a grad. Middle one a few yrs from grad and the youngest on her fourth yr in band honor- marching on three instruments. Being in there teens did not want the kids to go into depression or drugs or suicide or crime.

 

So now I'm a yr past all of this and still ask if I should go . Wife tries to act normal but we only make small talk now she tells me She is sorry on my worst days but I can't see it/ feel it. At times we seem ok. Others just tolerated. I'm struggling in trust it's all gone not a speck left. At times I believe. There affair was longer they have been fb friends since fb started. I have known the OM for yrs. I knew him in school. Where I met my wife. I wonder if she wished she ended up with him instead of me. I'm going crazy. With all the wondering.

 

On my bad days she tries to help me through. But it don't feel like she is working hard enough to make me feel loved by her. She has read the sticky at the top and continues to tell me I'm the one. that the OM just got in her head. With better flattery- only words. She has never had to work a day in her life. I provided for my family the entire time. And thought it was a good life.

Edited December 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and add descriptive title.

[TrustedthenBusted]

New here but been lurking for almost a year.

My story.

Been married to my best friend for 17yrs been together for 20yr. We have three children. All teenagers now. Everythings been good till last. Couple of years. We started drifting apart when we both got some new age cell iPhone. So one day last year we were both outside cleaning up a camper I had bought and she went inside to get something. I continued washing the camper. Little while later I went in to use the bathroom. Walked in our bedroom and caught her topless with her cell taking a selfie. Shocked She quickly covered up and said it was for me.

 

So I went along did my busness and went back out to continue the camper cleanup. She came back out and continue as well. So I wait for a hot sexy text. It never came so I get cautious wondering whats up and go inside to check out/hide and check her fb. And there I find the topless pic sent to a old high school buddy before my time. I was broken and furious.

 

I took it straight to her and stuck it in her face. And told her to go be with him I'm done. She at first made some crape excuse. Then acted as she was leaving to live at her mother's out of state. I told her to stay and I left I would let her keep it all. . So I stayed away for a few days ignoring her calls her text. Just to give her the taste of being alone sleeping alone in a cold bed alone. I kept. Her scared because I am an advid outdoors man and could have stayed out much longer. She thought I would kill myself out there. Because I had just lost a good friend to the same situation. Seperation from his wife drove him to tie a rope.

 

So I finally text back I'm alive but like she cares. She wants to talk. So I come home. We talk and she reviled all she had done.

She slept with him sent vid and pics. I was destroyed. They had been talking to each other for 9months. I want to kill this man empty my clip into his face. So anyways. Turns out he lives across the country like 2000miles away so I can't get at him and is married so I went on fb and put him on blast. To his wife and all her friends-family. His wife asked for proof so I sent all screenshots to her. Then nothing. His fb disappeared. Hers is still up but not being used. She updates her wall pic every month

But won't talk to me.

 

So I decide D or R. I came up with R for my teens do not need to be thrown off there life course. All very good kids oldest one a grad. Middle one a few yrs from grad and the youngest on her fourth yr in band honor- marching on three instruments. Being in there teens did not want the kids to go into depression or drugs or suicide or crime.

 

So now I'm a yr past all of this and still ask if I should go . Wife tries to act normal but we only make small talk now she tells me She is sorry on my worst days but I can't see it/ feel it. At times we seem ok. Others just tolerated. I'm struggling in trust it's all gone not a speck left. At times I believe. There affair was longer they have been fb friends since fb started. I have known the OM for yrs. I knew him in school. Where I met my wife. I wonder if she wished she ended up with him instead of me. I'm going crazy. With all the wondering.

 

On my bad days she tries to help me through. But it don't feel like she is working hard enough to make me feel loved by her. She has read the sticky at the top and continues to tell me I'm the one. that the OM just got in her head. With better flattery- only words. She has never had to work a day in her life. I provided for my family the entire time. And thought it was a good life.

 

The world doesn't appreciate hardworking, truck driving, tool owning, food providing, home-protecting men the way it used to. I'm sorry brother.

[drifter777]

How would you describe your suffering over this? Do you believe your cheating wife has told you as much truth as you want to know?

[happyman64]

secondhand

 

The key is communication between you and your wife and the ability to show her consequences for her actions.

 

Have you two spoken honestly how you feel up to this point? Has she?

 

Has she helped you and comforted you when the emotions kick in?

 

Have you shown her consequences for her bad decisions?

 

Made her get a job?

Made her get tested for stds?

Disclosed her infidelity to her family?

Written a No Contact to the other man?

 

Given you a written timeline of when the affair started and what they did together and where?

 

You have gone a year and are not sure if you want to R. That actually is quite normal.

 

But what you have to decide is she worth reconciling with?

 

HM

[aliveagain]

Is she in therapy? Do not let her sweep this under the carpet or you will be eating another sh*t sandwich sometime in the future. She needs to get to root of her problem, why she thought bringing another man into an already troubled relationship was going to help? Friend the affair is all her, nothing you did pushed her into his arms because she was a more than willing participant. Has she written you a timeline of her affair, how it started, where, when, how many times, type of sex they had? You need to know everything that went on between them so there are no more secrets between them that are being withheld from you. Have you given her your list of requirements for staying in the marriage, you need to be able to measure the work she has done against what you need to feel safe? My guess is her actions don't match her words, she's only doing enough to keep you from leaving. Sorry your going through this.

[Bryanp]

I suggest that you both get tested for STD's. What have been the consequences to her actions? If the roles were reversed would she have been so accepting as you have been?

 

If you don't respect yourself then who will?

[road]

How did your WW and OM get to hook up if you live 2,000 miles away?

 

 

How do you know if there truly is NC/no contact between your WW and the OM?

 

 

It seems you can not believe your WW told you the full truth. Such as length, who many times, etc. So schedule a polygraph test then tell her when the test is scheduled.

[harrybrown]

So has she ever sent you the wild videos, etc?

 

If she is not trying, tell her again to leave and go be with him.

 

She made her choice and it was not with you.

 

How would she feel if you had an affair?

 

Since she opened up your marriage, has she invited one of her friends to send you videos, and be your "friend"?

[secondhand]

She knows the consequence. She knows I will ride off in the sunset and never be seen again. That's how I finish with others who have crossed me ie. past friends family .

[secondhand]

The thing is, is how can a person be so sure that Nc is just that, there are ways ,friends phone or thru friends or just other secret outlets. No guarantee. Other than being around 24-7. But it don't matter if that is what she wants, she is free to make that choice.

[secondhand]

Sorry I can't seem to stay online long enough to post a reply. My replays are long winded and this site keeps making me 're log on and then my reply is lost and then I have to 're type a new

[Selfish]

Sorry I can't seem to stay online long enough to post a reply. My replays are long winded and this site keeps making me 're log on and then my reply is lost and then I have to 're type a new

check stay long in or copy your post when time is getting on. before hitting send. then you can just paste it.

[Selfish]

The thing is, is how can a person be so sure that Nc is just that, there are ways ,friends phone or thru friends or just other secret outlets. No guarantee. Other than being around 24-7. But it don't matter if that is what she wants, she is free to make that choice.

 

You can't, and that is why I am not on board with some of the policing that is encouraged. I know a woman that still checks everything daily her husband does because when they were dating ten years ago he had cheated. It is her choice to live like that and his to but you can see the crazy in them (they are very open about her actions. A general sweep of things to assuage your fear once and a while can help. But it won't stop her if she wants to misbehave. it will just help with your fears.

 

The best thing (as it has been a little while) is to objectively look at your wife's behaviour. You said things went down hill for two years. Don't blame the smart phone. It is just a tool. There will be other reasons that the marriage went done. Have you went to MC. the third party can really help get actual work on this marriage rather than just sitting back and hoping things will change without work.

 

it is a good sign your wife told you about the sex and the length. The go to answer would be (specially with the distance) "It was never physical and only a month." Yes she still could be lying or minimizing. But her offering that much tips the balance more in favour of truth. And just so you know, if you read here (ow section too) and other sites the stories told by the WS you will see that many had affairs with friends they knew a while before it became inappropriate.

 

I would ask her to go to MC and do some reading on infidelity to show she is wanting to change whatever negative behaviour lead to her stepping out. I think it would benefit you to go to IC and MC and get emotional help and support for what you are going through. It can also help you see more clearly if reconciliation is what you want to do.

[BetrayedH]

Sorry I can't seem to stay online long enough to post a reply. My replays are long winded and this site keeps making me 're log on and then my reply is lost and then I have to 're type a new

 

When you login, check the "remember me" or "keep me logged in" box (or whatever it is). I used to have the same problem and that fixed it for me.

[Chi townD]

A little confused. How could she sleep with him if he lives 2000 miles away? Or are you saying they were sexting or web cam?

[beach]

Into undos like she is sorry she got caught. That's much different than sorry about the cheating.

 

Have you done counseling in the past year? What has she done to REPAIR the damage SHE caused? What is she changing about herself that indicates she feels badly about hurting you and the marriage?

[Selfish]

Into undos like she is sorry she got caught. That's much different than sorry about the cheating.

 

Have you done counseling in the past year? What has she done to REPAIR the damage SHE caused? What is she changing about herself that indicates she feels badly about hurting you and the marriage?

 

I don't understand what you mean, Into undos. If you mean it looks like she is sorry she got caught you are projecting. He hasn't given us enough info to know that. Or even really have a solid opinion on it.

 

This may come as a surprise but thousands of BS and WS alike do not seek outside help for their marriage. Many never even think of asking internet strangers. It doesn't mean they don't care always it just means they don't have the knowledge. Since he has come here seeking he could read the pinned post what every wayward needs to know and then tell her what he needs to see her doing in order to raise the chances of reconciliation working out.

 

Her reaction to his requests will be telling.

[No Limit]

If you just want to stay for the children, why not decide for an open marriage? Finding someone who appreciates you, not someone who is figuring out how to do it better next time?

[HurtHusband]

As the wise folks here told me...be there for your kids and live life for you...make some new friends or even friends with a new woman who likes you...you don't have to have an affair. You just want to start feeling good about yourself and detaching yourself from your wife. Because of her actions look at how you feel? Look what happened to your poor friend. I know it sounds like strange advice at first, because your suppose to love your WW. But sadly people cheat and your mental health and well being is affected by her selfish behavior..so first rule is stop giving a ****!

 

You are obviously devastated and I was the same.

The point is, if your together, you can't watch her 24/7 and if you keep wondering about the OM it will drive you crazy while at work! She may or may not cheat again...who knows...

 

She got caught, so if she does cheat again she will of course be much more discreet and cover her tracks more carefully.

 

Your kids are almost adults, you could plan to stay for another few years until the kids finish school. In the meantime do whatever it takes for you to feel good again, buy a new suit, start doing well at work, go to the gym...don't go into a negative tail spin...rise above this crap..go the other way, improve your life, show her your the man, and no one will judge you if you seperate from her when you are good and ready...

 

 

And emptying your clip in his face? I have thought that and far worse about my wife's OM...it's perfectly natural to 'think that'. My feelings are changing abit with time and now I think living a kick ass life with someone much better than my wife would be even better revenge...

Edited December 19, 2014 by HurtHusband

[sidney2718]

How did your WW and OM get to hook up if you live 2,000 miles away?

 

This puzzles me as well. It makes no sense.

 

How do you know if there truly is NC/no contact between your WW and the OM?

 

I don't think it is possible to "know".

 

It seems you can not believe your WW told you the full truth. Such as length, who many times, etc. So schedule a polygraph test then tell her when the test is scheduled.

 

The big problem, it seems to me, is that she does not quite "get" what infidelity has done to her husband. There are some articles around that explain that. I think that the BH needs to get her to read several of them.