Struggling to accept it... how did you?

[outthewindow]

I'm a long time lurker and first time poster here, which should give you some clue as to the state my marriage has been in for some time...

 

A little background. We've been married for 9 years and I moved to his country, at his request, six years ago. Since then I have really struggled to build a life for myself here. I now have friends and hobbies and have helped him build his business the entire time I've been here. Throughout our marriage he has threatened divorce on a yearly basis but never followed through with it, obviously, as we are still married.

 

We have had A LOT of problems together, we dont communicate very well which is compounded by the fact that both of us have different mother tongues, even though his English is brilliant, there are so many mis-communications between us it has lead to a lot of resentment, frustration and just not getting each other. Over the years these communication problems, along with the fact that both of us are stubborn and somewhat childish (we are both in our mid thirties) has pushed us further and further apart. There have also been a lot of outside factors that have had a negative influence on us, family deaths, health issues, fertility issues, addiction issues (not ours but our immediate family on both sides) and all of that has happened in the last few years. We have barely spoken or done anything fun together in all that time.

 

The last few months have been particularly aweful! He has told me on no less than 6 separate occasions that he wants a divorce in the space of those months. He packs and leaves but comes back in a day or two. Sometimes sleeping on the sofa, sometimes in bed with me. We started MC but that wasnt getting us anywhere as each week would be different, one week we would be together, the next week we wouldn't be and so on, so the MC had no direction really. We finally agreed to separate two weeks ago and he moved out. He was back the next day and asked to stay to which I said no, then he was back almost every day that first week. We had an MC session in which I told him that it wasnt working like this and that he needed to come get his stuff and really move out to give us both space and time to decide what we wanted and arranged a day for him to come and collect his things.

 

The evening before move out day he begged me to be home when he came to get his stuff, so I was, and he ended up staying for 5 days... I know I should've put my foot down, but I love him and don't want this divorce so of course I caved in and let him stay. On the 5th day he came home from work, did some laundry as I made dinner, we ate, he took a shower and when he came out of the bathroom he said it was over, and that he was leaving. He went from being normal and loving to standing over me aggressively telling me that his feelings had changed towards me and that he didn't want to work on it anymore etc. etc. This was nothing new, he has been saying this for at least the last two years. This time I completely lost it! I screamed at him to get out and cleared out his wardrobe for him - not very nicely - and took his keys from him and told him in a few choice words what I thought of all this on again off again poo that he was putting me through.

 

Since then he's been much the same - via text and phone - running hot and cold, telling me that he misses me and loves me and that I'm his 'home' one time, then telling me that I need to move on and being cold the next time.

 

I have had each conversation with him since Dday with the view that we are over for good. I told him that I'm seeing a lawyer soon and asked him if I should start the paperwork for divorce now or if I should wait until the new year to do it and his reply is that he doesn't know. I asked if I could have the car to pick up some moving boxes and he tells me that he doesn't want to think about that. Then he tells me that he doesn't want to talk about breaking up, me packing and moving home or any of the practicalities as he's overwhelmed by it all. He keeps asking to see me too.

 

I am so confused! I accept that we are done but at the same time he is completely throwing me off with the way he acts and what he says.

 

I love him, and in my perfect world we would work on our issues and not split up but I know that we are toxic together as we are now and if he doesn't want to work on it I'm willing to pack up my life here and move home and give him a divorce.

 

Why is he acting this way if he wants to divorce me? What should I do?

 

My head says go but my heart is begging for him to come back.

 

It's been a week now, and I spend most of my time curled in a ball, bawling. I barely sleep and I barely eat. I need some help from someone who's been here. Please help. I'm so lost.

 

How do I stop this, one way or another? And why cant he be clear on what he wants?

 

Oh help!

[Mr. Lucky]

How do I stop this, one way or another?

 

The answer seems pretty easy - get off the merry-go-round.

 

No more back and forth with him, time for some firm ground rules. Don't answer texts about moving home and hang up on any phone conversation that includes discussion of same. If not done already, change the locks.

 

Tell him that, if he wants to fight for his marriage, get settled in his own place and begin an unbroken series of counseling sessions with you. If you make progress as a couple over the course of months, you'll consider living together.

 

Any variation from this - or any other - plan is on YOU! He can't force, command or mandate any course of action that you don't consent to. To this point, you've enabled his unstable behavior. If he's threatened to leave 15 times, many would have believed him the 2nd or 3rd time. And most would have required his departure after the 4th or 5th...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Satu]

You can't live a decent life without stability.

 

If he can't make a decision and stick to it, there's no stability.

 

I'm actually wondering if he has some undiagnosed and untreated mental health problem...

 

It seems that there may be a possibility of that being the case.

[lonewalker]

You can't live a decent life without stability.

 

If he can't make a decision and stick to it, there's no stability.

 

I'm actually wondering if he has some undiagnosed and untreated mental health problem...

 

It seems that there may be a possibility of that being the case.

 

 

That is my guess too. He is probably having some mental issues

[EverySunset]

It's so hard to leave when you still love someone.

 

But because tonight I'm sad I did what you are scared to do, I will say it fast then go be by myself again, and cry myself.

 

I know it's hard to leave him. I can hear how much you love him. But know - no matter how many times you cry... You have to love yourself more.

 

His kind of love is CRUEL.

 

Leave. You walk away, not watch him leave. You are walking towards yourself. A man who will love you in a supportive, caring and gentle way is out there. But until you find him, or bother to look - you be that guy.

 

Protect yourself the way you would for someone you love. Be adoring and good to yourself the way the man you deserve would be towards you.

 

You have a big heart. Find a man who can appreciate that. And you.

 

And cherish HIM. And yourself - first.

[outthewindow]

Thank you, all of you! Really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

 

Today is his birthday, so being the idiot that I am I called to wish him a happy birthday. Throughout the day he has called me 4 times wanting to come over, not wanting to come over. Telling me how alone and lonely he feels, and how this is the worst time of his life.

 

I know that I enable him. I know it, I just can't figure out how to stop myself.

 

In the end I told him this wasn't ok, that I'm not his friend, he can't expect me to be there to support him when he doesn't do the same for me. I told him I didn't want to speak to him any more... Then he asked if we could get together after Christmas to exchange gifts. What? Why?

 

I said no, I really didn't want to speak to him anymore so he tells me that he'll just text then.

 

He told me again that he doesn't want to work on us, so why is he doing this? Why can't he just let me go and stop torturing me?

 

I'm sitting here typing this through my tears. I'm devastated, just devastated. I know I deserve better than this. Yet I can't help feeling that I'm losing everything. I guess in a way I am. I'm the one that must pack up my life here and fly to the other side of the world. I'm the one who has to say goodbye to my friends here... Leave my cats behind... Leave my home behind and start again from nothing.

 

I'm so lost and alone here. And I can't get my head around the fact the this is the same guy I married. The one that used to make me feel like I could do anything, and now makes me feel like absolute rubbish. How did I become so disposable? How did I become do less than? And how do I get myself back?

 

I don't know if I'm going to make it. I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. My life has collapsed around me and I'm stuck in this horrid abyss.

[GirlStillStrong]

If he went to the doctor today and the doctor called you in and told you this guy is severely mentally ill and will never get better, that he will always treat you like a pingpong ball, would you say that's okay, that you accept this incurable, untreatable disease, and want to remain with him and live this way for the rest of your life, until death do you part? Yes or No?

[Stuck75]

I am so sorry you are in this situation! It sounds a little similar to mine and unfortunately, I can't tell you how to work through it because I'm trying to figure it all out myself. All I know is- you must be a strong person to move to another country and start a new life like you did. Use that strength to simply put one foot in front of the other for a while and move on. You'll most likely look back someday and realize you did the right thing. It only gets more difficult to leave the longer you stay (not to mention- if there are kids involved). Please understand that I say this as someone who is struggling to take the same step in my life after 17 years in a volatile and toxic marriage- and with 3 kids in tow.

 

As far as feeling like "rubbish" and such, I am struggling with much of the same feelings. I know for me, I am terrified to be alone. At the same time, I am terrified that if I stay, I will look back someday (if nothing ever changes) and think- why didn't I leave and try to find someone who would love me, or at least learn to be content on my own? I struggle with feeling that I am unworthy of love, and I think this just comes from living in a toxic relationship. Again, it is easier for me to tell another person this (instead of doing it in my own life) but you are worthy of love and you can make it on your own. It will be hard, but probably not as hard as staying in a toxic relationship. Good luck to you, whatever you choose.

[GirlStillStrong]

I'm sitting here typing this through my tears. I'm devastated, just devastated. I know I deserve better than this. Yet I can't help feeling that I'm losing everything. I guess in a way I am. I'm the one that must pack up my life here and fly to the other side of the world. I'm the one who has to say goodbye to my friends here... Leave my cats behind... Leave my home behind and start again from nothing.

 

I'm so lost and alone here. And I can't get my head around the fact the this is the same guy I married. The one that used to make me feel like I could do anything, and now makes me feel like absolute rubbish. How did I become so disposable? How did I become do less than? And how do I get myself back?

 

I don't know if I'm going to make it. I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. My life has collapsed around me and I'm stuck in this horrid abyss.

OK, have to address this too. I know you are feeling badly but you need to get a grip here. There are things going on with him that you know nothing about. You are only seeing the symptoms of something else. So stop attributing HIS bad behavior to YOUR worth. Neither a man nor a marriage define a woman!! YOU define you!

 

You are not lost and alone. You are a grown woman who is completely capable of taking care of herself and getting things done. You might be a little overwhelmed right now but it is just stress. You can do this! You can do what you need to do to keep moving forward in life. You need to stop awfulizing, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and take care of business.

 

You are letting SOME GUY walk all over you and play games with you. What you describe of his behavior reminds me of trying to be in a relationship with a drug addict or alcoholic. They will pick fights with you and be all ****ing dramatic and create all this chaos so that gives them the excuse to go get hammered and screw around doing all kinds of crap. Then they come back all apologetic and loving, and draw you back in. They know your weaknesses and vulnerabilities and they play on them to their advantage. Men suck this way. You need to put on your big girl panties, hon, and quit letting this boy (yes, BOY) **** with your head. Let me guess, he's Italian?

[Mr. Lucky]

I told him I didn't want to speak to him any more...

 

Again OP, why doesn't your post stop there? " I told him I didn't want to speak to him any more. " is a complete sentence containing intent, cause and effect and anything that happens from there is up to you. And it's hard to complain he's torturing you when, on an emotional basis, you're allowing him to chain you in the basement.

 

Here's the solution to all your problems with him - get a new phone and unlisted phone number ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[outthewindow]

Mr. lucky and Girlstillstrong:

Thank you, I know you are both trying to beat some sense into me with your words. On a logical, rational level I understand and appreciate it. Thanks. I actually miscounted, it's a week tomorrow since he moved out... I need time, I'll get there, but I need to somehow let it settle.

 

Stuck75:

I genuinely feel for you. I've been married for 9 years and we don't have kids and this is hard enough... I cannot imagine how difficult a decision it must be for you. Your advice to me is perfect! Perhaps one say soon you can make that step that you're so scared of and realize that it wasn't as bad as you'd feared it would be... At least, thats what I'm hoping for myself.

 

Satu and Lonewalker:

You are both undoubtedly right, however in this relationship I was always labelled the mentally unstable one because I have a history of depression, and, well, he's never been diagnosed with any anything... Not that he's been checked for it either so who knows?

 

Everysunset:

It's incredibly hard to leave someone you still love. Even if logic is telling you they are terrible for you and you deserve better it's so, so hard! And you are right again, his love is cruel and that shouldn't be how love is. I need to keep reminding myself of that instead of thinking of only the good times, I need to think about how it felt every time he said that aweful word to me and how it crushed me each time... And still does. And that's what I need to walk away from. I wish you all the best for your journey too.

[outthewindow]

I went to see a divorce lawyer today. Thankfully divorce is relatively simple here, no fault and 50/50 seeing as we have no kids and nothing to really separate except ourselves.

 

I still can't believe I did it, all by myself, without any help from anyone.

 

I never really appreciated how much harder life is in a place where you don't have fluent language skills until I came here. It's definitely made me lose a lot of confidence in myself so even something as silly as making an appointment is a victory for me.

 

All that aside I was a mess before I went, I was a mess getting there and I was shaking the whole time I was there. Get home and cried my eyes out... The kind where I'm screaming but no sound comes out, just tears and my heart breaking.

 

All I wanted to do was call him as soon as I got out of there... But I didn't. I didn't call, I didn't text, I didn't email... I just came home and cried. Coming up to 24 hours NC and all I want is to hear his voice again. But I know if I cal,l his voice won't say any of the things I need to hear, it will just harm me some more so I'm going to sit and cry a bit more instead.

[outthewindow]

I went and bought myself a Christmas present... Seeing as this place is a rental and I'll be leaving in a few short months I wanted something that was mine, not ours, that I could take with me... So I bought myself some new sheets. Really pretty girly ones that he would've hated! Slept well for the first time since all of this has happened as a result. Yay me!

[Mr. Lucky]

When there's not another person to spoil you, sometimes you've got to spoil yourself! Keep it up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[outthewindow]

You're totally right Mr Lucky, sometimes we need to spoil ourselves!

 

I've almost made it through Christmas without him... I can't quite believe it, but I've almost done it! It's been sad and awful, but I lived!

 

I'm not missing the arguements, and the disappointments... But I am missing having someone to hold me. Someone to cook for and eat with... Someone to tell about my day and someone to come home to...

 

This whole thing is just so so sad.

 

Anyway, I hope you all made it through Christmas in one piece!

[kenmore]

You're totally right Mr Lucky, sometimes we need to spoil ourselves!

 

I've almost made it through Christmas without him... I can't quite believe it, but I've almost done it! It's been sad and awful, but I lived!

 

I'm not missing the arguements, and the disappointments... But I am missing having someone to hold me. Someone to cook for and eat with... Someone to tell about my day and someone to come home to...

 

This whole thing is just so so sad.

 

Anyway, I hope you all made it through Christmas in one piece!

 

Congratulations to us all, Christmas is almost over and we came through!

 

And, I know exactly how you feel when you say someone to cook for. Even though I am a man, I was always the best cook and it was a point of pride to me. I absolutely loved cooking great gourmet meals for my family, and now that I'm alone, it is gone. Completely gone. I have absolutely no desire to cook anything, and little desire to eat (though I don't seem to be losing weight, sadly.) I went through this when my first wife died, and my desire to cook came back when I started dating again. It's curious how much effect a relationship can have on something so seemingly unrelated.

 

I was going to ask what nationality he was too, but I guess it's irrelevant. I do know some types (yes, Italian is one of them) can be shall we say, hot headed? But, this does seem to go deeper. Hot headedness would cause problems in the heat of passion, where he seems to just be all over the place.

 

It will get better for you if you end it completely. I know many people here advise ending it and NC etc often so they won't feel alone. To them, every marriage is a disaster and should be ended. In this case though, they seem to be right. Good luck!

 

Ken

[outthewindow]

3 am and I can't sleep... I'm so lonely I feel like I'm lost in a cave and no one knows where I am, or even cares.

 

And here I was thinking I was doing ok...

 

Damn this, and damn him!

[outthewindow]

Kenmore, I'm finding the eating thing difficult too right now. And cooking for one is awful! I think I'm going to make cupcakes tomorrow and share with my neighbors... That might get me in the mood to cook and / or eat... Hopefully...

 

And for the record, he's not Italian, or any of the other classically 'hot headed' or 'passionate' nationalities...

[outthewindow]

My STBX in laws came over today.

 

I really appreciate that they popped in to say hi and Merry Christmas but it was a bit strange...

 

No real mention of the break up, both them and I pretending it's all completely normal... So weird.

 

I started crying again when they left. My emotions are all over the place at the moment. My brain knows this is the best thing for me, this break up. But my heart... My heart just bleeds.

[kenmore]

Cooking for others isn't the same.

 

I cooked for my family yesterday and it was agony the entire time!

 

I don't really know why, but in my case, my wife loves going out to fancy restaurants and loves great food, so it was a matter of pride to me to be able to give that to her at home nightly. Even though others appreciate good food, somehow it doesn't trigger that pleasure in me.

 

I had a strange encounter with my wife's family too. I sent Merry Christmas emails to her siblings, and her brother wrote back saying he's sorry things didn't work out with her, but the entire family thinks she's a pain-in-the-ass bitch, and just put up with her.

 

It seemed odd to me that her brother is siding with me, and of course she is what he said often, but somehow that's what I need. Somehow, not having that is part of my emptiness...

 

Hugs to you outthewindow!!

[outthewindow]

I'm in agony.

 

I'm such a fool! And now I'm in agony.

 

I figured I was doing really well so far, so I decided to start sorting through old letters and photos and cards from out time together.

 

Big fat mistake.

 

I'm on the couch, curled in a ball, screaming in pain. My soul and my heart feel like they are being torn from me.

 

Help, oh please help

[kenmore]

Wow, you too?

 

I have kept every email we had exchanged and decided to look at them a few weeks ago...BIG mistake!

 

I just got finished writing her a letter telling her what she has meant to me from the first "lunch date" which was six hours long until now, but of course I won't send it!! I just felt I needed to get it out of me.

 

I guess we're both a couple of throwbacks today. There are / will be better days and worse days OTW. This one is going into the "worse" file.

 

What got me going today is this creeping thought that what she really wants from me is for me to end up in my old house (which has tenants in it currently) which is about a mile from hers, and for the two of us to perpetually "date" in the future, married or not. She even alluded to that Wed when I saw her.

 

That thought has triggered all of the feelings I felt when we were dating, which of course were wonderful, and so painful to remember now! I have been trying to see how I really feel about a situation like that, and all that has done is send me back down memory lane.

 

Sending warm hugs and healing vibes to you today, from a fellow sufferer!

 

Ken

Edited December 27, 2014 by kenmore
changed eluded to alluded...oops :-)

[EverySunset]

I went and bought myself a Christmas present... Seeing as this place is a rental and I'll be leaving in a few short months I wanted something that was mine, not ours, that I could take with me... So I bought myself some new sheets. Really pretty girly ones that he would've hated! Slept well for the first time since all of this has happened as a result. Yay me!

 

I did this too lol

 

After over a decade of boring, neutral sheets I bought pink pink satin sheets. My ex would have taken one look and refused to sleep there. However, when I mentioned them to the guy I am now dating he laughed and said well, I knew I wasn't sleeping with a guy to begin with!

 

I LOVE them.

 

Now get your liberated butt to a therapist. A support group, something girl. You're having a hard time and they can help.

[kenmore]

Sunset,

 

Funny you mentioned that, my wife has "pillows"

 

You know, the ones that are friggin useless, but must be stacked up "properly" against the headboard every day and be taken down and put aside every night!

 

I ended up being "in charge" of them while I was there. Ok, I must admit it did make the bed look better to the um...I don't know...cat?

 

Nobody really went into the bedroom unless it was an appraisal or she was showing anything off in there (nothing kinky lol)

 

Of course if we were going to have sex, they were just in the goddamn way!

 

Damn, I miss it now though! It is so stupid, but I miss it.

 

Good luck in your new relationship!! HUGS!!

 

Ken

[outthewindow]

Thank you Ken, sending you hugs too! Is perpetual dating what you want? Do you think she's just stringing you along?

 

My STBX has been doing that to me for the last 4 months or so... This time it's over and I'm sad, and devestated, and scared, but at least I can begin feeling the pain of this breakup and start healing. It sucks, big time but at least I know that there will be an end to this suffering, even if I can't see it right now I know it's there somewhere.

 

Sunset, I love my new sheets, and I'm glad I bought them. It makes me feel at least a little like this is my place now. Not so much ours. I have an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday. Being Christmas everyone including the therapist has been away.

 

Being in a non English speaking country English support groups are few and far between so I just have my therapist, and eventually when they come back, the few friends I've made here.

 

I feel a bit odd, like this divorce is moving super fast. I know that ending this marriage is the right thing to do, but I just feel it's all moving so fast. We have been separated, if you can call it that, for not even two weeks and I'll be starting the divorce process in January ... Fast. I feel like I'm losing my bearings. Once it's started its all done and dusted within a couple of months. But that's what he says he wants.... He wants it done. I don't even know why I'm the one starting the divorce process.

 

And I need to pack up my life here and organize for my stuff and myself to be flown to the other side of the world. How am I supposed to do that right now? I've managed 1/4 box of cards and photos before I broke down, and there's still so much to do... How do I do that when the pain is still so raw?