Person I'm seeing is multi-dating. How to handle?

[Trenton100]

OK, first I want to say hello. I don't know why It wouldn't let me put "new and confused" as the topic name. Sorry.

 

 

I'm 40. I was married for 14 years. I've dated a couple of people since but not many. The girl I met online and saw for the first time last night is pretty awesome. We have been talking for almost two weeks.

 

 

I just found out tonight that she is talking to someone else too. She isn't pushing for a relationship and that's OK with me. But I'm not a multiple dating kind of guy. We both agreed we hit it off pretty well last night and so far, I think our personalities match. I've had a good feeling about it.

 

 

I don't know how to react to this. So far I like her. Am I wrong for being a tad upset about realizing she dates another guy? I don't like it. It isn't a jealousy thing, more like I don't want to be in competition. I feel better concentrating on one person at a time. To me, that's the point. I'm not a teenager, you know? I'm looking for something serious. I'm all for going slow but now I would have to constantly have this in the back of my head if I keep going. I don't have the time or money to see multiple people at once and I certainly don't like the idea of going back and forth. It's stupid IMO. I have a little guy. I need stability, not competition and bullsh&t games.

 

 

So I told her my position on all of this. She wants to keep talking but a part of me wants to cut her off now. I was excited to meet her. My other dates before didn't give me that feeling but this one did.

 

 

I don't know what to do. I feel like if I shut it down, I'm blowing an opportunity. She's 35, has one kid and seems like a good fit so far. I know its early and I'm not pushing anything. If I don't shut it down, then I'm taking the chance of getting burned.

 

 

I just wish I could meet someone for real, outside of the internet. But I'm new where I live in a manner of speaking. When I first came here, I met my ex-wife and was married within two years. I never got out much because I was dedicated to her and our home.

 

 

I don't know what to do.

Edited December 19, 2014 by Trenton100

[Trenton100]

...or maybe she digs me too but is afraid?

 

 

Oh hell...now I'm talking to myself.

[todreaminblue]

...or maybe she digs me too but is afraid?

 

 

Oh hell...now I'm talking to myself.

 

nah not talking to yourself im one who is listening......and talking back....:0)....just take it slow...multiple dating isnt something i agree with either....i wouldnt feel comfortable dating a multiple dater....but....sounds like it is early days for you.....give it a couple more dates and see how it goes..do let her know you are looking for a serious relationship....best wishes....deb

[Trenton100]

nah not talking to yourself im one who is listening......and talking back....:0)....just take it slow...multiple dating isnt something i agree with either....i wouldnt feel comfortable dating a multiple dater....but....sounds like it is early days for you.....give it a couple more dates and see how it goes..do let her know you are looking for a serious relationship....best wishes....deb

 

 

I would like to see her again. She said the same. She isn't blowing me off. She actually texted me earlier telling me she was thinking about our kiss last night.

 

 

I was honest and told her my position. Only now, at 40, do I start setting standards for myself. Go figure.

[trippi1432]

I would like to see her again. She said the same. She isn't blowing me off. She actually texted me earlier telling me she was thinking about our kiss last night.

 

 

I was honest and told her my position. Only now, at 40, do I start setting standards for myself. Go figure.

 

 

You are allowed to set standards, just don't alienate yourself. Embrace your hurt. Telling a woman where you stand is respectful.....letting her make her own decisions......good, and if she decides to walk..........let her.....

[Ebelskiver]

I don't really understand your point of view. I usually date a couple of people at a time. But only in the very early, getting to know one another stages. If we've just met I'm not going to turn down another promising offer because I may find out the next date that you voted for McCain. And then I'd have turned down a potentially better fit.

 

But after a few dates....3-5? And if it's mutually agreed upon that we both don't want to pursue others....I drop the other. Obviously, no intimacy with either person has occurred except for maybe a kiss. If you've only had one date, you don't really know this person and the next date you could discover a deal breaker. It's good to keep it casual in the beginning.

[mysteryscape]

So to some people, a kiss is just a kiss -- to you it actually means something. Nothing wrong with that!

 

You will have to decide do you want to go with the multidating or not?

 

Personally, if I was in your shoes, I'd tell her you either want to do it on terms which are comfortable for you, or move on.

 

My experience, limited though it is, is that if a woman really likes a person after one date -- it can happen lol! -- she is quite happy to have him all to herself (on a mutual basis) and not have to worry about other women. Maybe I just interact with more traditional and certainly older people.

 

The multidating is all just part of a continuum of the growing hookup and now polyamory culture. it is being abetted by online dating, but there are many factors at play.

[BlueIris]

... I don't like it. It isn't a jealousy thing, more like I don't want to be in competition. ...

 

We can't tag another person and call dibs. I went on a date (one date) years ago with a guy who asked if we were exclusive, and said that if I wasn't ready to be exclusive, I must not be serious about having a real relationship. I declined. I can't possibly know someone well enough to make that kind of decision after one or a few dates- and he shouldn't either. It takes a while to get to know someone.

[Redhead14]

OK, first I want to say hello. I don't know why It wouldn't let me put "new and confused" as the topic name. Sorry.

 

 

I'm 40. I was married for 14 years. I've dated a couple of people since but not many. The girl I met online and saw for the first time last night is pretty awesome. We have been talking for almost two weeks.

 

 

I just found out tonight that she is talking to someone else too. She isn't pushing for a relationship and that's OK with me. But I'm not a multiple dating kind of guy. We both agreed we hit it off pretty well last night and so far, I think our personalities match. I've had a good feeling about it.

 

 

I don't know how to react to this. So far I like her. Am I wrong for being a tad upset about realizing she dates another guy? I don't like it. It isn't a jealousy thing, more like I don't want to be in competition. I feel better concentrating on one person at a time. To me, that's the point. I'm not a teenager, you know? I'm looking for something serious. I'm all for going slow but now I would have to constantly have this in the back of my head if I keep going. I don't have the time or money to see multiple people at once and I certainly don't like the idea of going back and forth. It's stupid IMO. I have a little guy. I need stability, not competition and bullsh&t games.

 

 

So I told her my position on all of this. She wants to keep talking but a part of me wants to cut her off now. I was excited to meet her. My other dates before didn't give me that feeling but this one did.

 

 

I don't know what to do. I feel like if I shut it down, I'm blowing an opportunity. She's 35, has one kid and seems like a good fit so far. I know its early and I'm not pushing anything. If I don't shut it down, then I'm taking the chance of getting burned.

 

 

I just wish I could meet someone for real, outside of the internet. But I'm new where I live in a manner of speaking. When I first came here, I met my ex-wife and was married within two years. I never got out much because I was dedicated to her and our home.

 

 

I don't know what to do.

 

If you stop dating women because they are dating other people, you won't be dating very much at all.

 

What usually happens, is a man/woman will date a couple of people up until a certain number of dates (assuming they like said person enough). So, they go out on one date with one person, they both like each other enough, they go on another date. In the meantime, they've gone out with someone else maybe 3 times and then decide to stop dating others and date that person until they find out if it's going to develop further.

 

I wouldn't keep dating others if I've gone past a few dates with one person because at that point because obviously there is enough mutual interest and will decide to focus on that one.

 

I'm not usually able to decide after one date that that person is going to be the "one" and 9 times out of 10, it doesn't go beyond the first or second date. Why limit your options? You don't owe anyone anything at that point.

 

Ask her out again. If she liked you enough, she'll go out with you again and maybe again and then decide to focus on you. You never know. Take the leap. You might find after the second date that you don't like he enough anyway. It's a process, not an event.

[Gaeta]

You cannot expect exclusivity after 1 meeting. This woman has made contact with other men while she was talking with you. She met you and liked you fine but she also made arrangements to meet maybe 1 or 2 other prospects and she will respect those arrangements. Who says she won't click better with prospect 2 or 3?

 

I multi-date up to 3-4 dates. Which is quite reasonable. After 3 dates I know which of the men I prefer to pursue further. It's also not too long so I don't feel I have been misleading the other 2 prospects.

 

If after 5 dates/1 month the man I am seeing insists on seeing other women then I know I did not capture his full attention and I let him free to pursue someone better suited for him.

 

I have met men that expected me to drop everything after 1 date, it felt possessive and manipulative. I am telling you, forget about a woman dropping everything after 1 meet. I have been on first meet that were great and the second one was train wreck! Give this gal a few dates and let her come to you on her own.

[Trenton100]

I don't really understand your point of view. I usually date a couple of people at a time. But only in the very early, getting to know one another stages. If we've just met I'm not going to turn down another promising offer because I may find out the next date that you voted for McCain. And then I'd have turned down a potentially better fit.

 

But after a few dates....3-5? And if it's mutually agreed upon that we both don't want to pursue others....I drop the other. Obviously, no intimacy with either person has occurred except for maybe a kiss. If you've only had one date, you don't really know this person and the next date you could discover a deal breaker. It's good to keep it casual in the beginning.

 

 

I understand but to me it just causes frustration and confusion. Multiple dating is time consuming. If I'm always playing the revolving door, I'll still be hitting up dating sites, wondering who likes who, etc.

 

 

I told her today I'm not into it. I'm not going to keep talking and seeing you if I have to sit back and wonder if I'm in this lame competition. I get its only been one date. I'm not expecting anything overnight. But I'm certainly not going to see you on Tues and another on Wed. How is that fair to anyone?

 

 

People get burned enough as it is. I'm not doing it.

[Gaeta]

 

 

People get burned enough as it is. I'm not doing it.

 

I hope you enjoy single-hood. This is 2015 and it's how it's done nowadays.

[PegNosePete]

I would like to see her again. She said the same. She isn't blowing me off. She actually texted me earlier telling me she was thinking about our kiss last night.

Well if she shared a kiss with you, she undoubtedly shares kisses with her other guy(s). Are you happy to go on dates with someone who is kissing other guys at the weekend? I wouldn't be. I am a "one at a time" kind of guy and would not date someone who is multi-dating.

[Redhead14]

I understand but to me it just causes frustration and confusion. Multiple dating is time consuming. If I'm always playing the revolving door, I'll still be hitting up dating sites, wondering who likes who, etc.

 

 

I told her today I'm not into it. I'm not going to keep talking and seeing you if I have to sit back and wonder if I'm in this lame competition. I get its only been one date. I'm not expecting anything overnight. But I'm certainly not going to see you on Tues and another on Wed. How is that fair to anyone?

 

 

People get burned enough as it is. I'm not doing it.

 

How is it fair that if I go out on one date with you, that I'm now committed to seeing you again?

[BlueIris]

I understand but to me it just causes frustration and confusion. Multiple dating is time consuming. If I'm always playing the revolving door, I'll still be hitting up dating sites, wondering who likes who, etc.

 

 

I told her today I'm not into it. I'm not going to keep talking and seeing you if I have to sit back and wonder if I'm in this lame competition. I get its only been one date. I'm not expecting anything overnight. But I'm certainly not going to see you on Tues and another on Wed. How is that fair to anyone?

 

 

People get burned enough as it is. I'm not doing it.

 

Fair enough. You have every right to choose to do what you want. If you can't tolerate competition (yes, there IS competition, if you want to see it that way) break it off. But you are expecting something overnight, and that's putting people and yourself into a pressure cooker- which is not fun or pleasant. You might want to think about why you need so much so soon from other people.

[Trenton100]

You cannot expect exclusivity after 1 meeting. This woman has made contact with other men while she was talking with you. She met you and liked you fine but she also made arrangements to meet maybe 1 or 2 other prospects and she will respect those arrangements. Who says she won't click better with prospect 2 or 3?

 

I multi-date up to 3-4 dates. Which is quite reasonable. After 3 dates I know which of the men I prefer to pursue further. It's also not too long so I don't feel I have been misleading the other 2 prospects.

 

If after 5 dates/1 month the man I am seeing insists on seeing other women then I know I did not capture his full attention and I let him free to pursue someone better suited for him.

 

I have met men that expected me to drop everything after 1 date, it felt possessive and manipulative. I am telling you, forget about a woman dropping everything after 1 meet. I have been on first meet that were great and the second one was train wreck! Give this gal a few dates and let her come to you on her own.

 

 

Some of us don't have the time and money to date 3-4 different people. That's kind of absurd.

 

 

I'm not asking anyone to drop everything. I'm simply saying I would rather date one person at a time. I don't want to get to know bits and pieces of people when I can get to know a single person much more.

 

 

If you like shopping, go for it. This idea that "someone is always better around the corner" is completely counter productive to the cause IMO.

[Trenton100]

Fair enough. You have every right to choose to do what you want. If you can't tolerate competition (yes, there IS competition, if you want to see it that way) break it off. But you are expecting something overnight, and that's putting people and yourself into a pressure cooker- which is not fun or pleasant. You might want to think about why you need so much so soon from other people.

 

 

See, that's the problem...I'm not expecting anything overnight. I simply see nothing wrong with getting to know one person at a time.

[787Dreamliner]

I hope you enjoy single-hood. This is 2015 and it's how it's done nowadays.

 

 

 

It may be 2015 but that doesn't mean multi-dating is right. Good luck to you, hope you get a taste of your own medicine.

[Trenton100]

I hope you enjoy single-hood. This is 2015 and it's how it's done nowadays.

 

 

**** this statement. I was married for 14 years. Are you single?

 

 

If so, are you seriously going to tell me your way is better than mine?

[PegNosePete]

How is it fair that if I go out on one date with you, that I'm now committed to seeing you again?

Why do people always assume the opposite of multi-dating, is making some huge kind of commitment from the first meeting?

 

The opposite of multi-dating, serial dating, simply means, "I will not date anyone else until I have decided whether or not I want to date you again".

 

That's all. No commitment, no promises, no marriage! Just deciding yay or nay on person 1 before moving on to person 2.

[Trenton100]

How is it fair that if I go out on one date with you, that I'm now committed to seeing you again?

 

LOL, maybe if some of you girls didn't take everything as this drop all and be committed, we wouldn't have this problem.

 

 

Christ..why does dating one person at a time = you must be obligated?

[central]

Some people prefer to date one at a time, some prefer to multidate. Personally, I prefer to multidate when I have the option, and don't care if those I'm meeting are doing the same.

 

You've only met once. You have no basis for a commitment, and you are both free to do as you wish. If you continue to hit it off after a few dates, you have the option of asking her to be exclusive. If she feels the same, she'll probably agree. If not, at that point you're better off moving on.

 

Dating is for meeting and evaluating people for a potential relationship. Until you become (or are about to become) sexual, you have no reason for exclusivity, IMO. However, if it bothers you too much, just move on now - you may miss out on a great match, but you'll never actually see her as such if you are bothered by her dating style.

[BlueIris]

What are you so upset about OP? Do you think she’s upset? Likely not. She hasn’t attached and gotten possessive and indignant about a virtual stranger.

 

Indignation and frustration after ONE date is not a good sign at all. It is really unwise to get so attached so quickly. Move on. Let it go. Leave her alone. Find a woman who thinks like you do.

 

If you’re doing OLD, definitely put this in your profile so that women know your position on it and if they aren’t on the same page, they’ll just decline a first date. Be honest and forthright, and avoid this situation.

[Trenton100]

I guess the road only goes one way. When a girl sends you selfies, tells you she's thinking about kissing you again, lets you know what she's always doing, then by no means am I right in thinking that she only want to see me.

 

Some of you woman want to have your cake and eat it too. I'm not buying it. If you can't handle seeing one person at a time, then you're more likely an attention whore than anything else.

[Trenton100]

What are you so upset about OP? Do you think she’s upset? Likely not. She hasn’t attached and gotten possessive and indignant about a virtual stranger.

 

Indignation and frustration after ONE date is not a good sign at all. It is really unwise to get so attached so quickly. Move on. Let it go. Leave her alone. Find a woman who thinks like you do.

 

If you’re doing OLD, definitely put this in your profile so that women know your position on it and if they aren’t on the same page, they’ll just decline a first date. Be honest and forthright, and avoid this situation.

 

So now I'm indignant? I'm upset? I'm attached?

 

Wow.