Will he ever be mine?

[ZaraST]

So, I'm looking for some advice to guide me through the situation I am currently in. I'm 21 and only had two relationships.

 

Here goes...

 

Almost three years ago my boyfriend broke up with me, I looked in other directions seeking attention and comfort. Via social media i connected with a total stranger. We spoke for almost a year, not thinking much of it, a half before meeting out of the blue through pure luck. I fell in love with this guy even though we both knew there were deep feelings even before we had met, I then found out he had a girlfriend, I tried to stop myself feeling what I felt but i believed it was too late, i was in love with him, deeply. I knew what i was doing was wrong but i just couldn't bring myself to let him go (selfish i know).

 

In December last year things got very deep and serious and i was falling for him like i never had before, i contemplated giving up university to move back home to be closer to him, he convinced me things would be over with him and his girlfriend after the new year. Come January 11th this year he was gone. Completely vanished, he had blocked my number without even a word. I was completely heart broken and I couldn't talk to anyone as this was such a huge secret. I spent months crying myself to sleep, even my 21st birthday, i never understood what i had done wrong.

 

Four months passed, i was still a complete mess but was slowly realizing he was not going to return to my life. Then in April this year out the blue during my holiday I get a text, like nothing had happened. like we were still the same as the previous December. I knew i shouldn't have replied but i could not help myself. I told myself i would not allow myself to get involved with him but i at least wanted to know why.

 

Unfortunately i did not listen to my head and i continued speaking to him like nothing had happened. He gave me a crappy excuse but i didn't want to bring up too much in case i ruined things and he disappeared again.

 

So now we come to December 2014 - He is not living with his girlfriend but they are still together, he left his job and had to move out. we spend at least three nights a week together, it feels like we are in a relationship and we express our love for each other, but he still has a girlfriend. I know it is completely wrong of me for what i am doing but i am so deeply in love with him i don't know how i would cope without him. I was a mess when he left me the first time and we weren't even as deep as we are now.

 

I know deep down that if he really loved me he would just have me but i try and find reasons why we have been brought together. I love everything about him I genuinely feel he is my soul mate, i adore him.

I think about our future together constantly. However i know i would never be able to trust him knowing what he is capable of. I feel so stupid for getting myself into this situation but now it seems there is no going back. I think about walking away completely but constantly find myself wondering 'what if'.

 

Will he ever leave her?

 

Does he really love me?

 

How do I get control of this situation?

 

P.s I know what i am doing is the lowest o the low, so please no harsh comments. I have kept this a secret for almost three years, im reaching out for support and advice to help me make the right choice.

[d0nnivain]

He hasn't picked you do far so even if she dumps him & he comes running to you, you will forever be his second choice. Do you really want that?

 

 

Have enough self respect to walk away & rebuild your life.

[FusionCutter]

So, I'm looking for some advice to guide me through the situation I am currently in. I'm 21 and only had two relationships.

 

Here goes...

 

Almost three years ago my boyfriend broke up with me, I looked in other directions seeking attention and comfort. Via social media i connected with a total stranger. We spoke for almost a year, not thinking much of it, a half before meeting out of the blue through pure luck. I fell in love with this guy even though we both knew there were deep feelings even before we had met, I then found out he had a girlfriend, I tried to stop myself feeling what I felt but i believed it was too late, i was in love with him, deeply. I knew what i was doing was wrong but i just couldn't bring myself to let him go (selfish i know).

 

In December last year things got very deep and serious and i was falling for him like i never had before, i contemplated giving up university to move back home to be closer to him, he convinced me things would be over with him and his girlfriend after the new year. Come January 11th this year he was gone. Completely vanished, he had blocked my number without even a word. I was completely heart broken and I couldn't talk to anyone as this was such a huge secret. I spent months crying myself to sleep, even my 21st birthday, i never understood what i had done wrong.

 

Four months passed, i was still a complete mess but was slowly realizing he was not going to return to my life. Then in April this year out the blue during my holiday I get a text, like nothing had happened. like we were still the same as the previous December. I knew i shouldn't have replied but i could not help myself. I told myself i would not allow myself to get involved with him but i at least wanted to know why.

 

Unfortunately i did not listen to my head and i continued speaking to him like nothing had happened. He gave me a crappy excuse but i didn't want to bring up too much in case i ruined things and he disappeared again.

 

So now we come to December 2014 - He is not living with his girlfriend but they are still together, he left his job and had to move out. we spend at least three nights a week together, it feels like we are in a relationship and we express our love for each other, but he still has a girlfriend. I know it is completely wrong of me for what i am doing but i am so deeply in love with him i don't know how i would cope without him. I was a mess when he left me the first time and we weren't even as deep as we are now.

 

I know deep down that if he really loved me he would just have me but i try and find reasons why we have been brought together. I love everything about him I genuinely feel he is my soul mate, i adore him.

I think about our future together constantly. However i know i would never be able to trust him knowing what he is capable of. I feel so stupid for getting myself into this situation but now it seems there is no going back. I think about walking away completely but constantly find myself wondering 'what if'.

 

Will he ever leave her?

 

Does he really love me?

 

How do I get control of this situation?

 

P.s I know what i am doing is the lowest o the low, so please no harsh comments. I have kept this a secret for almost three years, im reaching out for support and advice to help me make the right choice.

 

You have answered your own questions. One way you can get control is to stop trying to control the situation.. and as a result of trying to control the situation, it controls you.

[GirlStillStrong]

Ugh. 21 is such a difficult age for anyone to be involved in this kind of thing. Listen, I know you have strong feelings for him but this is not the guy. Believe me. Let me tell you what I have learned about falling in love like this. Your feelings are very strong and you think it's about him but please trust me when I tell you, it's not about him, it's about you. Your heart and your mind are hyperfocusing on him and what he is doing and all the feelings you get from being with him and what your future with him would look like, but in reality what you need to do is focus ALL of that on YOU. That is, growing YOU. Do not leave university for him, or ANY man! You are in an exploratory lifestage and I assure you, a man (if you can call this guy that) is NOT a life. This guy is involved with you because he can use you, he has the upper hand in this and he knows it. He knows you believe you are in love with him and he has and will continue to use that to his advantage. Seek independence and strength, not this.

[Dreamworld]

I think I may have become very simple minded after all my experiences,

but I find that any man, single, married, attached, divorced, gay, bi, whatever, who pulls vanishing acts for extended time periods and then waltzes back into your life pretending nothing happened are not worth my time.

 

 

If you have developed feelings for the man, yes it SO tempting to jump on that text, to answer that call, to meet him, but I recommend resisting that urge. Give it right back to them. They had that one chance and they blew it. It pays off in the long run. And you will love yourself so much more for it.

 

 

I have been the jilted date prospect, the wife of a cheater, and an OW to a cheating married man. Trust me, this **** is not worth it. Hang in there! And man, 21 is too young to be dealing with this crap!!! good luck!!