irishguy Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Hard to see you sticking with NC when you are checking up on the om already .If you cant stop yourself you need to stay offline more .I dont think you can come clean about this affair since it was a friend of his and its doubtful he would ever forgive you .So anytime you have thoughts of contacting the om you need to think about your kids and see what you will lose , you might lose seeing the everyday , if that doesnt wake you up nothing will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 Hard to see you sticking with NC when you are checking up on the om already .If you cant stop yourself you need to stay offline more .I dont think you can come clean about this affair was a friend of his and its doubtful he would ever forgive you .So anytime you have thoughts of contacting the om you need to think about your kids and see what you will lose , you might lose seeing the everyday , if that doesnt wake you up nothing will. Thank you for responding. I havent checked on him at at. Im just afraid because the opportunity is there, if I have a weak moment, that I would look at his fb page. But right now, i know, that it doesnt do any good to look at it. Link to post Share on other sites
irishguy Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Long term it wont work living on the same street as the om , is there anyway ye can move away . Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 [QUguy;6075967]Long term it wont work living on the same street as the om , is there anyway ye can move away . We dont live on the same block. We live in the same neighborhood, about a mile away. There is no way we can move. We just bought this house last year. We did remodeling, XAP helped with it and thats how the A started. Im confident that I won't fall back into the A. Its going to be a rough road. But I know the consequences and he is not worth losing my everything for. Im sure I'll run into him and I'm going to have to be strong. My H and I are starting marriage counseling next week. Im assuming i have an even harder road ahead of me now. Link to post Share on other sites
irishguy Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I am not familiar with marriage counselling have never been but doesnt counselling need honesty to actually work . Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 I agree, it would probably be best. But my therapist said she wont tell him about the A's. But she did make a comment the other day that she will probably bring me to the point that I may end up confessing. Link to post Share on other sites
irishguy Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Ok i guess you need to try prepare yourself if it comes to that . Link to post Share on other sites
irishguy Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I have just been catching up on some of your threads ,by the amount of threads this has been on your mind alot , i dont think you can hide this from your husband much longer , splitting up sounds best since you think you will have an affair again in future , unless your counsellor comes up with a reason why you have them . Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 I know, I'm not in the clear yet. But this Saturday will be 3 weeks since I went NC with xAP. I still think about him all the time. I've have a few moments when I feel weak. But then I remember all the pain he caused me. I remember that I'll just end up in that cycle of hurt and nothing will EVER change. On New Years Eve, while eating dinner with my H and kids, he texts my H... knowing that we will be out for dinner, "Happy New Year (H name) to you and your family. I wish you guys happiness and health in 2015." I feel this was done on purpose, for whatever reason, maybe for him to get in my mind. They both work overnights, he couldve texted him than. It made me see what a manipulative jerk he is. Ive been keeping myself busy. Joined a book club, registered for community college that starts next week, and became a Girl Scout leader for my daughter's Daisy troop. At night, my mind wanders abit, when H is at work and xAP is too. So ive been renting alot of movies or actually going to bed at a decent time. Not at 3am, like I have been for months, because i would be texting with xAP. Or of course, going on this forum!! For all those that are trying to decide if you should go NC, and think you cant, look back at my posts. I never thought I would be strong enough. And I surprise myself everyday that I havent contacted him. Its such a wonderful feeling to somewhat have my life back. To not worry about when is he going to text me, whats he doing now....and all the other stuff that has to with an A. I'm not absent minded anymore. I'm mentally and physically there for my H and my kids. I know I still have to work on so much, and the root of why I had my affairs. But the fact that I was finally able to pull that plug is a huge step. If I can do it, I believe anyone can. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Even though we disagree on you not confessing to your H, I will wholeheartedly say that I'm proud of the person you are becoming. It becomes more evident that you aren't same person you were when when you first started posting. However, my advice to you is always expect the unexpected. Meaning, don't act surprised if your husband finds out from other means about your affairs. From your description, your xAP sounds a bit bitter and unstable. Not to say that he would confess to your H, but I do think he might get busted by his W one day. If that happens, I think you know what you have to do. Until then, I still recommend confessing on your own volition. I honestly think it would be more sincere and it would show you actually do want to make your marriage work. Good luck on your journey and keep up the good work. See people I can be nice to cheaters too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 That's great Nikki. Refresh my memory, because I can't remember from your previous posts... your H and xMM are friends, right? So are you going to end up seeing him at some point? Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 Nikki. Refresh my memory, because I can't remember from your previous posts... your H and xMM are friends, right? So are you going to end up seeing him at some point? Yes, they are friends. They see each other very rarely. I'm sure I'll end up seeing him at some point. We also live only about a mile away from each other. Every time I step out of my house I mentally prepare myself for that situation. Link to post Share on other sites
anabel32 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Nikki, do you know his wife? Do you keep in touch with her? If so, what plans do you have in terms of her and keeping in touch with this family? I ask because I also now my xMM wife (I am in NC for 2 days now), she keeps liking my stuff on FB, she invited me for her bday party etc... I feel like I will not be able to look into her eyes with ease and carry on this "friendship"... so wondering how things look at your end and what are you planning to do... Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 Nikki, do you know his wife? Do you keep in touch with her? If so, what plans do you have in terms of her and keeping in touch with this family? I ask because I also now my xMM wife (I am in NC for 2 days now), she keeps liking my stuff on FB, she invited me for her bday party etc... I feel like I will not be able to look into her eyes with ease and carry on this "friendship"... so wondering how things look at your end and what are you planning to do... When xAP was doing work at our house, which is when the A started, we were doing alot of stuff together with our families. I went out once, just me and her. awful! But now that hes no longer doing work on the house and hasnt really spoke to my H, we havent seen each other. I unfriended his wife months ago and blocked him. I'm sure we'll be invited to theit kids bday parties and thats probably about it. I'll make up some excuse that I cant go. My H can take them. Maybe unfriend her, she wont be notified when u do. If she calls u out on it, say it mustve been a mistake. If she asks to hang out....I will make an excuse for that too. We have to try to cut off all ties to these men and anything that is connected to them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Good progress Niki. Glad to see you will be occupied with some very beneficial pastimes. Poppy Link to post Share on other sites
irishguy Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Its a start but im not to sure if this will work out , all it will take is your xAP to tell one of his friends after a few drinks and then that friend then to tell your husband , your world is to small , one mistake and everything will change . Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 Its a start but im not to sure if this will work out , all it will take is your xAP to tell one of his friends after a few drinks and then that friend then to tell your husband , your world is to small , one mistake and everything will change . I know thats possible, but he was always the one that was so paranoid that anyone would find out. He would always say "eyes are watching everywhere". Im not too concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Nikki, Congrats on the NC. I hope you can maintain it and you stay strong. In regards to your H. You say he loves you but doesn't show it and when you remind he he does it for a few days then tapers off. Notes in the lunch box. Works wonders. Not every day but several times a week put a note in his lunch box that says "call me tonight for no reason except to say you love me" or "when you get home wake me up and tell me I'm beautiful". Tell him expressly what you want, and keep doing it till it is a habit for him. Different people show love differently. What you need may not be how he shows love. So you need to tell him, and keep telling him. Some people will say if you have to tell him to call and say I love you it doesn't count...I say bu11 crap. It is you saying this is what I need. Telling someone and then not mentioning it again...doesn't reinforce the actions you need. good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 Thank you. Those are good suggestions. But sometimes I feel, if he really loves me, why do I have to keep bugging him to show it to me. Sometimes its exhausting. His mother is pretty emotionless, so im sure it has something to do with the way he was bright up too. For example. ... we went out to dinner last weekend. I wore leggings a. boots. Never once said how pretty I looked. On our way to dinner he said " why are you wearing boots and not your heels". Wth. Thanks. You know? So we argued the whole way to dinner and I felt like crap. He's the furthest thing from a model.he has NO right to make shoe suggestions. He sure has a funny way of telling me I'm beautiful. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Thank you. Those are good suggestions. But sometimes I feel, if he really loves me, why do I have to keep bugging him to show it to me. Sometimes its exhausting. His mother is pretty emotionless, so im sure it has something to do with the way he was bright up too. For example. ... we went out to dinner last weekend. I wore leggings a. boots. Never once said how pretty I looked. On our way to dinner he said " why are you wearing boots and not your heels". Wth. Thanks. You know? So we argued the whole way to dinner and I felt like crap. He's the furthest thing from a model.he has NO right to make shoe suggestions. He sure has a funny way of telling me I'm beautiful. :/ Well, the plus side is he noticed what you had on, and also told you what he like. I believe one of the biggest problems in marriage is not hearing our spouses. To many assumption. Nikki what I got from your husbands comments is "I think your sexy in heels" what you got is "I don't like those boots" I guess your husband doesn't communicate well and because he isn't saying things the way you want its a problem, because you aren't taking them the way he intends its a problem. However your affair did absolutely nothing to fix those issue, in fact they have created more. His attempts are met with anger, your anger is because his attempts are what you expect. No ones needs are being met. You are selfishly looking at it as he isn't holding up his end. Are you? We all know the anwser to that. The question is what are your plans to fix it? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 For example. ... we went out to dinner last weekend. I wore leggings a. boots. Never once said how pretty I looked. On our way to dinner he said " why are you wearing boots and not your heels". Wth. Thanks. You know? So we argued the whole way to dinner and I felt like crap. He's the furthest thing from a model.he has NO right to make shoe suggestions. He sure has a funny way of telling me I'm beautiful. :/ I think your current state is making you a little hyper-sensitive about everything that your H says or does. It seems like you're looking for reasons, maybe, to justify the "why". To make sense of it. A shoe suggestion battle seems like a reach to me. And besides his feelings, how did YOU feel about how you looked? Isn't that the most important thing? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Have you guys started MC yet? Niki I don't want this to sound harsh, but just because you stopped cheating on your husband does not mean that the issues in your marriage are going to be magically resolved, especially if he doesn't know how deep these issues have effected you. I'm going to level with you Niki, you are starting to worry me a little. I may be wrong, but it seems your looking for justifications to get back into your affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I wasn't told about my h's pa until 15 mos after it ended. How I wish I had been told the truth then, since I now feel like I was manipulated into staying in my marriage. I sensed something was off the last 2 yrs, and being lied to, then being met with indignant rage when I said "that sound like a lie", has destroyed my sense of up and down. His actions are cowardly frankly. He loved himself more than he loved the marriage. And then the humiliation of an std panel....I'd be in a different place in my healing had I known the truth 15 mos ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Yes, I admit, my actions were/are very childish. But believe me... (which i know you wont) I've told my husband MANY MANY times, that I feel like he doesnt give me attention, that I dont feel that spark anymore, etc.. He never was able to see what I was talking about. So for a day or two, he would give me a bit more attention. And thats about as long as that lasted. I wish it was that easy. ..that all I need was more attention. But im finding out, from being in therapy, thats its much deeper then needing a hug from my husband. Did you feel you were getting all your needs met with your AP *and* your H? Or were all your needs only met by your AP? I'm just curious if by having this A it magnified what you were lacking and now your H will never compare. You got a good taste and now you will never just be satisfied. If you foresee a happy, healthy future with your H and that you can grow old with him then cutting all ties with the OM, leaving no evidence and working your butt off to be a better wife for a better life... Kudos!! If your future is unforeseen, you are not sure if you can be completed with your H and you know the betrayal and truth will haunt you then you might consider confessing. It's not just your H you are betraying you are betraying yourself. If being with you H is truly what you desire MC with R is more likely than it is now not knowing and him ignoring that there are issues. Either way I hope you find peace. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 Well, the plus side is he noticed what you had on, and also told you what he like. I believe one of the biggest problems in marriage is not hearing our spouses. To many assumption. Nikki what I got from your husbands comments is "I think your sexy in heels" what you got is "I don't like those boots" I guess your husband doesn't communicate well and because he isn't saying things the way you want its a problem, because you aren't taking them the way he intends its a problem. However your affair did absolutely nothing to fix those issue, in fact they have created more. His attempts are met with anger, your anger is because his attempts are what you expect. No ones needs are being met. You are selfishly looking at it as he isn't holding up his end. Are you? We all know the anwser to that. The question is what are your plans to fix it? You made a great point about how I read into the boot comment and what his take was on it. I always tend to the the negative in everything so I automatically assumed he was putting my outfit down. You are right. I got NOTHING out of the A. For the past few years ive been in a rut. I just figured it was normal after 10 years of marriage. Never gave it any though and it was never really an issue between my H and I. Now that I had a taste of an A......I remember what it was that I miss so much. That attention and spark and excitment. H has been trying to do little things and tell me things here and there. I have to work on ME showing HIM these things too. We were going to start MC this week, but my therapist is out of town for 2 weeks. When she comes back, we will start MC. Link to post Share on other sites
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