My exMM contacted me to keep our affair a secret

[spiderowl]

Exactly! He contacted you to make sure that you didn't tell the truth to your mutual acquaintances. What a self serving person he is. I would tell the world and let him know that I did.

 

Ironically, his actions could easily have triggered what he was supposedly trying to prevent - telling the world. If someone said that to me, I would be incredibly tempted to drop him in it again, for his insulting behaviour. However, it could be another way to get attention so the most painful thing for him would be if you ignored it and clearly weren't interested in contact with him in any form, and if you left him wondering. The advice other posters offer sounds good!

[GypsumSatellite]

I just want to say on behalf of all us naive folk out there, naive is better than being a jerkface.

 

And there's nothing insulting about being naive. We're born naive.We stay naive until someone mistreats us and upgrades our naivete to wizened. Pity the ones who prey on the naive for they can't handle someone their own size. Which is small and petty, to be exact.

 

Look how terrified he is. Someone he cares about might know what he did. Someone might not respect him anymore. Look at how much power he sees that you have. Makes you wonder why the lion is scared of the mouse, right?

 

Keep strong, Dreamworld. Stay big.

[spiderowl]

Actually, thinking about what he said again, there is a whole load of disguised aggression there in his message. He is being insulting, calling you naive, and implying you can be persuaded by such as him into keeping everything a secret. He is trying to gain control over you whilst at the same time getting in little digs designed to hurt. I don't think this is about stopping you talking; it's about his anger at losing control of you.

[Dreamworld]

Thanks for the continued responses. You guys have all been there in some form or other and your advice helps so much.

 

Cressida, my marriage/ relationship therapist also mentioned something similar about his actions. Basically I was off the radar ( in his world that is) for two years right? Then all of a sudden he sees me having a life of my own. Not dying from pain. Not pining after him. But actually well, living. And selfish and manipulative people that make up the majority of cheaters ( such traits enable them to cheat so well in the first place, so they say) have the automatic reaction of wanting to step in and cause a ripple ( as in hey you hey there yoo hoo remember me?)

 

He started with a hello and gauged my reaction. There was none so he brought up the affair, something that he knew was a weak point for me. But ah, WAS a weak point. Trying to remind me of him again, and at the same time trying to save his ass. I think cheaters have a whole different way of looking at the world. They automatically assume the whole old revolves around them, so like someone said, he sees me around our friends two years and assumes right off the bat I would be talking about him. How full of themselves are these people?

 

Yes when the affair happened I was just divorced with a little child, lonely and incredibly scared. Going to school was my way of coping with the drastic change that came to my life. And he was there, charming, sweet, attentive. He is right. I was naive then. But not anymore. I woke up and smelled the coffee and went on with my life. He probably thought I was the same person. And when he sensed it wasnt so, he went for what he thought was my Achilles heel.

 

Like you guys said, who is the naive one now right?

Happy weekend! And I am doing just fine.

[Dreamworld]

Actually, thinking about what he said again, there is a whole load of disguised aggression there in his message. He is being insulting, calling you naive, and implying you can be persuaded by such as him into keeping everything a secret. He is trying to gain control over you whilst at the same time getting in little digs designed to hurt. I don't think this is about stopping you talking; it's about his anger at losing control of you.

 

Spiderowl, we were writing our posts at the same time. And i was basically writing the same thing. You and Cressida are right on the money.

[veryhappy]

He's the loser, don't let him make you feel bad about yourself.

 

 

If you decide to send something or to post something make it about penis size. Guys like these are always insecure and there's nothing like judging his performance.

 

 

You may have been naïve two years ago, and I qualify myself as naive looking back, but for him to actually say it...he's given you the gift of not regretting his absence in your life.

[Dreamworld]

Dreamworld, it sounds like you have handled this maturely and with the right amount of introspection. The part of your post I quoted just makes his comments that much more perplexing. If his W didn't out him or embarrass you years ago, why would he think you'd go telling now?? Why would you do that to yourself? It's almost like he's concerned you're so proud of your A with him that you're going to shout it from the FB rooftops! Hello, self-centered.

 

 

Hi sunburned, I have no idea about that either. I mean if I wanted to tell I would have done so already, as somenone here already mentioned as well.

I think it was like a knee jerk reaction for him. Suddenly there I was in plain sight among friends we both knew after a long hiatus (obviously, he couldn't see me since he had been blocked during all that time, plus I had been laying low in general) and he panicked. In addition to trying to gauge my reaction to him after all this time.

 

 

Since I was so open to his wife (I told her the truth when she asked me to please tell her the truth) I guess he assumed if someone else even posed a question about it I would do the same thing. Again, he must have thought I had an IQ of 50 or something. Once again, so embarrassed to have been involved with such an idiot.

 

 

Oh, speaking of the wife, I heard vaguely throught the grapevine she did out him eventually. I don't have any desire to check up on the facts so I don't know if it was just hearsay or not, but a mutual friend did mention earlier briefly something about him separating from his wife. But that has been awhile already so who knows what happened to them.

 

 

All I know is that two years ago, when she and I talked, I was prepared for even legal action. Where I am from, we have a law that is very similar to the Alienation of Affection Law that exists in some U.S states where a betrayed spouse can sue both the cheater and the affair partner for adultery. The fine is pretty hefty, and in some really severe cases, warrant a jail sentence as well. But you have to do it within 6 months of the affair or the whole thing gets voided.

 

 

The 5 hour hotel lobby meeting two years ago was the last I heard from her. I took it as her accepting my apology. Something I am grateful to this day. Because she had it in her complete power to completely ruin my life. In more ways than one. Man was I playing with fire. Sheesh.

 

 

This event made me realize again how much of a bigger person she was than her husband will ever be.

 

 

Cutedragon, thank you! I agree with you

[Cressida]

'This event made me realize again how much of a bigger person she was than her husband will ever be'

 

I think you are lucky indeed she didn't take the cray-cray path to make a legal deal about the relationship you had with her husband, however I don't think she did it out of the greatness of her heart or character, but because it would have made her husband and their family look equally bad...herself as well, washing her dirty laundry in public. It would have degraded her as a wife and him as HER husband...

 

Plus if you live in a relatively small community or you have enough common friends acquaintances to hear stuff 'through the grapevine' then this could be another explanation for her decision to keep quiet and sweep the whole thing under the rug. Particularly as your relationship didn't continue.

 

She doesn't seem to be too smart if she's MARRIED to that sort of douchebag....no offense but like you said, the guy sounds like a huge tool and just an idiot:D it's good you got rid of him.