Person I'm seeing is multi-dating. How to handle?

[Gaeta]

I think Ill keep talking. I'm not going to ask about anyone else. I'm going to avoid asking about exclusiveness or anything related. She understands my position. She wants to get to know me so I will let her.

 

One advice, I thought I was done with my 2 cents but apparently not lol. If you want to stand out of the crowd 'see her'. Don't become her text-friend. You have more chances at making a positive impression on her by 1. calling 2. spending time with her.

 

A man that calls me, let me hear his voice, makes plans to see me, is a step ahead of all other men entertaining me on text.

[Trenton100]

One advice, I thought I was done with my 2 cents but apparently not lol. If you want to stand out of the crowd 'see her'. Don't become her text-friend. You have more chances at making a positive impression on her by 1. calling 2. spending time with her.

 

A man that calls me, let me hear his voice, makes plans to see me, is a step ahead of all other men entertaining me on text.

 

But couldn't that be seen as pushing it? This is where I stall. I could call but I dont want to be aggressive. I'm afraid of walking that line.

 

I tend to be on the shy side. And these days I get the impression people would rather text. I like phone conversations better but most people I've met online kind of avoid it.

Edited December 19, 2014 by Trenton100

[Trenton100]

This is where being with someone for so long kind of hurts me. I never got the dating thing. Maybe that's her problem too.

[Scaatys2014]

Trenton,

 

I JUST went thru this exact scenario. I met an amazing guy online. At the time he was one of three that I had "narrowed down" in interest. He happened to be the first one I met and we hit it off amazingly well. We had 2 more dates after that and he sent a pile of mixed messages which led me to believe he wasn't looking for anything serious, so I accepted a date from another guy. I didn't lie about it because I "thought" we were on the same page. We weren't. He was hurt and angry. He has since written me off and I'm devastated because I REALLY liked him.

 

All he had to do was talk to me about being exclusive to see where it went and I would have been all for it. The mixed messages he was sending led me to believe I should just keep my options open so I did.

 

If you really like this lady, TALK TO HER!!!! I really wish my guy had of.....

[mysteryscape]

we hit it off amazingly well. We had 2 more dates after that and he sent a pile of mixed messages which led me to believe he wasn't looking for anything serious, so I accepted a date from another guy. I didn't lie about it because I "thought" we were on the same page. We weren't. He was hurt and angry. He has since written me off and I'm devastated because I REALLY liked him.

 

All he had to do was talk to me about being exclusive to see where it went and I would have been all for it. The mixed messages he was sending led me to believe I should just keep my options open so I did.

 

If you really like this lady, TALK TO HER!!!! I really wish my guy had of.....

 

My guess: he was really into you but he had the normal male fear -- very common early on and later too -- of getting trapped.

 

You say all he had to do was talk to you. Well, maybe so, but had you understood better, maybe you could have talked to him about what was going on, his inner conflict.

 

I'm just guessing here, but believe me, I've been exactly where I say.

 

Maybe you could try to talk to him again about what you both were really feeling?

 

Nothing to lose at this point!

[Scaatys2014]

I tried Mystery. He didn't respond. It has been almost a week now and he re activated his profile. I think he has moved on.....

[Trenton100]

Well, she called me tonight. We're talking. I'm digging it. I'm not going to make a big deal about it but it isn't a bad thing.

[Trenton100]

I tried Mystery. He didn't respond. It has been almost a week now and he re activated his profile. I think he has moved on.....

 

If he hasn't blocked you, then send him a message saying sorry. Tell him you really like him. Explain everything. Make it a nice, long one.

[Scaatys2014]

I did say all of that. I also said I had no intention of seeing anyone else and asked if it was too little too late.....I also apologized profusely.....

 

What else CAN I say???

[Trenton100]

I just had a nice text exchange. I think she might be into me more than I thought. Maybe I jumped the gun this morning, I dont know.

 

What I do know is now I like her more than I did in the AM.

 

Something is happening. I feel it.

[idoltree]

I just had a nice text exchange. I think she might be into me more than I thought. Maybe I jumped the gun this morning, I dont know.

 

What I do know is now I like her more than I did in the AM.

 

Something is happening. I feel it.

 

Something is happening. You've got a lady who is calling you and texting you. She's willing to do some work to get to know you. She's into you, that much you know. (Disclaimer that this could very well be solid interest in you, or the attention-seeking I mentioned earlier. You won't know just yet.)

 

So it seems like you don't want to say anything about exclusivity because you don't want to push it. Because she's "new at this" and wants to go slow. Okay, but know that you can be exclusive and still go slow. All it means is that you agree to forsake other opportunities because you see a larger one with one person. I see what you mean, though, and I think it's a sign of growth that you're able to move from the attitude of your original post toward adopting a "wait and see" approach.

 

But I'm still unclear about whether she's actively seeing the other guy or if he was someone she was talking to. It sounds like you really don't know either. I'd urge you to be ready with a wisecrack if she brings him up again. It sounds like you're good at that.

 

Just try to be okay with the uncertainty early. I struggled with this part of dating after coming out of a long relationship. I just wanted to know what was happening and where I stood. I was so used to having "my person" that I wanted to know I had that, and had that early on. I was looking for the security of a relationship, and had to fight my tendencies to seek that out. If I prioritized that, I might end up with someone just because he was also willing to rush into togetherness, and I might miss many red flags about him in the process.

 

Overall, just try to take the actions of a guy who knows the woman is into him. Approach her, but have the confidence to let go so you let her keep approaching you, too. Don't lose your sense of humor, supplemented with a hint of ego and cockiness. You want her to see via your actions that you consider yourself worthy of her affection and commitment.

 

Have your internal limit about when you won't go any further without knowing you're exclusively seeing one another. If you reach that limit, let her know you're not going to continue without exclusivity. Make it about you and that it's something that you believe in - strong, manly, unyielding. If she doesn't want the same, that's fine, but you walk.

 

If you end up walking, she may second guess herself and get in touch. If she does, she's got to commit to only seeing you. If not, drop her. She should know at that point. If she wavers, it's because she's still uncertain and that's not a good sign for the long run.

 

And just know that women can multi-date and still have values and be ethical. I did it, and I did not mess with anyone's head, and I was not hooking up with multiple guys. I didn't do anything more than a quick hug with many of the guys I went out with. And when I found a guy I really liked, I was willing to go exclusive pretty early on, and that meant getting in touch with the other guys I was talking to and letting them know I was disabling my profile because I was seeing someone.

 

Multi-dating is just a dating style, and it's one that can feel almost necessary if you get a lot of messages and are talking to different guys and are on different stages with each. So this gal of yours admitting to talking/seeing another is not a judgment on her character. What will be indicative of her character is what happens from here on out.

[Gaeta]

I just had a nice text exchange. I think she might be into me more than I thought. Maybe I jumped the gun this morning, I dont know.

 

What I do know is now I like her more than I did in the AM.

 

Something is happening. I feel it.

 

See it's good to give things a little time

 

Now you like her more, you could have liked her less too, it's a possibility that is the reason you give it a couple of dates.

[mysteryscape]

I did say all of that. I also said I had no intention of seeing anyone else and asked if it was too little too late.....I also apologized profusely.....

 

What else CAN I say???

 

One last thought -- did you tell him why you started seeing someone else, you said it was his "mixed messages" -- perhaps he doesn't understand how you felt about the situation -- insecurity and wondering if was really interested and all?

 

If you've told him all that, there may not be much more you can do. Except wait.

 

Maybe after two weeks, send him one last message telling him you'd still be interested in hearing from him.

 

That's about all I can come up with. Good luck with it.

[Trenton100]

Something is happening. You've got a lady who is calling you and texting you. She's willing to do some work to get to know you. She's into you, that much you know. (Disclaimer that this could very well be solid interest in you, or the attention-seeking I mentioned earlier. You won't know just yet.)

 

So it seems like you don't want to say anything about exclusivity because you don't want to push it. Because she's "new at this" and wants to go slow. Okay, but know that you can be exclusive and still go slow. All it means is that you agree to forsake other opportunities because you see a larger one with one person. I see what you mean, though, and I think it's a sign of growth that you're able to move from the attitude of your original post toward adopting a "wait and see" approach.

 

But I'm still unclear about whether she's actively seeing the other guy or if he was someone she was talking to. It sounds like you really don't know either. I'd urge you to be ready with a wisecrack if she brings him up again. It sounds like you're good at that.

 

Just try to be okay with the uncertainty early. I struggled with this part of dating after coming out of a long relationship. I just wanted to know what was happening and where I stood. I was so used to having "my person" that I wanted to know I had that, and had that early on. I was looking for the security of a relationship, and had to fight my tendencies to seek that out. If I prioritized that, I might end up with someone just because he was also willing to rush into togetherness, and I might miss many red flags about him in the process.

 

Overall, just try to take the actions of a guy who knows the woman is into him. Approach her, but have the confidence to let go so you let her keep approaching you, too. Don't lose your sense of humor, supplemented with a hint of ego and cockiness. You want her to see via your actions that you consider yourself worthy of her affection and commitment.

 

Have your internal limit about when you won't go any further without knowing you're exclusively seeing one another. If you reach that limit, let her know you're not going to continue without exclusivity. Make it about you and that it's something that you believe in - strong, manly, unyielding. If she doesn't want the same, that's fine, but you walk.

 

If you end up walking, she may second guess herself and get in touch. If she does, she's got to commit to only seeing you. If not, drop her. She should know at that point. If she wavers, it's because she's still uncertain and that's not a good sign for the long run.

 

And just know that women can multi-date and still have values and be ethical. I did it, and I did not mess with anyone's head, and I was not hooking up with multiple guys. I didn't do anything more than a quick hug with many of the guys I went out with. And when I found a guy I really liked, I was willing to go exclusive pretty early on, and that meant getting in touch with the other guys I was talking to and letting them know I was disabling my profile because I was seeing someone.

 

Multi-dating is just a dating style, and it's one that can feel almost necessary if you get a lot of messages and are talking to different guys and are on different stages with each. So this gal of yours admitting to talking/seeing another is not a judgment on her character. What will be indicative of her character is what happens from here on out.

 

 

I've come to realize that it is up to me to be the bigger man in all of this. Instead of worrying about it, I'm just going to be myself. We are actively communicating right now which is all I can really ask for. It is up to her to decide.

 

 

She hasn't said a word about this other guy since I asked two nights ago. The text I got last night was "I'm going to need another kiss from you very soon".

 

 

Like I said before, I'm not soliciting any messages. She is messaging me and calling me on her own will. Of course I do the same. But when the last text I get is "text me in the AM", that tells me she is interested. I don't think she's seeking attention. Just my gut feeling on that one.

 

 

Should I honestly complain? Not to mention we do have another date scheduled too.

Edited December 20, 2014 by Trenton100

[mysteryscape]

She hasn't said a word about this other guy since I asked two nights ago. The text I got last night was "I'm going to need another kiss from you very soon".

 

I can't tell you how you should feel, but everything tells me the other guy is still in the picture -- if she is really into you, and knowing how much it bothers you, if he weren't in the picture, she would have said so.

 

Only you can decide how to respond to that.

 

Believe me, I've been in situations where I wanted to ignore the message I was getting, in the hopes that the situation was like I wanted it to be, not like it really was (and being pretty clearly conveyed). It usually doesn't work out as hoped.

[makeithappen]

I don't really understand your point of view. I usually date a couple of people at a time. But only in the very early, getting to know one another stages. If we've just met I'm not going to turn down another promising offer because I may find out the next date that you voted for McCain. And then I'd have turned down a potentially better fit.

 

But after a few dates....3-5? And if it's mutually agreed upon that we both don't want to pursue others....I drop the other. Obviously, no intimacy with either person has occurred except for maybe a kiss. If you've only had one date, you don't really know this person and the next date you could discover a deal breaker. It's good to keep it casual in the beginning.

 

Me too!

This is because seeing many people early on allows you to make up your mind on who is for keeps. There is still no commitment, so what's the problem?

[mysteryscape]

Me too!

There is still no commitment, so what's the problem?

 

The problem, if there is one, is that human emotions don't play by rules of contract law. Nor do they turn on and off like a water tap. All kinds of things happen and not happen largely regardless of what kinds of formal "commitments" one has made.

 

You can tell someone that he or she shouldn't be bothered that you're seeing other people, having sex with other people, making out, whatever, because you never made a commitment. Well, chances are they will be bothered (or not) independent of what you think they should be feeling.

[trippi1432]

The problem, if there is one, is that human emotions don't play by rules of contract law. Nor do they turn on and off like a water tap. All kinds of things happen and not happen largely regardless of what kinds of formal "commitments" one has made.

 

You can tell someone that he or she shouldn't be bothered that you're seeing other people, having sex with other people, making out, whatever, because you never made a commitment. Well, chances are they will be bothered (or not) independent of what you think they should be feeling.

 

 

I soooo wish people could understand that multi-dating is NOT having sex with other people. It is about figuring out who is compatible with you. Talking TO and WITH someone, finding out if someone is compatible OUTSIDE of sex. That ONE person who is going to be there is the ONE who does value you.....you find out a lot when you go out on dates about what you DO NOT want (DATES...platonic dinner, social engagements that does not end in a kiss, or fondling of each other genitals), instead of being stuck in a dead end relationship with the one person you gave a chance to OR the one who gave you a chance, or asked you out...blah blah blah...and you just waste more of your life figuring out how to break up with something you should have said NO to but didn't.

 

 

I would love to be the center of someone's world, I would love for someone to be the center of mine, but the fact is, until two people exhaust themselves looking for what they both want, takes more than a year of one more relationship that didn't work out. That can add up to a lot of years of dead ends if YOU are relying on just one person who has no incentive to be the ONE.....just saying.

 

 

It's better to have "choices".....

Edited December 22, 2014 by trippi1432

[idoltree]

She hasn't said a word about this other guy since I asked two nights ago. The text I got last night was "I'm going to need another kiss from you very soon".

 

Like I said before, I'm not soliciting any messages. She is messaging me and calling me on her own will. Of course I do the same. But when the last text I get is "text me in the AM", that tells me she is interested. I don't think she's seeking attention. Just my gut feeling on that one.

 

I did this with the guy I'm seeing. I pursued him more than I usually pursue a guy, since he is a little shy and introverted. I hit on him and made it really easy for him to know I was interested, because I was. And I sent him a message about kissing that was almost exactly the same as the one you got.

 

I was talking to another guy at the time who I ended communication with when I became exclusive with my guy.

 

I think this is going well and I don't think the other guy is an issue. She possibly picked up on your hesitance and is trying to prove to you that you're the one that she's really into.

[mysteryscape]

 

I would love to be the center of someone's world, I would love for someone to be the center of mine

 

It's better to have "choices".....

 

So maybe you'll get there soon by "multidating." I hope when you do, that they don't dump you when they find out you're seeing several others, just so you'll have choices.

[idoltree]

So maybe you'll get there soon by "multidating." I hope when you do, that they don't dump you when they find out you're seeing several others, just so you'll have choices.

 

If someone dumped me because I wasn't committed to him before I even met him, I'd be relieved that he was that upfront with his insecurity.

[losangelena]

She possibly picked up on your hesitance and is trying to prove to you that you're the one that she's really into.

 

 

I agree with this. I did that with my bf, because after the first few dates he kind of faded a bit, and I honestly thought he just wasn't that interested. I went for a hail mary pass and asked him out on date five, and since then it's been full steam ahead.

[mysteryscape]

If someone dumped me because I wasn't committed to him before I even met him, I'd be relieved that he was that upfront with his insecurity.

 

Once again, inventing words in someone's mouth. This is getting pointless, good luck to you.

[Trenton100]

Going to meet her for lunch tomorrow then see her Friday night. Things are looking good!

[elaine567]

Going to meet her for lunch tomorrow then see her Friday night. Things are looking good!

 

Happy for you!