BF's best friend hates me: cheated with her boyfriend

[problem101]

Hi all,

 

I have a rather complicated dilemma I have nowhere to run to and ask for advice and so thought I'd come onto LS and see if there might be any help here.

 

In summary, there are 4 parties involved namely myself, my boyfriend and his two best friends "X" (bf) and "Y" (gf) who have been dating for almost 10 years. We have hung out as a group several times before all this so we are all well acquainted.

 

I don't wish to divulge into the details but basically several weeks before me and my bf got together, X cheated on Y and slept with me. We were very drunk and he came onto me. I was single at the time and was fully aware of the situation. I am also fully aware this was a very wrong move and have not been able to face Y since. It was a bad part of my life (my ex-bf cheated on me in ways unimaginable) but regardless I understand this is no excuse and I understand we were both very wrong.

 

Fast forward to this relationship, me and the now bf started talking (he was always interested in me) and I decided to give it a chance. As I was due to go on holiday with my new bf however, X kindly informed him what happened between us "out of duty". Of course he was shocked but despite this, he had a think through and still wanted to go ahead with our relationship. It has gone so beautifully since and we are now very much very happy together...

 

Unfortunately several weeks later, X also decided to "come clean" with Y and hence told her everything between me and him. He has also cheated on her with prostitutes in the past.

 

Now obviously, Y absolutely hates me to the core and is also furious at my BF (her best friend long before X started dating her) for betraying her like this. However it has come to a crossroad where Y is not talking to my bf anymore completely cutting him off cold. X is also telling the bf to break up with me if he wants their circle of friendship to continue. X and Y are still together - X has somehow managed to patch things up and I have become the outsider "bitch".

 

I know it is all rather complicated and I have tried to keep this short, however would anyone have any advice on what I should do? Or any insight as to what might happen between us?

 

I really like this guy and I haven't ever had someone like this. He has never had someone like me either and is so confused and upset as he very much wants to be with me... He said he has never felt this way about anyone but at the same time, his best friends have been with him since college and he wouldn't give them up either.

 

Anyone?

[Jules Dash]

Obviously this situation or "circle" can't continue to exist as it is. It just can't. Something has to give. At least one of these, but I suspect two, relationships will end. Too much damage has been done so you have to be realistic.

 

Your best shot is you all sitting down at a dinner table and getting it all out. How you will accomplish this will be challenging but it will take a lot of effort from the person that is the hub of you all, your boyfriend. He really needs to man up and take charge.

[NJ123]

I hate to say it but he's likely going to choose his best friends over you since he's known them way longer. In the end though no matter what, he has to choose between you & them. And he might even eventually resent you for not being able to talk with them anymore.

[katlover]

Hey girl wow that is a crazy dilemma you have there. I'm going through almost the same thing right now. I'm a guy and the girl I'm seeing is my friends ex. But I hardly talk to my friend now, and he has a new gf anyways. My opinion is, forget what other people think or say. Just do what makes the both of you happy. If he has to choose between his friends or you, then so he has to choose. If he chooses his friends, then you will just have to move on. Don't stress though because life will go on, and the feelings will eventually fade. If he chooses you, then that just shows he doesn't give a **** about what other people think, and that he is willing to go the extra mile for the relationship to work.

 

Hope it goes well.

[Ebelskiver]

Some of the best advice anyone ever gave me was "What other people think of you is none of your business." I used to try to sway people in my favor if they had a beef with me. And sometimes that is appropriate, but in this case, let X and Y, believe what they want about you.

 

I'd tell your bf that you want him to have an ongoing relationship with his friends, but that right now that obviously will not include you. The only thing you ask is that he doesn't allow them to speak badly of you in his presence. Yeah, you knowingly slept with someone who had a gf, bad move. You can't take it back, but you want to see where things go with the two of you. Give the others space and time and if things work out with you and your bf in the long run, eventually the others will come around. Or they won't.

 

But you and your bf have a right to make your own decisions.

[JK79]

Sounds awful situation fueled by negative emotions.

 

If you and your BF are close and in a good relationship that should come first. The fact X and Y are still together and are expecting your BF who has done little wrong (not telling Y can be seen as betrayal of her, but telling Y would have been betrayal of X so he was screwed anyway) to give you up - someone who clearly makes him happy is disgraceful on them.

 

You were single (not an excuse as such), X wasn't and so he is the real culprit and is looking to stay with Y and still have your BF as a friend. The fact Y is still with X after sleeping with you and prostitutes says a lot too - rather than dumpnig the real source of the problem she is looking to vent her spleen everywhere else except the real problem - X.

 

I would have a good chat with your BF and point out their selfish behavior in making him choose - fuelled by a desire for Y to get even rather than his happiness - to me ... that doesn't make them true friends. I would also point out just what kind of future relationship he hopes to have iwth these 'friends'? Is Y going to help him through this potential break up with you? Is she going to be there for him when he feels like rubbish? X is going along with Y's demands for you to go probably because given so much wrong he has done he has to show solidarity to Y. The friendship is screwed ... not your relationship.

 

If your BF chooses that couple over you then you have dodged a bullet long term - remember he chose to go out with you knowing you slept with X and so i think he will come to his senses and leave the poisoned friendship.

Edited December 19, 2014 by JK79

[JS84]

Honestly I'm not really sure there's anything you can do besides just try to be a good girlfriend and hope he chooses you over his best friends. And do not make another decision like the one you made again.

[PegNosePete]

Your BF should tell X something like this:

 

Look, I am an innocent party here. I did not cheat on or with anyone. It's not fair for you to put this ultimatum on me, and make me choose between my gf and my good friend. I refuse to choose. If you decide to end our friendship because your gf tells you to, then that's your decision, not mine. But I will not end my relationship just because she wants me to.

[problem101]

Thank you so much everyone for all your kind responses and insight into this. I am so grateful that you have all taken the time to read the whole story and provide such thought out advice, despite that we are strangers. I truly appreciate it.

 

I'm having such an emotional day but I think what most of you have said made a lot of sense to me. I was stuck in between acknowledging whether X is the biggest culprit, selfishly imposing his wants at the expense of us and most of all his "best friend", or whether I really am the only wrongdoer and messed the whole friendship for them.

 

X had asked me for sexual favors on several occasions before this although I always thought he was joking. I am having trouble seeing his true character now despite my bf saying that he is a good person.

 

Regardless, I'll have a chat with my bf on the above. Thank you once again for all your advice. You guys rock.

[harrybrown]

Some of the blame has to be on x.

 

He cheated in his relationship.

 

How does he get a pass?

 

If he has been with others, you might want to be tested for stds because you do not know where he went.