Move or Divorce?

[MidwestMike]

My wife of 1 year wants me and her 2 girls (my stepchildren 16 & 13) to move from our home (mine of 7 yrs, previous to the marriage) and move to an extremely remote and rural "country" subdivision. This subdivision is in the school zone where my stepdaughters go to school. Presently, we pay the school an out of school zone fee to let our children continue going to this school. The school people can refuse admission at any time, because we are out of the school zone. My wife fears that they will not let her kids continue in attendance next September. This may or may not be the case.

 

This subdivision has nice wooded lots for a good price. That's it. 20 lots, no pool, etc. The town has a gas station, Post office, restaurant & bar and a volunteer fire department. There are no police. The town, is considered a township, and has approximately 100 people within a radius of 1 mile from where we would live. Kids are bussed from very far, at least 20 miles or further, to fill a 6 grade school (grds 7-12), with about 2000 kids.

 

This township is a farming area - corn, beans and hogs. The landscape is flat and has no public pools,lakes or other public water access. No parks. Land and house values are forcasted to remain flat (no pun intended) for the next 15 years. (With a little bit of good luck, my plan is to retire in 15 years).

 

I lived 27 years in Hartford, Connecticut. Much of my time was spent at lakes or the Atlantic ocean. I also lived for 5 years in Detroit. I am a foreigner to farming, and farmers. I do not think I will readily fit in. In addition, I'm older and have friends and neighbors now.

 

I presently drive 11 miles to work, and 20 miles to take the kids to school at the rural school. Next month the 16 year old gets her driving license. The new subdivision will still require the children to drive to school or be driven (2 miles). But the ride to work will more than double to 24 miles. (My wives ride is worst). My drive isn't the end of the world, but it goes from 20 minutes to 40. I think 20 minutes is too long for me. In addition, more driving would be required to get to any of my places of "vice" - the golf course I belong to, is about an hour away (presently 20 minutes), health club & supermarket half an hour verse 5 minutes and the library is also about a half an hour away. Most of our common friends (we only have a small amount) will live about 45 minutes away. I anticipate a drop in visitors after the initial "newness" and polite new home visits.

 

I love my wife and two stepdaughters - I would never dream of removing them from the school - but I'm hesitant to make the move to the country. They feel I "promised" to move out there. They did move from their original house in the school zone to my house, and I did say that I would seriously consider moving out there.

 

But in the 11th hour, I'm getting cold feet and don't think its a smart move. It's getting ugly. Am I being selfish? Not being a good family guy? Should I quit crying and move?

 

Thank you.

[Miss Mojo]

hi mike,

 

sorry this post has been sitting her for so long unanswered. some questions take a while to think about, and are not as straightforward to answer as others. anyway, i'll try my best...

 

i think divorce is a little extreme. divorce upsets whole families.

 

firstly, i would want to find out from the school whether they will be allowed back to attend next september. get a definite answer. that way, you won't be riding on "what if's", which i believe makes it harder to make a definite decision on what to do.

 

it seems to me that you're a apprehensive about moving to this subdivision because where you are at now is a comfort zone for you and is familiar. you are used to where you live and the convenience and rather close proximity of your home to shops, golf clubs, friends etc. the thought of this move is obviously making you unhappy and i wonder if there's somewhere inbetween where you are now and this rural subdivision that might be more convenient? personally, i don't think 20-40 minutes is a long time to travel to work. i live in a very large city, yet i commute 40 minutes to work, and 40 minutes back every day. most people i know commute even longer than that. the closest one of my friends lives is 10 minutes away, while the majority of them live 25-30 minutes from my house. and i live in a major city!!

 

i'm not sure if i'm veering off-track here, but is the *only* reason your wife wants to move so that the children can continue to go to school there? is that where they grew up, did you say?

 

also, are the children *that happy* at this school that they wouldn't consider another school somewhere else? if they are, then it is their happiness that plays a major role in this move. given the ages of your stepchildren, you would have to live at least 4 years in this subdivision until the youngest one finishes school. would it possible then to move out of the subdivision seeing that they would no longer attend school?

 

if i were faced with a situation like this, i would definitely put the happiness of the children first. like i said, you don't have to live there forever, maybe until they finish school. sure, house prices may be not too crash hot, but if you sell the house you are currently living at now, you would surely have some money left over that you could invest or put in a term deposit for the future. perhaps that way, when the children have finished school, you could sell the rural property, and add to the money from the sale some savings. of course i don't know your financial situation, and i would never ask, but hopefully that it is a possibility.

 

have you discussed with your wife the possibility of moving back closer to the city when the children's schooling is finished? have you discussed with her the possibility of working out something financially to fall back on in about 4-5 years(managed funds etc)? once the children have finished school it is quite likely that will go on to university or other education. where you live then won't be so important because they will be moving ahead in their lives and so will their friends.

 

marriage sometimes involves sacrifices and compromises that you don't always want to make. but from where i sit, if this move will make 3 out of 4 people happy for the meantime, then i think it would be worth it to share in their happiness. there's nothing to say that this move has to be permanent is there? and things could always be worse - imagine having no roof over your head at all.

 

sit down and have a *really good* talk with your wife and think of every option you can. things don't need to become ugly. they only become ugly when people won't give in and people become selfish. there is always a way around every problem, and divorce would probably hurt the whole family even more than this move would upset you.

[Ed]

Life is full of compromises, especially when you are married. Has it really come to the point of possible divorce if decide you don't want to move?

 

You did not mention if this new property has a house on it already or if you have to build one. If there is already a house on the property, you will probably not loose money on the deal if you sell it later. If you are building a new home, there is the potential to make money, even if all you did was build it and sell, without ever living in it.

 

Are you financially able to acquire the new property without selling the current home? To be more specific, is it possible to rent or lease the current home while buying the new one? Talk to a lender about this.

 

Do you live in a community property state? Do you have a prenuptial agreement? These are two very important questions, financially. I would advise you to talk to a lawyer about this first.

 

I am speaking from experience here. I did almost exactly what you are considering doing. One difference being, I did not own a home prior to moving to the new one. I made the move. Did I do the right thing? Two years later, I still can't answer that question. I may never be able to answer that question. I did what I thought was the best thing for all people involved at the time.

 

It's a tough decision to make in a world without assurances for what the future holds. My initial advice to you would be to do what is best for you, but you can't be married and think of only what is best for yourself. It's too bad you did not resolve this issue before getting married.