Person I'm seeing is multi-dating. How to handle?

[mysteryscape]

I am not saying it's the best way to proceed, I am saying it's how it is now unfortunately.

 

Ah, so you say it is "unfortunate."

 

How would you like things to be in a semi-ideal world?

[mysteryscape]

thinking if we have sex we're exclusive

 

Some woman writer long ago called this "unilateral disarmament."

[PegNosePete]

I am not saying it's the best way to proceed, I am saying it's how it is now unfortunately.

One of my favourite sayings: be the change you want to see.

Also: if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

[Trenton100]

I was married 15 years what does it have to do with anything?

 

I have been single for 10 years and been online dating for 3. If you don't want the advice of a woman that's has experience with online dating then too bad.

 

When I started it I felt just like you. I I thought it's simple, you like me, I like you, we date. Well, 3 years later let me tell you, I have lost my beginners naivety. I was mislead, lied to, I made all the mistakes like believing everything I was told, putting hopes in 1 meeting, thinking if we have sex we're exclusive, I have learn the hard way. I see you are not open to hear from people who've been down that path before you.

 

Single for ten years. I've been single for six months. So again...

 

Your way works better than mine?

[stillmind]

This is where I see the problem. Many people have potential. There are many good things about most people you'd want to date for a length of time. The problem is, potential often does not transition to reality, and you find (sometimes too late, as in post-marriage) that your hopes for that potential are never realized.

 

If you've dated a lot of people - single dating or multi-dating - you at least have some basis for your decisions. If you haven't dated a lot, your basis for choosing is often going to lack depth and quality.

 

Personally when I was dating I was extremely critical and tried to be objective before making any kind of emotional investment. I found it generally quite easy to determine whether someone had no long term potential. Before I ever started dating my husband (we were platonic friends first) we had many long dry discussions to suss out any potential incompatibilities because neither one of us was interested in emotionally investing in a crap relationship. Maybe that's weird, I don't know. It worked for us.

[central]

You got it. And no tears at all!

 

By the way -- would you care to tell us -- how are things going now with your "near ideal match"?

 

It's 15 years later, and she has turned out to be even more wonderful than I could have anticipated, and I was very, very sure back then. I am also her ideal match. We are even more in love, and the chemistry has never faded. I can honestly say that neither of us has ever known anyone with a better, happier, more fulfilling relationship.

 

I have stayed friends with the other two excellent matches from back then, and they have become OUR friends. It is clear in retrospect that as good as they were and we were together, we are better as friends than as mates (BTW, they were dating others, too). Having the opportunity to compare made for a better choice, whereas without that, we could have made a mistake, or at least not as good a choice.

[Gaeta]

Ah, so you say it is "unfortunate."

 

How would you like things to be in a semi-ideal world?

 

Yes it's unfortunate. I would like 'you like me I like you lets get to know each other'. I know it's not how it's done by 90% of people out there.

 

The best I can come to is 3-4 dates then seal the deal or move on. And someone mentioned about not having the time and money to do that. To me a date is to get together, I don't need to be wined and dined. We can do a sport together or even go xmas shopping together so I can see how you treat me and how you treat others. And no sex. I already know men have d!cks I need to know about your character and your temper.

 

I am seeing someone currently. We met online. We saw each other I'd say 4-5 times then I deleted my profile because he really captured my attention after a few dates and I didn't feel like meeting anyone else. On his end he did the same thing maybe a week after. He saw I was not on there anymore and he deleted his. We did not ask this to each other, it happened naturally.

 

That tells me we are seeing each other because we picked one another not because we just happened to be single and looking.

 

And guess what? No sex involved in any of this. There is a way of multi-dating that is respectful to yourself and to others.

[mysteryscape]

And guess what? No sex involved in any of this. There is a way of multi-dating that is respectful to yourself and to others.

 

So, you were multi-dating while all this was going on?

[Gaeta]

Single for ten years. I've been single for six months. So again...

 

Your way works better than mine?

 

Are you reading my posts? I am telling you your way is not what most people are doing nowadays so you will have a hard time doing online dating.

 

It's not about my way being a better way.

 

I am offering you an alternative.

 

I don't like multi-daters, I don't like doing it either, but it's what most people do nowadays so an alternative is to go along with it for a very short period of times. My comfortable time-line is 3-4 dates. You pick yours. If in that short period of time I did not capture your full attention then I don't think I will catch it in 3-4 months. There are multi-daters out there that keep it going for months. I would never invest that type of time into someone without being exclusive.

 

I am simply telling you to open your mind and change that 1 date rule into a 3-4 dates rule.

[Trenton100]

So tell me, when I'm on FB and she says in a post that has nothing to do with me "who is the hottie? (hearts and winks) to a pic of another guy, the day after telling me how much she likes me....what should I think of that?

 

See...its not about instant commitment, its about character. Right there was enough for me to hit "unfriend" and stop talking to her. Obviously, I'm only half interesting and cute when its convenient.

 

**** that noise.

[Trenton100]

Are you reading my posts? I am telling you your way is not what most people are doing nowadays so you will have a hard time doing online dating.

 

It's not about my way being a better way.

 

I am offering you an alternative.

 

I don't like multi-daters, I don't like doing it either, but it's what most people do nowadays so an alternative is to go along with it for a very short period of times. My comfortable time-line is 3-4 dates. You pick yours. If in that short period of time I did not capture your full attention then I don't think I will catch it in 3-4 months. There are multi-daters out there that keep it going for months. I would never invest that type of time into someone without being exclusive.

 

I am simply telling you to open your mind and change that 1 date rule into a 3-4 dates rule.

 

I understand. Fair enough. I don't agree with it but I get what you're saying.

[mysteryscape]

what should I think of that?

 

 

What you should think is that she's not worth 2 seconds of your time. Forget her and move on.

 

This is somewhat (but not completely) different from the question of multidating.

 

One thing you need to learn pretty quickly in OLD especially is that there are a vast number of superficial or sleazy or just damaged people out there. Be hardboiled about them. Don't go gaga over someone you have just texted with. In fact, try not to have any feelings about them at all, because they are probably (but not always) texting with others, maybe many others. If you do see someone in person, hold back until you have reason to trust them. Talk about expectations early on. If you don't want to multidate, talk about it. If they don't like your way, move on. You are better off.

 

I am finding that this works better for me than when I was naive and starting out. But it's a tough, hard, nasty world of romance out there.

[Gaeta]

So, you were multi-dating while all this was going on?

 

I met I don't know how many men that told me over a 1st meeting they were serious and ended up just wanting sex on 2nd date. What ever a man tells me over a 1st coffee means nothing to me. I need to meet him a few times and see how he treats me.

 

So yes, I had a few casual 1st meet while I had date 1-2-3 with first man. Then on 4th date I said to myself: This man is genuine! He's not after sex. I felt respected like I had not been in a long time. I also had time to listen to him talk about life, work, his children and I got totally seduced by his kindness, his calmness, and shyness. You don't see that over a 30 minute coffee.

[mysteryscape]

I am offering you an alternative.

 

I don't like multi-daters, I don't like doing it either, but it's what most people do nowadays so an alternative is to go along with it for a very short period of times. My comfortable time-line is 3-4 dates.

 

So my way of dealing with it is to find out very early -- first date or even before -- what their rules are. I'm actually OK with seeing people who are multidaters, I just hold way back and please no sex, no making out, no emotional investment .....

 

Actually, since I changed my ways, I quickly found that the other partner was quite happy to do it my way, once they found out what page I was on. I don't have enough data points yet to say if this works in general.

 

I'm STILL not convinced that "most people" are doing it the multi way these days. Maybe more in big cities they are, where the people are in some ways more hardened. I still doubt that most people WANT it this way. I think to a large extent they're being pressured into it, including by the OLD companies (who make their money this way).

[Gaeta]

I'm STILL not convinced that "most people" are doing it the multi way these days. Maybe more in big cities they are,

 

I completely agree with this. I am in Montreal, 50% of adult population here is single. We are of French heritage and very liberal in general. Here you find strip bars next to Churches and no one sees anything wrong with it.

[mysteryscape]

 

So yes, I had a few casual 1st meet while I had date 1-2-3 with first man.

 

So for what it's worth, I had a couple of others scheduled for first or second meets -- somewhat by accident, and I didn't feel completely good about even this juggling -- when I really hit it off with someone on a first meet which turned into hours together. So I canceled the other meets. I just wouldn't have felt right about it. No regrets. If current things don't work out, I can always try the others again if I want to.

 

I think if I am doing this in the future, I'll line them up one at a time, unless we are already completely "friendzoned."

[Rydo]

I always multidate. I don't see a problem with doing it at all and would expect those I'm dating to be doing it too, I don't mind that. I don't mind if they kiss all the guys they are dating because my kiss will be better, I don't care if they like other guys pictures because they will like mine better.

 

Dating is a competition but it's a fun competition.

[mysteryscape]

. I don't mind if they kiss all the guys they are dating because my kiss will be better, I don't care if they like other guys pictures because they will like mine better.

 

Dating is a competition but it's a fun competition.

 

OK, but don't be surprised if they're sleeping around too!

[BlueIris]

IMO, that's a piss poor excuse to do it. I don't want to be in a position to lie and manipulate just to better my chances.

 

Who’s lying? She didn’t lie. I don’t lie.

 

I don't see ow multi-dating is necessary to avoid ending up exclusive with a jerk. Exclusive is not that hard to get out of after all, it's not like you're married. If you find out the person is a jerk after 1, 2, 3, 5 or 10 dates then you don't see them again. Whether or not you're seeing other people simultaneously is totally irrelevant to that process.

 

Whether or not you multi-date is a personal choice, and there are pros and cons of each one. But the reasons you've given here (to avoid ending up "exclusive" with a jerk) are a bit ridiculous if you think about it.

 

Yes, agreed that there are pros and cons. I’m not saying it’s “necessary” and I agree it’s a choice. Personally, I see no “pros” to quick exclusivity, but I don’t slam folks who do it. The “attention whore” comment by OP and his condemnation of a woman he went on one date with is what got my hackles up. He sees it as “absurd.” I see it as wise. And, in my experience, it really is a good jerk filter, as well as less draining.

 

“Exclusive” means something pretty big to me: that I’m investing in this, not just testing this.

 

Also it is a good jerk filter because people reveal the cracks in the facades in a couple of months, usually. If you aren’t exclusive, you don’t emotionally invest and IF jerkiness emerges, there isn’t a big break up drama. But if you see someone, say once or twice a week, converse on the phone a couple of times a week, you each get to know a lot more about each other before emotionally investing. Especially on OLD, where I don’t know the guy from Adam and there are too many smooth talkers with a sales pitches and slick facades, and there are women too that may appear to be something they aren’t, patience and detachment seem wise. You have no social context for someone on OLD. I'm not going to give up dating other men- and hope they keep dating too- after spending a few hours with a virtual stranger. But also, looks are NOT determinant to me, so I don't even know enough about him in a few hours to know if I like him.

 

Also, once exclusive, people are much more likely to want to have sex and I don’t have sex quickly. I tell men that early on, and some leave, but some stay and then pressure, get crabby and pissy. Honest, a lot do. Even the over-50 and over-60 set. So you give up dating other men in 1-3 month chunks to date someone exclusively only to find out he gets crabby-pissy, or bossy? Nah. Also, what if we get exclusive and emotionally attached and he decides he doesn’t like something really basic about me that he could have discovered while we were dating other people? What was the point of the exclusivity? He could have been dating other women during that time too.

 

So, instead of becoming exclusive, emotionally investing, maybe having sex, and THEN having to break-up once you really have a read on someone, I prefer to stay light for a few months. Some people don’t like it. Some find it easier and more fun. I’d far prefer to stay light and non-exclusive than go through the High > Low > High > Low that my friends who do serial monogamy do. Too tumultuous for me.

 

Also, I really do want men to be dating other women while they date me, to be comparing and pondering. If we do gel over time, and decide to become exclusive, we know much more what we’re getting, have seen some flaws and warts, and I think we’re both less likely to have GIGS later and are more likely to feel more confident in our decisions. And if he finds better, I want him to go with the better one.

 

IMO, multidating is simply practical. If I'd single dated, and had to restart the find and meet process each time, it would have taken years to find the love of my life. By multidating, I was able to find a couple of near-ideal matches, and choose the best within a much shorter time frame. Single dating, IMO, leads you to invest too much in the one person you're seeing, so you have a greater chance of making a mistake versus the situation when you have options or at least comparisons.

 

Yeah! That! ^^^

 

 

I also don’t see it as unfortunate. When I was in high school (70’s) we dated more than one person before going steady. I went to three proms one year. No knickers in a twist. When my mom was in high school and college (40’s), they had dances and dance cards and men and women danced with more than one person even at a single dance, and then dated more than one person, and then decided to get pinned.

 

I bet this is boiling down to sex. I think people make out and have sex too fast now and that's the assumption and difference.

[Rydo]

OK, but don't be surprised if they're sleeping around too!

 

It's no more likely than the person you are dating sleeping around.

 

And tbh it doesn't bother me.

 

You are confusing multi dating with promiscuity.

[mysteryscape]

 

I bet this is boiling down to sex. I think people make out and have sex too fast now and that's the assumption and difference.

 

I agree with you on this at least, my earlier post makes much the same point.

[mysteryscape]

It's no more likely than the person you are dating sleeping around.

 

Oh but I'm quite sure that it is. If they're kissing around, it's much more likely that they're sleeping around too.

[Rydo]

Oh but I'm quite sure that it is. If they're kissing around, it's much more likely that they're sleeping around too.

 

I disagree.

[BlueIris]

Oh but I'm quite sure that it is. If they're kissing around, it's much more likely that they're sleeping around too.

 

 

Don’t make that assumption. There is a HUGE difference. A kiss and hug, even prolonged, at the end of a date DOES not mean you’d have sex with the person. Clothes coming off? Hands up and down? Yeah, I might make that assumption too.

[SummerDreams]

I think that when it comes to dating things are or should be simple. We know what we want and the other person knows what they want,so we both set the rules accordingly to that. If multible dating is not accepted or wanted by you, then you should simply not accept it and stop seeing that person, no matter how attractive, smart or a good match she may seem. Apparently she is not a good match when your beliefs on this matter are opposite, is she? What I am trying to say is that we should be open to dating but set our rules and boundaries as well from the get go, or else we just give the other person the message that we could very easily change minds and be manipulated by them. Especially when there is a kid. What I suggest is stick to your beliefs and needs and spend the free time you have searching for a woman whose wants and beliefs are similar to your and vice versa rather than trying to change this woman you met cause you want it so much to work.