Marriage in trouble - wife wants time alone

[bigbuffs]

I don't know what to do. Me and my wife got married when we were 19. We have been married for almost 5 years now and things have changed recently. She has been sad and depressed lately. We never really fight or argue about things, but she decided she needed some time alone to find herself and find her purpose in life. While she has been away she has treated me like she kind of hates me or is mad at me. After about a month I just felt like I couldn't take it. I am very depressed not having her here and I feel betrayed. I still love her sooo much and I feel like we can work things out. We talked the after about a month and I noticed she stopped wearing her wedding ring. This drove me crazy and I started packing her stuff and told her maybe she should just go. She said she wanted to work things out and that she wanted to be with me. Then, a couple days later she moved all of her stuff out and said if we were meant for each other, then we'll find our way back to each other. Then, a couple days later she brought some of it back and wanted to work things out again. Now, it's been about 2 months and she says she doesn't know if she wants to be with me. She says she's not sure we can work things out and she wants to be on her own. She says she feels empty inside. She has decided that she is going to move to a different town (not to far away). I've told her how much it hurts me to not have her here and she knows I want to work things out. I've asked her to come back and try to work things out but she says it doesn't feel right to come back. I asked her if I told her she either had to move back or get a divorce what would she choose, and she basically said divorce.

 

I don't know what to do. I love her so much and she has been my whole world. It hurts so much to go through this. I desperately want to work things out and be with her. I feel we both made a commitment to each other and I feel that we should keep that, but I don't think she feels the same.

 

Thanks for reading my story and if you have any comments or advice, please let me know.

[agnf666]

I would give her time but not too much. Have a serious conversation with her. Tell her that you love her and can;t live without her and all that other stuff. Maybe she will she that she is making you depressed as well. Either she is up to something or she is just confused about things now... Good luck with it. I know I didn't have that great of advice but you have to do something or things are never going to work out.

[faithfulgirlie]

YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS READING YOUR MESSAGE, AND WHAT SHE'S GOING THROUGH IS JUST WHAT I AM RIGHT NOW. I'VE BEEN VERY DEPRESS LATELY. BUT IT'S BECAUSE I REALLY STILL MISS MY EX. DON'T GET ME WRONG WE GOT MARRIED WHEN I WAS 19 TOO. AND BEEN MARRIED FOR 5 YEARS LAST MONTH. IT'S BEEN 5 YEARS AND I STILL THINK ABOUT MY EX, GUESS I NEVER GOT OVER HIM, AND THIS IS WHAT'S REALLY MAKING IT REALLY BAD FOR ME AND MY HUSBAND. HIS REALLY IN LOVE WITH ME, BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO BE WITH HIM TOO.

[Merin]

Well.. damn

 

You know honestly sometimes (often times) what a person wants when they are 19 are very different than the things they want when they are 23.

 

My take is that's whats happend here.

 

 

People can grow apart rather than together at any point in thier lives.. it sounds to me that your wife is feeling drawn in a different direction that you are.. she is wondering what she might have missed out on and unfortunately is trying to find out what else she may want out of life at the expense of the marriage.

 

Marriage is hard.. and it takes BOTH people willing to put into it and compromise and work at it for it to last... her moving to a different town or state you've got to know isn't going to help the marriage.

 

It's all okay to tell her that you love her and want to work on this.. but if she isn't willing to do that as well.. then you cannot save the marriage on your own. Don't tell her you can't live without her or use any form of guilt to attemt to change her mind because even if it works for awhile.. it won't be permanant.

 

Your wife either wants to be married or she doesn't.. sometimes there really isn't any grey area and IMO this is one of those times.

 

If you know you've done all you can do on your end.. and she still isn't willing to meet you half way and try, then eventually you're going to have to let go.. that of course is painful.. however so is trying to use a dixie cup to get water out of the titanic so it doesn't sink...

 

Best wishes to you..

[WithOrWithoutYou]

She took her ring off? Well, that could just be symbollic, but as you no doubt thought about when you packed her stuff, it could also mean something else. Have you asked her if there is or has been someone else, or do you know?

[bigbuffs]

Well, I know she has been hanging out with this guy that she works with. And, there were rumors going around where she works that she was cheating. I asked her about this and she admitted that she ewas hanging out with him, but nothing more. She said that this guy has been in a similar situation and is helping her through this. She has admitted that she has stayed at his place a couple of times but swears she slept on the couch. She said the only thing that shes done is hugged him when she was crying. Now, when she decided she wanted to work things out with me she said she went to him and told him she couldn't see him anymore because people were saying things and she couldn't have that. Then we saw each other for a few days and she started reverting back to her not sure stuff, and I found out she stayed at his place again. I said I thought you weren't going to see him anymore and she said he's my friend, I can't just stop seeing him. Now, she still says nothing has happened with him, or antone else, and I would never ever of thought she would be someone who would cheat, but she has been acting different lately. I never acuse her of cheating, but even when I ask her about it, she gets a little defensive.

 

My personal opion is that I really doubt this guy is trying to push her to work things out with me. I think it woould be best if he stayed out of it all together. If he was a generally good person he would see that he is not helping at all. Too, she hasn't known him for very long, so it's not like they are good friends and go back a ways. I really don't think she would cheat, and If I ever found out she did, this guy better run.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Ugh, I was afraid you were going to say something like that. I'm sorry to hear that. This is a much more common occurance than you might think though. You have been emotionally replaced by her "friend" from work. She may be sleeping with him, she may not be (yet), but 10 will get you 20 that is exactly what this "friend" is after (and even if it isn't what he is "after", she is developing an emotional connection with him, and the one she has with you is getting weaker and weaker as a result, and she will feel much more like pursuing something with him than fixing what she has with you as long as he is in the picture). As I have told others before, you have a dilemma on your hands. The only way you have a snowball's chance in hell of saving your marriage is for her to agree to do complete no contact with this guy (possibly including switching jobs if he works at the next desk over and won't leave her alone). The problem is that if you ask for that, you will only prove in her eyes (which are not seeing really clearly right now, thanks to him poisoning her mind) that you are the "uncaring husband", who "just doesn't understand me", and "doesn't trust me anymore, and if we don't have trust, I'm not sure I can be with you anyway." She will refuse to "get it", because she likes the emotional support she is getting from him, and doesn't feel like she was getting from you, and can't stand the thought of giving it up. And when she tells other guy about her feelings about what she thinks of you for suggesting she do no contact with him (as she now dutifully tells him EVERYTHING that is right and wrong with your relationship, including all the private details), he will play the looking hurt card, and act pained, but will take what she could only see as the high road, and sympathetically and generously offer to not see her anymore if *sulk*, she thinks it is what is best... But of course, she half loves him at this point, so she isn't going to do that - oh no, because he is her friend, and she just couldn't do that to a friend, right? UGH! I have seen this so many times (and experienced it myself, in a LTR where some guy came in under the radar as "just a friend" to talk with her about some insecurities (based on misunderstandings that could have been fixed) that she had about our relationship, and basically stole my GF). Lol, I am still casual friends with that ex actually. She married him, and cheats on him to this day (but not with me).

 

Anyway, back to my point, you need to figure out some way to get her to understand what her emotional connection with this man is doing to your relationship, without appearing to be any of those things I described above, which is the first place her head is going to go if you bring it up. I don't envy your situation. This is why these "friends" of the opposite sex (oh yes, they do come in both male and female versions) who try to come in and strike up something romantic (often very subtly, even by talking about what is wrong with the existing relationship with someone's BF/GF/H/W and just "being there") are so often successful, at least in geting people to cheat. The guy/girl who can easily figure out what is happening between his/her SO and the OTHER "friend' of the opposite sex, can't say much, because that just makes him/her someone who "doesn't understand", etc. etc. etc. Sucks, doesn't it?

 

You definately need marriage counselling, joint marriage counselling (and no, she can't bring her "best bud" the other guy - even though sadly, it might occur to her if she has become that dependent on him for emotional support and approval). You might even bring up to the marriage counsellor that you feel as if you are being emotionally repalced by other guy, and ask the MC if she thinks your fears and thoughts about this other guy coming in under the radar are well founded. A good MC will have seen this before, and back you up (in a very even-handed, non-confrontational, helping her to understand kind of way). That's pretty much your best shot at this point - get the MC to explain to her (but never put it quite that way) how badly the other guy is screwing up your chances at patching up your marriage. Good luck. You're going to need it.

[Owl]

From your very first post, I seriously suspected that this was a case where she was cheating. The "need to find myself", the requests for space, the hot and cold attitude towards you and your marriage. I'd bet you a dollar you've heard her say "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" at least once in the last six months.

 

It's an affair, pure and simple. Regardless of whether or not they've slept together (and they probably have, since the affairs follow 3 rules: 1. Deny until caught. 2. Minimize the affair and lie about how far its gone 3. Blame the spouse for all of your problems), it's an affair.

 

At this point, your wife is pretty far gone down the path. I'd recommend that you go to MarriageBuilders.com, and look around there. Their forum should be back up this weekend I think, so try posting for advice there too.

 

You might try getting evidence to confront her with, but again, as far as this has gone, with her moved out, I'm not sure what you can do. Good luck, regardless!

 

Oh yeah, and post this thread on the Infidelity section here on LS...you might get more input there too.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm with Owl.

 

The cheating partner usually uses all of those excuses. She took her ring off, she says he's just a friend, he's been through what she's going through. What exactly is she going through? I need to find myself is not a answer.

 

I'm sorry for your pain and I hate to agree that she's cheating but I used some of those excuses myself when I was.

[bigbuffs]

I really apreciate everyones input. Unfortuantely, I was pretty much thinking what everyone has written, which definately scares me. The only thing I can think to do is tell her that she has to stop all contact with this guy, at least until thing between us are decided. I feel that he is influencing her in a negative way, and I gaurantee that he isn't pushing her to work things out with me. And, if she won't stop seeing him, then obviosly she is doing something with him or at least she wants to be. Does anyone think these actions are unreasonable.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

No, I don't think that is unreasonable, but she will say that she does. She will reiterate the same old tired stuff about not wanting to not be there for her "friend" (that woudl be the guy she is either sleeping with, or who is being there for her emotionally hoping to get into her pants), and will talk about how you just don't understand, and may throw in something about how you don't trust her (see my post above). I would also make it a request, not a demand. Yeah, it means the same thing I guess, but people don't like to be ordered. Also consider filtering this request through a marriage counsellor, as it might make it go down better than if it comes directly from you. Good luck!

[ecco]

She stopped wearing her wedding ring

 

When you take off the ring it somewhat declares how you feel

about your S/O .

When the ring comes off :

You don't want to be recognized as a married person.

You are having an affair

But one thing I must say she made as clear as day

she did not hide that from you.

To want time alone is one thing, But she wasn't spending her time alone.

I wouldn't put to much blame on the OM , He owes you nothing

If she puts out he will take.

She is responsible for her own actions.

I think too much of your time has been wasted, while she seeks comfort

with someone else.

 

Wish you luck.

[bigbuffs]

I talked to her a few days back and she was just mean to me. I e-mailed her some of this thread and asked her what she thinks and she said it just made her feel more attacked. I can't stand it when she is mean to me like that, it just makes all this hurt more (and it already hurts way to much). She basically took everything I said and turned it into something bad. I try to be as careful as I can with what I say, but it seems like she just takes it as negative. I don't understand, she just isn't her self lately. I know she needs help and she needs someone to open her eyes for her, but I am unable to do that. I desperately want to go to counseling with her but she just says she doesn't know, not now. I feel like she is slipping through my fingers and I don't know what to do. I need to talk with her but she doesn't want to. She keeps her phone off so I called her at work and she got mad at me. I can barely stand to wait for her, it just hurts so much. I feel helpless, I just want her to see what I see, I know we could work things out, but she doesn't seem to think the same.

[LucreziaBorgia]

This is the point where you go talk to a lawyer about a legal separation, and should she continue to refuse to work on the marriage: a divorce.

[jmargel]

Bigbuff.. This is a technique that women get offended by, but it does work.

 

Listen, you are chasing her.. When a dog breaks loose from it's chain and starts running it expects you to chase it. When you do it'll just run faster from you. This is what your wife is doing.

 

When you want a dog to bond extremely close to you this is what you should do. Have someone hold it back while you call it's name. Let it struggle really hard. Then have your friend let it loose. Keep calling it's name and while it runs to you run the opposite direction. So now you have it chasing you!

 

Your wife is expecting the same old routine from you, you chasing her which is just making her distance herself even more. Right now to her there is no argument in trying to get her back so do something that is surprising to her and to make her really think, something in which you want her to do. Do this by backing off ALOT. Let her come to you. Which means no more telling her you love her or how lost you would be without her. You may even have to act like a stranger to her for a little while. It will be awkward but I believe it is something you may have to do. It'll also give her time in which she is asking for. Don't bring up the situation anymore go about your own business and make her think "Why isn't he chasing me anymore?". Let her truly realize what she is losing. When she does finally approach you about this (it may take days or weeks) then tell her "I am here if you want to talk to me" and then leave it at that. If you do this, YOU MUST STICK WITH IT NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES. Otherwise if you give in, then you are further into the hole. However it will work. Go against your gut instinct and try this.

 

You might have to act even a little cold, not saying to bad mouth her but you need to stop trying to compete for her affection & attention. Start doing things for yourself and show some confidence in yourself. Women love that. Show that you are your own person and if she leaves then this is what she is missing out on.

 

I believe it would be best to approach the situation from this angle. It'll throw her off guard and will give you a different reaction than the same old one that you've been getting.

 

BTW your wife does need to see a doctor about the depression. Depressions are often the cause for breakups in marriages & relationships.

[bigbuffs]

Haven't been on in a while but I'll update everyone. I talked to her about 2 week ago for the first time in a while. We talked like we used to before all this started. We talked about our relationship a little but mostly we just talked about what we've been up to. We probably talked for about 3 hours. But what I got from the conversation is that she doesn't feel the same way about me as she used to. I told her I still loved her and always would and she said she loves me to. I asked her if she would take some more time to think about if a D is really what she wants and she said she would. I told her I would still like to be friends with her and she said the same. She in the process of moving to a DIFFERENT TOWN (ONLY ABOUT 45 MILES AWAY) (oops caps lock was on). anyway, I told her I would help her move stuff and paint and she said she wanted to do things on her own (or without my help I think) but I said I would be willing to help. But, I felt much better after we talked. I gave her a call about 3 days ago (I saw she was at her grandma's in our hometown because I was home at my parents) and asked if she wanted to talk and she was kind of crabby with me like she was before. So, that's the last I've talked to her. I don't feel like she wants to work things out, I guess I'm still hopin' she realizes, but I told her I'm willing to accept her decision. This still suck but I'm feeling a lot better, I'm sure there's someone else out there who would appreciate having a great guy (hopefully) and whatever happens happens I guess. But, thanks to all that have replied and if you have any more suggestions let me know.

[wanting to heal]

My wife and I grew apart about ten years ago.

 

We married at 20 and have been married 22 yrs. We should have just gone our seperate ways in the past. It has come to the point that she had a one night stand. She did not tell me, I found out because I was tracking her. I doubt that she would have told me. I do not know if there were others, but it is possible. I just don't want to know any more.

 

If this is not what she wants, don't try to audition to get her to love you. I will ruin your self esteem. Move on with your life, especially if you do not have kids. You will find someone else, and your probably know yourself much better than 5 yrs ago. Whoever you meet will probably have a better grasp on their wants as well.

 

Good luck to you, but remember that you cannot make someone love you. Know that even if she won't, someone else will.

 

Maybe she has broken her promises to you and cannot stand herself. That happens also.

[lilmoma1973]

hey big buffs,

speaking from experience she has cheated with this guy or she is having feelings about this so called friend.. i think there is more going on that she is willing to tell ya for fear of hurting you.. my advice is move on and quit thinking she is coming back .. you deserve better than what you are getting ..good luck

[RecordProducer]

She definitely has someone else! Or at least it sounds like that. I don't know if things between you and her were great and then she just passionately fell in love with another man. Perhaps she was not happy with you.

The rumours might be correct. Why suddenly choosing some town 45 miles away? Does she have a job offer there or family?

And she doesn't want you in her new house/apartment. You might surprise her sometime in the evening and be surprised yourself.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

I hate to agree, but if she is moving to a different town 45 minutes away, she is done with you, and probably has someone else.

[bigbuffs]

honestly don't think she has cheated on me, but I don't know if I'll ever know for certain. She did have an EA at least for a while but to my knowledge she doesn't hang around this guy much anymore. We have talked a few times since the last but things with her seem the same. The reason she is moving is because back when we were going to try to work things out she decided to take a job in another town so we could kind of start over.

 

She really doesn't like what she is doing now it is very stressful for her. Actually she went to the doctor and she has a ulcer which is pretty rare for a 24yo. I know she can't hardly eat and stuff and she is hurt over this too. Its just that when we talk she never wants to talk about the relationship. If i bring it up she just wants to go. This just hurts so much. If she told me she cheated on me I don't think it would even change me much. I've prepared for the worse and I really don't think I can hurt much more than I aleady do.

 

I was feeling better for a while but latley I been feeling awful agian. I feel so lost now. It's like I'm just going through life hiding all the pain I feel inside. I don't understand why she would put me through this and I don't understand how you can hurt someone you love this much. I just can't see it from her veiw. I mean I would never ever put her through this. I'm just trying to get through each day without feeling horrible but it's about impossible. I dream about her a lot and I'm not sure if that makes things better or worse. Sometimes I feel like I can't go on and sometimes I feel like I've cried every tear my body can make. I still have hope that she will see the light and I guess that keeps me going. I think the next time I talk to her I will just lay everything on the line and try to get the truth and a decision from her.

[RecordProducer]

I am sorry you're hurting so much, I always say to people "welcome to the club!" The club of broken hearted. It feels horrible at the beginning, but you still have hopes. Then you start losing the hope and feel even worse, but eventually you will get over. Look at all the people who had been hurt and they got over. It takes a year or two, but the good news is as time goes by you'll feel much better. Everything seems dark to you right now and you still idealize her. Soon enough you'll be over her and ready to conquer the world.

[bigbuffs]

So, today I was out running some erons when I see my W and OM pulling into a parking lot of a Perkins restaraunt. So I pull in and walk into the door and follow them to their seats. THey don't see me until they sit down and W then says hey like shes not suprised to see me or they aren't doing anything. I asked why she hasn't called me (because she said she would a few days ago) but the whole time I just stared at OM with anger just filling me. He acted like he I was not even there and he just looked down at the table the entire time. His wrist had a cast on it and I asked W what she was doing she said she just took him to the hospital and was giving him a ride because he can't drive. I replied and look at OM and said he can't drive and he actually looked at me for a second as they both said he has a stick shift. The way his hand was his fingers were usable so if he wanted to drive a stick he could, it would just be a little hard. Anyway W said she would stop by after she got done working (about 8hrs. from now). I stared at her as I was leaving with a look of rage and disgust and she would just say "what, what". I'm starting to think that she has been staying at OM's. I now the apartment she's staying at she said its one of her GF's but I think he lives there's also. I'm pretty sure the conversation tonight will determine the rest of my life with her. I'm not sure what I will say but all I want is the truth. Any advice on what to say (if she shows up, wouldn't suprise me if she didn't).

[RecordProducer]

I don't want to give you the "we told you" crap, but she is not very likely to tell you the truth. She's been hiding things from you lately. Was this OM the one you mentioned before, the one from the rumors?

I am sorry you feel this way. A year or two from now you'll be happy again. Keep that in mind! The most stupid thing in the world is to try hard to unbreak broken things. That includes marriage too.

[whichwayisup]

I stared at her as I was leaving with a look of rage and disgust and she would just say "what, what". I'm starting to think that she has been staying at OM's. I now the apartment she's staying at she said its one of her GF's but I think he lives there's also. I'm pretty sure the conversation tonight will determine the rest of my life with her. I'm not sure what I will say but all I want is the truth. Any advice on what to say (if she shows up, wouldn't suprise me if she didn't).

 

Ouch...I'm real sorry to say this but she is still very emotionally attached to him.

 

Why could he not have taken a cab? Somebody else drive him? Why her?

 

You ask all the questions, don't hold back either. You have to find out wtf is really going on here.

 

The fact that she didn't try to talk to you and just saying "what, what" is just plain awful! She knows!

 

She needs to decide to end it with him completely go NC and work with you - Make it up to you - And get to marriage councilling. She can't keep doing this to you and you can't keep allowing her to DO this to you. Either way, something has to happen, this is killin' ya.

 

PS Your dream - That's beautiful and so sad. I think so many can relate to that - Dream thoughts.