Divorce pain and thoughts of Suicide

[eblude]

I been divorced 3 months ago .. my wife left out of the blue filed divorce day after ..

 

It is long miserable story. but since we married it is been bad for last 6 years she left me multiple times one of which she left me for a man .. i tried to commit suicide back in january when she left me for another man.

 

Now it is holiday season hitting me . All I feel is pain and lonelyess . I cannot do this anymore I have emotional swing and when it is bad i cannot even breath literally. I need help I am alone and I cannot go to hospital I will lose job and end losing my babies"Dogs".

 

I feel at times I cannot heal and damage is done .. I know many will call me a loser or an idiot . maybe am both ..

 

My wife betrayed me bad .. lied and f*cked me .. I am sorry but I have no support nor friend to rely on .. I am alone in this Journey and I feel like it is time to give up just to have some peace and stop the pain and bleeding in my heart

[mard40]

You need to calm down and get hold of yourself. You don't have to go to a hospital, but go to a Dr. and get some anti depressants. They work. Why would you lose your job if you were on anti depressants?

 

Divorce is painful, it makes your heart hurt, but this feeling is temporary. Eventually you will feel like your old self again, it just takes time. You need to tough it out. A few months from now you'll be fine.

 

Were you suicidal before you met her? No? Well, why should you be now. You were fine before you knew her and you'll be fine after she's gone. It's just a matter of perspective and emotional healing.

 

Get busy and do something fun. Go meet some new people. Get involved in an activity like a sport, or archery, or whatever. Many community colleges have little fun courses you can take in the evenings. I took a tennis class, met a bunch of great people, many of whom are still friends today.

 

Go get a motorcycle and when it's warm enough, ride that sucker! It's a great feeling of freedom.

 

Start making plans about what you are going to do with your new found FREEDOM!

[mard40]

Stop looking backwards at the relationship that WAS, it is OVER. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can start healing.

 

Turn your eyes away from what was and all that painful drama. Turn your eyes toward the FUTURE. The future is EXCITING. Many great things will come your way but you have to stop dwelling in the past and start living your future!

[Satu]

1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Tell yourself that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. Thats not easy, but it helps.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.

[Snaggletooth]

I been divorced 3 months ago .. my wife left out of the blue filed divorce day after ..

 

It is long miserable story. but since we married it is been bad for last 6 years she left me multiple times one of which she left me for a man .. i tried to commit suicide back in january when she left me for another man.

 

Now it is holiday season hitting me . All I feel is pain and lonelyess . I cannot do this anymore I have emotional swing and when it is bad i cannot even breath literally. I need help I am alone and I cannot go to hospital I will lose job and end losing my babies"Dogs".

 

I feel at times I cannot heal and damage is done .. I know many will call me a loser or an idiot . maybe am both ..

 

My wife betrayed me bad .. lied and f*cked me .. I am sorry but I have no support nor friend to rely on .. I am alone in this Journey and I feel like it is time to give up just to have some peace and stop the pain and bleeding in my heart

You're not a loser, you're not an idiot. What you feel is natural but also temporary in the grand scheme of things. You will heal and that's a fact. You have friends, you just haven't met them yet. Pick up the phone, call the Samaritans, meet those friends and they will help you meet others.

 

Us, the people here, as much as we would like to help, cannot do so online, We can be your friends, we can listen, we can be here whenever you want and with a door that never closes. but all we can offer is the written word, we are not tangible. If you are struggling this much, which is understandable and something many have gone through, pick up the telephone and speak to someone who can truly make a difference. A genuinely kind, caring and concerned voice is better than any written word we can offer, no matter how well meaning our intent. Call and then come tell us about it, Bud. There's a whole bunch a great people here who can see you through the holidays and beyond. They'll be here Christmas day, boxing day, new years eve, new years day and near every day after. You're not alone, far from it, but you also help yourself by speaking to those better than us. You're in our thoughts. Call, check back here, tell us how you're doing.

Edited December 20, 2014 by Snaggletooth

[eblude]

Thanks for the support. To be honest I had a great life before meeting her. I have friends but all are overseas back home . same goes for family.

 

I do not miss my wife or wish her back .. maybe just missing having someone ask me how was my day, Hug me when it is hard to tell how was work.

 

The Issue I have is i still cannot believe that happened to me . I cannot believe that wrong have been done to me, She played the victim and got her plans done. destroyed me and in front of her family and friends looks like poor Christian woman since she surely has a selective memory and manipulative brain.

My dogs is one of the reasons I fighting because they wont have no where to go If I am gone. I just wish I have someone I can rely on .. someone I can show my real pain without faking what a tough man I am.

 

Many time I set trying to list what wrong I have done to deserve wife stripping me my heart , money family and dignity. I know she is gone for ever . today we had party at work and seeing families couples and people laughing made me feel like an idiot piece of ****. then my brain start racing and felt like i need to give it up

 

As far as my depression I take medication and also have a councillor but still I am afraid

I mean I hate looking weak and broke I always been strong funny independent man . Until she shown up in my life thanks to her i lost confidence since she never had good thing to say about me accept my look.

 

She basically met a nice guy from italy had her fun then throw me like an old shoe after she bored. Beside dealing with her mental issue depleted me badly and left with no energy to move on..

 

I just been through alot and afraid of more pain of women and family .. I was strong man alone but one woman took all and instead of being at my side she done all hurtful

what makes me losing is that she never said she is wrong or sorry it was always my fault regardless what she done ..

 

I know I need to move on I just cannot believe it happened to me .. it is so much

[Snaggletooth]

Thanks for the support. To be honest I had a great life before meeting her. I have friends but all are overseas back home . same goes for family.

 

I do not miss my wife or wish her back .. maybe just missing having someone ask me how was my day, Hug me when it is hard to tell how was work.

 

The Issue I have is i still cannot believe that happened to me . I cannot believe that wrong have been done to me, She played the victim and got her plans done. destroyed me and in front of her family and friends looks like poor Christian woman since she surely has a selective memory and manipulative brain.

My dogs is one of the reasons I fighting because they wont have no where to go If I am gone. I just wish I have someone I can rely on .. someone I can show my real pain without faking what a tough man I am.

 

Many time I set trying to list what wrong I have done to deserve wife stripping me my heart , money family and dignity. I know she is gone for ever . today we had party at work and seeing families couples and people laughing made me feel like an idiot piece of ****. then my brain start racing and felt like i need to give it up

 

As far as my depression I take medication and also have a councillor but still I am afraid

I mean I hate looking weak and broke I always been strong funny independent man . Until she shown up in my life thanks to her i lost confidence since she never had good thing to say about me accept my look.

 

She basically met a nice guy from italy had her fun then throw me like an old shoe after she bored. Beside dealing with her mental issue depleted me badly and left with no energy to move on..

 

I just been through alot and afraid of more pain of women and family .. I was strong man alone but one woman took all and instead of being at my side she done all hurtful

what makes me losing is that she never said she is wrong or sorry it was always my fault regardless what she done ..

 

I know I need to move on I just cannot believe it happened to me .. it is so much

 

Been there, old boy, many moons ago. A Samson who had a remorseless Delilah cut his hair. The thing, is, you're still what you once were, she isn't going to take that from you, set it as your goal, demand it of yourself, find yourself again. Your friends are time, faith (in yourself) and patience. You'll have scars, but you'll wear them with pride and they'll be your measure for the future.

 

You didn't fail, you failed no one, you were failed. That means head high, chin up, chest out, fingers raised. Don't lose yourself over what betrayed you, become more for having being betrayed. The betrayal isn't a reflection of you, it's the reflection of her and the making of you. Today, tomorrow and beyond, this is were you create the legend of you, from here on out is your song, this is where you start the writing of you epitaph, the man you were, the man you remember, that man you want to be and the man you will become. This is your test, your challenge, your forty days and nights, fear nowt. It ain't no fun but based on your last post I bet my left nut you pass with flying colours. I can still see the fire and Will in there. For the time being there's no rush to move on. Roll it on your tongue, taste the pain, chew on it, learn to own it and then blow bubbles with it. Once sufficiently chewed, spit it out and don't look back, all you'll see is a nasty little stain on the sidewalk.

[mard40]

Been there, old boy, many moons ago. A Samson who had a remorseless Delilah cut his hair. The thing, is, you're still what you once were, she isn't going to take that from you, set it as your goal, demand it of yourself, find yourself again. Your friends are time, faith (in yourself) and patience. You'll have scars, but you'll wear them with pride and they'll be your measure for the future.

 

You didn't fail, you failed no one, you were failed. That means head high, chin up, chest out, fingers raised. Don't lose yourself over what betrayed you, become more for having being betrayed. The betrayal isn't a reflection of you, it's the reflection of her and the making of you. Today, tomorrow and beyond, this is were you create the legend of you, from here on out is your song, this is where you start the writing of you epitaph, the man you were, the man you remember, that man you want to be and the man you will become. This is your test, your challenge, your forty days and nights, fear nowt. It ain't no fun but based on your last post I bet my left nut you pass with flying colours. I can still see the fire and Will in there. For the time being there's no rush to move on. Roll it on your tongue, taste the pain, chew on it, learn to own it and then blow bubbles with it. Once sufficiently chewed, spit it out and don't look back, all you'll see is a nasty little stain on the sidewalk.

 

Great post. Wow!!

[eblude]

I have strange feelings of void and emptiness. been for last 3 months trying to understand my feelings. Do I miss her? Am I happy she is gone? and list goes on . I feel confused lost and pain gets unbearable at times.

 

I have not contact my wife for mons but still sometimes I wonder if she thinks about me? does she have same pain I do or is she laughing at pain she causes me having another man in her bed. I am tierd of these feelings I even been having nightmares of her regularly

 

I want this to stop .. Each place reminds me of her and I know it is stupid but I am afraid that will not end.

 

About me I am 31 and not being in 30s makes me feel lost .. who i am ... No tears can explain how lost I am .

 

I am working hard with doctors and all resources I can find but at times I feel i really want to give up everything and disappear maybe maybe I can stop thinking and feelings

 

I cannot remember when the last time i really laughed from inside sounds like a lost thing. After all I still proud I made it til now but I am scared to death something else goes wrong then I might seriously think about pulling the plug .. Sorry it is holiday season and seeing people happily couples loving and laughs makes me want to disappear

[d0nnivain]

Hang in there.

 

 

You said you have friends & family back home. Even though they aren't right there, they can be a support system. Buy a webcam & Skype. Run up your phone bill & call them. They would be devastated if you died. Please don't kill yourself over this.

 

 

What about moving home? Even if you can't do that quickly, can you go home for a short visit & work toward that goal?

[eblude]

I try to call them but with time difference it is not easy to contact them.

 

I tried to open up with mom and dad "never done that for years" . me and my family have a dysfunctional relationship they start belittling me experience saying I should not be sad and thats not the strong son they knew where before her i used to be successful .. I felt like a piece of **** and hung of the phone.

 

Well problem with going homes that economy is bad in italy and most of my friends cannot even find a job , So I have to stay here at least for a year or two ..

 

I am doing my best to move on. but I want the pain and feeling lost to end . I want to forget her I feel like a kid trying to learn everything all over again

[d0nnivain]

OK. Well at least you tried & you are back to thinking with your head not your emotions.

 

 

You will get through this.

 

 

Are there any other ex-pat Italians where you are? Can you form friendships with them? You will need a local support group.

 

 

How can we help you build a local support group? Do you have colleagues at work you can turn into friends?

[eblude]

I know few people but I am so ashamed looking as broken man infront of them beside am trying hard not to overwhelm people.

 

I have no close friends here. I live in Maine which is a small state and with the freezing cold winter we have . it gets harder to socialize .

 

I believe my hardest period is going to be from now to next 3-6 months until i can establish a circle of friends.

 

I am trying all i can to keep my brain in one piece. Just wish this pass fast

 

 

Are there any other ex-pat Italians where you are? Can you form friendships with them? You will need a local support group.

 

 

How can we help you build a local support group? Do you have colleagues at work you can turn into friends?

[d0nnivain]

What about moving to a different part of the US? Something with a larger Italian population? You would be away from all the things that remind you of your EX & you would have the ability to form friendships.

 

 

I'm not advocating dumping everything on a new buddy but somebody to hang out would do you a world of good. Can you volunteer somewhere? Get involved in the community? Just do something to be around people & not wallow.

[eblude]

Yes was thinking about moving to CA next year and will take time.

 

I start applying for volunteering. Just this period all went wrong and have my car at body shop waiting it to get back so I am free.

 

I have few plans it just am so emotional guy .. and I need to learn how to handle my emotions . thats what scares me at times. the trapped in emotions feeling.

 

I will keep moving ahead it just at times i wish i could go back in time and change something just to be in different situation

[Snaggletooth]

Eblude, I was in a similar situation. In a new area away from old friends, animals to care for which left me unable to socialise, nowhere to turn except my parents for the first time since I was a kid. I was met with "Don't let it effect your work, son" and that was that. I was raised to be John Wayne and they were not going to enable me to be anything else. So instilled in me was that way of thought that I refused myself to talk to anyone else. No doctors, no message boards, no friends. I felt just like you described, a kid trying to learn it all again. It's what betrayal does to you. All you once knew has been broken and all you cared about, lost. It breeds doubt. Doubt of the past, present, future and self. With time you learn again but you know what? You're not really going to learn anything new, there are no answers you don't already know. Everything you need to survive and later thrive you already have. It takes time but you will get there. New friends will be made, life will be rebuilt, your old self will be found.

 

There is no shame in how you feel and who you show your thoughts and feelings to is down to you. You don't have to be what your family expect you to be. Going it alone makes the journey tougher and it's not something you have to do. It can make what comes out the other side even stronger than before, though. So if you are going to be doing most of this on your own, take solace that you are building something strong, no matter how difficult it may currently be. These emotions pass but it's important to release the valve now and then to stop them becoming too bottled up, that's when the become too powerful to handle.

 

When things were tough I relied on a poem my Grandad gave me when I was young. I kept in my wallet and every time I felt my brain wasn't in one piece I pulled it out to remind myself. It helped me find some balance. I also put a copy on the wall so it was the first thing I saw every morning. Maybe it will help you too.

 

Poems - If--

Edited December 21, 2014 by Snaggletooth

[Satu]

Great post. Wow!!

 

Absolutely great, and true.

[Satu]

The way you are feeling is a little bit like someone who has lost everything through an earthquake, or other natural disaster. Of course you feel devastated - thats a natural reaction to a massive loss.

 

You need to keep in mind that you will recover from that state, even though it feels like you never will. You need to tell yourself that - even if it seems ridiculous to say it.

 

Many people have been through similar loss and suffering, come out of the other side of it and built a new life.

 

I am one of those people.

 

I won't tell you it's easy - just that it can be done.

 

It takes time, but it can be done.

[LukeRBetts]

Mate, i feel your pain...i really do... i was there.... i tasted it all. My wife left me, took everything that i "thought" was good in my life and left me with nothing. It isnt the end.... this forum and the people on it all have scars and tasted the tears, and will help you though it....post everyday...every hour if need be...i know at the start i posted everyday.... and checked the forum 50 times a day.....waiting for a response...waiting for someone to tell me i not robinson curuso here.

 

Cry....be weak....show your freinds your hurt....if they dont know your hurt, then how can they support you. I damn near flooded my house with the tears.... but with every tear its a step closer to being free.

 

Your never alone...........

[eblude]

Thank you for all help . I am trying to dealing with it . It hard where at times like today i keep looking at my phone hopping someone will call me for a cup of coffee or some talk .

 

I believe I do not miss my wife since she is a totally depressed bad human being which can suck the life out of you. I miss people. My life now is work back hime . weekends I feel alone then work again.

 

I know it is all up to me and no need to make excuses. But I have strange unexplained sadness that hits me once in a while and makes it hard to get out. laugh or smile.

 

Yes at times i start wondering where is my wife? what she does? did she go over what she done fast. sure she has alot of support and people to lie to so she looks like poor victim . I wish she never existed in my life. my issue is finding what to do? as I mentioned earlier I do not know who I am anymore I am trying to learn what I like who I want to be and the barred dreams beyond layers of pain and feeling lost

 

I am way better than when she left other times. I just grieving who I was and person I try to find not her.

[Snaggletooth]

Getting used to living alone can be hard, especially when you have a head full of unanswered questions and unwanted thoughts. I'd often finish work, drive home, sit in my wagon staring at the house thinking "Sh*t, I don't want to go in there and close the door on the day" it felt like going back to a cell. Solitude can be cruel bitch when you are enduring the worst of times but it turns into a great friend and teacher. Not only do you get used to it, you get to like it. As I said, this is your forty days and nights. It will be cold and hard to start, it can play with your mind, it can make you feel weak, but you'll come through it strong and more than you once were.

 

When you've given so much of yourself to someone for so long, it's real tough to learn to live for yourself again. The part of yourself that you gave has been taken, bled dry and thrown back in your face back when empty. It's where part of the feeling of loss of self comes from. You have to refill what was drained from you and it has to come from the limited reserves left in you. Its slow process. Knowing who you are, what you want and where you are going will return as that process occurs.

 

Everything you are feeling is normal and natural. No man has gone through this without feeling sadness, pain, loneliness and wishing they could hear a kind voice. Not the biggest, roughest or toughest of them. It's sh*t, really sh*t and sadly an experience many men will go through.

 

One day at a time, old boy. That's what to currently do. No big life changes while you are not your usual self. Small goals, small victories, good routines, busy hands, lots of dog walking and a kind, patient heart for yourself. When the ride stops, you'll know what to do.

 

If things get really bad then reach out. Call a work mate, call on a neighbour, say to them, "I've spilt with the ex, am struggling and could really do with some company and someone to talk to, do you mind if I come round? do you mind if I come in?"

Edited December 21, 2014 by Snaggletooth

[GirlStillStrong]

You have lost several things, not just a spouse. You are grieving those losses. Please Google the Stages of Grief and read about them. You are going in and out of the various stages; I can see this from your posts. You have to have the right supports available to you in order to get through this time. You are placing yourself in danger if you ignore this. It is good that you are taking medication and seeing a doctor and counselor. See if you can find a Grief or Divorce support group. Ask thr therapist or doctor, or call the local hospital and ask there. It's good you reached out here, but try to find at least one person you can connect with by calling on the phone when you are in crisis.

 

I am glad you are divorced now; it is the right age for you to start again. I started my life over and completely re-invented myself at your age. I have never gone back to that old life, or to being that old person, and have no desire to. My life is 1,000 times better now than it was when I, too, went through what you are going through. Have faith that soon you will feel better and you will be glad she is gone. Take this time right now to learn about yourself and rediscover your self and your hopes and dreams for the future. Also, try to develop an attitude of gratitude. Google it and practice some of the advice. Doing this changed my life and it can help you too!

 

Take care. Glad you have those dogs to keep you going!

[bigman1]

A couple of points. First, start a new routine. Your life incorporated her and you are trying to work around that old schedule. That makes it hard. New patterns, new places, new routines. Its scary, uncomfortable and weird. Still, you must do it. Trust me.

 

Second, stop thinking you lost something good. You got rid of dead destructive weight. She was an infected limb and she self amputated. If she had not, you'd have died of an infection. You are the prize. What you lost needed to be lost. That you tried suicide shows that you need work on you. Once you learn your true value, you will see that she is not, was not and will not ever be someone that you need in your life.

 

New routines, new people, new attitude. It gets better or rather, you start seeing how good it really is.

[eblude]

A couple of points. First, start a new routine. Your life incorporated her and you are trying to work around that old schedule. That makes it hard. New patterns, new places, new routines. Its scary, uncomfortable and weird. Still, you must do it. Trust me..

I start working on that . it just sometimes seems overwhelming I mean I have to make new friends reconnect with my family . have a circle .. I am just scared of loneliness even I know am a good social guys "or lets say used to be before meeting her"

 

That you tried suicide shows that you need work on you. Once you learn your true value, you will see that she is not, was not and will not ever be someone that you need in your life..

Yes I start thinking about going to DBT course I am an emotional italian guy which is hard to be emotional in new england .. Some people think you sick or crazy if you show your emotions .. Not sure if is healthy change your culture to adapt or not?

 

Is it normal that you experience a breeze and haviness of depression or sadness it comes and go but feels like a storm passing for minute or two .. Ideas how good relationship was "even it was sick relation" and how good was my wife. that's what i need to fight.

 

My biggest Issue I always thought my wife is so beautiful and good for me. Talking to my friends start seeing I was living in a parallel world and maybe it is the other way around. I just for some reason made a god out of her . and started feeling like she is the best I could ever had, Is that crazy? why ? for now it is time to learn and find a way to get awaken the old me . I loved the old me and I miss him

[eblude]

Hey All An update. Today I had break down .. I am at work . Since she left I had to fight with many issues: paying rent since she took all money, keep dogs she fought to take at restraining order "totally bogus claiming somehow i control her mind", work probation since I wasn't able to concentrate dealing with her, and getting car back where i got ripped off by a friend.

 

Now I got more news. Apartment complaining about dogs barking and in agreement they allow one dog but i am fighting back since they are my therapy dogs, wouthout em i will be a mess. Now adding Since I had hell of year I have no PTO for next year any time off i take will be unpaid. I have not taken vacation for 2 years . last year My wife ended in mental hospital and had to take care of her. this year lets not even start.

 

I feel tired i went at lunch time went out and cried like a baby. I am so tired of bad news and mess top that I have project that never ends where am late in delivery. I feel like want to give up .. I wish I have a friend where i can cry on his/her shoulder .. dad or mom here . someone tells me tomorrow going to be better day . I will forget my wife and have a happy day.

 

Sorry but need to tell someone how miserable i feel.