Advice for a woman in a relationship w/ a large age difference

[manders_01]

I'm interested in hearing from people who have been involved in relationships where a significant age difference is present (i.e. more than 10 years).

 

I have just started dating someone who is 23 years my senior (I am 27, he is 50). Neither of us has a problem with it but I know my friends and (eventually when we share it with our families) families do. Even though my friends have shown support and are excited for me, I know deep down they are questioning the validity of our relationship.

 

Age has never been an issue for me and two men I have dated in my "adult" life have been 12 and 18 years older than me. The one that was 12 yrs older and I had a very strong relationship and it only ended because he was in the middle of a divorce and he had kids involved. The other man treated me like a child and that drove me nuts. That relationship lasted less than two weeks and I was about 22 at the time. I was 26 when I dated the man 12 yrs older than me.

 

My current "boyfriend" is not the typical 50 year old. He is very much a "kid at heart" but not immature. He runs his own farm and carries on very intellectual conversations with me. He is currently going through a divorce. He has three kids: 25, 23 and 21. I care about him very much, have a wonderful time with him, he treats me with respect and quite frankly, the sex is amazing and the best I've ever had.

 

I wanted to post not so that anyone can tell me that I should or should not be dating this man - only I know what's best for me. What I would like to know is how some have dealt with age gaps in their relationships, especially in regard to friends and family.

 

Thanks!

[alphamale]

23 yrs is too large an age gap. 10 or 12 yrs gap is do-able.

[manders_01]

I agree and disagree Alpha.

 

23 is very large age gap for someone 18-19 who hasn't matured much. But think of it when they are 60 and 83 - it's nothing.

 

My feeling has always been that age is just a number - and I still think that.

[li'l bunny]

My parents had friends who were married for forty years or so and they had twenty four years between them. He had been married before and the marriage had broken up. They fell in love and had two children together. Her family had a hard time accepting it but they did eventually when they saw how genuine their love for one another was.

 

Unfortunately he died in his early eighties and she was only just sixty. She has met someone else now...but I don't think she ever regretted her decision to marry someone that much older.

 

The only thing is, she was only twenty when they get married and he was forty four. If you want to have children you have to consider the fact that your children would have a higher chance of growing up without a dad. I know it's a horrible thing to say but you have to consider it.

[manders_01]

Thank you lil' bunny.

 

I don't want to have kids and he already has three so that isn't so much an issue. But I can see why you would say so - under different circumstances, it would be important.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by manders_01

23 is very large age gap for someone 18-19 who hasn't matured much. But think of it when they are 60 and 83 - it's nothing.

 

My feeling has always been that age is just a number - and I still think that.

You think there is not a big diff between 60 and 83? Are u insane? The average american lives to 73 or 74.

 

When you are 50 he will be reaching the avg age of death.

[manders_01]

Originally posted by alphamale

You think there is not a big diff between 60 and 83? Are u insane? The average american lives to 73 or 74.

 

When you are 50 he will be reaching the avg age of death.

 

 

 

Actually, the current life expectancy for a male at birth is 74.5. If he makes it to 65, add another 16.6 years. That makes him 81.6. When he makes it 75, add 10.3 years. Now he's 85.3. That's as of 2002.

 

In 1980, the life expectancy for a male at 75 was 8.8 more years. That's 1.5 years difference in 25 years. So in another 25 years, when my 50 yr old hits 75, expect him to live another 11.8 years.

 

86.8 - not bad!

[RoxStar]

I dated someone that was 16 years my senior and he got very fatherly of me and protective and I couldnt take it. He talked to me like he talked to his daughters. He also had a tendency to be condescening after a while. Not at first of course. At first all was fun and we got along great but over time I just felt that I didnt need another dad. I was 29 and he was 45.

[Mr Spock]

Ok, I'm not trying to be impolite but since all of your adult relationships involve much older men, do you have Daddy issues? What gives?

 

 

 

60 and 83?

 

 

HUGE difference. Like the difference from 20 to 40. I mean, it's 23 years on a person's body. It's not like you reach the age of 60 and your body just says "Hell, I feel OLD" and stays that way, it continues to age. 60 to 80 is the difference between bruising and breaking a hip.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by manders_01

Actually, the current life expectancy for a male at birth is 74.5. If he makes it to 65, add another 16.6 years. That makes him 81.6. When he makes it 75, add 10.3 years. Now he's 85.3. That's as of 2002.

 

In 1980, the life expectancy for a male at 75 was 8.8 more years. That's 1.5 years difference in 25 years. So in another 25 years, when my 50 yr old hits 75, expect him to live another 11.8 years.

 

86.8 - not bad!

stop trying to justify the relationship using actuarial stats and tables

[manders_01]

Originally posted by alphamale

stop trying to justify the relationship using actuarial stats and tables

 

I'm not trying to justify my relationship. And if you re-read my original post I specifically state that I'm not looking for anyone to tell me that I should or should not be in this relationship. You don't know either of to be able to judge whether you think we make a good couple.

[Illusion24]

My bf is 19 and I'm 23 and let me tell you we just went through some rough waters....but in the end what matters is the bond and love you have for each other...Your age difference is significant because face it he can be your father ...You need to look at the whole relationship as one....

 

You need to ask yourself...Does he make me feel good? Does he love me the way I need to be loved? Does he provide for me? Does he fulfill me in every way?...

 

It's really ultimately up to you if you're up for the challenge...The thing that matters,manders, is your happiness

[manders_01]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Ok, I'm not trying to be impolite but since all of your adult relationships involve much older men, do you have Daddy issues? What gives?

 

No daddy issues. Mostly body issues - most older men don't care if you aren't a supermodel. They've grown up enough to realize that not only can someone with imperfections on the surface be a great person but that they are sometimes much more interesting than someone without them.

 

I agree that the body never stops aging but you've made it seem that only one body has aged. I'm not still going to be 27 while he's aging, I'm moving up there too.

 

But let me restate that I'm not looking for anyone to tell me whether they think we should be together.

[manders_01]

One more time for anyone reading this thread - I'm not looking for approval. Only myself and he can decide if we belong together.

 

I would like to know if anyone has gone through a similar situation and if so, how they dealt with it in respect to their friends and families.

[st8toftheheart]

I'm not sure how long have you've been seeing each other but there is also a potential for cultural differences.

 

And by cultural differences I mean that generations tend to grow up with a certain mindset.

 

My gf and I have 10 years between us. I being the older. There have been times when we clashed over lifestyle, beliefs on sex etc.

 

For example, Marijuana was very taboo when I was growing up, and today it almost seems common place, as it not the worst thing someone can do these days. We have argued about this, and its not like she had a problem either. Music clothing. All superficial things mind you but that's why we're probably still together.

 

The further you are apart in age can sometimes make these situations difficult because you have difficulty relating.

 

If you are truly fond of each other, I'd wait it out to ensure there is true compatibility there.

[Illusion24]

My family tells me all the time that he may not be ready when I am to settle down...but he will because he's told me so...and when you love someone you make sacrifices and if you're family knows how much you feel for him I'm sure they won't judge you or make you feel as if you're making a bad chose...

 

My friends tell me jokes about "hey you're dating someone who's the same age as my little bro"...I just laugh and say yeah I know but he can't f*ck me the way mine does...

 

My family now after they got to know him...just love him and adore him...they see the love we have for each other and my grandma even said..."that's the one you're going to marry" so eventually they'll except your love though they might have a hard time at first

[Mr Spock]

You'll probably end up getting the opinion of the poster even if you don't want it.

 

Your parents won't be thrilled. But if they love you, they'll get over it. As your family and friends get to know him (unless they're so immobile they won't even speak to him) they'll mellow out about it, unless of course they hate him.

 

My furthest age gap was 15 years. Of course, you are dating someone who's what, just a little younger than your parents? They may never get used to it.

 

All you can do is prepare them for it beforehand. I'm dating a nice, 50 year old man. I really like him, and I think you will too.

 

 

Men who don't like chicks based soley on their body will be that way regardless of age.

 

 

Don't ever expect his children to treat you as an equal, or even like you. You're two years older than his eldest. It will forever gross them out.

[Teag]

I think age is just a number as long as your both mature. My husbands grandfathers wife is 20 yrs younger than him. He has 2 children thats older than her & she's only 6 months older than my mother in law. They've been together for 17 years and they are still happy. so I say as long as your happy & he treats your good, go for it.

[li'l bunny]

You're generalising (is that a word??) Mr Spock. It really depends on the family. The couple my parents were friendly with, the H had a daughter from his former marriage. I used to think it was funny because both kids from the second marriage were actually younger than their nephew!! But that daughter was friends with her 'step-mom' though she never really thought of her as such because she had been living with her own mom and was at that stage too old to live with her dad.

 

They all got on well and are extremely nice people.

 

I think if you are very serious about this man your family and friends will see this in time and accept it. I really don't believe there is anything you can 'do' as such to make them accept him. Just give it time.

[manders_01]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

My furthest age gap was 15 years. Of course, you are dating someone who's what, just a little younger than your parents? They may never get used to it.

 

Don't ever expect his children to treat you as an equal, or even like you. You're two years older than his eldest. It will forever gross them out.

 

I'm the youngest by quite a few years so there's a nice gap between him and my parents.

 

His middle son knows that we are together and is actually quite encouraging of it (even to my surprise). I think his youngest (a girl) will be the hardest to win over.

[Mr Spock]

Ok. So be specific then. Are you worried about....YOUR family, or his? I'm thinking more about his female children. Boys think ANYONE getting laid is cool. I'm stating that the age won't matter if your parents like him. If they don't, then it will. Like you, except they're not sleeping with him. It may TAINT their opinion of him, and he may have to work harder to gain approval. If they're particularly ancient they may even regard him as a young pup.

 

 

 

Generalizations aren't necessarily bad. Especially when certain situations (social formulas, if you will) tend to be similar where ever you go.

 

 

The thing people always get wrong is thinking that they're the exception to the rule.

[tiki]

I had a relationship for four years with a man fourteen years my senior. Everything was fine. Looking back, it scares me a little (about him) because I was so young when we bagan the relationship. Kinda makes me go " " now. But other than that, it was fine. We were different racially, socially, economically, culturally, all that crap. But we obviously made it work. Well, for four years anyway.

[manders_01]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Ok. So be specific then. Are you worried about....YOUR family, or his?

 

Specifically, my mother and a close girlfriend.

 

My mom is the most negative person you will ever meet. My sister and her husband have been married for 11 years with two kids and my mom still thinks they should get divorced. My dad has already told me that he doesn't care about age (we've discussed the topic prior to my current relationship several times).

 

My parents are 59 & 60. My brother was married to a woman who is 6 years younger then my mom. The age gap between them never came into play (and their divorce was not based on age).

 

As for the girlfriend, we've known each other since the age of 5. She's highly opinoinated and constantly plays devil's advocate. I feel that is again what she is doing with this situation but I know she doesn't realize that sometimes she goes overboard. We have a girlfriend getting married and she was having some issues. The devil's advocate seemed to be enjoying putting more doubts in her mind. She has been supportive for the most part thus far but I know she will start in with that soon.

[Mr Spock]

It doesn't sound like anyone you or your siblings bring home will please your Mother, so discount her opinion. If she can keep her mouth shut and be polite sometimes that's all you get.

 

 

I'm suprised your GF doesn't already know. I am awful about keeping my mouth shut about current humps to my close friends. They're pretty aware of how much I feel about one person or another.

 

Or wait, does she know? I'm confused. It may very well be she's been OK thus far because it hasn't progressed to a more serious stage.

 

Are you worried about her putting doubts into your mind about the suitability of old dood?

[tiki]

Are you pretty serious about gramps? Just kidding.

 

But seriously, are you guys getting pretty serious? And maybe I missed it, but how long have you two been together?