Self Esteem Issues Post Affair

[Healthier Me]

During my affair I believed myself to be sexy, desirable, fun, and full of life. Partly because XMM expressed and validated those feelings in me.

However towards the end of the affair nightmare, he told me less and less how beautiful he found me, etc., and for whatever reason, my rational brain left me and I began stressing like a jr. High girl trying to impress him and be "good enough."

Pathetic I know, but it's how I became. The shell of the confident woman I used to be.

 

After three years of constantly trying to impress him and hold his attention, it really took its tole on me emotionally. Now that the affair has ended, I am left with little or no self-esteem. Of course I live every day with the regret of my actions over three years, and how I allowed my marriage and home life to deteriorate because of this man I foolish allowed in my life.

 

But the other half of that is that I feel physically different. Whether perceived or actual, I feel like I've aged ten years in just the one month since we ended.

I am experiencing very real physical symptoms; ie, hair loss, weight fluctuations, malaise, and just feel downright ugly at times. I am relieved to be out and am feeling absolute freedom and liberation. Naturally I still have my moments, but for the most part, I feel as if I am on the right track, and proud of taking control and ending the affair, so I dont think its depression.

 

So I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through this or if This affair left me just a little more scarred than I even realized. I know how powerful the brain can be, so am I sub-consciously self-destructing as some form of punishment on myself??

Thank you in advance for ANY advice! I feel kind of defeated right now.

[jbrent890]

Was there a D Day for you?

[FusionCutter]

You loved your MM more than you loved yourself. In a way, you betrayed yourself. You gotta pick yourself up, and figure out how to get to loving yourself again.

[ComingInHot]

During my affair I believed myself to be sexy, desirable, fun, and full of life. Partly because XMM expressed and validated those feelings in me.

However towards the end of the affair nightmare, he told me less and less how beautiful he found me, etc., and for whatever reason, my rational brain left me and I began stressing like a jr. High girl trying to impress him and be "good enough."

Pathetic I know, but it's how I became. The shell of the confident woman I used to be.

 

After three years of constantly trying to impress him and hold his attention, it really took its tole on me emotionally. Now that the affair has ended, I am left with little or no self-esteem. Of course I live every day with the regret of my actions over three years, and how I allowed my marriage and home life to deteriorate because of this man I foolish allowed in my life.

 

But the other half of that is that I feel physically different. Whether perceived or actual, I feel like I've aged ten years in just the one month since we ended.

I am experiencing very real physical symptoms; ie, hair loss, weight fluctuations, malaise, and just feel downright ugly at times. I am relieved to be out and am feeling absolute freedom and liberation. Naturally I still have my moments, but for the most part, I feel as if I am on the right track, and proud of taking control and ending the affair, so I dont think its depression.

 

So I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through this or if This affair left me just a little more scarred than I even realized. I know how powerful the brain can be, so am I sub-consciously self-destructing as some form of punishment on myself??

Thank you in advance for ANY advice! I feel kind of defeated right now.

 

 

I went through this exact same thing... as his Wife.

...w.5 to 3 years later I put our M whwere he left it, the garbage and went on my way.

The only reason I still feel less now and again is because I am still stuck working with him and he is constantly attempting to manipulate me to get back with him.

 

I am seriously considering contacting the exOW he dumped to see if she would still give him a go round so he'll leave me be... but I don't hate anyone THAT much.

 

give yourself time and try, TRY not to let a M'd, unavailable, off limits, lying, jackhole define you or your views about your self image.

 

let your image of being the OW/exOW die and your new self, true self come forward in all its beauty!

CiH*

[jellybean89]

what about seeing a counselor to help you work through your issues?

 

Does your H know of your affair?

 

You need to grieve the end of the affair and all the emotional damage it did to you. I hope by reading your story, others who are contemplating an affair will see the damage it will do to themselves.

 

I hope you can work through these issues and I believe once you do, you will come to love yourself again. First step is forgiving yourself for the choices you made and the actions you did. That's the best gift you can give yourself and your family.

[GypsumSatellite]

During the worst phase of my R with my MM, I began having massive breakouts on my face (I'd never had pimples even as a teenager), lost weight I couldn't afford to lose, my hair thinned, my nutrition was near non-existent, and I was dehydrated. Stress does terrible things to the human body. It took me two months to get myself back on track - taking walks to clear my head every day, eating better, setting an alarm on my phone so I'd intake enough water, getting a haircut to make my hair seem fuller, etc.

 

You need to find the will to love yourself right now. Forget the mistakes you made in loving your exMM and turn it into "I came out of a bad experience alive, I can move on, I deserve happiness, this body is my temple and I need to take care of it" and by all means get yourself into short-term therapy to reinforce all those messages so your brain begins believing it.

 

When another person becomes our sole validation mirror, we open ourselves up to tremendous pain whenever they no longer wish to validate us. We have to find ourselves worthy first. We can't allow someone else to be the arbiter on our worth as a person because then we allow them to decide if we're worthy at all. Keep a journal of all the things that are awesome about yourself. Write one good thing about yourself every day, even if it seems silly.

 

"I like that freckle on the ridge of my collarbone because it looks like the beginning of a constellation and stars are beautiful." is something I've written before, and it is silly but I mean it completely. That is one awesome freckle on that collarbone.

 

Please take care of yourself.

[Healthier Me]

Thank you all for your support. It means a lot.

 

No, my h doesn't know about the A so there was never a D day. It shows how good I became at lying and manipulation. Even so, I live fearful every day that somehow this will all come back on me and my h could find out. I can't believe the risks that I took!

 

To anyone in an A or considering one, here's my battle-weary advice: It's just. Not. Worth. It!! Sure while you're caught up in the excitement and perceived romance you never think about the end. But the end comes. Affairs always end it's just a matter of when. Then it's time to Pay the Piper. Sure there are a few stories where they end up together, but for me personally, I would never want someone that had it in them to cheat. No matter what a "monster" their spouse was, it shows how they handle conflict. They don't. They take the cowards way out and keep their home in tact, while going out to get their needs met on the side. I could CLEARLY see my XAP doing that to ME, when we had our first fight!

 

Then when it ends, you are stuck with sorting your entire soul out. You have to reevaluate everything you've ever believed about yourself. You have lost an innocence you can never get back. You are forever changed and will never again be the person you were. I guess with time you move past it, but the memory will always be there. You will always be second guessing any new friendships male or female, wondering what someone's true intentions are.

 

Clearly I have a long road to healing ahead of me, but I pray with my faith and determination, that I can come out of this a changed person for the better. I just can't help but think how this time and energy could of been focused on something else in my life and my family's life. One day at a time is all I can do I guess.

[FusionCutter]

During my affair I believed myself to be sexy, desirable, fun, and full of life. Partly because XMM expressed and validated those feelings in me.

However towards the end of the affair nightmare, he told me less and less how beautiful he found me, etc., and for whatever reason, my rational brain left me and I began stressing like a jr. High girl trying to impress him and be "good enough."

Pathetic I know, but it's how I became. The shell of the confident woman I used to be.

 

After three years of constantly trying to impress him and hold his attention, it really took its tole on me emotionally. Now that the affair has ended, I am left with little or no self-esteem. Of course I live every day with the regret of my actions over three years, and how I allowed my marriage and home life to deteriorate because of this man I foolish allowed in my life.

 

But the other half of that is that I feel physically different. Whether perceived or actual, I feel like I've aged ten years in just the one month since we ended.

I am experiencing very real physical symptoms; ie, hair loss, weight fluctuations, malaise, and just feel downright ugly at times. I am relieved to be out and am feeling absolute freedom and liberation. Naturally I still have my moments, but for the most part, I feel as if I am on the right track, and proud of taking control and ending the affair, so I dont think its depression.

 

So I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through this or if This affair left me just a little more scarred than I even realized. I know how powerful the brain can be, so am I sub-consciously self-destructing as some form of punishment on myself??

Thank you in advance for ANY advice! I feel kind of defeated right now.

 

 

You're not the only one. I used to be an OM. People normally feel this way after a breakup of a regular relationship, but for some reason an affair makes it 10x worse. I suspect it has something to do because the relationship feels highly unsatisfied because it never got to play out.

 

Self esteem takes a hit. Overall physical health. There were days I couldn't get out of bed. I wasn't eating right or had the will to exercise. I couldn't sleep. Nights would go by where I would lay in bed sleeping only for 2 hours or less.

 

Then work the next day would be pure torture since I couldn't concentrate. There were many days were I laid there and just wanted to die. But I'm a coward but won't actually do it. But if there was an easy way, I would have seriously considered it. I had never ever experienced this before.

 

My involvement changed me a person and not for the better. I also had stress acne break out, something I've never experienced. I had a perpetual headache that was only alleviated when I used to see her. It was a temporary relief but always came back when there was time away, or during NC. I am sure that maintaining NC is the only way for this headache to go away.

 

There were many times just driving and stopped at a stoplight where I would just breakout and start weeping to myself. Other times I would clutch my head and close my eyes just telling "myself to make it stop". I don't know if it's from the shame of involvement or the pain of being stuck in a perpetual triangle with the illusion the MW would change the situation. A lot of the pain comes from trying to answer questions like "Why would they do something like this?" etc. "Why am I behaving like this?" "Why can't I leave this toxic situation that's bad for me?"

 

It's better to not to try to understand.

 

I know I just need to do something for a while and recover my ground. Get some professional help. The first time something like this someone gets overwhelmed without the adequate tools to understand why it's happening or why it hurts so much, and the psychology of why the hell it was so hard to get away from a painful situation. (Human beings are normally pain adverse, right?)

 

I now know why hurricanes are named after people - because certain people have the ability to come in and flip your life upsidedown, using deceit, selfishness, lies, betrayal and other horrible things.

Edited December 20, 2014 by FusionCutter

[darkmoon]

hair loss, stop thinking so deeply you are stressing yourself out, hot chocolate is most relaxing, drink

 

you are in poor health, so it is doctor and good eating please

 

little by little your confidence will come back, try some makeovers out, buy even just one gamourous item

 

nobody looks great unadorned, as those celebrities without make-up videoes prove

[Cressida]

I went through the following, gradually:

 

- thinking I was ugly, fat, hairy, a mess, nobody would want to love me if he doesn't

 

- thinking I am crazy, I am paranoid, I overthink

 

- thinking I have personality issues, that i am a bad person overall, that i don't have anything interesting, intelligent or fun to say, that's why i'm boring him

 

-thinking that I am worthless, that no man would ever want me, that I am just not good enough

 

 

There came a time when i stopped eating, i used to smoke 30 cigarettes a day, stopped sleeping, couldn't focus at work the next day.

 

Stopped wearing clean, pressed clothes at work and wearing makeup. This is something I have never done since I started putting on makeup in college. I just did not care anymore.

 

Started being late at work, once, twice, every day. Boss got tired, but because I'm good at what I do and he somehow sensed something was wrong, he told me just be in the office before 10 am and nothing happens. I used to be unable to get out of bed, physically ill. There were times I'd call work to say I'm sick and can't come.

 

Bouts of desperate crying in the middle of the night, like mini-panic attacks. Concealing it from friends, family, everyone.

 

Writing endless hate e-mails to him, e-mails that I'd send to myself and read them, delete or edit them, until they were 'perfect' for what I had to say. Delete them, think it's stupid and negative. Next morning, the same thing. Over and over again.

 

Calling friends and talking about my depression, his a-hole-ness for HOURS. Some of them would silently roll their eyes, some of them would tell me to stop it, two of my best friends would listen for hours and tell me it's ok to be upset and they understand. We'd go on and on and on at it, for about 3-4 times a week in the worst moments.

 

Looking up on the internet for black magic (I know....) and how to do it. Quit the thought when I saw it was just a bunch of sh*t and it made me look like Madame Zulumba the Cray-Cray conjurer. Not my style.

 

Watch out for this- talking to myself. Talking to him, imagining he was in the room. I read about this 'technique' on a shrink's blog and it does help initially, but it isn't a good idea overall. Don't try it if you can't control it as you'll end up talking by yourself like a nut and your neighbors will start wondering.

 

I literally realized this was going too far one day, when I came from work and I started talking by myself the moment I closed the door behind me, upon entering my house. I just started talking by myself, like a mental patient. I was speaking loudly to him, I couldn't believe it. It was about a month that we hadn't spoken, and I was still angry and speaking to him.

 

I felt so ashamed of myself I just couldn't believe that I was that person. Like a raging lunatic, someone out of control. I wanted to kick myself in the face for it. Most probably he was with his wife, coddling her. I just got even angrier.

 

So after the crazy talking phase ended (it took me a bit of effort to stop talking by myself, and I did realize how awful that was for my mental sanity, as I was driving myself crazy), the crying phase started.

 

I would cry at work like a fountain. I would literally sob uncontrollably and had to hide in the bathroom and cry hysterically, trying to muffle the sounds, for about 5-7 minutes. Marathon crying. Then wipe my face, splatter cold water and go back to my desk as if nothing happened.

 

Sometimes I couldn't control it and I'd cry at the desk like a child. I wouldn't make sounds just cry like tears were pouring out of my eyes, constant red face, my colleagues started to ask what's going on. Therefore, my poor grandmother who passed away in 1990 had to be sacrificed and my colleagues were very sympathetic for my tremendous loss. I know, don't say it. I know.

 

BUT IT ALL ENDED ONE DAY.

 

I just started going out shopping with my friends. Making myself feel better by seeing I wasn't ugly and unattractive. Trying to see him for what he was- someone who wasn't a beast, but a man who loved me differently than I loved him, and wanted different things than what I wanted.

 

Did he ever love me? I believe he did. Truly loved me? Yes I do believe that as well. Did he lie, embellish, to make me feel better? Perhaps.

 

Did he do it because he is a selfish pig? I don't believe that. Did he do it 'for my own good'? I will never know. NEVER know. But I am fine with it now, and I am finally at peace with everything.

[Josmatjes]

Ive been left scarred... Gained weight.... Hair thinner... Stressed out... Joined a gym and seeing a therapist...l

I wake up depressed thinking what do I have to look forward to... I know I have a lot but after someone craps all over you, your self esteem takes a nosedive...

I'm just taking it one day at a time.....

[Poppy47]

Yes, Yes, Yes.

 

Somehow, I saw myself as much younger and desirable. I felt so alive and enthusiastic.... I thought it was the JOY of life.

 

That persona has totally dropped away. Not sure what I am anymore.

 

I am financially well off, can travel, do pretty much what I please. However, since I went NC, none of it seems to have any meaning at all.

 

My health hasn't altered, just the way I see myself. Maybe time will take care of it. I try to keep thinking in a positive fashion.

 

Poppy