Lack of dateable women in real life

[Woggle]

I have never struggled with dating but if I never met my wife I can't see how I would have have ever found another woman even remotely of the same quality. No offense to any single women this does not apply to but almost all the other women I know who I would want to be with if I never met her are taken and that status isn't changing anytime soon.

[Weezy1973]

Then you've not met very many men or run in a very small circle because there are tons of men out there that struggle to find relationships. Also, most men don't broadcast that they are having trouble with women.

 

Also just because a man you know now is in a relationship does not mean that he has never struggled.

 

Oh, for sure, I get that. Of course there are people, both men and women, that struggle with dating and relationships. What I'm saying, is that those people are way rarer than those that don't struggle. What I'm also saying, is that because of this fact (and if you actually bother to check the stats, you'll see it's a fact), the reason some people is entirely because of the people that are struggling, rather than an issue with our society, the opposite gender, feminism, etc.

[somedude81]

Oh, for sure, I get that. Of course there are people, both men and women, that struggle with dating and relationships. What I'm saying, is that those people are way rarer than those that don't struggle. What I'm also saying, is that because of this fact (and if you actually bother to check the stats, you'll see it's a fact), the reason some people is entirely because of the people that are struggling, rather than an issue with our society, the opposite gender, feminism, etc.

 

The problem with stats is that they don't check if the person is happy in the relationship or if they settled.

 

Yes, right now I could be married to a woman I have absolutely zero attraction to and that I can barely stand. Of course that isn't something that I want so I'm still single. Perhaps when I'm 40 I'll marry a woman I feel absolutely nothing for, but then I'll be in the majority of being married.

[xxoo]

The problem with stats is that they don't check if the person is happy in the relationship or if they settled.

 

Yes, right now I could be married to a woman I have absolutely zero attraction to and that I can barely stand. Of course that isn't something that I want so I'm still single. Perhaps when I'm 40 I'll marry a woman I feel absolutely nothing for, but then I'll be in the majority of being married.

 

Have you been to many weddings? Known a lot of engaged couples and newlyweds? Usually they are obnoxiously in love.

[Woggle]

Have you been to many weddings? Known a lot of engaged couples and newlyweds? Usually they are obnoxiously in love.

 

How long does that usually last though.

[Weezy1973]

The problem with stats is that they don't check if the person is happy in the relationship or if they settled.

 

Yes, right now I could be married to a woman I have absolutely zero attraction to and that I can barely stand. Of course that isn't something that I want so I'm still single. Perhaps when I'm 40 I'll marry a woman I feel absolutely nothing for, but then I'll be in the majority of being married.

 

Again - as before - you're just making things up. Happiness is a fluctuating state, whether you're in a relationship or single. Although that being said, people that are married rate themselves on average as being happier overall than those that are single.

[xxoo]

How long does that usually last though.

 

I dunno. Years for me and years for you, according to your posts.

 

But the point is that people aren't typically settling on the wedding day. They're in love!

[MissBee]

What are these standards that hundreds of thousands of men don't meet?

 

 

 

How does a woman determine if a man is compatible? You make it seem like it's a very rare thing for a woman to feel compatible with a man.

 

I have standards and yet I find women that I feel I'm compatible with all the time.

 

 

 

 

That's the same thing as standards. If a man doesn't meet your standards, then he isn't a good man and you don't like him.

 

 

 

Once again you are talking about "standards."

 

All I'm hearing from you is, "Women are very picky."

 

Then that means to me that a woman who is single, is only single because she's very picky and she can't find a guy that she feels is good enough for her.

 

 

 

What I'm saying is that all good women who want to date, and have reasonable standards are taken.

 

The women who are single, either want to be single, or they feel that nobody is good enough for them.

 

I've asked about your standards before, what you said was nice and not crazy or something of the sort. I'm not going to want to be with a man who is nice and not crazy if that is ALL. There are lots of other things I like or need to feel satisfied. Sorry somedude but I can't use your standards of compatibility given that you've never said what they are besides the bare minimum of nice, not crazy and big breasts or something as a measure. Of course if those are your standards LOTS of people will fit it. Lots of women are nice (which is very generic), not crazy and have big breasts. However, a man or woman who is a little more complex in terms of what they need will look at someone for dating with more in mind.

 

And it's not women...I said some women go from relationship to relationship because seemingly they like anyone or find a lot of people they like. This is anyone. There are people who simply want a warm body or "nice" and things of that sort and the vast majority of the world (men and women) can find that. However, if you're not someone like that who has specific things you need that aren't a dime a dozen then it will not be easy to find someone to be in a relationship with. Go on a date with, have sex with, sure...that's fairly simple. Invest emotionally, time wise, etc. that's another story.

 

I'm not sure how you made the leap to "no one is good enough", which is different from it not being a dime a dozen. As for whether or not someone's standard is reasonable...that is up to their discretion. I've seen threads go on and on by men complaining about women who want a man with a job and education and she finds him attractive as though how dare that bytch want that...her standards are unreasonable. So yea, it seems the people who complain about other people's standards are because they feel slighted because THEY don't fit it. But dating is all about each of us choosing what WE need. I have had boyfriends but like I said...it usually takes a while before I meet a man I click with who has the things I need. So it's not that NO ONE on the planet fits (nonsense) but that not everyone does and so I expect that when I date I will date more than I am in actual relationships.

 

All women who have reasonable standards are NOT taken...this is completely illogical. Most normal people are single at some point or another before another relationship or marriage and it is not always by choice. Again..if you wanna tell me that most women step out their door to eligible bachelors, that is a fantasy most of us WISH was true. And you're saying picky like it is a crime...a woman who is beautiful, educated, has a great job, friends, a life, dreams, goals, ambitions has EVERY reason to be picky and picky doesn't mean irrational impossible standards...it means a man who is not just any man but one who speaks to her and what she wants and needs. Men and women who are this way also have no issues being single if they don't find that. But that choice to be single isn't because they are rejecting all these suitable people, but because they have found no one they want to be with exclusively.

 

I suppose those desperate to be in a relationship will never understand the other side who are genuinely happy with themselves and their lives and see a relationship as a bonus. So while one side has significantly lower standards because being with anyone who is not crazy and nice is good enough, for others, not crazy and nice are givens and not a reason to be in a relationship.

 

 

And to my original point that the OP said about ALL good women are taken, if they are ALL taken, assuming they are heterosexual, then they are taken by other men. Therefore this also doesn't explain the lament....cause clearly some men are finding them....just not the one's complaining...so unless there is some secret club where all good women go and only some men are given the secret location to grab them up so that the rest of men can look around and say "ALL good women are taken and only single if they want to be..." then it doesn't make any sense.

 

Further what's a good woman to one and to another are entirely different things....and people will continue to date, break up, marry, etc. Which disproves this idea that somehow all good people are PERMANENTLY in relationships, like it is a conveyor belt of men that the minute you break up you find another one thus are never single. Good men and women are single all the time. That's how they meet other people and date...unless again when they are single the alert only goes out to some in secret or unless you're proposing some factual time frame in which you can prove that all good men and women stay single for before they are with anyone again.

 

Good men and women exist and are single and it's not always by choice, in the sense that, it's not as though they are rejecting suitable people but many haven't found someone who riles them up enough and makes them want to be with them...whereas for some folks every other person they meet they say they're in love. This is pretty basic...but there are books on the neuroscience of love and why we don't like or fall in love with EVERYONE but rather most of us only have a few types of people that we are likely to fall for (based on our background, our parents, etc. it's actually very predictable in many ways). Which is also why many folks may date a lot and only marry one person or two people even though they've dated a lot of people or date a lot but don't fall in love with but a few. This is the microcosm of the larger point that: standards and chemistry dictate who you like and want to be with so being a good woman or man does NOT mean you're automatically taken as you are just as likely as anyone to have to date around or be single before finding someone who makes you want to give that up.

Edited December 21, 2014 by MissBee

[MissBee]

I have never struggled with dating but if I never met my wife I can't see how I would have have ever found another woman even remotely of the same quality. No offense to any single women this does not apply to but almost all the other women I know who I would want to be with if I never met her are taken and that status isn't changing anytime soon.

 

I think lots of people in relationships feel like this. When I break up with a man that's the first thing I think: how will I ever meet anyone this good again? And your mind can't process it....but you do. I feel like most of my relationships I've upgraded. The point though is that it is not usually like I break up today then next week I'm with someone new. It tends to take a while before I find someone else I feel just as strongly for and am compatible with. But it happens.

 

Simialrly, with your wife she was a good woman who was SINGLE when you met her. The logic of the "all good women/men are taken" is one that some single people in affairs use to justify it, saying the only way they can find a good partner is to find a married one.... Which isn't true clearly. Your wife was single and so were you I assume...so clearly quality people are single. And quality single people get together. But they have to be single at some point.

 

The all good people are taken mantra makes it seem like quality people are PERMANENTLY in relationships and are NEVER single. This is nonsensical. they obviously had to be single to even find someone unless they just swing from one relationship to another...and people who do that IMO are not what I'd consider quality. Quality people take time to process IMO...but also for me I am not a fan of men who enter relationships lightly so I guess for my standard I want a man who is discriminating about who he chooses to invest in emotionally.

 

Also, I guess I don't see how a dating person would benefit from that mentality. Like what is productive about thinking in this way? I often JOKE that all the good men are taken if and when I meet a decent man I'm attracted to and he is in fact taken, but I'm mostly kidding. I don't seriously harbor these thoughts and I KNOW that lots of good men break up, they are single, just like me. I also hate when a man asks how come I'm single...I suppose it's supposed to be flattering but it's silly. I'm single because I haven't found anyone as yet to be with, maybe next month I will, maybe next 3 months or next 2 years. But when I break up or while single I do not have a buffet of men I feel strongly for who are good quality. I can find tons of men to date casually probably, but I also don't get into relationships unless I feel this man is marriage potential. So that makes my relationship standard even higher and less likely that every other man will meet it.

[MissBee]

Girls often have the next guy lined up before they break up with their current. Wish I had something better for you. It's plagued me.

 

Interesting...

 

Since every time I've broken up no one was in the wings and all my ex boyfriends had new gfs before I got into a new relationship.

 

I think certain kinds of people do this and it is not a man or woman thing but a "can't be alone" type of thing usually which is person specific.

[MissBee]

I see a lot of girls doing this snd even more who want to do it but can't, usually because they are unattractive to most guys.

 

And for all the girls you see, someone sees men doing it too. Hence, it is not about being a man or woman but that SOME men and women do this.

[insert_name]

Its not so much that all the good ones are taken. What I am trying to say with my OP is that in my recent experience (important to stress that as I am not trying to say its the same for everyone) single girls in their 30s all seem to have drama that precludes them from dating or being a viable date.

 

The only girl where this isnt the case is the one I have met through an official singles channel- OLD. We've been on a couple of dates and shes very down to earth and open to being in a relationship, no having to battle any reservations.

 

So its been kind of an eye opener that the abundant pool of single women offline just waiting to be tapped is not necessarily as abundant as I had thought. It all becomes a compex chore to firstly connect with a girl and then try and overcome the drama that puts obstacles in your way.

Edited December 21, 2014 by insert_name

[Woggle]

I think lots of people in relationships feel like this. When I break up with a man that's the first thing I think: how will I ever meet anyone this good again? And your mind can't process it....but you do. I feel like most of my relationships I've upgraded. The point though is that it is not usually like I break up today then next week I'm with someone new. It tends to take a while before I find someone else I feel just as strongly for and am compatible with. But it happens.

 

Simialrly, with your wife she was a good woman who was SINGLE when you met her. The logic of the "all good women/men are taken" is one that some single people in affairs use to justify it, saying the only way they can find a good partner is to find a married one.... Which isn't true clearly. Your wife was single and so were you I assume...so clearly quality people are single. And quality single people get together. But they have to be single at some point.

 

The all good people are taken mantra makes it seem like quality people are PERMANENTLY in relationships and are NEVER single. This is nonsensical. they obviously had to be single to even find someone unless they just swing from one relationship to another...and people who do that IMO are not what I'd consider quality. Quality people take time to process IMO...but also for me I am not a fan of men who enter relationships lightly so I guess for my standard I want a man who is discriminating about who he chooses to invest in emotionally.

 

Also, I guess I don't see how a dating person would benefit from that mentality. Like what is productive about thinking in this way? I often JOKE that all the good men are taken if and when I meet a decent man I'm attracted to and he is in fact taken, but I'm mostly kidding. I don't seriously harbor these thoughts and I KNOW that lots of good men break up, they are single, just like me. I also hate when a man asks how come I'm single...I suppose it's supposed to be flattering but it's silly. I'm single because I haven't found anyone as yet to be with, maybe next month I will, maybe next 3 months or next 2 years. But when I break up or while single I do not have a buffet of men I feel strongly for who are good quality. I can find tons of men to date casually probably, but I also don't get into relationships unless I feel this man is marriage potential. So that makes my relationship standard even higher and less likely that every other man will meet it.

 

 

The honest to god truth is I look what else is out there and I feel like I won the relationship lottery.

[Leigh 87]

I am a dateable woman ( thin, cute although nothing special, not undereducated, fun to talk to, lead an interesting life and I am a nice person and etc)

 

The reason I am single is because the men who really want me are not the ones I am attracted to and I don't want to have to settle for a relationship where I have to "grow" sexually attracted to a man over many months.

 

Many women are like me; we have offers from decent men, but we want to get butterflies and feel excited about those we date. We don't want to date men who we are indifferent about dating. Not all women want to settle down in a hurry and therefore we wait out for good and natural sexual chemistry.

 

There is nothing wrong with single women in their late 20's'; sure, some of us may have issues, but the majority are likely to be nice, normal women without any psychotic mental problems or depression...

[guest569]

Yes, right now I could be married to a woman I have absolutely zero attraction to and that I can barely stand. Of course that isn't something that I want so I'm still single. Perhaps when I'm 40 I'll marry a woman I feel absolutely nothing for, but then I'll be in the majority of being married.

 

And yet if a woman says the exact same thing that you have said, it makes her picky, selfish and with ridiculous unrealistic expectations. What about this: some dude, the reason you are single is because..:

 

 

The women who are single, either want to be single, or they feel that nobody is good enough for them.

[Weezy1973]

The honest to god truth is I look what else is out there and I feel like I won the relationship lottery.

 

And it's those feelings (that don't actually have anything to do with reality by the way) that keep relationships strong. Most people view their partners as much more amazing then they really are. Most of us are fairly average. By definition.

 

Question - do you look at your married friends and family members and think they also won the relationship lottery?

 

For most of my friends, I can't even see what they do in their partners. But I think my girlfriend is amazing!

[guest569]

The reason I am single is because the men who really want me are not the ones I am attracted to and I don't want to have to settle for a relationship where I have to "grow" sexually attracted to a man over many months.

 

Exactly!! Why is it such a crime to refuse to "settle" for someone you don't want to have sex with or don't want to spend your entire life with being driven up the wall.

 

I'm also a beautiful young woman with everything going for me. No, i don't want to date a man who i dont want to have sex with. I just want a man who works for a living, is kind hearted, trustworthy, attractive and comfortable to be around. And someone who I am excited about and cant get off my mind!!!! Yes, I have had a LOT of offers but I am happy to be alone until i find someone that I am interested in.

 

There are PLENTY of single people out in there 30s and yes baggage is part of being a grown up with experience. I also think a lot of these people are using past experiences as an excuse. The right man will instantly make me forget my heartbreak.

[Weezy1973]

I am a dateable woman ( thin, cute although nothing special, not undereducated, fun to talk to, lead an interesting life and I am a nice person and etc)

 

The reason I am single is because the men who really want me are not the ones I am attracted to and I don't want to have to settle for a relationship where I have to "grow" sexually attracted to a man over many months.

 

Many women are like me; we have offers from decent men, but we want to get butterflies and feel excited about those we date. We don't want to date men who we are indifferent about dating. Not all women want to settle down in a hurry and therefore we wait out for good and natural sexual chemistry.

 

There is nothing wrong with single women in their late 20's'; sure, some of us may have issues, but the majority are likely to be nice, normal women without any psychotic mental problems or depression...

 

Leigh - you've posted so many times on here that you feel chemistry with a lot of different men, and many that aren't "traditionally" attractive. Did something change?

[JuneJulySeptember]

It's hard to meet people when you get older.

 

When you have fun sharing a night or a weekend with someone, you kind of get that feeling that you got as a kid where you are happy with life because you had a fun time with your friend and you are sad that it is over. That is a connection and it is the foundation of a good relationship. Then you also need a relationship free of fighting and strife, etc.

 

That is what people should be aiming for and not butterflies IMHO.

 

I think forever single women sabotage themselves because they screen out so many men out based on looks and trivial dealbreakers that they deny themselves a real opportunity to meet someone they truly connect with and can talk and laugh with for hours. It's so hard already to find someone you connect with. If you reject people so easily before even meeting them, then you are really giving yourself zero chance.

 

If you could meet someone like that, it could really improve your happiness several fold.

[Woggle]

And it's those feelings (that don't actually have anything to do with reality by the way) that keep relationships strong. Most people view their partners as much more amazing then they really are. Most of us are fairly average. By definition.

 

Question - do you look at your married friends and family members and think they also won the relationship lottery?

 

For most of my friends, I can't even see what they do in their partners. But I think my girlfriend is amazing!

 

No I thank god I am not in their situation but they think I won the lottery. I know my wife is not super human because nobody but even basic decent qualities seem to be in short supply these days. It's not just gender either. My faith in humanity lately is quite low.

[MissBee]

The honest to god truth is I look what else is out there and I feel like I won the relationship lottery.

 

And that's how you should feel.

 

I think that's how everyone should feel when they marry someone.

[Woggle]

And that's how you should feel.

 

I think that's how everyone should feel when they marry someone.

 

Bit I also feel what I have is a very rare thing.

[Popsicle]

 

Its starting to dawn on me that the old maxim of "all the best ones are taken" is spot on when applied to dating from a mans perspective. Its a really tough hustle both on OLD and IRL if you are man in your 30s, thats for sure.

 

It is true. And, it is also true for women 30+ that "all the best ones are taken". I try to tell young people this all the time who are more concerned with not being tied down and having fun. That's all fine and dandy but accept the consequence that this is what you will have to deal with later when you are ready to settle down.

[Imajerk17]

Then you've not met very many men or run in a very small circle because there are tons of men out there that struggle to find relationships. Also, most men don't broadcast that they are having trouble with women.

 

Also just because a man you know now is in a relationship does not mean that he has never struggled.

 

I am confused by your stance somedude81.

 

You kvetch about women's standards but what about you. You have an FWB. In most situations, it is the guy who is in the driver's seat as to whether it becomes an exclusive relationship. I am curious as to why you--by your own opinion an average guy--don't seem to want to have this woman as your girlfriend. And how your reluctance is "more fair" than women having standards/expecting chemistry.

[USMCHokie]

Also, most men women don't broadcast that they are having trouble with women men.

 

Also just because a man woman you know now is in a relationship does not mean that he she has never struggled.

 

See above. Oftentimes you wouldn't have the slightest clue that some women are downright unhappy even though they put on the guise that they are happily coupled. But in reality, they are simply are bouncing around from subpar relationship to subpar relationship.