BlueIris Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 I guess the road only goes one way. When a girl sends you selfies, tells you she's thinking about kissing you again, lets you know what she's always doing, then by no means am I right in thinking that she only want to see me. Some of you woman want to have your cake and eat it too. I'm not buying it. If you can't handle seeing one person at a time, then you're more likely an attention whore than anything else. Oh, stop the berating "you women" thing. Plenty of emotionally resilient, confident and secure men date more than one person at a time too, because they don't want to end up exclusive with a jerk any more than women do. Hey, make it clear this is how you feel, right in your profile, and you can control your own destiny, and then you won't have to go on a "you women" and "the injustice of the universe" rant ever ever again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 How is it fair that if I go out on one date with you, that I'm now committed to seeing you again? You're not, you're free to see him or not. Ditto with him. It sounds like he made his choice. Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 I guess the road only goes one way. When a girl sends you selfies, tells you she's thinking about kissing you again, lets you know what she's always doing, then by no means am I right in thinking that she only want to see me. . How perverse of you to think that she wouldn't be doing the same with other men at the same time. I'll bet that next you'll be thinking she's insincere or something. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Plenty of emotionally resilient, confident and secure men date more than one person at a time too, because they don't want to end up exclusive with a jerk any more than women do. I don't see ow multi-dating is necessary to avoid ending up exclusive with a jerk. Exclusive is not that hard to get out of after all, it's not like you're married. If you find out the person is a jerk after 1, 2, 3, 5 or 10 dates then you don't see them again. Whether or not you're seeing other people simultaneously is totally irrelevant to that process. Whether or not you multi-date is a personal choice, and there are pros and cons of each one. But the reasons you've given here (to avoid ending up "exclusive" with a jerk) are a bit ridiculous if you think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Ask her out again. If she liked you enough, she'll go out with you again and maybe again and then decide to focus on you. You never know. Take the leap. You might find after the second date that you don't like he enough anyway. It's a process, not an event. Why should he bother? He'd be better off finding someone on the same page. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillmind Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 I'm a woman and I've never multi-dated. I don't think dating one person at a time is a deep commitment to exclusivity. If we dated once and liked each other enough to make plans for another date, I wasn't going to date other people in the meantime. I might keep my eyes open for other possibilities if I was on a dating site, but I wouldn't make arrangements to meet. On the other hand if I could tell right away that I was uninterested in Guy #1, I would drop him like a hot potato and move on without a second date. From my POV, I wouldn't want to waste my time getting to know someone who may be having sex with other people. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRysing Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 How is it fair that if I go out on one date with you, that I'm now committed to seeing you again? I don't think that is what Trenton is saying. Forgive me Trenton if I misunderstand you but I don't see you putting any pressure or expectation on her. You are instead saying that you are uncomfortable dating someone who is dating someone else. It is her choice to agree with you or to move on and continue doing what she is comfortable with. Further she is not committed to seeing you again if she isn't interested. For me, another non-multi-dater throwback (same as you married for 10 years and now divorced and dating again), I just don't operate that way. If I am interested in a guy, I want to fully explore that with no confounding factors, no comparisons to other men, just focused exploration of whatever connection we have. It is not commitment, it is not exclusivity or lable, it is focused attention. If I don't find someone attractively intringuing enough to focus on, I simply don't date them. I might hang out with them in a group of friends or something equally non-date like. But once a man is investing time and attention in me, I want to do the same for him. I don't personally feel I can give him that if several other men are competing for my headspace or my heart. I also don't feel it is too much to ask to date only one person even if I do find out in a few weeks or months that we are not compatible. That is what dating is. I don't feel it as a loss or think I should have kept my options more open. Conversely, I feel like I truly paid attention to our compatibility, goals, and comfort. I am comforted knowing that I gave a man my undivided attention and through careful consideration decided we were not a good fit. I recognize this about myself and I comfortable with it. That said, I won't lie to you, as others have mentioned, it further limits my dating pool. Most people do seem to multi-date now and tend to interpret my choice (as some here have interpreted yours) as an unfair expectation of early commitment (even needy to some). I don't view it that way but appreciate their position. Ultimately, I know what I need and what I am capable of and thus I don't date around. Interestingly, I have found that when I have drawn the line for myself but not held my dates to the same expectation, later I find that our views tend to not line up in other areas as well. I am a throwback to old-school mentality at this point. I know that. I guess I am looking for another throwback - few and far between though we may be. You don't have to change your view at all, I haven't and I won't. But do expect that your dating options will be further limited by it. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 If you like shopping, go for it. This idea that "someone is always better around the corner" is completely counter productive to the cause IMO. Trenton, try it out with her. Next time she goes in for the big smooch, just let your mind imagine her doing it with someone else the night before or the night after. Use your imagination! You'll get a glow like you've never had before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trenton100 Posted December 19, 2014 Author Share Posted December 19, 2014 I don't think that is what Trenton is saying. Forgive me Trenton if I misunderstand you but I don't see you putting any pressure or expectation on her. You are instead saying that you are uncomfortable dating someone who is dating someone else. It is her choice to agree with you or to move on and continue doing what she is comfortable with. Further she is not committed to seeing you again if she isn't interested. For me, another non-multi-dater throwback (same as you married for 10 years and now divorced and dating again), I just don't operate that way. If I am interested in a guy, I want to fully explore that with no confounding factors, no comparisons to other men, just focused exploration of whatever connection we have. It is not commitment, it is not exclusivity or lable, it is focused attention. If I don't find someone attractively intringuing enough to focus on, I simply don't date them. I might hang out with them in a group of friends or something equally non-date like. But once a man is investing time and attention in me, I want to do the same for him. I don't personally feel I can give him that if several other men are competing for my headspace or my heart. I also don't feel it is too much to ask to date only one person even if I do find out in a few weeks or months that we are not compatible. That is what dating is. I don't feel it as a loss or think I should have kept my options more open. Conversely, I feel like I truly paid attention to our compatibility, goals, and comfort. I am comforted knowing that I gave a man my undivided attention and through careful consideration decided we were not a good fit. I recognize this about myself and I comfortable with it. That said, I won't lie to you, as others have mentioned, it further limits my dating pool. Most people do seem to multi-date now and tend to interpret my choice (as some here have interpreted yours) as an unfair expectation of early commitment (even needy to some). I don't view it that way but appreciate their position. Ultimately, I know what I need and what I am capable of and thus I don't date around. Interestingly, I have found that when I have drawn the line for myself but not held my dates to the same expectation, later I find that our views tend to not line up in other areas as well. I am a throwback to old-school mentality at this point. I know that. I guess I am looking for another throwback - few and far between though we may be. You don't have to change your view at all, I haven't and I won't. But do expect that your dating options will be further limited by it. THIS. 100%. All the way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 It is not commitment, it is not exclusivity or lable, it is focused attention. If I don't find someone attractively intringuing enough to focus on, I simply don't date them. I might hang out with them in a group of friends or something equally non-date like. But once a man is investing time and attention in me, I want to do the same for him. I don't personally feel I can give him that if several other men are competing for my headspace or my heart. Well said, Phoenix. I would just add that in my opinion, it IS a type of limited or provisional commitment or exclusivity. So what's wrong with that? I'm not so sure that most people are doing the multidating thing. My guess is that most women at least prefer dating one person at a time even when they're not in a serious relationship. I've heard more than one say that they kind of feel forced into the multidating, whether they like it or not. Interesting point you make about finding that people who aren't with you on the multidating turn out to be incompatible in other ways. I am not surprised though. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 IMO, multidating is simply practical. If I'd single dated, and had to restart the find and meet process each time, it would have taken years to find the love of my life. By multidating, I was able to find a couple of near-ideal matches, and choose the best within a much shorter time frame. Single dating, IMO, leads you to invest too much in the one person you're seeing, so you have a greater chance of making a mistake versus the situation when you have options or at least comparisons. Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 I'm a woman and I've never multi-dated. I don't think dating one person at a time is a deep commitment to exclusivity. It's a limited, provisional commitment to "monogamy" with someone for as long as you hold each others' interest, nothing more or less. I learned long ago in college that if a girl was making out with someone else Thursday, I didn't want to be making out (or more) with her Saturday. I dropped somebody in a flash when that happened. It didn't require much thought, it was just instinctual. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trenton100 Posted December 19, 2014 Author Share Posted December 19, 2014 Oh, stop the berating "you women" thing. Plenty of emotionally resilient, confident and secure men date more than one person at a time too, because they don't want to end up exclusive with a jerk any more than women do. Hey, make it clear this is how you feel, right in your profile, and you can control your own destiny, and then you won't have to go on a "you women" and "the injustice of the universe" rant ever ever again. IMO, that's a piss poor excuse to do it. I don't want to be in a position to lie and manipulate just to better my chances. Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 By multidating, I was able to find a couple of near-ideal matches, and choose the best within a much shorter time frame. Had I been one of your "near ideal matches" I would have made the choice for you very quickly! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRysing Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 IMO, multidating is simply practical. If I'd single dated, and had to restart the find and meet process each time, it would have taken years to find the love of my life. By multidating, I was able to find a couple of near-ideal matches, and choose the best within a much shorter time frame. Single dating, IMO, leads you to invest too much in the one person you're seeing, so you have a greater chance of making a mistake versus the situation when you have options or at least comparisons. I agree with you and your logic. For me personally however, I have found that this sort of practicality comes at a cost - expendability. I don't like feeling like I am viewing a man as a trading card or one of many options that are near ideal. I actually prefer to over-invest. It makes me feel like I am spending the time to truly see the other person. Will that mean I am hurt more often - likely. I just chose to embrace that because the gain for me is having time well spent truly seeing another person. Studies have shown that no-one can truly multi-task. For me multi-dating is like that. I don't feel I can truly be present on a date with a man if in the back of my mind I am comparing him to the date the night before. It is just how I am wired. I want to have butterflies, and "OMG-what-if-he's-the one" thoughts. I want to be curious about what he'd doing when he's not with me. I enjoy the dance of slow increases of time spent together. I don't want to trade that for keeping myself occupied with another man. Just a personal preference. As someone else mentioned, there are pros and cons to both methods. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 I hope you enjoy single-hood. This is 2015 and it's how it's done nowadays. I hate this. I really do. I hate the mentality of "Well this is how everyone does it, conform to that or else". I get what you're saying but a lot of us don't necessarily have to agree nor conform to this. This is NOT how it's done nowadays by everyone. If OP doesn't want to conform to that, he doesn't have to, but he doesn't need to be condemned for his choices either. There's nothing wrong with setting a standard and abiding by it, even if you don't agree. His concern is a legitimate one. But now I know that if a woman ever voices her opinion for multi-dating, I can just say, "Hey, it's 2015 and this is how it's done nowadays." 8 Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Another multidating war flaming here today! I'm from the old school. I would be more supportive of the multidating "ethic" if I thought that I saw it was improving romantic relations. I don't see that it is. If anything, relations between the sexes continue to deteriorate. The hatred and cynicism that I hear from many young men is amazing to me! I'm sure it's always been that way to some extent, but I think something has really changed in the past few years. I think one thing that changed long, long ago was the coming of the easy availability of sex. Meaning anything from kissing to full sexual relations is far more available, and expected far sooner, than in the old days. So, in the old days, people tended to "date as friends" to use a quaint and somewhat misleading term that a few people still use today. There was often a kind of "multidating." Mary might be seeing you tonight and Bill tomorrow night, but the level of sexual behavior was much lower or nonexistent. But physical involvement at any level tended to be associated with an expectation of exclusivity. So, in the case of Trenton, she would not be making out with him, talking about how much she looked forward to the next session, whilst doing the same with Joe on different nights. I think it made for a lower level of anxiety and hostility. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillmind Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 IMO, multidating is simply practical. If I'd single dated, and had to restart the find and meet process each time, it would have taken years to find the love of my life. By multidating, I was able to find a couple of near-ideal matches, and choose the best within a much shorter time frame. Single dating, IMO, leads you to invest too much in the one person you're seeing, so you have a greater chance of making a mistake versus the situation when you have options or at least comparisons. I don't think dating one person at a time is any less practical than multi-dating. Instead of simultaneously dating Person A, B, and C, and trying to weigh them against one another, I would rather date one person at a time and only choose to continue dating them if I sense genuine potential. I think of multi-dating as a kind of "wait and see" approach, and that just doesn't fit my personality at all. I was never interested in casual dating and would drop someone immediately if I could tell that the relationship had no potential. To me, casually dating several people seems like an enormous waste of time and energy. I would rather date one person, decide critically whether it is worth pursuing, and if there IS something genuine there then I would like to focus my attention on that person and have them focus their dating attention on me. I don't think either approach is more valid. They are just different dating styles. I would hate being forced into multi-dating where a multi-dater might feel stifled dating one person at a time. Neither one is the superior option, they are just different approaches that work better for different people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Had I been one of your "near ideal matches" I would have made the choice for you very quickly! As in dumping me? LOL I'd have greatly appreciated that, as it would help narrow the field by eliminating truly incompatible people. Besides, I'd have had another ideal match, so no tears. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 **** this statement. I was married for 14 years. Are you single? If so, are you seriously going to tell me your way is better than mine? I was married 15 years what does it have to do with anything? I have been single for 10 years and been online dating for 3. If you don't want the advice of a woman that's has experience with online dating then too bad. When I started it I felt just like you. I I thought it's simple, you like me, I like you, we date. Well, 3 years later let me tell you, I have lost my beginners naivety. I was mislead, lied to, I made all the mistakes like believing everything I was told, putting hopes in 1 meeting, thinking if we have sex we're exclusive, I have learn the hard way. I see you are not open to hear from people who've been down that path before you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 As in dumping me? LOL I'd have greatly appreciated that, as it would help narrow the field by eliminating truly incompatible people. Besides, I'd have had another ideal match, so no tears. You got it. And no tears at all! By the way -- would you care to tell us -- how are things going now with your "near ideal match"? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 I hate this. I really do. I hate the mentality of "Well this is how everyone does it, conform to that or else". I get what you're saying but a lot of us don't necessarily have to agree nor conform to this. This is NOT how it's done nowadays by everyone. If OP doesn't want to conform to that, he doesn't have to, but he doesn't need to be condemned for his choices either. There's nothing wrong with setting a standard and abiding by it, even if you don't agree. His concern is a legitimate one. But now I know that if a woman ever voices her opinion for multi-dating, I can just say, "Hey, it's 2015 and this is how it's done nowadays." How do you think I have learn it's how it's done nowadays? I am out there and I have been hit on the nose more times than I can remember. I am not saying it's the best way to proceed, I am saying it's how it is now unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 I don't think dating one person at a time is any less practical than multi-dating. Instead of simultaneously dating Person A, B, and C, and trying to weigh them against one another, I would rather date one person at a time and only choose to continue dating them if I sense genuine potential. This is where I see the problem. Many people have potential. There are many good things about most people you'd want to date for a length of time. The problem is, potential often does not transition to reality, and you find (sometimes too late, as in post-marriage) that your hopes for that potential are never realized. If you've dated a lot of people - single dating or multi-dating - you at least have some basis for your decisions. If you haven't dated a lot, your basis for choosing is often going to lack depth and quality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 I hate this. I really do. I hate the mentality of "Well this is how everyone does it, conform to that or else". It's a kind of "political correctness" of the current dating scene. It is especially prevalent among the more hip, or those who think they are. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 From my POV, I wouldn't want to waste my time getting to know someone who may be having sex with other people. Who said multi-dating means having sex with anyone? Who said if you don't date you're not having sex? You think because you meet a man that is not multi-dating he's not having sex! Link to post Share on other sites
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