Leigh 87 Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 Us girls don't generally look for movie star looks. We just want to actually WANT to date a man and feel happy and excited about the date rather than be indifferent. I don't need a guy to be hot. I'm single yet still dateable to a decent enough amount of guys because I need to actually be excited about dating then. Or I'd rather be their friend. Simple. The difference between friends and romantic partners is: You don't look extra forward to their texts and phone calls. You don't get giddy with excitement about having a lunch date with them. You don't re read their texts. I'm all for meeting new friends. However, I am not going to date a new guy that I only feel like being friends with simply because he has such a wonderful personality. It is 2014. Women are often happy single and childless. Or else they adopt, as a single mother. I'm not ugly to the majority and a small minority of men find me very attractive. II have the luxury of holding out for a man that captures my interest from day one and whom I share mutual attraction with. Guys can carry on and lament that we are being unrealistic and we should "nice guys" a chance. .. excuse me? We DO prefer nice guys. We just want chemistry and a spark. Not love at first site. Nor do we want a male model or movie star look alike! We don't need them to have fat bank balance. It really ****s me when guys assume that we just want the jerks . No No No. We just want mutual attraction with a guy that puts a smile on our face the day after meeting him. AAnd a guy who also grins like an idiot a little due to meeting us. I have had to tell guys to sod off when I reject them after a first date, because they think that I owe it to them and to myself , to give them a chance and get to know them. Yeah sure, as a friend ! But noooooo they think I should give dating then a chance ! Which is silly, since the second a guy comes along that I have instant and mutual chemistry and excitement about, I'll drop the guy I'm not into like a hot potato. Sorry but I'd MUCH rather date and enter into a long term relationship with a man whom I'm actually happy a day excited about dating opposed to tthe man I'm indifferent about dating. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 Or else they adopt, as a single mother. . I don't know anybody who has done that or really even considered it. More people should. It's really a win-win scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 The one YOU will end up with may not have been the obvious choice. The one YOU and a few OTHERS end up with may not have thought you were anything special - they had to "grow" attracted to you over months. They didn't think "hey they are cute" or " wow they are pretty" when they met you. You are welcome to begin your relationships with indifference. I, along with many other women who end up in happy relationships - DO NOT date men who we have zero inclination to date - that is FRIENDSHIP - a man you meet and you have zero chemistry or attraction towards. Plenty of couples were excited about dating one another from day one - they didn't feel indifferent. They were attracted. They WANTED to kiss on date one because of the natural chemistry. So yeah not everyone ends up with their least obvious choice. Besides - I don't have preference as to what race or what type of job the guy does - I am hardly being fussy here in wanting two things: instant attraction, excitement and chemistry with a long term partner. Fussy is wanting them to have a certain job, earn a certain income, be a of a certain ethnicity and to be tall dark and handsome.. or something. THAT is why I am single - I CHOOSE to be single because I am happier single than I am forcing myself to date men I am not attracted to or excited about dating! I have been single for a total of... a few months in the last 5 years. Now I am choosing to stay single until I find what it is what I, myself, know makes me happy (after my long term relationships and various dating experiences). Women like myself know what they want in a partner and they are not going to date men just because we get offers. Not everyone WANTS a relationship badly enough to date people whom we aren't attracted to and whom we feel zero chemistry with....... Meh, chemistry is overrated and fleeting. I've done the chemistry situation, had the butterflies, sparks, etc. Only for it to fizzle out quite quickly. It typically winds out being short term (couple of years) and then the couple moves on...usually amicably. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 Like I've said, my goals are not unrealistic. It doesn't really matter what generalizations you make. I generally have no problem finding a suitable partner. So why would i date someone that excites me so little, that i would rather sit at home and watch tv? If you have no problem finding a suitable partner then you must be in a serious, long term relationship? Weird because so many people struggle on here with dating and relationships, but you have "no problem." What's your secret? Link to post Share on other sites
Mangina Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 It is not their fault they are not attracted to us and not our fault for being born the way we are. It is just nature Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 If you have no problem finding a suitable partner then you must be in a serious, long term relationship? Weird because so many people struggle on here with dating and relationships, but you have "no problem." What's your secret? I was in a serious, long term relationship. He broke my heart and I'm not ready for the next one. I didnt say i have no problem with dating and relationships, i said i have no problem finding suitable partners. There's a lot more to it than finding them... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MGX Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 Not everyone WANTS a relationship badly enough to date people whom we aren't attracted to and whom we feel zero chemistry with....... I generally have no problem finding a suitable partner. So why would i date someone that excites me so little, that i would rather sit at home and watch tv? I've said nothing about not being attracted to or having no chemistry with a potential match, just giving someone a chance to show you if there was something intriguing about a guy before you ultimately decided to pass on them. I've said before that there had to be something that attracts you in the first place, so I don't know where this "no attraction at all" thing came from. I suggested toning down unrealistic expectations -- that didn't mean settling for anyone you come across. There IS a difference. The 1 to 10 scale has more numbers than 1 and 10, you know. Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 If you are no longer with them, they were obviously not suitable partners. Your approach to dating now has you single, broken hearted, and not ready to date again. Yet you think it's working for you? The fact that people have split up, and it happens often, has no correlation of what's "working for you." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SJC2008 Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 (edited) Exactly this. The always singles will find any reason other than trying to look objectively at themselves and what they're doing to explain the difficulties they're having with dating and relationships. The vast majority of adults are in relationships. The vast majority of people that want to be in a relationship, date successfully and find one. For the very small minority that don't (a group that will be over-represented on Internet forums like LS), there is something else going on with themselves making it such a struggle. The key being that it's with themselves. Not the world at large. And I suspect that as long as the OP, and the others in this thread continue to blame the world, instead of looking at themselves and how they can change, they will continue to struggle. And continue to blame the world. There is some truth to what you say but it's not black and white. On the flip side would that mean people who are more successful at dating are more objective about themselves? I hope that's not the point you're trying to make because there are plenty of people who have had LTRs/married wouldn't look at themselves if their life depended on it. But they're coupled up so they're the normal ones and we're the ogres. People that jump from r to r because they can't be alone are the normal ones and the ones who are permasingle let's say because they're afraid to get hurt are the outcasts because they're alone. They're both fear based behaviors are they not? They're just on opposite ends of the spectrum. So why is one "fear" more acceptable than the other? Why am I the outcast? That's not my only issue, I'm very shy and can be awkward (do I sound objective? Like I've looked in the mirror?). The bottom line is that all you have to do is "appear" normal on the outside and you're golden. Most people aren't objective/self aware and most people date sooner after a breakup than they should but they're "normal" because they're not awkward. Awkwardness is a curse!!! Edited December 24, 2014 by SJC2008 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 I find reading through this thread terribly interesting. It must be very frustrating for someone who's looking for something serious to find out that probably about 90% of the world population is caught up in some sort of drama from their past relationship(s). Majority of them simply can't let go, are 'in limbo' or have other issues. Unless you bring a lot of patience and money you'll never find the few good ones that are left. And I think the saying "the good ones are already taken" is a bit too kind - 'the good ones' is a very small number in general, and the number of bad apples getting married is pretty great when you look at divorce and infidelity rates or the number of babies born to an adoptive father (who doesn't know about it when signing the birth certificate). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 A good friend of mine broke up with her fiancé of several years, just 2 weeks ago. She already has a new boyfriend. I think it's an awful idea. She's insane for jumping into something new so quickly. He's insane for thinking she's "available". She's not what I would call dateable at all (currently), yet she's dating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 If you are no longer with them, they were obviously not suitable partners. Your approach to dating now has you single, broken hearted, and not ready to date again. Yet you think it's working for you? That's pretty low. But not surprising coming from you. Link to post Share on other sites
lauren13 Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 A good friend of mine broke up with her fiancé of several years, just 2 weeks ago. She already has a new boyfriend. I think it's an awful idea. She's insane for jumping into something new so quickly. He's insane for thinking she's "available". She's not what I would call dateable at all (currently), yet she's dating. Speaking of this.. Similar story with a friend of mine - she was with this guy for 6 years, they were engaged and planning the wedding, then he told her he isn't sure about his feelings anymore and whether he was in love with her, so they broke up. She met someone else like 3-4 weeks later & they started dating. Her ex came back crawling roughly 2 months after the BU, but she didn't take him back. She was dating the other guy less than a year when they got married and now they are still happily together and have two kids. Anyways.. this thread is interesting! A friend of mine once described dating as finding a full-time job when you're out of grad school and have a few experiences. You go to 200 interviews and in some cases they don't think you are the right fit, in other cases the employer isn't the right fit.. but then you find something that "clicks" and you stay there longer. You often know what will work for you and you go after that. I like to think that I know what I want in my SO; but as far as first approach goes - if a guy comes up to me, starts a conversation and I find him interesting I will agree to go out with him. There needs to be some spark (so it doesn't feel like I'm talking to my brother) but I don't need fireworks right away - personally I've had that 'chemistry' developed later on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
endlessabyss Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 Speaking of this.. Similar story with a friend of mine - she was with this guy for 6 years, they were engaged and planning the wedding, then he told her he isn't sure about his feelings anymore and whether he was in love with her, so they broke up. She met someone else like 3-4 weeks later & they started dating. Her ex came back crawling roughly 2 months after the BU, but she didn't take him back. She was dating the other guy less than a year when they got married and now they are still happily together and have two kids. This makes me cringe so much. Brings back so many personal memories. Only differences are my ex left me, and had a kid with her now b/f in a little after four months we broke up. Two years later they seem to be pretty happy. Me and my ex were together a little longer, and already had a kid together as well. I've been single since, with no interest from anyone lol. Still hurts pretty bad at times, and I am still trying to figure out if this is what fate had for me, and will have for me in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
SJC2008 Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 I find reading through this thread terribly interesting. It must be very frustrating for someone who's looking for something serious to find out that probably about 90% of the world population is caught up in some sort of drama from their past relationship(s). Majority of them simply can't let go, are 'in limbo' or have other issues. Unless you bring a lot of patience and money you'll never find the few good ones that are left. And I think the saying "the good ones are already taken" is a bit too kind - 'the good ones' is a very small number in general, and the number of bad apples getting married is pretty great when you look at divorce and infidelity rates or the number of babies born to an adoptive father (who doesn't know about it when signing the birth certificate). Join the club! We live in a society where being divorced at 35 is more "credible" than being 35 and never been married. There are good and bad people in every category but the permasingle a are singled out as if everyone else is better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SJC2008 Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 I find reading through this thread terribly interesting. It must be very frustrating for someone who's looking for something serious to find out that probably about 90% of the world population is caught up in some sort of drama from their past relationship(s). Majority of them simply can't let go, are 'in limbo' or have other issues. Unless you bring a lot of patience and money you'll never find the few good ones that are left. And I think the saying "the good ones are already taken" is a bit too kind - 'the good ones' is a very small number in general, and the number of bad apples getting married is pretty great when you look at divorce and infidelity rates or the number of babies born to an adoptive father (who doesn't know about it when signing the birth certificate). It is really hard to find a good single woman that is relationship material. I imagine the same is true for men but if you are a quality person looking for the same the pickings are slim. I would say after a certain age finding a great woman who you can have a quality and lasting relationship with is almost like winning the lottery. It is like winning the lottery for both sexes. Speaking as a man, finding a good woman who is submissive in a healthy way is a tall order. Many women will take issue with me saying submissive because they don't know what healthy submissive is. It doesn't mean I want to be some controlling dictator. It means I want a woman who looks to her man to lead the relationship/household but who is strong and can lead in areas I'm weak in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 It is like winning the lottery for both sexes. Speaking as a man, finding a good woman who is submissive in a healthy way is a tall order. Many women will take issue with me saying submissive because they don't know what healthy submissive is. It doesn't mean I want to be some controlling dictator. It means I want a woman who looks to her man to lead the relationship/household but who is strong and can lead in areas I'm weak in. Yeah to me that is really old fashioned and sexist. There are a lot of women who would seek that though, usually they want to be paid for and looked after. To me that is childish and unwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 I met a guy last night who I DO want a relationship with once I get to know him and ascertain that we are compatible. From moment one sparks were flying and we just wanted to keep talking and kissing all night. Sex not on the table. We had absolutely insane attraction and sexual chemistry and we also got along well and enjoyed talking and felt comfortable around one another. My heart flutters when he calls and texts and I cannot wait to see him. He also happens to my type of guy. THIS ^^^ is what I seek. THIS is why I have been single for the past 4 months. I am hoping to find a best friend in life who adds to my life in a positive way - who I also happen to have insane sexual chemistry with from the outset. I could have dated any number of men who wanted to date me (two super nice guys wanted to date me and thought I was gorgeous and I am fairly sure they would have been stable and comfortable long term partners) yet I passed them up in favour of waiting for a guy that actually excites me. THIS ^^ is why some of us girls CHOOSE to remain single. We hold out for not only a best friend - a life partner - but someone who NATURALLY generates intense chemistry that is not something that has to "grow', but rather, chemistry that gets deeper and stronger as you fall for each others characters. People who find partners where things start out like it has between me and this latest guy - have very intense sex lives if their relationships lasts long term, and they still make out like teenagers years into their relationships - because they had NATURAL chemistry that didn't have to really be manufactured. I am happy to wait out for this **** ^^^ I am not expecting it to last with this guy because hey, most dating amounts to nothing. But man, it was exhilarating and thrilling just to kiss him and talk to him for hours so I lucked out by just getting to experience this sort of happiness high albeit however temporary it may be! Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 thread closed 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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