My exMM contacted me to keep our affair a secret

[Dreamworld]

This is not so much to ask a question but just to vent. I have been in therapy and that and posting here and reading people's thoughts have been really therapeutic.

 

 

Anyway, the universe really acts in mysterious ways, as if it wanted to put me to the test of how I was doing these days, I just got a FB message from my ex-MM almost two years after we were caught and our affair ended. He threw me under the bus and left his wife and me to clean up the mess by the way. In the beginning after the end, I deleted and blocked him from my FB to really stick with the NC, (I just dropped it, we never had closure, though he tried to reach me numerous times on my phone after getting my changed number from mutual friends. I blocked that too) but after time passed I felt confident I was over the whole thing so I just unblocked and let him disappear in the FB world.

 

 

We first met in grad school, so we had always had mutual friends, but I wasn't active with them after the incident as I was distancing myself from everyone and everything that had to do with him in order to heal.

 

 

Recently I have been more like myself again and have been interacting here and there, and he must have been seen my activity through those mutual friends and in comes the message starting with

 

 

" Hey (insert nickname he used to called me) how have you been doing?"

When I saw this I ignored it. Btw I felt nothing whatsoever. Nothing.

 

 

Then a little while later he writes another message "I noticed you popping up in our mutual friends recently. We never got any closure cuz I couldn't reach you but I just wanted to let you know I never talked about the affair to anyone and never will. I hope you don't either, because I know you are a very truthful person and kind and naive, so if people ask you anything, I really hope you don't talk about it. Lets take it to the grave ok? I never got to say a proper goodbye. So I wish you happiness and happy holidays."

 

 

I ignored this too.

 

 

And that was that.

 

 

But my reaction honestly was of disgust. Basically he was contacting me after almost two years to keep my trap shut after he saw I was interacting with our friends again wasn't he. And it made me realize what an idiot I was to be taken by this coward. I was so tempted to have my last word but it wouldn't be worth it would it. And NO NO NO I have no interest to rekindle anything whatsover again. But this message made me angry. Am I right to feel disgusted and angry??

 

 

Anyway I wonder if any past OW's have had moments like these where the actions of the MM made them realized how blinded they had been in the affair??

 

 

Just wanted to vent....I feel like such a loser and am really insulted.

Thanks for reading.

[elaine567]

 

Recently I have been more like myself again and have been interacting here and there, and he must have been seen my activity through those mutual friends and in comes the message starting with

 

Then a little while later he writes another message "I noticed you popping up in our mutual friends recently. We never got any closure cuz I couldn't reach you but I just wanted to let you know I never talked about the affair to anyone and never will. I hope you don't either, because I know you are a very truthful person and kind and naive, so if people ask you anything, I really hope you don't talk about it. Lets take it to the grave ok? I never got to say a proper goodbye. So I wish you happiness and happy holidays."

 

Wow! he is a nice guy...

I love the way he called you "naive".

Say nothing to him, update your status with a meme like this or something that looks bland to others, but is a message to him, and make it public.

Honesty is an expensive gift - leave it up for a while, let him stew.

[Satu]

I would feel insulted too.

[stillmind]

YUCK. what a creep! I would absolutely be insulted.

[blue963]

I bet you would like to say, "you mean that you dont want everyone to know what a _______________ you were?" (insert your word of choice)

[Ronnie33]

What a douchebag.

[sunburned]

After two years, it was very unnecessary (and obnoxious) for him to tell you not to tell. If you were going to, you would have already. I love the ego -- he sees you more "active" with your mutual friends so he naturally assumes you must be discussing him. Block him again and let him wonder ... the poor bastard can suffer another two years.

[sunburned]

I bet you would like to say, "you mean that you dont want everyone to know what a _______________ you were?" (insert your word of choice)

 

My choice would be f*cktard.

[cif]

 

 

Anyway I wonder if any past OW's have had moments like these where the actions of the MM made them realized how blinded they had been in the affair??

 

 

Just wanted to vent....I feel like such a loser and am really insulted.

Thanks for reading.

 

Actually I was just thinking the opposite! How strong you are and far you've come!

 

And yes my moment came the first time xBF/MM contacted me after I went NC. It was only a couple months after he got married and his wife was pregnant. So here he is sitting on the couch next to this woman carrying his child and he's texting me about how much he misses me. Yuck!

[Dreamworld]

elaine567, the meme is awesome. Made me smile. Thank you!!

 

 

cif: When I ended up meeting the wife after she found out, (she wanted to talk to me because her husband was obviously not cooperating and she wasn't buying it) she was eight months pregnant. Seeing her was devastating and the guilt of everything I had been doing just came crashing down. We ended up talking for 5 hours in a hotel lobby. And you know what, in the end, she treated me with more respect than this guy ever did, considering the pain I caused her.

It is low to be cheating on your wife, but I think it goes to another level of low when the wife also happens to be pregnant. So yeah, yuck!!

 

 

sunburned: I can't agree with you more. After my own experience and when I read the other threads here, I can't help but notice how the EGO plays such a huge part in a cheater. Ego. Narcissism. Selfishness. Cowardice.

 

 

Well, it sure was a nice reminder of how STUPID I was. And that I won't ever ever ever be going down this path again.

Thanks for your support!

[Majormisstep]

Block him again. You don't need this crap in your road to recovery.

 

If I was in better place with my mind, body and soul (ok, vengeful LOL), I'd add to the FB meme: Karma is a b*tch.

[CALOVELY]

"Lets take it to the grave" is code for "I will never own up for my actions in this lifetime. I will continue to lie and deny because it's easier on me. Pretty please go along with me on this".

 

What a tool. This guy will never change. Put the blockers back on and realize who really is the naive one......a guy who thinks he can go through life doing whatever without consequence.

[the_artist_1970]

This is not so much to ask a question but just to vent. I have been in therapy and that and posting here and reading people's thoughts have been really therapeutic.

 

 

Anyway, the universe really acts in mysterious ways, as if it wanted to put me to the test of how I was doing these days, I just got a FB message from my ex-MM almost two years after we were caught and our affair ended. He threw me under the bus and left his wife and me to clean up the mess by the way. In the beginning after the end, I deleted and blocked him from my FB to really stick with the NC, (I just dropped it, we never had closure, though he tried to reach me numerous times on my phone after getting my changed number from mutual friends. I blocked that too) but after time passed I felt confident I was over the whole thing so I just unblocked and let him disappear in the FB world.

 

 

We first met in grad school, so we had always had mutual friends, but I wasn't active with them after the incident as I was distancing myself from everyone and everything that had to do with him in order to heal.

 

 

Recently I have been more like myself again and have been interacting here and there, and he must have been seen my activity through those mutual friends and in comes the message starting with

 

 

" Hey (insert nickname he used to called me) how have you been doing?"

When I saw this I ignored it. Btw I felt nothing whatsoever. Nothing.

 

 

Then a little while later he writes another message "I noticed you popping up in our mutual friends recently. We never got any closure cuz I couldn't reach you but I just wanted to let you know I never talked about the affair to anyone and never will. I hope you don't either, because I know you are a very truthful person and kind and naive, so if people ask you anything, I really hope you don't talk about it. Lets take it to the grave ok? I never got to say a proper goodbye. So I wish you happiness and happy holidays."

 

 

I ignored this too.

 

 

And that was that.

 

 

But my reaction honestly was of disgust. Basically he was contacting me after almost two years to keep my trap shut after he saw I was interacting with our friends again wasn't he. And it made me realize what an idiot I was to be taken by this coward. I was so tempted to have my last word but it wouldn't be worth it would it. And NO NO NO I have no interest to rekindle anything whatsover again. But this message made me angry. Am I right to feel disgusted and angry??

 

 

Anyway I wonder if any past OW's have had moments like these where the actions of the MM made them realized how blinded they had been in the affair??

 

 

Just wanted to vent....I feel like such a loser and am really insulted.

Thanks for reading.

 

Exactly! He contacted you to make sure that you didn't tell the truth to your mutual acquaintances. What a self serving person he is. I would tell the world and let him know that I did.

[Lady2163]

Gently...why did you bother to unblock him?

 

I feel for,you and you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.

 

Just don't give him a second chance to throw you under the bus.

 

And I agree with some kind of public meme to make him sweat.

 

Beware of messages that give you the urge to respond or defend yourself.

 

Heard a great line on an old Robin Williams cut. He's arguing with his imaginary child and they are going back and forth. At one point the son says, "Well, dad, like you always say...let the ash hole have the last word." To which Robin starts sputtering, then realizes he has said the last word and sputters some more.

 

I like that a whole lot. Let the ash hole have the last word...

[Toodaloo]

Don't say anything to him at all.

 

Let him stew away and continue to wonder if you will talk about it or not. I suggest that you don't purely because people do tend to have a blacker view on the OW in these things...

 

What a douch. Keep walking away.

[Dreamworld]

Hi Lady2163, unblocking didnt hold this big meaning. I was simply over him and just didnt feel the need to deliberately have his name in my blocked list. For me unblocking was just letting go. That is all.

 

Hi Toodaloo, I had no intention at all of telling anyone about the affair in the first place. It was my wrongdoing, I owned up to it, I didnt feel the need to have to discuss it. It is not something I am proud of and I am beyond wanting to cause him humiliation. I really dont care. And yes I am aware the ow gets burned more, unfortunately, so I also knew telling would possibly have more of a detrimental effect on me and my reputation. Which was why I was so disgusted this guy thought I was stupid enough to want to blab to our friends. Why the hell would I want to dig my own grave? I feel grateful enough his wife listened to my side of the story ( i was honest with her and prepared to face the consequences) and chose not to do anything to me. She could have easily gone to everyone I knew and spilled everything. And from her stance, rightfully so. And i would have been shunned without a doubt. And here he comes two years later afraid I would run my mouth. Just goes to show what he thought of me.

 

Thanks again for your support. I think this "event" is actually helping even more in my recovery. I was so so blind.

[still_an_Angel]

Far out! What a creep! You're doing great with NC, please keep it up!

I have other ideas on how to get back at this loser but nah, he's not worth it. Just keep moving on and leave this (bleep bleep) firmly in the past.

[sunburned]

I feel grateful enough his wife listened to my side of the story ( i was honest with her and prepared to face the consequences) and chose not to do anything to me. She could have easily gone to everyone I knew and spilled everything. And from her stance, rightfully so. And i would have been shunned without a doubt. And here he comes two years later afraid I would run my mouth. Just goes to show what he thought of me.

 

 

Dreamworld, it sounds like you have handled this maturely and with the right amount of introspection. The part of your post I quoted just makes his comments that much more perplexing. If his W didn't out him or embarrass you years ago, why would he think you'd go telling now?? Why would you do that to yourself? It's almost like he's concerned you're so proud of your A with him that you're going to shout it from the FB rooftops! Hello, self-centered.

[sunburned]

sunburned: I can't agree with you more. After my own experience and when I read the other threads here, I can't help but notice how the EGO plays such a huge part in a cheater. Ego. Narcissism. Selfishness. Cowardice.

 

 

Well, it sure was a nice reminder of how STUPID I was. And that I won't ever ever ever be going down this path again.

Thanks for your support!

 

Welcome to Club Stupid. The nicest thing is we don't have to be members for life!

[Cressida]

YUCK. what a creep! I would absolutely be insulted.

 

The exact same word just popped into my head. CREEP.

 

What a motherf*cker he is....really who does that?

 

Perhaps he was just 'insulted' by the lack of response from you and decided to test the waters by being a douchebag and throwing in a little insult to see if you react...I doubt that any normal-minded person would ever say such things, particularly as THEY were the ones to get back with their spouse and throw you under the bus....TWO YEARS LATER? Doesn't this guy think you have a life?

 

He's either mental, or just messing with you......

 

Don't get public with your affair with him, DO NOT DEGRADE YOURSELF UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. This would be the worst you could do!

 

Think about a great FB message to send him, before you delete and block him from your social media....something really heart-ripping, but said with a few clever words. Ask a guy about how to word it, men know where the blow must be delivered better than us...

 

That is, IF you want to pop him one....I'd feel terribly insulted and want to pinch him as well, to sting hard...what an idiot.....

 

Don't go down the honesty lane and cryptic posts with this dude, he won't get a thing. You could have your FB status something like 'funny how some people seem to never let go, wow....feeling sorry for them' or something of the sort, and have a friend comment on it with a few quips to scare the sh*t out of him...

 

He seems to be in a totally 'wrong' place as far as you are concerned if he says stuff like this. WTF? Calling you naive and telling you to keep your mouth shut after years of not speaking, what is he thinking, that you'll jump and tell everyone about him just because he said hello? Jesus....

 

Hmmmm forward that message to his wife......and enjoy the show:p

[Cressida]

Oh or even better- mess with him a little. Send him a very holistic, bio-inspired message about how you have changed a lot and made peace with your inner child....that in long therapy sessions with Master Kokoro you discovered that it was Mercury conjunct Saturn's influence, when you needed Mars quincux the Moon...and you felt so terrible for your 'past mistake'....that you wish you never did that....

 

but that part of your recovery is to come forth and clean about everything...as your name is now Fern and you live in some forest outside the city/nearest city, wearing a mumu and playing ukulele, you have discovered the true meaning of life.....and you have to tell the truth....to everyone, so Fern can be free.... and that it's good that he reminded you....forever grateful...

 

Watch him lose his sh*t in 2.5 seconds...

[sunburned]

Cressida, you get ponts for a sense of humor and I'm going to steal your mercury rising rant for future use but BAD advice to the OP. Dreamworld, silence is the best insult. Don't reply.

[Cressida]

:p:p yup, silence is golden. i was just kidding

[jellybean89]

This is not so much to ask a question but just to vent. I have been in therapy and that and posting here and reading people's thoughts have been really therapeutic.

 

Anyway, the universe really acts in mysterious ways, as if it wanted to put me to the test of how I was doing these days, I just got a FB message from my ex-MM almost two years after we were caught and our affair ended. He threw me under the bus and left his wife and me to clean up the mess by the way. In the beginning after the end, I deleted and blocked him from my FB to really stick with the NC, (I just dropped it, we never had closure, though he tried to reach me numerous times on my phone after getting my changed number from mutual friends. I blocked that too) but after time passed I felt confident I was over the whole thing so I just unblocked and let him disappear in the FB world.

 

Then a little while later he writes another message "I noticed you popping up in our mutual friends recently. We never got any closure cuz I couldn't reach you but I just wanted to let you know I never talked about the affair to anyone and never will. I hope you don't either, because I know you are a very truthful person and kind and naive, so if people ask you anything, I really hope you don't talk about it. Lets take it to the grave ok? I never got to say a proper goodbye. So I wish you happiness and happy holidays."

 

But my reaction honestly was of disgust. Basically he was contacting me after almost two years to keep my trap shut after he saw I was interacting with our friends again wasn't he. And it made me realize what an idiot I was to be taken by this coward. I was so tempted to have my last word but it wouldn't be worth it would it. And NO NO NO I have no interest to rekindle anything whatsover again. But this message made me angry. Am I right to feel disgusted and angry??

 

Just wanted to vent....I feel like such a loser and am really insulted.

Thanks for reading.

 

I was going to ask why you unblocked him, but noticed someone else did and you responded with

I was simply over him and just didnt feel the need to deliberately have his name in my blocked list. For me unblocking was just letting go.

huh? Do you routinely look at your blocked list? It isn't a function that is right there on your home page..it is kinda buried. I have 2 people on my blocked list and actually didn't even remember that until you mentioned it here. Are you sure that is the reason you chose to unblock him? Seems like there has to be something more than that...and that's ok. Maybe you were/are curious about him/his marriage? Maybe you just wanted to know what is going on in his life? But to say you didn't feel the need to have him on your blocked list is such a strange 'reason' for unblocking him....You don't have to comment on that; but I urge you to examine within yourself the 'real' reason why you chose to unblock him.

 

I also urge you to reblock him. No sense in upsetting yourself by getting creepy, inappropriate messages from him.

[Dreamworld]

Hi jellybean89 thanks for your comment. I dont mind replying at all

No honestly there really was no intention whatsoever. By the time I unblocked him I was not curious about him at all. I didnt even check his page once I unblocked. And yes I do check my blocked list from time to time and I also routinely check my friend list and clean up (unfriend) those who I dont talk to or interact with anymore. I also get rid of phone contacts I no longer need the use for too. It is my personality, I just dont want to see names that I have moved on from in my FB or my phone or anywhere else.

Thank you though for the thoughts. I totally know what you mean and it is definitely something I thought about and also covered in my therapy sessions.

If he does continue to bother me ( i dont think he will) then I guess I will have to block him. But i dont even care anymore to even do that. Sorry if this makes no sense to you, hehe.

Thanks all again for the support and humor!!