Person I'm seeing is multi-dating. How to handle?

[idoltree]

So: if my sister were not married (she is) and she was seeing some guy who was enjoying making out with her, but he was "talking to" someone else in a dating sort of way, and he says "but not seriously" -- I would tell sis, yellow flag! And maybe tell him to get serious or move on.

Just a simple observation - no judgment here - but in multiple posts you seem to be linking multi-daters to physicality and I don't think that reflects reality.

 

I multi-dated, but I went on plenty of first and second dates where we didn't even touch each other. Dating =/= promiscuity.

 

And if a guy wanted to get physical with me but exclusivity wasn't in the cards because he wanted to see other women, then he wasn't the right one for me and I wouldn't see him again. If we did a quick close mouthed kiss at the end of our first date, I would not be compelled to bring up exclusivity.

 

A woman talking to other men online or going on other dates does not mean that she's getting physical with others.

[mysteryscape]

I have to say, from my point of view at least this has been one of the better threads ever, especially of the never-ending-war-between-the-multidaters-and-the-monodaters variety. About 100 times better than the usual in explaining and trying to appreciate others' POV -- even if there is not complete or even near complete agreement.

 

Again, from my own POV, I have platonic and even not-completely-platonic -- is it ever really completely platonic, at least for men? -- "relationships" with women I consider friends, but not romantic partners. If seeing them 1 on 1 but again not with romantic intent is multidating, then I am quite guilty.

 

IRL and even in OLD (or whatever it would be called), it would be nice to be able to "go out" with someone of the opposite sex with no romantic expectations or intent getting in the way. I wish I had had more opportunities to do this earlier in life. Many a solo trip to a concert or a restaurant could have been more enjoyable. Maybe not realistic though, especially in our sex-oversaturated world.

[mysteryscape]

Just a simple observation - no judgment here - but in multiple posts you seem to be linking multi-daters to physicality and I don't think that reflects reality.

 

 

The OP brought up "physicality" and that is why I brought it in here.

 

See Ruby's post about multi-kissing, I am on the same page.

 

For me, physicality is part of it, but it's also romantic intent, see my post right below yours.

 

Maybe not all multidating involves "physicality" but a hell of a lot of it sure does, at least if the guys can get it, ask my young male friends, many of them are after anything they can get. And from what I hear, not so few older males too. In fact, one woman told me the old guys (but not yet finished!) are the worst.

[Gaeta]

The only red flag has been the whole "I have been talking with someone else". But she still talks to me and doing it without me pushing it. I get a "good morning" when I wake up. She tells me what she's up to, etc. All unsolicited. She asks about my kid. I mean...she is obviously interested.

 

My last 2 cents here as a woman.

 

Even though I multi-date, if I meet a man that really captures my attention there is NO WAY IN HELL I will tell him I am communicating with some other dudes!

 

If he ask me a direct question I will answer the truth but I will never ever, ever, volunteer the information I have other dates scheduled.

 

The ONLY reason I would do this is IF I meet a man and I feel he's into me much more than I am into him, and I want him to back off a little then yes I will tell him things like

 

1. I got other contacts I am exploring

2. I want to be friends

3. I want to take things slow.

 

These are all indications you are into her much more than she is into you.

[losangelena]

Even though I multi-date, if I meet a man that really captures my attention there is NO WAY IN HELL I will tell him I am communicating with some other dudes!

 

If he ask me a direct question I will answer the truth but I will never ever, ever, volunteer the information I have other dates scheduled.

 

The ONLY reason I would do this is IF I meet a man and I feel he's into me much more than I am into him, and I want him to back off a little then yes I will tell him things like

 

1. I got other contacts I am exploring

2. I want to be friends

3. I want to take things slow.

 

Same here.

[idoltree]

I have to say, from my point of view at least this has been one of the better threads ever, especially of the never-ending-war-between-the-multidaters-and-the-monodaters variety. About 100 times better than the usual in explaining and trying to appreciate others' POV -- even if there is not complete or even near complete agreement.

 

Agree! I thought I'd be ripped to shreds. Glad to see there is some polite discourse happening.

[mysteryscape]

Dating exclusively is a commitment, though. It's a commitment to forsake others, and, again, if a woman is talking to other men when you ask for exclusivity, it means she has to tell those men goodbye. Those guys might get upset with her, so if things didn't ultimately work out with you, they may not be options for her in the future. In that way, it is a commitment.

 

In my own recent case, I had to give up a couple of others, I'm not sure she did (and I don't care either way). As for me giving up the others, they didn't seem angry (and they did respond). Whether I would be able to take up with them again -- not much to take up -- I don't know. And it wouldn't matter much either way.

[idoltree]

In my own recent case, I had to give up a couple of others, I'm not sure she did (and I don't care either way). As for me giving up the others, they didn't seem angry (and they did respond). Whether I would be able to take up with them again -- not much to take up -- I don't know. And it wouldn't matter much either way.

 

I did too. There were a couple of guys I was talking to. One was someone where when I was available and looking, he just met someone. Then he'd come back on, and I'd be disabling my profile. We were playing tag, I guess. The same night I agreed to exclusivity with my guy, I went home to a message from that guy asking me out. He understood, chalked it up to bad timing, and wished me luck.

 

People tend to understand if you're just upfront. But other people can be unreasonable about it. I guess it's a good filter!

[mysteryscape]

is maybe to talk about it

 

My last 2 cents here as a woman.

 

Even though I multi-date, if I meet a man that really captures my attention there is NO WAY IN HELL I will tell him I am communicating with some other dudes!

 

If he ask me a direct question I will answer the truth but I will never ever, ever, volunteer the information I have other dates scheduled.

 

So my last two cents here, at least for a while.

 

Sounds like you are hiding something then! IRL of course people do this all the time, but in OLD it's much more explicit, I mean there is little ambiguity about what you are there for. But this is a good example of why OLD arouses so much suspicion and unease in many people -- don't take my word for it, read zillions of other posts and threads.

 

Myself, I make it a point to tell people that I have other things going on, if I do. (Actually, I usually don't.) It can be done in a way that doesn't have to be too obnoxious, or at least I hope so. That way, they know, I don't feel that I'm concealing anything, they either are OK with it or not. And I MUCH prefer to be dealt with in the same way.

[Trenton100]

My last 2 cents here as a woman.

 

Even though I multi-date, if I meet a man that really captures my attention there is NO WAY IN HELL I will tell him I am communicating with some other dudes!

 

If he ask me a direct question I will answer the truth but I will never ever, ever, volunteer the information I have other dates scheduled.

 

The ONLY reason I would do this is IF I meet a man and I feel he's into me much more than I am into him, and I want him to back off a little then yes I will tell him things like

 

1. I got other contacts I am exploring

2. I want to be friends

3. I want to take things slow.

 

These are all indications you are into her much more than she is into you.

 

I don't know. I get your point but you have to understand, she's talking to me without me saying anything. I don't ask what she is doing, she tells me. I don't push or pry anything. The only thing I did was ask about dating exclusively. But even right now, I got a text letting me know what's going on a work. She is certainly not ghosting. Could she be texting another guy too? I don't know. I guess. She doesn't seem like a player to me. She doesn't care about money or dressing up fancy. Our date was a simple coffee. She wasn't disappointed or expected some big dinner. She's off the site. And I don't think she is lying about anything. I'm glad she told me in a way where she was being honest.

 

 

Usually by this time in OLD, the communication vanishes. She didn't. that's why I'm confused a bit. I'm all about going slow, just with one person instead of multiple. This way I'm at my best and can focus on improving the situation.

 

 

One could also counter your position by telling the guy she's talking to someone else to see what HE does. Does he up his game? I don't know.

 

 

What I do know is she's off the site, talking to me and whoever else. She wants to see me again and communicates with me in a way that shows she is definitely interested.

[mysteryscape]

Actually, I/we haven't, we just stopped using them. One of mine is a site that is kind of hard to disable. The other -- OKC -- I will politely answer messages from people who have communicated with me before. Some of them are actually people who have become online "friends" who I would hate to just cut off completely. Otherwise, I'm offline. Perhaps after enough time has gone by on OKC I will suspend the account.

[Trenton100]

I appreciate the contributions here, even the ones I do not agree with.

[jcrew11]

Jeez, why don't you propose to her already if you are going to get so emotional after 1 date?

 

There are tons of guys who are players and "hit it then quit it." If you don't have the patience to get to know a woman first, then you're possibly letting go of a good thing.

 

Men don't want to feel powerless, and controlled by a woman. It sucks being the beggar instead of the chooser. But if she wants to be with you, give her a month to decide.

 

But at the same time, you can still message other women. You can still flirt at coffee shops and go to bars. It sounds to me you are angry and controlling. Learn some patience and if she wants to be with you after the 3rd date, then bang her and become exclusive.

[idoltree]

I don't know. I get your point but you have to understand, she's talking to me without me saying anything. I don't ask what she is doing, she tells me. I don't push or pry anything. The only thing I did was ask about dating exclusively. But even right now, I got a text letting me know what's going on a work. She is certainly not ghosting. Could she be texting another guy too? I don't know. I guess. She doesn't seem like a player to me. She doesn't care about money or dressing up fancy. Our date was a simple coffee. She wasn't disappointed or expected some big dinner. She's off the site. And I don't think she is lying about anything. I'm glad she told me in a way where she was being honest.

 

 

Usually by this time in OLD, the communication vanishes. She didn't. that's why I'm confused a bit. I'm all about going slow, just with one person instead of multiple. This way I'm at my best and can focus on improving the situation.

 

 

One could also counter your position by telling the guy she's talking to someone else to see what HE does. Does he up his game? I don't know.

 

 

What I do know is she's off the site, talking to me and whoever else. She wants to see me again and communicates with me in a way that shows she is definitely interested.

 

Her being in contact is a good sign. The problem is that you don't know whether she's into you or she's into the attention you give her.

 

Don't play games to make her jealous. The most attractive man is one who is confident and is sure about what he wants.

 

How many dates have you been on? And if her profile isn't up, why is that?

[mysteryscape]

Learn some patience and if she wants to be with you after the 3rd date, then bang her and become exclusive.

 

Ah, I see you are another hopeless romantic!

[Trenton100]

Her being in contact is a good sign. The problem is that you don't know whether she's into you or she's into the attention you give her.

 

Don't play games to make her jealous. The most attractive man is one who is confident and is sure about what he wants.

 

How many dates have you been on? And if her profile isn't up, why is that?

 

 

Met her once but we talk every day. She actually deleted her profile when she was sitting next to me. Said she didn't need it any longer.

 

 

I'm not playing games either. I wouldn't even know how. I thought about the attention thing as well. But I don't know if that really is the case. She isn't texting me in a way that really demands it, you know what I mean? They're not "poor me" or "look at me" kind of texts. I've received pictures but nothing near sexual.

[jcrew11]

The one thing that I do consider, she was with the same person for 13 years. Maybe like me, she's cautious. She did get off the site. I don't know. I want to see her again but I don't want to be burned. I've had dates where I was not excited the day after. This is different, or else I wouldn't have posted.

 

You're just afraid of getting hurt and rejected. That's just dating. Women get hurt, rejected, dumped, use for sex, all the time. Its the woman who needs to be more careful and protective of her body. Its the woman who needs to make sure a man wants a relationship instead of a one night stand.

Edited December 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[idoltree]

Met her once but we talk every day. She actually deleted her profile when she was sitting next to me. Said she didn't need it any longer.

 

 

I'm not playing games either. I wouldn't even know how. I thought about the attention thing as well. But I don't know if that really is the case. She isn't texting me in a way that really demands it, you know what I mean? They're not "poor me" or "look at me" kind of texts. I've received pictures but nothing near sexual.

 

Frankly, I'd be concerned if she was sending you sexual pictures; that might lean toward someone who enjoys your attention rather than a quality gal trying to keep up conversation with you.

 

She deleted her profile while next to you because she "doesn't need it"? Interesting.

 

Okay, ask her out again. Something inexpensive - ice skating, hiking, etc. Be confident, have fun, and flirt. If she brings up another guy, be a smart*ss and say "you're not gonna want to be talking to other dudes after this date with me!" or something similar.

 

At the end of the date, kiss her and say "I'd really like to see where this goes and just see one another. What do you think?"

 

She may be into it, she may not be into it. She may be wishy-washy, in which case you should assume she's not into it.

 

You're either going to get what you want, which is dating her exclusively, or you're not. And if you're not, it will hurt a little bit, but it's not a statement on your worth. It's merely a case of preferences not meshing. If it doesn't work out, you're a step closer to meeting the woman for you, and when you do you'll be glad that others didn't work out. Get back out there and start dating again.

[Trenton100]

Frankly, I'd be concerned if she was sending you sexual pictures; that might lean toward someone who enjoys your attention rather than a quality gal trying to keep up conversation with you.

 

She deleted her profile while next to you because she "doesn't need it"? Interesting.

 

Okay, ask her out again. Something inexpensive - ice skating, hiking, etc. Be confident, have fun, and flirt. If she brings up another guy, be a smart*ss and say "you're not gonna want to be talking to other dudes after this date with me!" or something similar.

 

At the end of the date, kiss her and say "I'd really like to see where this goes and just see one another. What do you think?"

 

She may be into it, she may not be into it. She may be wishy-washy, in which case you should assume she's not into it.

 

You're either going to get what you want, which is dating her exclusively, or you're not. And if you're not, it will hurt a little bit, but it's not a statement on your worth. It's merely a case of preferences not meshing. If it doesn't work out, you're a step closer to meeting the woman for you, and when you do you'll be glad that others didn't work out. Get back out there and start dating again.

 

 

I hear ya. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact she didn't go sex pics. I don't want anything based off that. Actually, that was the issue with my last girlfriend. She was all about the sex but so non-romantic it sucked.

 

 

I can do the smartass thing. Ha, that's how I got her attention to begin with.

 

 

I appreciate your advice. Thank you.

[jcrew11]

Hey, troll. Unlike you I don't think with my dick first.

 

 

That's the difference between you and me. And that's why the woman don't get that attitude and you do.

 

 

Go away now. I hear you mommy calling you.

 

Listen to me carefully. If you act like a crying whiny baby, and force her to choose you before she is ready to commit, then you will get nothing.

 

If you want to quit, then just move on.

 

You sound very controlling. She deserves the right to protect herself. She doesn't need to tell you she is dating other men, and you don't need to hear that. But give her the freedom and time to decide what she wants in life.

 

Its really not fair to rush her after only one date. She doesn't know you very well. Give her at least 1 week to decide.

 

You are being way to demanding and over-bearing, needy and desperate. How many women have you rejected after 1 date, but they wanted to see you again?

[William]

Let's dial it back a bit folks. It's a discussion, not rock-em, sock-em robots. Thanks!

 

Edited to add that the fastest way to a posting vacation is to post something which ignores moderation's directives after one is issued. So, let's all calm down and move on.

Edited December 19, 2014 by William

[Gaeta]

So Trenton, when you talked to this lady about exclusivity and when she mentioned she was speaking to someone else did you ask how she usually handles her dating? How long she needs to get a feel of someone? What is her deadline for exclusivity? Those are questions I often ask a man. A lot of men answered they needed about a month to go into exclusive dating. It was something I found reasonable. If they answered they needed 3 months or more that was not something I am compatible with.

[Trenton100]

So Trenton, when you talked to this lady about exclusivity and when she mentioned she was speaking to someone else did you ask how she usually handles her dating? How long she needs to get a feel of someone? What is her deadline for exclusivity? Those are questions I often ask a man. A lot of men answered they needed about a month to go into exclusive dating. It was something I found reasonable. If they answered they needed 3 months or more that was not something I am compatible with.

 

No. I didn't want push it. All I did was explain my position on things. She basically said she isn't rushing anything. I'm ok with that. I don't want to either. I did ask about the current situation. Actually I'll quote a text -

 

 

"I saw him a few times. Nothing serious I dunno I guess you can say they were dates. I'm new at this."

 

 

See why I'm a bit confused? Hey, I'm not very good at this. Although I disagreed with you, I do appreciate your input.

[mysteryscape]

. Actually I'll quote a text -

 

 

"I saw him a few times. Nothing serious I dunno I guess you can say they were dates. I'm new at this."

 

 

See why I'm a bit confused? Hey, I'm not very good at this. Although I disagreed with you, I do appreciate your input.

 

So is she still seeing him? Or is it really "saw" i.e. past tense? If the latter, I'd say you should forget it i.e. don't worry about it.

 

But she's still "talking" with him, then she's not set on you. You will have to either accept that, or not.

 

If you do accept it, I would curb my enthusiasm. She is holding back and so should you.

[Trenton100]

So is she still seeing him? Or is it really "saw" i.e. past tense? If the latter, I'd say you should forget it i.e. don't worry about it.

 

But she's still "talking" with him, then she's not set on you. You will have to either accept that, or not.

 

If you do accept it, I would curb my enthusiasm. She is holding back and so should you.

 

I think Ill keep talking. I'm not going to ask about anyone else. I'm going to avoid asking about exclusiveness or anything related. She understands my position. She wants to get to know me so I will let her.