When you don't stalk them on Social Media

[whatssoraven]

...oh how freeing that can be. I have realized that stalking the AP on social media is the equivalent of poking yourself continuously with a super sharp stick in the eye. The most agonizing moments of the affair was when I constantly checked twitter, facebook, instagram, only to be confronted with his seemingly happy family life and declarations of love to and from his significant other. And even posts of their adventures, their travels, etc. Boy, did that sting big time. While I understand that being in an affair doesn't mean that people can't still live their lives, I still couldn't shake that nagging envy that constantly washed over me and subsequently ruined my days. Hey I'm human right?

 

 

But then one day I stopped doing that. I just stopped cold turkey because I realized that nothing good ever came out it. Why would I purposely seek out pain? and not the good kind for that matter. It's crazy making!.

 

 

He has been gone on vacation for a month now, he told me the details before leaving (most of which I've forgotten) but I simply took him at his word and I haven't checked or even had the urge to check what he's doing, not once. What you don't know, doesn't hurt you. I feel free now, content, calm, even when I don't hear from him for days because they are on a romantic getaway. My mind doesn't wander to what he could be doing or how much they could be having because it's not in my face.

 

 

Just my little tidbit. And please no self righteous replies on how I need to get out of this affair. That is not the point of my post.

[Quiet Storm]

I understand it makes you feel better, but what you are doing is actually an unhealthy coping mechanism called denial.

 

The uncomfortable feelings that you had when you saw those things are there for a reason- to prompt you to make changes in your life.

 

By avoiding reality, you are creating a false sense of security. You are finding a way to protect yourself from the pain of it without actually dealing with the cause of your pain.

 

I'm not trying to be self righteous or judge. I genuinely just want to give you some insight to help you. Avoiding, escaping, numbing, burying, minimizing, denying... they may be temporary fixes, but in the long run, they aren't good ways to cope. People that cope like this eventually crash when reality hits or they become so detached from their feelings they are a shadow of the person they used to be. When we train our brains to avoid negative feelings, it's only a matter of time before our happy, vibrant self gets numbed out as well.

[whatssoraven]

Thank you Quiet Storm. Like I said, I was just sharing a point of view and don't want the preaching, I know all about it.

 

 

Not trying to be rude...just saying...

[Quiet Storm]

I wasn't preaching... more like teaching. You say you already know all about it, and still choose this life. Maybe some other readers will gain some insight and realize that denial may not be in their best interests. Peace.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I think there is a fine line between ignoring trouble/feelings and simply not inviting trouble. For me, ignoring social media would have been not inviting trouble. I think for the OP it's the same thing. She knows enough and can infer what's happening, but digging for every detail would be borrowing trouble. I don't think knowing where the boundaries are and not crossing them so as to not make yourself crazy is a sign she's soon to be a shell of her former self. If anything, it's realizing your limits and what is productive and unproductive stress, and extinguishing it.

[Cressida]

Why would you stalk them on social media, if you know they're with their partner/spouse, living their lives as they see fit? HE should be stalking yours....you should put some beautiful photos in which you look beautiful and happy....and then let the games begin

[still_an_Angel]

I see no point in stalking MM & his W on social media, a part of it is for show anyway. Friends and relatives see how happy and perfect their M is and that's for them to enjoy. But they know the real score in their R and so do I, like the real reason why they stand away from each other in photos or one would be looking in another direction when they do stand together. Things are not always the same beneath the surface.

[Cressida]

I see no point in stalking MM & his W on social media, a part of it is for show anyway. Friends and relatives see how happy and perfect their M is and that's for them to enjoy. But they know the real score in their R and so do I, like the real reason why they stand away from each other in photos or one would be looking in another direction when they do stand together. Things are not always the same beneath the surface.

 

Word. If he was so happy he wouldn't have had an affair, first of all. Secondly, his W shows lack of character by immediately jumping in the lovey dovey mood with 'hubby' while she's most probably boiling on the inside because of his betrayal. To pretend there's no pink elephant in the room and you're just a super duper happy couple to me is Humiliation 2.0. No need for fireworks, confetti and party poppers there. Just move it along.

[Cressida]

While I understand that being in an affair doesn't mean that people can't still live their lives (...)

 

What you don't know, doesn't hurt you. (...) they are on a romantic getaway

 

Dude is most probably pretending to be 'romantic' while his thoughts are with the OW- you, or someone else (I don't know the details of your story, sorry). There cannot be true romance, relaxation and great feelings between two people when one's mentally somewhere else, and believe me he is. Maybe she is as well.

 

'What you don't know, AND YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT, doesn't hurt you', I'd rephrase....don't value things that bear no actual value in the real world...he can take his wife on a private jet and have dinner on the Eiffel Tower in Paris every evening...he could shower her with diamonds and sexy laced black satin teddies and you'd KNOW his mind is somewhere else, and once the fuss is off, he'll get the old itch again.....this is just for show. IMO obviously

 

Don't look at his FB, twitter, instagram....make your own pages and post your own photos with friends and maybe a new guy....you'll see how better you'll feel after this:love:stay strong

[anne1707]

Dude is most probably pretending to be 'romantic' while his thoughts are with the OW- you, or someone else (I don't know the details of your story, sorry). There cannot be true romance, relaxation and great feelings between two people when one's mentally somewhere else, and believe me he is. Maybe she is as well.

 

Sorry but the above definitely cannot be assumed. During my affair, when I went on holiday with my husband I looked upon it as a time of relief almost where I could concentrate on being with my husband and building new memories together. I loved our holidays together and never contacted the exOM whilst away. I actually told him that I could not text from abroad (which was a lie) just so that he did not contact me either. All in all, my thoughts and feelings were right where I was with my husband.

 

Just to add but is not the thread topic: the fact that I did not contact the exOM during holidays does not make my affair any "less bad" than other affairs. I got too good at compartmentalisation and manipulation.

[Cressida]

Sorry but the above definitely cannot be assumed. During my affair, when I went on holiday with my husband I looked upon it as a time of relief almost where I could concentrate on being with my husband and building new memories together. I loved our holidays together and never contacted the exOM whilst away. I actually told him that I could not text from abroad (which was a lie) just so that he did not contact me either. All in all, my thoughts and feelings were right where I was with my husband.

 

 

That is because you are a woman, and perhaps at that time you were trying to get into problem-solving mode. You valued your marriage with your husband, you were emotional and guilt-ridden about your affair. You felt tormented I believe, if you say you saw the holiday as time of relief.

 

Women invest feelings and emotions and get hurt, and need healing. Men can compartimentalize and sex is sex, attachment is attachment, romantic love is romantic love. While a woman (perhaps you, let's say) will be affected by her emotions, and seek ways of escaping the 'negativity' of the affair and put her thoughts in order, a man will objectively see the affair and OW as something 'desirable' and 'appealing' and will still think about it in positive terms, as he's not taken away by a romantic fantasy and can keep his head clear.

 

My comment also regarded the 'show' of happiness on social media networks and not a typical post-affair situation. I specifically referred to the artificial hoo-ha that some married couples present, when it's hard to believe they're so happy and they're not posting those photos just because it looks nice for people to see how happy or good looking they are together. This is my opinion of course, I could be wrong, and there's always the exception to the 'rule'

[anne1707]

No. The relief was that I did not have to keep responding to needy texts from the exOM. Simple as that.

[Cressida]

No. The relief was that I did not have to keep responding to needy texts from the exOM. Simple as that.

 

Then you're one of the lucky ladies who didn't end up with their hearts broken over a MM, ruining their marriages while he coddled his wife. I am really glad to see reversed situations like these, honestly. Finally someone who didn't lose everything for a man:love:

[anne1707]

Then you're one of the lucky ladies who didn't end up with their hearts broken over a MM, ruining their marriages while he coddled his wife. I am really glad to see reversed situations like these, honestly. Finally someone who didn't lose everything for a man:love:

 

He wasn't married and did not have a gf either. He asked me to leave my H repeatedly but I just kept putting him off, using him to suit my cake eating.

[Cressida]

Oh even better. Let me rephrase-

 

The you're one of the lucky ladies who didn't end up with their hearts broken over a man, ruining their marriages:love:

 

This happens way too often, as you can see here on this thread. You were lucky and perhaps didn't lose your head as other ladies have unfortunately done.I am genuinely glad to hear about a 'happy ending' for once

[anne1707]

Oh even better. Let me rephrase-

 

The you're one of the lucky ladies who didn't end up with their hearts broken over a man, ruining their marriages:love:

 

This happens way too often, as you can see here on this thread. You were lucky and perhaps didn't lose your head as other ladies have unfortunately done.I am genuinely glad to hear about a 'happy ending' for once

 

No, that is not the case. I almost lost my marriage over my affair. I had to go through IC to deal with the emotional mess I was in. Nowhere did I say I was emotionally detached as your post seems to suggest.

 

But my point still stands. It cannot be assumed that the WS is pining away for the OM/OW whilst on holiday with their spouse.

[Cressida]

Anne, I didn't intend to say you were emotionally detached. As you just said yourself, you almost lost your marriage and went through some emotional turmoil, despite 'eating cake' and 'putting him off', like you said in your previous comment.

 

My posts do not intend to draw conclusions or characterize your relationship or your marriage, or the lady's who posted. I just expressed my opinion on the outcome, as she also spoke about the epilogue of her former relationship.

 

I am genuinely happy that you did manage to fix your marriage or are on the way to, because as you can probably see on Loveshack, 90% of the AP are women, and 90% of the people writing about their heartbreak and devastation are also women. Most of the times it's the woman who always loses, whereas the man walks back to his wife as if nothing ever happened- i.e. a betrayed spouse wife is more likely to forgive her husband than a betrayed husband is to forgive his cheating wife.

 

Fast forward, you didn't get a divorce, didn't get 'thrown out of the house', didn't lose children, didn't get stigmatized with the 'ho' label that so many married women in extra-marital relationships automatically get. You managed to fix things up with your husband, which is great for you. I am truly happy because I'd want the same for myself, if I was married, had an affair and decided to stay with my husband.

 

Way too many women get themselves hurt beyond repair and become emotional trainwrecks after relationships with married men, or after their own extra-marital affairs, whether with single or MM. I am simply happy you are out of that situation and are moving onto 100% recovery. Please excuse me if my messages gave any other impression than the above-mentioned. I wasn't trying to judge or patronize anyone, just expressing my honest feelings about this.

[anne1707]

We're good Cressida. And thank you for your kind words.

 

I was emotionally invested in the affair yet I was also still happy in my marriage. That, to me, is typical of many WS and why they are the true bad guy in an affair (whether male or female). Both the BS and the AP are being badly treated by the POS in the middle of them both.

[Realist3]

Word. If he was so happy he wouldn't have had an affair, first of all. Secondly, his W shows lack of character by immediately jumping in the lovey dovey mood with 'hubby' while she's most probably boiling on the inside because of his betrayal. To pretend there's no pink elephant in the room and you're just a super duper happy couple to me is Humiliation 2.0. No need for fireworks, confetti and party poppers there. Just move it along.

 

 

You are making the assumption that the W knows about the A, which she most likely does not.

 

I see no point in stalking MM & his W on social media, a part of it is for show anyway. Friends and relatives see how happy and perfect their M is and that's for them to enjoy. But they know the real score in their R and so do I, like the real reason why they stand away from each other in photos or one would be looking in another direction when they do stand together. Things are not always the same beneath the surface.

 

This is actually the most accurate post on the topic, and I have said as much several times when this topic comes up. I seriously don't get why so many sOW's read so much into, and get so bent out of shape by social media postings. If you are trying not to get caught you post like any normal married couple would, and that includes photos with the family.

Edited December 20, 2014 by Realist3

[jellybean89]

Why is it so hard to accept that a cheating spouse is living the best of life...a spouse at home to take care of them and their needs, and a side person for fantasy, adoration and selfishness?

 

Cressida, you seem to want to infer that the MM is always thinking if his mistress, even when with the wife. That's not true at all. MM can and do love their wife and care about their mistress....but not enough to make a change in partners. Everyone seems to forget that someone has to take the pictures that are posted and unless you have 3 of more people with you, one of the married people takes the picture. You like to assume a wife is posting pictures of the hubby to poke the mistress, yet again, so many BS have no idea of the mistress. And she may not be posting the pictures the MM took of her.

 

Facebook is individual to each person. Some are fake - such as the fake FB accounts that are made up so a cheater and the affair partner can communicate; some are true..like the couple who just lost their twins at birth...highly doubt that was created to show the world a happy family...and some are just for keeping updated on friends, etc.

 

Each affair partner can convince themselves the married couple is miserable...but unless you live in their home with them, you have NO idea what goes on, no matter what the cheater tells you.