Person I'm seeing is multi-dating. How to handle?

[mysteryscape]

Don’t make that assumption. There is a HUGE difference. A kiss and hug, even prolonged, at the end of a date DOES not mean you’d have sex with the person. Clothes coming off? Hands up and down? Yeah, I might make that assumption too.

 

I agree there's a huge difference, but I absolutely would not agree that multikissers are no more likely to be sleeping around.

[PhoenixRysing]

Who’s lying? She didn’t lie. I don’t lie.

 

 

 

Yes, agreed that there are pros and cons. I’m not saying it’s “necessary” and I agree it’s a choice. Personally, I see no “pros” to quick exclusivity, but I don’t slam folks who do it. The “attention whore” comment by OP and his condemnation of a woman he went on one date with is what got my hackles up. He sees it as “absurd.” I see it as wise. And, in my experience, it really is a good jerk filter, as well as less draining.

 

“Exclusive” means something pretty big to me: that I’m investing in this, not just testing this.

 

Also it is a good jerk filter because people reveal the cracks in the facades in a couple of months, usually. If you aren’t exclusive, you don’t emotionally invest and IF jerkiness emerges, there isn’t a big break up drama. But if you see someone, say once or twice a week, converse on the phone a couple of times a week, you each get to know a lot more about each other before emotionally investing. Especially on OLD, where I don’t know the guy from Adam and there are too many smooth talkers with a sales pitches and slick facades, and there are women too that may appear to be something they aren’t, patience and detachment seem wise. You have no social context for someone on OLD. I'm not going to give up dating other men- and hope they keep dating too- after spending a few hours with a virtual stranger. But also, looks are NOT determinant to me, so I don't even know enough about him in a few hours to know if I like him.

 

Also, once exclusive, people are much more likely to want to have sex and I don’t have sex quickly. I tell men that early on, and some leave, but some stay and then pressure, get crabby and pissy. Honest, a lot do. Even the over-50 and over-60 set. So you give up dating other men in 1-3 month chunks to date someone exclusively only to find out he gets crabby-pissy, or bossy? Nah. Also, what if we get exclusive and emotionally attached and he decides he doesn’t like something really basic about me that he could have discovered while we were dating other people? What was the point of the exclusivity? He could have been dating other women during that time too.

 

So, instead of becoming exclusive, emotionally investing, maybe having sex, and THEN having to break-up once you really have a read on someone, I prefer to stay light for a few months. Some people don’t like it. Some find it easier and more fun. I’d far prefer to stay light and non-exclusive than go through the High > Low > High > Low that my friends who do serial monogamy do. Too tumultuous for me.

 

Also, I really do want men to be dating other women while they date me, to be comparing and pondering. If we do gel over time, and decide to become exclusive, we know much more what we’re getting, have seen some flaws and warts, and I think we’re both less likely to have GIGS later and are more likely to feel more confident in our decisions. And if he finds better, I want him to go with the better one.

 

 

 

Yeah! That! ^^^

 

 

I also don’t see it as unfortunate. When I was in high school (70’s) we dated more than one person before going steady. I went to three proms one year. No knickers in a twist. When my mom was in high school and college (40’s), they had dances and dance cards and men and women danced with more than one person even at a single dance, and then dated more than one person, and then decided to get pinned.

 

I bet this is boiling down to sex. I think people make out and have sex too fast now and that's the assumption and difference.

 

Blue Iris, I appreciate your perspective and I think you and I are not all that different. I do think you are right that sex/intimacy is a huge deciding factor for and the reason I don't multi-date. A lot of what you said sounds very similar to my own process.

 

One of the main differentiators between for me and some of the folks in this thread is that I don't do online dating. My dates tend to come from my social circle where friendships have already formed. In many cases, we have vetted each prior to ever reaching a romantic date proposition. As such, by the time I am on a date with someone, we are well and truly past the informal dance you describe (we've done the non-pinned dates ).

 

I never learned to adjust my romantic style for online dating either. I found the few times I did try OLD, it was too forced because I need that friendship period first - it is how I grow attraction.

 

That said, if I meet a guy in the real world and he wants to do something light and casual as you describe (no date vibe) I would not consider it multi-dating if he and I both had platonic 1:1 time with anyone else. After serious introspection from your post, I think for me it is about both intimacy (as you mentioned) and intention. If an man intends to date me, evaluate me as partner, and makes that intention known my courting me (asking me on a formal date), and I have reciprocal intent, then I would prefer we only see each other to evaluate that chance.

 

It does give me an interesting perspective about why I could not adjust to online dating as well. I was being pushed into the intimacy and intention phase without the friendship phase and it made me very uncomfortable. Not only that, I had a hard time wanting to pursue a second date because a 30 minute greet is not enough for me personally to develop attraction. Perhaps if I could use online dating to make friends and then let that develop later into a single commitment, I would be happier.

 

In other words, I don't think you and I are all that dissimilar, I have no issue with several platonic opposite sex friends, but once intent and intimacy is established, I need to focus.

 

I am not sure how to translate that to the world of OLD.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to point out that some of what we are all saying is almost an issue of symantecs. I don't think there is a clear cut line in multi-dating and serial monogamy based on the responses I have read in this thread.

 

Some folks multi-date and see multiple people in a very casual friends only mode.

 

Some folks are serially monogamous and have lots of platonic friends.

 

Some folks multi-date and are intimate with all dates (up to and including sex).

 

Some folks are serially monogamous and they cheat and do the same.

 

Ultimately, I think it is about clarity of intention, and the amount of intimacy that each of us is OK with outside of our dating partners. For me, once intention is established, I want intimacy focused on me and I want to do the same.

[idoltree]

I met my current guy online. We went exclusive on date 2. He's a little bit long distance so it's difficult to see one another, but it seems to be progressing toward a relationship.

 

In my experience, I'd have practical issues with not multi-dating. I, and many women, get a lot of messages from guys. So typically I'd be exchanging initial messages with one guy who interested me, be a few messages deep with another who interested me, and setting up a first date with another who interested me. And I may have gone on a first date with another guy in the meantime and would say "yes" if he asked me on a second, or I may have gone on a first date and not wanted a second.

 

In addition to being in multiple stages of getting to know guys online, it's a different ballgame meeting them in person. You can enjoy talking to someone and he can be a good match on paper, but maybe in person there is zero chemistry. I went out with one guy where I liked everything he had to say and he seemed to be a good match but I didn't have any attraction to him in person. Even his smell repelled me - he didn't smell bad and he was clean, his scent just didn't attract me. I didn't expect it, and I was disappointed that I wasn't attracted to him.

 

If I didn't multi-date, then how am I supposed to handle online dating? As soon as I get a message from one guy who I might be interested in, I'm supposed to yell "halt!" at the other guys? Only to then find out that we aren't a match, and then I'm supposed to awkwardly go dig out my older messages and say "oh, sorry I disappeared for a month", just ignore that and pick up where we left off? Because that's super-trustworthy behavior right there.

 

The first date is the first meeting, not a promise of mutual attraction. It's not like you've met someone, say, at a coffee shop, in person and then they ask you out and you can already reasonably know that you find them attractive in real life. You are setting eyes (and, in my case, nose) on the person for the very first time. First dates, to me, are to get an idea if there is even a possibility for the next date. It's not a guarantee and I've experienced guys flaking on me after the first date. Am I supposed to be morally outraged with them because we went out once so they owe me more?

 

I guess I don't understand why multi-dating is a threatening thing. I didn't kiss all my dates. When I find someone I like, I want to keep seeing him and if we agree to exclusivity I'll let the other guys I'm talking to know before I disable my profile.

 

I think what OP suggests works for people who don't get a lot of messages. The reality is that many women online get a ton of them, though I think men in metropolitan areas are probably also conversing with many women. In general, focusing on one person might be logistically easier for guys. If I were to focus on one man from the first message, it might be a month spent only to find out that I don't like the way he smells in real life. Then, I'm somehow supposed to triage those messages in my inbox, and figure out who the next candidate is, and leave the rest of the messages undisturbed? Or I'm supposed to disappear from conversations with others because I've got a first date lined up?

 

I have no idea how I'd online date without multi-dating. People who are threatened by it strike me as insecure, or wanting some sort of guarantee for their love life.

 

If I hit it off with one guy, the fact that I've been talking to/seeing others is not going to make me like him less or be less likely to be exclusive with him. And if someone expected exclusivity from me because we went on a first date, I'd be concerned about his confidence. However, if he chilled out and understood the reality that women online get approached more than men, and we went on a second date and he broached the subject of exclusivity then, I'd be open to it.

 

OP, if you're reading this and aren't going to be hostile to me because I have a different approach to managing my love life (the history in this thread leaves me a little wary), I think you should ask her out again and see if she's open to exclusivity at the end of the second date. What exactly is the problem with that? She's not necessarily a slut just because she's talking to other guys and going on some dates. She hasn't harmed or disrespected you. And she certainly hasn't (as far as we know) ruled out exclusivity with you.

[Rydo]

I agree there's a huge difference, but I absolutely would not agree that multikissers are no more likely to be sleeping around.

 

Multidaters are honest about where everyone stands. Out of all the girls I've dated they have all agreed that once it becomes sexual then it becomes one on one dating.

 

This doesn't really bother me and I would be happy to get to that point with all the girls that I'm dating but I choose to respect their rules. Plus it also means other forms of contraception than the usual can be considered if you are only having sex with one person.

[Trenton100]

I met my current guy online. We went exclusive on date 2. He's a little bit long distance so it's difficult to see one another, but it seems to be progressing toward a relationship.

 

In my experience, I'd have practical issues with not multi-dating. I, and many women, get a lot of messages from guys. So typically I'd be exchanging initial messages with one guy who interested me, be a few messages deep with another who interested me, and setting up a first date with another who interested me. And I may have gone on a first date with another guy in the meantime and would say "yes" if he asked me on a second, or I may have gone on a first date and not wanted a second.

 

In addition to being in multiple stages of getting to know guys online, it's a different ballgame meeting them in person. You can enjoy talking to someone and he can be a good match on paper, but maybe in person there is zero chemistry. I went out with one guy where I liked everything he had to say and he seemed to be a good match but I didn't have any attraction to him in person. Even his smell repelled me - he didn't smell bad and he was clean, his scent just didn't attract me. I didn't expect it, and I was disappointed that I wasn't attracted to him.

 

If I didn't multi-date, then how am I supposed to handle online dating? As soon as I get a message from one guy who I might be interested in, I'm supposed to yell "halt!" at the other guys? Only to then find out that we aren't a match, and then I'm supposed to awkwardly go dig out my older messages and say "oh, sorry I disappeared for a month", just ignore that and pick up where we left off? Because that's super-trustworthy behavior right there.

 

The first date is the first meeting, not a promise of mutual attraction. It's not like you've met someone, say, at a coffee shop, in person and then they ask you out and you can already reasonably know that you find them attractive in real life. You are setting eyes (and, in my case, nose) on the person for the very first time. First dates, to me, are to get an idea if there is even a possibility for the next date. It's not a guarantee and I've experienced guys flaking on me after the first date. Am I supposed to be morally outraged with them because we went out once so they owe me more?

 

I guess I don't understand why multi-dating is a threatening thing. I didn't kiss all my dates. When I find someone I like, I want to keep seeing him and if we agree to exclusivity I'll let the other guys I'm talking to know before I disable my profile.

 

I think what OP suggests works for people who don't get a lot of messages. The reality is that many women online get a ton of them, though I think men in metropolitan areas are probably also conversing with many women. In general, focusing on one person might be logistically easier for guys. If I were to focus on one man from the first message, it might be a month spent only to find out that I don't like the way he smells in real life. Then, I'm somehow supposed to triage those messages in my inbox, and figure out who the next candidate is, and leave the rest of the messages undisturbed? Or I'm supposed to disappear from conversations with others because I've got a first date lined up?

 

I have no idea how I'd online date without multi-dating. People who are threatened by it strike me as insecure, or wanting some sort of guarantee for their love life.

 

If I hit it off with one guy, the fact that I've been talking to/seeing others is not going to make me like him less or be less likely to be exclusive with him. And if someone expected exclusivity from me because we went on a first date, I'd be concerned about his confidence. However, if he chilled out and understood the reality that women online get approached more than men, and we went on a second date and he broached the subject of exclusivity then, I'd be open to it.

 

OP, if you're reading this and aren't going to be hostile to me because I have a different approach to managing my love life (the history in this thread leaves me a little wary), I think you should ask her out again and see if she's open to exclusivity at the end of the second date. What exactly is the problem with that? She's not necessarily a slut just because she's talking to other guys and going on some dates. She hasn't harmed or disrespected you. And she certainly hasn't (as far as we know) ruled out exclusivity with you.

 

I think my entire issue is I'm 40 and old school. I met my ex-wife (who is still my best friend) in person. There was no second guessing, multiple messages from multiple people, etc.

 

 

I did ask if we are going to exclusively date, in which case I found out she is talking to someone else even though it isn't "serious". She said she wanted to see me again and keep talking. I did online because I really don't have a network of people here. I live in the Philly area and it is ironic that with all the people and options, I feel like I have none.

 

 

If people want to do the multi thing, that's fine. I only get irritated when when people think because some of us want to date one person at a time, that we are looking to get married the next day.

[BlueIris]

PhoenixRysing, Yeah, OLD is a whole ‘nuther world! Geeze, I’m old and I did OLD, lordy… 15 years ago? I was a 39 year old single mom with primary custody of 2 kids, a house and a career eating up time, so that was my best option. I had a free weekend, 6 pm Friday to 6pm Sunday, every other week. I used to wedge in first “coffee dates” and show up sweaty and with dirt on my hands after mowing the lawn. lol Not asking for pity, just explaining how bizarre it was. Not normal.

 

What I found was that GENERALLY (not always) the quick-exclusive guys were quick-sex guys. Oh, they were just crazy about you and you were fabulous and there was so much chemistry, and I’d get all dazzled and my ego inflated, and after 6 weeks or so we’d have sex, and 2-3 months later, it was over. They wanted to get laid, but they called it exclusive and came on strong, and I fell for it, and then had hurt feelings or got mad. Or I’d be upset that they were still logging into the site. What a rollercoaster. It made me nuts. I WAS nuts.

 

So I’m not saying my way is the right way or the only way, but there are good reasons for it. And they aren’t promiscuous reasons. They’re the opposite of promiscuous reasons.

[mysteryscape]

 

I think what OP suggests works for people who don't get a lot of messages. The reality is that many women online get a ton of them, though I think men in metropolitan areas are probably also conversing with many women. In general, focusing on one person might be logistically easier for guys. If I were to focus on one man from the first message, it might be a month spent only to find out that I don't like the way he smells in real life. Then, I'm somehow supposed to triage those messages in my inbox, and figure out who the next candidate is, and leave the rest of the messages undisturbed? Or I'm supposed to disappear from conversations with others because I've got a first date lined up?

 

I have no idea how I'd online date without multi-dating.

 

Well, I'm a male and I get more than enough messages, for whatever reason. Yeah, you can triage them and come back to them. Guess what, it doesn't seem to bother me! A lot better than triaging people that I've multidated.

 

I don't like OLD and I don't feel comfortable with MD. I took up OLD because of the difficulty of meeting people in an appropriate age range in "real life." With some effort, I've learned -- fingers crossed -- to do OLD without making myself uneasy about MD and the like. By pretty much avoiding it. In fact, doing it that way seems to make things a lot easier for me.

[SummerDreams]

I met I don't know how many men that told me over a 1st meeting they were serious and ended up just wanting sex on 2nd date. What ever a man tells me over a 1st coffee means nothing to me. I need to meet him a few times and see how he treats me.

 

So yes, I had a few casual 1st meet while I had date 1-2-3 with first man. Then on 4th date I said to myself: This man is genuine! He's not after sex. I felt respected like I had not been in a long time. I also had time to listen to him talk about life, work, his children and I got totally seduced by his kindness, his calmness, and shyness. You don't see that over a 30 minute coffee.

 

 

I disagree. If a person is genuinely kind, honest, calm, truthful etc I personally don't need 3 or4 dates to figure it out. I consider myself a good people reader so I can understand him in the first date. Plus, and I know it may seem arrogant, but I do know what question I'll ask and what subjects I'll talk about in order to "push" him into showing his true character early on. Oh I definitely do not need more than one date to know if we are compatible that's why I give no second chances. I know I may sound like a b&tch and I am sorry but I do feel I can read people well so there is no point in prolonging the inevitable in some cases.

[mysteryscape]

Not asking for pity, just explaining how bizarre it was. Not normal.

 

What I found was that GENERALLY (not always) the quick-exclusive guys were quick-sex guys. Oh, they were just crazy about you and you were fabulous and there was so much chemistry, and I’d get all dazzled and my ego inflated, and after 6 weeks or so we’d have sex, and 2-3 months later, it was over. They wanted to get laid, but they called it exclusive and came on strong, and I fell for it, and then had hurt feelings or got mad. Or I’d be upset that they were still logging into the site. What a rollercoaster. It made me nuts. I WAS nuts.

 

Unilateral disarmament! As someone I can't remember calls it. I learned long ago that what you describe isn't worth it for me as a male.

[BlueIris]

Plus, and I know it may seem arrogant, but I do know what question I'll ask and what subjects I'll talk about in order to "push" him into showing his true character early on. Oh I definitely do not need more than one date to know if we are compatible that's why I give no second chances. I know I may sound like a b&tch and I am sorry but I do feel I can read people well so there is no point in prolonging the inevitable in some cases.

 

Not at all arrogant or bitchy! Smart! Learning what to ask is essential. Listening instead of flirting are key. Watch, listen. I was such a swooning mark, I had no idea what I was doing at first. I fell for such crap it's stunning in retrospect.

[losangelena]

If I were to focus on one man from the first message, it might be a month spent only to find out that I don't like the way he smells in real life. Then, I'm somehow supposed to triage those messages in my inbox, and figure out who the next candidate is, and leave the rest of the messages undisturbed? Or I'm supposed to disappear from conversations with others because I've got a first date lined up?

 

I have no idea how I'd online date without multi-dating. People who are threatened by it strike me as insecure, or wanting some sort of guarantee for their love life.

 

If I hit it off with one guy, the fact that I've been talking to/seeing others is not going to make me like him less or be less likely to be exclusive with him. And if someone expected exclusivity from me because we went on a first date, I'd be concerned about his confidence. However, if he chilled out and understood the reality that women online get approached more than men, and we went on a second date and he broached the subject of exclusivity then, I'd be open to it.

 

This, yes exactly this. This is how I conducted myself doing online dating and it worked out reasonably well. I'd like to disabuse people of the notion that all multi-daters are thoughtless, emotionally careless slags who will open their legs to whoever come along next. Many of them are genuinely seeking a meaningful relationship and this is their current chosen method of looking. When I multi-dated, I tried to be very careful of others' time and emotions and kept things light as possible for the first few dates. I didn't engage in game playing.

 

With all due respect, OP, if you are uncomfortable with your date's methods, then I wouldn't spend more time with her. I went out a couple of times with a guy who, upon learning he wasn't my only prospect, got defensive and cited his dislike of "competition," which honestly was something of a turn-off for me. I'm not some prize for men to compete over and win. I'm a full-fledged human being who gets a say in who I decide to proceed with. I didn't see that man again. Probably more because he seemed to have a sense of entitlement over me (which OP, I'm not suggesting is going on with you).

 

Anyway—to each their own in the dating game!

[mysteryscape]

I did ask if we are going to exclusively date, in which case I found out she is talking to someone else even though it isn't "serious". She said she wanted to see me again and keep talking. I did online because I really don't have a network of people here. I live in the Philly area and it is ironic that with all the people and options, I feel like I have none.

 

You mean you asked the person you have been seeing? Or was this your ex-wife? I am confused.

 

Did you drop the person you were seeing or are you still talking with her? Have you resolved your concerns/uneasiness?

 

I don't think you should feel that you have no options. I totally get it about how weird OLD seems to those of us who came of age in a different world. But I do think you can learn (with some painful effort) to navigate it in a way that gives you what you want.

 

In fact, I'll say it again, I think you'll find quite a few women who will like your approach once they understand where you're coming from.

 

Amen about "dating only one person" not = I want to get married.

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't multi-date, and the men I've dated from OLD don't, either. I find the idea of being flirtatious with and kissing more than one guy at a time (or dating a guy who's doing it) gross. If I learned a guy was doing this, I'd drop him immediately.

[Trenton100]

I sent a long winded text describing my traits along with my position on the dating thing.

 

She told me she loves the fact I'm that open and wants to see me again.

 

I'm going to try one more time.

[mysteryscape]

In fact, for what it's worth, here's my experience with one of the voluntary match questions on OKCupid.

 

It asks something like "when not in a serious relationship, do you prefer dating more than one person, dating one person at a time, or do you only do serious relationships."

 

At least of the files I have checked out, in my more or less age appropriate (middle age to older middle age), the vast majority, maybe 9/10 or close to it, answer "one person at a time."

 

Among other things, this tells me that MD is not what most women want.

[Trenton100]

You mean you asked the person you have been seeing? Or was this your ex-wife? I am confused.

 

Did you drop the person you were seeing or are you still talking with her? Have you resolved your concerns/uneasiness?

 

I don't think you should feel that you have no options. I totally get it about how weird OLD seems to those of us who came of age in a different world. But I do think you can learn (with some painful effort) to navigate it in a way that gives you what you want.

 

In fact, I'll say it again, I think you'll find quite a few women who will like your approach once they understand where you're coming from.

 

Amen about "dating only one person" not = I want to get married.

 

No no the person Im seeing. God no with my ex-wife. Oh no. No. Just no. Like no.

[mysteryscape]

I find the idea of being flirtatious with and kissing more than one guy at a time (or dating a guy who's doing it) gross. If I learned a guy was doing this, I'd drop him immediately.

 

Ruby, even I have little trouble with innocent flirting! But completely agree about the kissing. That is probably where I draw the line, from long experience I know that if I'm even that intimate -- a good kiss is anything but just a kiss! -- I want it to be 1:1. And if it's not, it soon leads to trouble, for one or both parties.

[Trenton100]

The one thing that I do consider, she was with the same person for 13 years. Maybe like me, she's cautious. She did get off the site. I don't know. I want to see her again but I don't want to be burned. I've had dates where I was not excited the day after. This is different, or else I wouldn't have posted.

[mysteryscape]

The one thing that I do consider, she was with the same person for 13 years. Maybe like me, she's cautious. She did get off the site. I don't know. I want to see her again but I don't want to be burned. I've had dates where I was not excited the day after. This is different, or else I wouldn't have posted.

 

"Trust but verify."

 

As I have said, I think a lot of women on OLD, maybe most, want pretty much what you want, but they don't know how to navigate it, especially with all the pressure from the technology itself and the setup of the OLD sites -- remember, most of them make their money from keeping everyone in action with as many people as possible.

[mysteryscape]

 

That said, if I meet a guy in the real world and he wants to do something light and casual as you describe (no date vibe) I would not consider it multi-dating if he and I both had platonic 1:1 time with anyone else. After serious introspection from your post, I think for me it is about both intimacy (as you mentioned) and intention. If an man intends to date me, evaluate me as partner, and makes that intention known my courting me (asking me on a formal date), and I have reciprocal intent, then I would prefer we only see each other to evaluate that chance.

 

It does give me an interesting perspective about why I could not adjust to online dating as well. I was being pushed into the intimacy and intention phase without the friendship phase and it made me very uncomfortable. Not only that, I had a hard time wanting to pursue a second date because a 30 minute greet is not enough for me personally to develop attraction. Perhaps if I could use online dating to make friends and then let that develop later into a single commitment, I would be happier.

 

In other words, I don't think you and I are all that dissimilar, I have no issue with several platonic opposite sex friends, but once intent and intimacy is established, I need to focus.

 

I am not sure how to translate that to the world of OLD.

 

 

... and even in some spots even beautifully put, if I may say so.

 

As for how to translate what you want into OLD, I think maybe you have figured it out:

 

Perhaps if I could use online dating to make friends and then let that develop later into a single commitment, I would be happier.

 

Why not just put it into your profile? And then act in that way. You might find that a fair number of men would like that!

[idoltree]

I'm not some prize for men to compete over and win. I'm a full-fledged human being who gets a say in who I decide to proceed with. I didn't see that man again. Probably more because he seemed to have a sense of entitlement over me (which OP, I'm not suggesting is going on with you).

 

YES! There's sometimes this "candy store" aspect to online dating, where if a guy chooses you then he assumes that he's entitled to your interest. It drives me a little crazy.

[Trenton100]

"Trust but verify."

 

As I have said, I think a lot of women on OLD, maybe most, want pretty much what you want, but they don't know how to navigate it, especially with all the pressure from the technology itself and the setup of the OLD sites -- remember, most of them make their money from keeping everyone in action with as many people as possible.

 

 

Yeah it really is the backwards way of doing things. From what I know so far...if I met her in person by chance, I would probably like her regardless.

 

 

The only red flag has been the whole "I have been talking with someone else". But she still talks to me and doing it without me pushing it. I get a "good morning" when I wake up. She tells me what she's up to, etc. All unsolicited. She asks about my kid. I mean...she is obviously interested.

 

 

Maybe it is me after all. Let's be honest, I'm not an expert at this by any stretch of the imagination. I always give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

 

Bottom line: I dig this girl at the moment and it might end up burning me.

[mysteryscape]

 

The only red flag has been the whole "I have been talking with someone else".

Bottom line: I dig this girl at the moment and it might end up burning me.

 

Well, if you two are making out and she's still "talking with someone else" I would not like it in your shoes.

[idoltree]

I think my entire issue is I'm 40 and old school. I met my ex-wife (who is still my best friend) in person. There was no second guessing, multiple messages from multiple people, etc.

 

Trenton100, use this to your advantage, and put it in your profile. "I'm a bit old-school, and I don't like dating multiple people at once. I'm looking for a like-minded woman." Perhaps a woman will comment on this piece of your profile and give you an indication up front about her dating style. That's valuable information for you, and your dating style is good information for readers of your profile. And the best part is that you're not making demands, simply stating a preference, so it doesn't come off as pressure. (You'll still need to have the exclusivity conversation in person on the second or third date; never make assumptions that you're exclusive unless you've talked about it.)

 

Things were different with your ex-wife, because you knew her in person. Your first date wasn't a first meeting. That's how online is different, so you'll need to adjust your expectations and not read rejection where there isn't any.

 

And I have to say that it seems like your issue with multi-dating is one stemming from uncertainty and fear. There's really nothing to fear here. Even if a woman is exclusively dating you, she still may do something that disappoints you. There are no guarantees here, and I understand how that may feel intimidating after a divorce where you knew who "your person" was. In reality, it's only intimidating if you're looking for personal validation in dating. If you view it as sorting through the women out there to find the right one for you, it's not nearly as scary. You have personal preferences for whom you date and commit to, and so does the other person. Those don't always line up, and that's okay. It's still disappointing if you really liked the person, but it's not a measure of your value.

 

The key to successful online dating is confidence and luck. Approach this with confidence, even if a woman you're interested in is talking to others. It does not mean that she won't be willing to focus on you exclusively, just that you probably have to wait until the second or third date to do so.

 

I did ask if we are going to exclusively date, in which case I found out she is talking to someone else even though it isn't "serious". She said she wanted to see me again and keep talking. I did online because I really don't have a network of people here. I live in the Philly area and it is ironic that with all the people and options, I feel like I have none

She didn't rule you out. She said she was "talking to" someone else; maybe she's just exchanging messages with someone else. Couldn't this also be viewed as a positive in that she was honest with you about something she didn't have to be honest with you about? There's no way you'd know what she was up to.

 

Be confident here and don't rule her out just because there's another guy. Ask her on a second date, and at the end of the date - if you still like her - confidently state your case. "I'm a little old-school, and I'm interested in you. If we go on a third date, I want you to know that I'm not pursuing other women, and I'd like to know that you aren't either." Then she has the option to say yes or no, and it gives her time to think it over.

 

If people want to do the multi thing, that's fine. I only get irritated when when people think because some of us want to date one person at a time, that we are looking to get married the next day.

I don't think people think that. Dating exclusively is a commitment, though. It's a commitment to forsake others, and, again, if a woman is talking to other men when you ask for exclusivity, it means she has to tell those men goodbye. Those guys might get upset with her, so if things didn't ultimately work out with you, they may not be options for her in the future. In that way, it is a commitment.

 

Be confident in yourself and get a tougher skin, because that's the reality of online dating. Almost everyone has experienced rejection; instead of taking it personally, just know that person isn't the right one for you.

 

Even though I was talking to others, and got asked out right before I became exclusive with my guy, I liked him enough to be exclusive with him. He wasn't the most classically handsome I was talking to, he didn't have the most money, we just hit it off and I chose him. This can and will happen for you, too. You've just got to come across the right woman, and the more you online date, the higher your chances. Don't sabotage yourself from giving women a chance just because they're not exclusive right off the bat. Be patient, and you'll get your exclusivity.

Edited December 19, 2014 by idoltree

[mysteryscape]

Trenton100, use this to your advantage, and put it in your profile. "I'm a bit old-school, and I don't like dating multiple people at once. I'm looking for a like-minded woman." Perhaps a woman will comment on this piece of your profile and give you an indication up front about her dating style. That's valuable information for you, and your dating style is good information for readers of your profile. And the best part is that you're not making demands, simply stating a preference, so it doesn't come off as pressure.

 

I think this is good advice you give him, but I don't think the rest is. You're still trying to .... pressure? ..... him into doing something he doesn't seem to feel good about.

 

Does he have issues of fear? Well, there's a lot to be fearful about in this business! And it could be and is said about the multidaters that they have issues of fear too.

 

Personally, I try to gauge my instincts in these matters by what I think my sister's instincts would be. When mine seem to differ from hers, I tend to do a reality check.

 

So: if my sister were not married (she is) and she was seeing some guy who was enjoying making out with her, but he was "talking to" someone else in a dating sort of way, and he says "but not seriously" -- I would tell sis, yellow flag! And maybe tell him to get serious or move on.