Thinking reconcile, wife = push/pull

[reconcile]

Ive been separated form my wife for 4 years. It was found out that she had an affair early in our marriage that was debaucherous aqnd cruel. She has a mental personality disorder she is diagnosed with. She was put on antidepressants that cause her go into an impulsive, no-bonding, cheating state for a decade. It was not like her natural self to anyone. The med she was on has had the "mania" warning added to the list of negative effects and there are countless stories of people cheating, gambling, getting arrested due in part to this mania/hypomania that I believe the medicine did make occur in her (in part). So, she had an affair and we separated. She finally got good professional mental help and off the meds and she is back to the girl I married originally, but not completely. The long term effects of the meds are not known. She seems to have diminished bonding capabilities and has lost her ability to bond with me and our children. She has mood swings and can be delightful and horrible, but never dangerous like she was when on the meds. She was very much like a psychopath at that time.

 

I have been warming up to her of late, and she has pursued me since the day we separated, but now that i show interest in her, she is a cold fish.

 

She is very push-pull in nature and has never communicated well as a partner.

 

I need some advice on how males who reconciled with a formerly cheating wife do in the long-term. Also, any advice on reconciling with Borderline Personality Disorder individual that has cheated. Would we be doomed since it seems that her bonding capacity is far less than average now from the long-term med usage (emotional brain damage possibly)? She definitely is not the person no that she was on the meds - but is there anything left to bond to/with? One of our children is suffering deep emotion pain due our splitting up. I have remained true to my vows all through the separation of four years now. Now that she can have me, she goes out of her way to limit our closeness. We have sex regularly, but it is very timed and routine like servicing a car. She is emotionally vacant, but has her good moments. I do love her. I am not obsessed with her, but I am practical and my vows are intact. I think I love her. I dont allow myself to imagine being with any other woman. I have maintained the option of reconciliation in my mind, but barely. Now that we have determine that her true untreated mental state at the time and the meds risk factors likely contributed some to her cheating (tipping point), I dont take it so personally as I did and can forgive a little more deeply now. I mean after all, she followed doctors orders. It possibly could have happened to me or anyone just the same.

 

Any discussion on this at all would be helpful to me.

[BlueIris]

Why would you want to reconcile? It sounds as though you (and your children) would be better off stabilizing your own home life, focusing on your kids’ needs and your own, and learning how to emotionally detach from her. We can love someone but still leave them, and we have to if their behaviors are damaging. Don’t consent to being a yo-yo on someone’s string. Build a separate life. It’s good to show your kids how to do that too, by living it. Compassionate detachment. Become self-sufficient and emotionally independent. Your kids need you.

[Justanaverageguy]

I have remained true to my vows all through the separation of four years now. Now that she can have me, she goes out of her way to limit our closeness. We have sex regularly, but it is very timed and routine like servicing a car. She is emotionally vacant, but has her good moments. I do love her.

 

WTF man .... seriously ? Why would you ever possibly want to go back to that ? Are you a glutton for punishment .... do you enjoy your own pain ? The only reason you are considering going back to her is because you have not allowed yourself to be free of her and to emotionally detach and move on.

 

You are holding up the fact you stayed true to your marriage vows for 4 years after you found out she cheated like that is something to be proud of. When the other partner hasn't stayed faithful and has actively cheated on you for a decade and you know about it - that's really not a good thing. A wedding vow is only valid and only sacred if you both keep it. One person swearing their love for another regardless of how they act or treat them is not healthy. It means you have accepted being treated like a piece of trash and not demanded the respect and behaviour you deserve from a partner.

 

She sounds like a person who will never bring you happiness. If you go back to her - you know how it is going to end. Pain for you. Don't do it. Cut ties fully and move on with your life in a more positive healthy way.

[No Limit]

Quit having sex with her. Quit keeping contact with her. Quit staying married with her. You are wasting your time.

[Quiet Storm]

I have a sister with Borderline, and unfortunately I believe it would be best for you and the kids to let her go. She just isn't capable of being the wife & mother that you all need. It will be one drama after another.

 

Focus on your kids and make sure they realize that their mother is sick and it's not their fault. Like my nephew, they probably have a big hole in their heart and are just seeking their mother's love. It's sad and affects them deeply. They need lots of love from you to compensate for what she can't provide.

 

Unfortunately, I think your wife is probably a lost cause, BUT your kids lives can still have a positive outcome. Get them counseling, be an involved and caring dad, be stable and consistent. Instead of putting time, energy & effort into your wife- put all that into your kids. It will be a much better investment.

 

Sorry for the pessimism, but even doctors at one of the best inpatient psych hospitals told us not to expect much improvement. That was 10 years ago and so far they have been right. Sometimes it improves for a short time, but my parents walk on eggshells, waiting for the next drama (which always comes).

[DivorcedDad123]

To have a relationship with a borderline, you'll need to be a complete doormat and always willing to bail her out of trouble. That means no matter how many other guys she bangs, you'll need to accept it. No matter any legal problems, you'll need to fix it. You will be hers completely,without getting anything in return.

It can be done,but you'll lose yourself in the process.

[reconcile]

I actually agree with everything you all are saying. I probably point out what reconciliation looks like in my mind. It means that we live in separate houses for the last two years until kids graduate just as we do now. For health concerns, we would be exclusive sexually. Kind of like married but in separate houses. I would not take on a new mate and put them through this hell that you all seem to know if you have a borderline in the picture. Also, my kids have been through the ringer and I dont want to expose them to another variable like "dad's girlfriend" coupled with "mom's drama". I know this is unconventional.

 

As for keeping my vows intact, I dont subscribe to the "if you fail, then I get to fail" mentality. we are separated and not divorced (divorces are brutal with borderlines, dangerous even). I have lost faith in women in general in so far as ones that are available. I am not up for the experimentation. People just are not who they say they are.

 

So, I would opt to stop hating like I have been and stop the anger flow and afford these kids a stable high school experience since all has has turned to dookie. They do have a hole in their hearts where a mother should be. They stay with me. But she embraces treatment for her disorder and takes proper meds and she is way better than the prior decade by a long shot.

 

I hold myself hostage like this just to get it to all stop spinning for a time. you see, BPD and infidelity was only revealed and diagnosed in like the 20th year of our relationship. There were a lot of mitigating factors that allowed so much of it to be normalized (like extreme and dreadful health issues of her only family member who was literally dieing everyday of our lives, ALS type thing, it afforded her the right to fall apart and be difficult and i would have to understand. I did understand...I thought. Enter antidepressants and the enter hypomania for the next decade while children grow from seeds to men. If you swim in this muck enough, it just becomes second nature.

[DivorcedDad123]

Here's the problem with that. You can't make "rules' like only having sex with one another. A person with borderline personality doesn't follow the rules. As I'm sure you know, they will lie,cheat,steal,etc.,, to insure that their needs and wants are met. They are selfish,although it's because of the mental disorder.

I'm sure you've been through hell. What you've been through though,has molded you into this thinking.

 

"As for keeping my vows intact, I dont subscribe to the "if you fail, then I get to fail" mentality. we are separated and not divorced (divorces are brutal with borderlines, dangerous even). I have lost faith in women in general in so far as ones that are available. I am not up for the experimentation. People just are not who they say they are. "

 

This is the mentality of a co-dependant. You still see your vows as having meaning,although she has wiped her feet on them. The fact that you trust no one, but are willing to give her a chance at this "reconciliation" still tells me she has her hooks in you.

Believe me,the grass really is greener out there. There are many,many women who are caring,loving,supportive,and everything you want.

I've been there my friend. It only leads to dissapointment and mental anguish.

[Quiet Storm]

I think what you are saying could work- as long as you don't have expectations of her becoming "normal".

 

If your goal is to give your kids a stable home, but allow them contact with their mother, then this is a good plan because it gives you some control over the situation. You being involved means that you can be the buffer between the kids and your wife, if need be. You can still be aware of what is happening, but her issues are not constantly in you & your kids face (since she is not living there). So I think that is a decent plan, and has the best interests of your kids at heart.

 

I just think that if you are still having a sexual relationship with her, you are setting yourself up for heartbreak. Because no matter what your exclusive agreement is, you can't trust it. She is just one "bad day" or one "argument" away from cheating on you again.

 

With a Borderline, they have periods of being rational, remorseful and "normal". But it's so unreliable. Once something sets them off, all of that rationality goes out the window and the Borderline takes over. They will revert back to their immature and selfish behavior, and there is no telling what will trigger them. It doesn't even have to be a real grievance- it can only be their warped perception and BOOM, in her mind she has ammunition to cheat on you again.

 

So for your own sanity, I think you should try your best to coparent, but rethink the sexual relationship. Unless you accept in your mind that she will cheat again, and remain very detached and unemotional.

 

I understand that the meds were a factor, but if she is truly a Borderline, she has an issue that won't be resolved with meds. It may be managed somewhat, but it's like tranquilizing a tiger. It's still a dangerous tiger when it wakes up, you know? Medications don't change the underlying issues in a personality disorder. It's not a chemical imbalance, it's a flawed character/personality.

[BlueIris]

You’re saying you want to keep having sex with her until the kids leave, which could be seen as using her, too. It might be misleading to her. I don’t know how you could count on both of you staying unemotional, without an emotional component, while you keep having sex. You know she doesn’t see things clearly or understand things, so she very well might think there is more to it than sex at some point. Her mental illness is awful, but it's also a weakness you want to be careful to not exploit. Can she understand? Can she handle such a subtle emotional nuance? This could blow up.

 

And as Divorced Dad said, you can’t count on her to be sexually exclusive. So it’s not “safe” for you to have sex with her, even health-wise. She could pick up an STD and you’d be, well, in bad shape.

 

I hope you’ll rethink your plan because it looks like playing with fire to me.

Edited December 19, 2014 by BlueIris

[reconcile]

Blue Iris

 

Im not saying that i just want to have sex with her until the kids leave, i am saying that I am trying to find a survival strategy that keeps drama down as much as possible. My goal is to have the children raised and to move them into the world and out of wierdness/harm's way. Empty nest borderlines, feeling abandoned, can get really neurotic. That is a crummy way for a kid to start their life with that kind of baggage in tow.

 

And I know all too well that infidelity is possible. I actually am prepared for hr failure. In this game, the goal isnt not to get shot, but to get shot less. You're likely gonna get shot. After all, she's a gun.

[Downtown]

She was put on antidepressants that cause her go into an impulsive, no-bonding, cheating state for a decade.... The med she was on has had the "mania" warning added to the list of negative effects

Reconcile, it is unusual for a normal person to get mania as a side effect from taking an antidepressant. It is very common, however, for mania to result from that drug if the person has bipolar-1 disorder. This is why doctors try to avoid giving an anti-depressant to bipolar sufferers. See The Truth About Antidepressants & Bipolar Disorder. Bipolar sufferers need a drug (e.g., lithium) that will stabilize their mood swings. Absent that stabilizing drug, the use of an antidepressant usually pushes a bipolar-1 sufferer into mania.

 

I mention this because one-third of BPD sufferers also have co-occurring bipolar-1. This means your BPDer W is at substantial risk of also having bipolar disorder. Yet, because bipolar tends to develop in the mid-20s and BPD traits typically start to show much earlier (in early teens), many BPDers (and their doctors) are unaware that the bipolar has appeared. The normal range of onset for bipolar is 18 to 30 and the average age of onset is 25. Hence, if your W really does have both of these disorders, the mania may return within a year or so even if she stops taking the antidepressant. If you are interested, I describe the differences I've seen between the typical behaviors of BPDers (e.g., my exW) and bipolar-1 sufferers (e.g., my foster son) at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences.

 

I agree with Iris that trying to reconcile with a BPDer -- especially if you will be having sex -- is playing with fire. Until she's had years of therapy to learn to regulate her emotions, you will always find yourself in a lose-lose situation. The primary reason is that a BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that, as you move close to her to assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, i.e., a suffocating feeling of being controlled by you and of losing her self identity inside your strong personality.

 

Yet, as you back off to give her breathing space, you necessarily will be drawing closer to triggering her other great fear: that of abandonment. Sadly, there is no safe place to stand between those two fears where you can avoid triggering both of them. I know because I wasted 15 years hunting for that Goldilocks position that is not "too close" and not "too far away" -- all to no avail. If you would like to read about some of my experiences, please check out my posts in Maybe's Thread.

[BlueIris]

Blue Iris

 

Im not saying that i just want to have sex with her until the kids leave, i am saying that I am trying to find a survival strategy that keeps drama down as much as possible. My goal is to have the children raised and to move them into the world and out of wierdness/harm's way. …….. That is a crummy way for a kid to start their life with that kind of baggage in tow.

 

Your kids already have “baggage” from their parents. All kids do. It’s much better to demonstrate making healthy choices than to perpetuate an unhealthy pattern by having sex with their mom- confusing them, you and your STBX. I'd bet that you wouldn’t want your child to stay in a toxic relationship, so show them how to NOT stay enmeshed. Also, take a good long time to heal and change your own thinking before dating and looking for a new girlfriend- regardless of what your wife is like. Focus on your own thinking and feelings, and avoid more drama by staying single for a few years and getting emotionally independent- happy and healthy on your own.

 

And I know all too well that infidelity is possible. I actually am prepared for hr failure. In this game, the goal isnt not to get shot, but to get shot less. You're likely gonna get shot. After all, she's a gun.

 

That’s incredibly unhealthy to say and think- that it’s inevitable that you’re going to be damaged anyway, so you’ll just stay in the line of fire. Also, she’s not a gun. Don’t teach your kids to stay in the line of fire. Don’t be a martyr or victim. Make the choices you make and make smart healthy choices for yourself and your kids.

 

It’s really similar to how many people in abusive relationships or relationships with addicts or alcoholics can start to think- so focused on the abuser, addict or alcoholic, and his or her problem, that they don’t see themselves as autonomous individuals with freedom of choice. For some people it becomes so extreme that they lose themselves, and all power and responsibility for their lives. “Engulfment - An unhealthy and overwhelming level of attention and dependency on another person, which comes from imagining or believing one exists only within the context of that relationship. Engulfment is a distortion of reality, in which the status of a relationship is given inappropriate levels of priority over other physical and emotional needs.” Out of the FOG - Engulfment

 

Saying that you can’t be independent and make safe choices because of your wife, is a “dependence” upon her that’s distorting your reality and your thinking. You exist outside of this relationship and your wife, and can make your own choices. If you believe that you and your life are dictated by her or the relationship, work to become independent so you can be strong and healthy yourself.

 

Think of how you’d think or feel if one of your kids said: “I have no choice but to stay with my GF/BF even though he/she cheats, lies, is volatile, unreliable or unpredictable.”…or… “I can’t make decisions that are good for me anymore because of my GF/BF.” …or… “I don’t have any choice anymore, because of my BF/GF.” I’d bet you’d be worried about your child and his or her choices, NOT your child’s GF/BF.

 

…. I have lost faith in women in general in so far as ones that are available. I am not up for the experimentation. People just are not who they say they are. …. So, I would opt to stop hating like I have been and stop the anger flow and afford these kids a stable high school experience since all has has turned to dookie. … I hold myself hostage like this just to get it to all stop spinning for a time. … If you swim in this muck enough, it just becomes second nature.

 

These are even more reasons to not even think about getting into another relationship and instead work on hate, anger, holding yourself hostage, and believing that women or people are dishonest or you don’t have faith in them- to stop spinning. Staying with her isn't going to help you change this thinking.

 

I agree with Iris that trying to reconcile with a BPDer -- especially if you will be having sex -- is playing with fire. Until she's had years of therapy to learn to regulate her emotions, you will always find yourself in a lose-lose situation.

 

What I’m saying is that regardless of what problem a partner has, don’t stay in a relationship if it’s toxic and you can’t fix it together- no matter what the reason is. Shift your focus off your spouse and see yourself and your own thinking and behaviors, and take individual responsibility for yourself and your kids. It’s incredibly liberating to take the focus off your partner.

 

It might not be pleasant or easy to look at our own stuff, but once you take the focus off your STBX, and see yourself and your own choices regardless of your STBX, you’ll feel a lot more empowered and free and you can set your own course. The survival strategy is to detach from the toxicity, not reconcile or keep having sex and adding confusion. You can do it, OP.

Edited December 22, 2014 by BlueIris

[reconcile]

Blue Iris

 

I would agree with all you say, but it's not exactly me being all into her. reconciliation would look more like and just dropping the hatred. I have custody of our children and they get/have to see her often at functions and switchovers. They are in a lot of pain and want the BS to stop. I think I am likely thinking that it can be okay even for a short time or as long as it lasts. As the kids become more adult-like with deeper emotions and observations skills, I fear that the dysfunction will damage them ongoingly. They deserve better. So, to me, reconciliation= truce, and in separate homes. Not as engulfed, but you're right that there is likely some of that at play. I am engulfed with my kids. I am looking for a strategy to make it good for them. I know I would be showing them a better role model if I taught them to treat someone that does you wrong to treat them like garbage and cut them off, but it is their mom, and they haven't had the best one at that. They prefer me to rein her in a bit with my presence and they like us all to be together once a week and watch TV at switchover. I dont know how much they like hanging with her. One used to fear her and the other has become her surrogate husband in a way. No strategy is perfect in a case like this. it is not a yearning to have her back, but a yearning to find a way to make a lasting peace. She will take it out on the kids if I did move on and that has kept me from doing so. Plus I have not wanted to add insult to injury with the kids by me having a new partner for them to consider. There a lot less to consider when they are grown is all.

[reconcile]

Downtown, all very great points and information. I agree with the base mindset of BPD. In fairness, she is on ant-psychotics, has 5 years of therapy under belt and has no signs of mania anymore, and has kept jobs for the first time and zero outbursts since being properly medicated. Under pressure though, I am sure she would fall apart again as that is her long-term behavior.

[BlueIris]

Blue Iris

 

I would agree with all you say, but it's not exactly me being all into her. reconciliation would look more like and just dropping the hatred. I have custody of our children and they get/have to see her often at functions and switchovers. They are in a lot of pain and want the BS to stop. I think I am likely thinking that it can be okay even for a short time or as long as it lasts. As the kids become more adult-like with deeper emotions and observations skills, I fear that the dysfunction will damage them ongoingly. They deserve better. So, to me, reconciliation= truce, and in separate homes. Not as engulfed, but you're right that there is likely some of that at play. I am engulfed with my kids. I am looking for a strategy to make it good for them. I know I would be showing them a better role model if I taught them to treat someone that does you wrong to treat them like garbage and cut them off, but it is their mom, and they haven't had the best one at that. They prefer me to rein her in a bit with my presence and they like us all to be together once a week and watch TV at switchover. I dont know how much they like hanging with her. One used to fear her and the other has become her surrogate husband in a way. No strategy is perfect in a case like this. it is not a yearning to have her back, but a yearning to find a way to make a lasting peace. She will take it out on the kids if I did move on and that has kept me from doing so. Plus I have not wanted to add insult to injury with the kids by me having a new partner for them to consider. There a lot less to consider when they are grown is all.

 

Truce sounds good. Letting go of hate sounds good. Maybe look up “detach with love” and “detach with compassion.” Detaching from someone’s problems or their negative behavior doesn’t mean treating them like garbage. It’s more about living your own life by your own compass and not allowing yourself to be pulled in. In any event, I’d stop thinking about getting a GF until after you’re solid on your own. Even after your kids are on their own, a GF won’t fix anything.

[Downtown]

She is on anti-psychotics, has 5 years of therapy under belt and has no signs of mania anymore... and zero outbursts since being properly medicated.

Reconcile, I've never heard of antipsychotic meds being prescribed on a long-term basis for BPD. Importantly, BPD is not caused by a chemical imbalance like bipolar is. With bipolar, the mood swings arise from body chemistry changes. With BPD, however, the mood changes arise from thought distortions caused by intense feelings. Hence, meds are not prescribed to treat BPD because they cannot make a dent in it.

 

Granted, BPD sometimes can be so destabilizing that a person will slip into psychosis. During those times, antipsychotics will be used to bring the person out of psychosis. With high functioning BPDers, however, these psychotic episodes typically are quite rare and the antipsychotics would only be used for a few months at most.

 

When antipsychotics are prescribed long-term, it usually is to treat bipolar-1 to stabilize the client. In these cases, the drug is NOT being used to bring the person out of psychosis. Instead, it is being used to stabilize the person's moods so that she will not become manic. In this way, the drug is being used "off label" because it was originally approved for use in treating psychotic people, not for stabilizing bipolar sufferers. This off-label use nonetheless is done extensively because it is very effective in stabilizing many bipolar sufferers who cannot tolerate the lithium or similar drugs used for stabilization.

 

I therefore suggest you speak directly with your W's psychiatrist if you want to know what your W is being treated for. It sure sounds like she's being treated for bipolar-1, particularly since she became manic when treated with an antidepressant (which is how bipolar-1 sufferers usually react to antidepressants).

[reconcile]

Downtown,

 

She has been on Geodon, Seroquel, and Risperidone, they are considerd atypical anti-psychotics and she is to be on them indefinitely, not for psychosis, but as a mood stabilizer. Actually pretty common regimen for pwBPD. Practicioners are to go this route and avoid SSRI antidepressant route if possible. It is current best practice. I've been involved in all the doctor's visits early-on.

[Downtown]

Downtown, She has been on Geodon, Seroquel, and Risperidone, they are considerd atypical anti-psychotics and she is to be on them indefinitely, not for psychosis, but as a mood stabilizer. Actually pretty common regimen for pwBPD.

Yes, Reconcile, I suspect we're saying the same thing. I realize that many BPDers are prescribed such medications. That newer generation of drugs is called "atypical antipsychotics," as you say. My understanding, however, is that those drugs do not target -- and do not affect -- the BPD itself. Rather, they target the comorbid (i.e., co-occurring) "clinical disorders" -- such as depression, anxiety, bipolar, and other mood disorders and symptoms that can be treated with drugs. This use of antipsychotics for those comorbid disorders is apparent, for example, in a 2006 study that finds:

Clozapine was found to be efficacious on overall symptomatology, aggressiveness, and severe psychotic symptoms related to BPD. However, patients with BPD treated with clozapine frequently had Axis I comorbidities and had been refractory to previous treatments.

These patients did not have pure BPD

and they had already been treated unsuccessfully with other drugs.

See page 2 of

Mood Stabilizers and Novel Antipsychotics in the Treatment of BPD

.

A more recent (2011) survey of the results of 11 BPD studies (including 1152 BPDers) found that antipsychotics can substantially reduce anger in BPDers but have no "significant effect on impulsive behavioral dyscontrol, depressed mood, and anxiety in BPD." Only small effects were seen "on cognitive perceptual symptoms and mood lability as well as on global functioning." The survey concludes that, while antipsychotics can be helpful for the short-term in BPDers, the long-term use remains controversial. See Differential effectiveness of antipsychotics in BPD.

 

I note that a large-scale study of BPDers found about a third to have comorbid bipolar-1 and three-fourths to have a comorbid mood disorder. My understanding, then, is that the medications are targeting those co-occurring disorders, not BPD itself. But, granted, this distinction may become arbitrary if scientists eventually are able to prove that BPD arises from a physical problem in the brain.

[reconcile]

BlueIris,

 

I have kept thinking of my faith in modern single women around age 40 and how i have little faith in them. I see two main types out there: 1) jilted women that have vowed not to fall in love again (these are the good ones in my eyes, not co-dependent, strong), 2) needy woman-child types that don;t know what they want or need but will lunge at anything with a pulse.

 

My faith in these target women isnt lower exactly because of my wife, but because of their public and social media displays. The needy ones tend to pine openly online and go from extremes. I see things like "So blessed, feeling awesome".. and an hour later "I am so bummed, why are people no good- feeling horrible". I study this in single women and see it all too often. Daily.

 

It is hard to find a self-regulating woman in that target group. One part are man-haters and the others are man-haters/man-needers. Granted, the fewest people are single at age 40 than any other demographic, and they are single for a reason and are built up of jilted haters and generally love-damaged people or both. It is the most unstable age for durable romance I believe. It is a desperate age between fading good looks, empty-nesting, and menopause maybe. Menopause meaning the psychological effects of entering the onset years of being officially "old" in most peoples way of thinking and for the first time. Feelings of youth fade fast from 40-45 and are felt deeper by women I gather. Gray hair and such.

 

So, I fear mostly the internal clock of these women that want something fast, and those that want nothing at all. There are few in between that I get to see. The perfect ones in between tend to think of men as being way too optional and commit at the lowest levels. I would prefer someone that does have a bonding mechanism intact.

[BlueIris]

I disagree but we believe what we believe. Hopefully you will be confident and strong enough in yourself to be candid about your perspective as you move into dating so that the women you date can make their own choices accordingly. I really believe that people tend to pair up with people who fit their beliefs and perspectives. So we should all be candid about how we think and feel about life, love, relationship and the other gender.

 

Good luck. I hope you work out a good solution for yourself and your family.