Struggling to accept it... how did you?

[Downtown]

I really don't think he's BPD, but I do think he's passive aggressive and that may well be a type of BPD, I really don't know.

OTW, yes, a small portion of BPDers are passive aggressive and, because they typically don't yell and scream, they are called "quiet BPDers" or "waif borderlines." They tend to punish their mates not by throwing temper tantrums but, rather, by icy withdrawal and snide, passive aggressive actions and remarks. Sheri Schreiber describes them at WAIFS and A.J. Mahari describes them at Quiet Borderlines.

[MsOptimist]

MsOptimist

 

That's just it, I'm already feeling better day to day not having him around wearing me down with his crap. I'm more sad about leaving the rest of my life here than I am about leaving him. I'm devastated that I have to leave my cats and my home and my friends... I'm sad about leaving him, but I'm not devastated about it... So strange!

 

I also loved being a wife... And I hate the idea of being a divorcee. I'm hoping that changes with time. At the end of the day they are just labels to hide behind... And I'm tired of hiding.

 

It's extremely sad leaving your old life and lifestyle behind. I cried for days when packing up my house and essentially erasing my existence from the house. When I moved to my new place everywhere I looked had some memory attached to it (I'm an extremely sentimental person). A sofa that we bought together, a shirt that he gave me, etc etc. Slowly those things weren't as painful and they became just "things." The overwhelming sadness that you're feeling now will lessen with time.

 

Some of us in disastrous marriages have grown used to experience love and happiness in a limited and conditional manner. And just like that family that relied on that aging cow for survival, we rely on our despondent significant others, and even go as far as holding on to them for dear life, when it's clear to everyone else we are better off.

 

This divorce is the end of the restriction that was placed on your happiness. What you will make of your life from this point on, will bring you greater joy than anything you've done before. The cow is dead, it's time to start your new adventure

 

Anything you do with your life from now on, is better than what he was putting you through at the end.

 

^^^THIS^^^ This hits everything on the head. I, too, was used to getting and expecting less than I deserved in my marriage. I significantly lowered the bar to accommodate uncaring and emotionless ways.

 

My eyes really started to open when I realized just how much more I can get out of life and out of a relationship when I'm in a healthier place. It still makes me sad that I wasted so much time with someone like my exH, but I've accepted it as part of my story and I wouldn't be where I am today without going through the marriage and the fallout.

[kenmore]

I was rejected. discarded. I was at one point told that suicide was more appealing than being with me the rest of their life. I was brought down back to square 1. A lifetime of teasing, bullying which were dealt with by becoming a shy an introvert lonely person was apparently overcome when she came into my life. The only person I have kissed and loved ultimately told me "no wonder you were teased and bullied, I can understand THEM".

 

Wow, I'm so sorry! They can say the worst things during a divorce! I doubt she actually felt this way, she wanted to hurt you and you unfortunately gave her the ammo.

 

I have heard hurtful things too. Things my wife has said just because they hurt me. In fact, I have come to know that she will use some tool to hurt me whenever she can. She's running out of tools. She used changing the locks for one, obviously filing for divorce for another. Asking me to file my response. Asking for my disclosures. Telling me she wasn't sure she wanted a divorce just to get me to move on with those! Now that they're filed, she suddenly "can't remember saying that."

 

I realize I just gave her one more piece of ammo: My things are in her house still because she "graciously" told me I can leave them there until I have my own place to live. Friday she blew up on me for sending her an anniversary card and I blew up at her and told her I'll be getting a storage unit and get my things out of her house. Soon to be showing: When are you getting your things out?

 

Very soon, she will not have anything to hurt me with anymore. The reverse will be true since she can't leave me alone. Not that it compares, but my wife told me she was "happier alone", said "she never wanted to be married" and while we were "happily married (lol)" said that I "tricked her" into getting married by saying if she didn't, I would have left her (which was true.) Okay, I finally get it...she never wanted marriage.

 

Sorry Ralph, it is hurtful. I'm glad to see you turned out to be a well adjusted man!

 

Ken

[kenmore]

OTW, yes, a small portion of BPDers are passive aggressive and, because they typically don't yell and scream, they are called "quiet BPDers" or "waif borderlines." They tend to punish their mates not by throwing temper tantrums but, rather, by icy withdrawal and snide, passive aggressive actions and remarks. Sheri Schreiber describes them at WAIFS and A.J. Mahari describes them at Quiet Borderlines.

 

Thanks Downtown, I think these describe my wife very well! She's never loud (while arguing), but was very passive aggressive! I'll check them out in detail soon!

[kenmore]

OTW, what you post echoes my thoughts, except we are in different places emotionally. I constantly find things to remind me of fun things I thought we enjoyed together like vacations, walks, picnics etc. Now I wonder if they meant anything to her. She seems happier without me, and we had what I considered a good relationship. We only fought when she was unhappy with my lack of work. Neither of us cheated, there was no violence and I really thought we all (my step daugher included, my bio daughter lives away) loved each other so much! Learning to live without that and having the constant memory triggers sucks! Realizing they meant nothing to her and she would have actually been happier if I wasn't there is even worse! That's what she wants me to believe now.

 

Also, missing my step daughter and amazingly my step mother whom I learned to love much as well...and the cat! When I met my wife, she had an evil cat! This was a beautiful cat who would scratch or bite anyone who tried to love it (I see now it was just like my wife, I just never knew it.) This cat got killed a few years ago and we went and picked up a new kitten from the humane society. A very cute kitten and now cat, but so incredibly loveable! She just loves to be held, petted and will come up to you and just roll on your feet. I used to call her "the best cat ever!" I truly believe that! I still remember in the first week we had her she was sick and so tiny. She came to me and just lied down on my arm and slept. It was so precious!

 

Now, on the rare day I visit, this cat whom I lived with and loved for years doesn't even recognize me anymore. I now know cat's just don't. I think dogs do, and that may be a distinction, but you can imagine how painful that is! So neither the cat nor my wife gives a flying crap about me anymore!

 

Similarly, I remember when I was first dating my wife, her daughter (my future step) came and sat beside me while I was on the couch watching TV, and just put her pretty head on my shoulder. She was 10. I knew then how much love was in her!

 

All of these things are what hurt so much more than just missing my wife. It is a damned package of hurt! While not a day goes by without pain, I am able to focus my attention away from it most of the time and there will come a day when it won't hurt much anymore, but when my first wife died, all of the others were still in my life. While I must say having a wife die who loved me as I loved her was much worse, losing all of these other beings makes this horrible in its own way!

 

I hope you are holding up well and if you need someone to talk to, you know you can talk to me! Hugs! xo

 

Ken

[outthewindow]

Ralf the cow story is brilliant! I think I've read it more than twice a day since you posted. THANK YOU!

 

The days before Dday are into single digits now and the closer it gets the harder it is for me... I know damn well I don't want the marriage but also don't want this bloody divorce! Why am I so confused?!

 

I'm really struggling now. Really, really struggling. Getting out of bed and functioning seems like an impossible quest. I'm not sure I can do this.

[outthewindow]

Oh dear less than two days to Dday and I'm a bit lost...

[Downtown]

OTW, wishing you the best on Divorce Day! My experience was that it was such a great relief to have it behind me. Perhaps it will be the same for you.

[kenmore]

So, OTW, how are you holding up???

[outthewindow]

It's done, I'm officially divorced!

 

And you know what, I have no idea what I was so scared of. The procedure here was so quick and painless, I guess because we agreed on everything beforehand, that within 15 mins it was done.

 

No drama, no tears, no anything... Completely business like.

 

It was harder yesterday when I had to go cancel my residency permit... I was on the verge of tears doing that... Today was a breeze compared to that.

 

I'm sure it will catch up with me at some stage, but today was thankfully ok.

 

One step closer to my new life!

[kenmore]

I'm so happy at your acceptance! I hope it sustains!

 

Ken

[outthewindow]

Thanks Ken,

 

I think acceptance started for me only a week or two ago... And it came along very, very slowly!

 

X was being horrid leading up to Dday, for no reason other than his trying to control me some more ... And one day, completely out of the blue, I woke up and though "that's enough!"

 

He didn't want to work on our marriage, he didn't want to compromise or be supportive or improve our communication. This divorce was happening because of him. Yes, I'm to blame for my part in our marriage turning to ****e but even at the end I was willing to do what it took to fix it, he wasn't.

 

I have had enough of his push pull type behavior, enough of being to blame for everything, enough of being 'on call' for him because he makes plans then cancels them at the last minute leaving me hanging... Enough of the aggression in his voice when I stand up for myself... Enough of all of it!

 

That's the day I made a conscious choice to detach from him and not put up with his crap anymore. I chose not to be his wife anymore, or his best friend, or his support. I chose not to run my life at his convenience.

 

I didn't announce any of this to him. I wasn't nasty or aggressive with him at any point but, for instance, when he texted to cancel taking my moving boxes to the post for the 3rd time... Which I was doing to save him money by not hiring a moving company... So I told him I was sick of waiting for him to 'feel' like doing it and I wasn't canceling my plans later in the week to suit him and not to worry about it I would call the moving company, they would take care of it and send him the bill. I said this all nicely and calmly because, quite frankly, I just stopped caring about saving him money and being nice.... Needless to say he 'found' time and my stuff was taken to the post. This is just one of many examples of small ways I started taking my power back and detaching from him.

 

By the time Dday rolled around, I was sad about our marriage ending, I didn't want to be a divorcee, but I also didn't want to be tried to him any longer. It's for this reason that I settled for a lump sum payment and not alimony - I don't want to be tied to him in any way, anymore.

 

I'm devastated about ending my life here and having to start again about 10000 miles away, but Im not devastated that the relationship is over.

 

I'm sure that I'll have moments of sadness, when I think back to what used to be. But for now, I'm focusing on what I need to get done to restart my life. I'm focusing on spending time with my friends here while I still can, and giving my cats extra cuddles... And I'm ok. Not always, not 100%, but I'm ok and it's getting better... I just hope this keeps up without too many backward slides.

 

And more than anything, I wish that for you too!

 

Hugs

OTW

[kenmore]

Wow OutTheWindow, that last sentence made my day!!!

 

While I'm sure it is not "more than anything", it's so nice to think someone feels something for me, and I know several people here have said nice things like that to me before. It's just so nice reading it! Thank you!

 

One of the reasons I wanted to PM you was to talk about location. While I know it really is academic, I am just so curious to know where you are and where you are going! Just a couple countries will do!

 

Guessing from your terms, either Australia, England, India, Southern Africa or some other English historical area, but that's a detail and is not relevant, sorry, just my curiosity...that would be your origin and where you are heading back to.

 

Getting to the meat of your post, I feel so much about how you didn't feel the love from him. Same; all I ever wanted with my wife was to work it out. To just talk, work on accepting our problems, try fixing them, go to counseling, make it work. All she decided to do was just say bye. No way to work it, just bye. While I accepted her statement that the root of the issue was that she lost respect for me and I can accept that, there is no way to work on getting that back? She did respect me in so many ways. She never doubted my IQ (her words), I can fix anything (her words) I was great in bed (also her words), I was damned good looking (yep, her words), I am an awesome cook (her words), so she can't work on losing respect for me because I could not find good employment? Ok, accepted it now.

 

So, I accepted it. I accepted it on Feb 20 2015 at 10:30am when she texted me how all of the hope she had given me was a lie, she never wants to be with me again, and to please get my things out of her house. That was three days before our anniversary, and it was my D-day! (later she said I may leave my things there because she wants to help me, and while I need that now, I wish I didn't.)

 

For you it was slow. For me it was almost instantaneous! I consider that a blessing. I'm sorry for the agonizing slowness of your acceptance because I feel it does not have the impact that a fast one does. The fast acceptance means f*uck, that's it! It's done! The slow one always means it's done, but.....maybe....

 

For you, hopefully the maybes are over. the buts are in the past, and you can really get free. Once you are back in Australia (?) LOL freedom will be yours, because you know you will NEVER move back for more abuse. It's one thing living with abuse no matter the form, but moving back? I don't think so!

 

That's one place my wife kept teasing me. She kept saying things like "call me in five years" or "call me when you are making $40,000" or whatever. I grew to learn that was what she wanted! I called her on it and she never denied it nor responded in any way, but that is what she wants. I told her no! Once we are done, there is no gong back! I was thinking about that today, and realized I did "force her into marrying me" as she says. I gave her an ultimatum. Marry me or I look for someone else. It's true. I did not hold a gun to her head, she made a choice, but yes I did force her. You know what? I am forcing her now. If she wants any hope with me, she must work on our marriage now. there is no calling back. No five years, $40,000 or anything. Now or never!

 

We have our standards. I'm so glad you stood by yours and I know you will find peace because of that! Same with me! We can carry out our displays of affection right here. Hugs and kisses to you and I wish you the best in your move and your new (old) life, and trust me, I'm living that Hell now too!!!

 

Ken

[outthewindow]

I'm losing it... I really am his time. It's two weeks till I leave here for good and I feel like I'm being crushed by the situation.

 

On one hand I'm excited to be going home to my family and friends there, and starting again and living my life in the way I chose... On the other hand I'm absolutely crushed at the thought of leaving my home here... My friends... My cats... Packing up me life into boxes is awful! It's actually harder than the actual divorce part.

 

Even now that everything is done and dusted with my ex I still reach for the phone to call him and tell him about my day before I realize that I can't anymore. And the even stupider thing about that is that I know I don't want a future with him, yet I miss that companionship and closeness so much it crushes me sometimes.

 

I know I'm being unrealistic. It's been 3 and a half months since he moved out for good and a week and a bit since the D was finalized so I can't expect to be 'over' it all yet. It's all so fast that somehow I'm grateful it's all done, but somehow I'm also struggling to process it all.

 

It's over, I've accepted that. I just wish the pain would stop.

 

When does the damn pain stop?

[Jclements00]

I'm living with my wife and she told me a month ago she wanted to separate. I'm waiting on income taxes to come in 3-4 weeks then I can afford to move out. Long story short my wife's attitude when drinking 4-6 nights a week was horrible even destructive and it pushed me away from her that when she begged for attention I didn't wanna be around her when she drank. She hadnt worked for 3 years but recently got a job and decided she could support herself and her 3 kids which are hers not mine. She got tired of begging for attention to where she was done with the marriage and just wants it over no trying to work it out nothing I can do to salvage it. At first it was really hard on me as I begged and tried to be great to her but nothing helped. Then it just got easier to say I don't need to be depressed over someone who cares less about me and is being happy while I'm not. Plus she started hanging out with an old friend a girl who I have seen texts about them being sort of a lesbian couple which my wife was lesbian at some points years ago.

 

All of that really just hit home to me that it isn't worth putting yourself and your health in jeopardy because someone else doesn't want you. You deserve better than what's given and you have to believe that moving on away from all the drama and heartache of a marriage will make you a happier person in the end. I hate to leave my wife but it's her decision and it will hurt the last day I am here moving my stuff out. But I get to have more money not having to support her and her kids. I get to live my own life without any drama or arguing in it. She hasn't given me hardly any affection in the last 2 years and we've only been married close to 3 years. I have to be freaking superman for her to even consider sex and that isn't good for any relationship. Look at the reasons why you're getting a divorce, remember the bad times and think how good it will be when that stress is gone. You are worth being happy and to be given happiness. Yes it takes time but soon enough it will all be clear it was worth it.

[kenmore]

Well, I did not see bad times. I guess she did, but I felt all of the times were good, or just OK. Life as usual was just ok, it's life as usual. Special times like vacations, sex, birthdays, anniversaries etc were always great! The only bad times were since she kicked me out.

 

OTW, you are just going through a difficult emotional stage. Wow, you broke up only three and a half months ago? I'm coming up on nine soon! We are still not divorced, but it took me a good eight before the shoe dropped that I needed. I know you have been going in and out as have most of us. Some days or minutes are good, others suck!

 

To answer your question, it won't ever stop, but it will diminish to the point that it no longer hurts. That will be in 43 days, five hours and twelve minutes, but I can't be really precise.

 

Hug your kitties! I miss our kitty! The "best cat ever" or so I named her. The only cat who I ever had who really loves people, wants to be petted, loves to curl up in a lap or on a shoulder, and only flaw was she talked too much. That's an easy flaw to overlook compared to a dog! Woof Woof!!! Thanks anyway! The best cat ever no longer knows me nor cares...much like ex.

 

But, her daughter still loves me! I texted her a week ago and told her I love her, and told her if it hurts too much for me to contact her I'll stop, and her reply was she loves it! I love it too! All things being equal, I have a second daughter to love who loves me! That makes all the pain worth it.

 

Okay, I got off topic. Sorry you are going through your pain now. HUGS! (yep, there it is lol) you know I care so much about you! I hope you can find the strength to look forward to your new beginning and embrace it! Like every aspect of this crap, there will be times of strength, weakness, triumph, joy and despair, but keep in mind we are here to be with you though those and more! I will be doing the packing and moving thing soon (still have not, meaning she is still enjoying my things and I'm still missing them!) I will feel the pain soon. Fortunately, I have realized that the sooner I move my things, the better for me, so I'm really looking forward to it! I wish you luck! Please wish it for me too!

 

XO

 

Ken

[outthewindow]

Thanks Jc,

I am glad it's over. I'm happy that I'm not married to him anymore and don't have to put up with his ... Anything... Anymore.

 

I may come across as heartless and evil, but I was married to him for almost 9 years, the beginning was great, but the last 2-3 years were awful. After that much awful, letting go isn't as hard. And I believe that for me this was the right time to let him go. Even a year ago I couldn't have walked away without the certainty I have now that it's for the best. I know this is the right thing for me.

 

What hurts isn't that he and I are over... It hurts to leave the life I've worked so damn hard to build here!

 

I'm not even angry with him anymore, what's done is done. He was awful to me, I let him do it, I was hurt, and angry and resentful and then I was done. Now I'm sometimes sad for what could've been, and I'm hurt because ending my marriage also means ending my life here and leaving everyone and everything I love behind simply because my marriage fell apart. That part hurts.

 

I wish you well Jc, it does get easier... Not easy, but easier.

[outthewindow]

Ken,

 

You made me laugh, thank you! I'm counting down the days and I expect to be fully recovered in about 39 days! Lol

 

The roller coaster of emotions is awful. It really is, it's almost like my emotions have developed a split personality ? one minute I'm completely fine and the next I'm on the sofa bawling my eyes out... And even worse, I don't even know why I'm crying half the time! It's getting embarrassing! Lucky there's only the cats here to witness it.

 

I am having a rough time at the moment. I've dropped into a bit of depression with my move looming (if you really want to know logistics then pm me it's working now) the reality of how much my life is about to change is starting to hit me and I'm struggling to find the motivation to do what needs to be done before I leave here for good.

 

I'm just so damn sad... And a little pissed because it's my life that's being turned upside down again, not his, and I find that really unfair! If I hold any resentment still, it's that. He gets to continue to cruise along with his life with only me removed, while I have to start again from nada... No home, no job, no cats etc etc etc aaarrrrhggg

 

Rant over

Hugs as always,

OTW

[kenmore]

Ken,

 

You made me laugh, thank you! I'm counting down the days and I expect to be fully recovered in about 39 days! Lol

 

The roller coaster of emotions is awful. It really is, it's almost like my emotions have developed a split personality ? one minute I'm completely fine and the next I'm on the sofa bawling my eyes out... And even worse, I don't even know why I'm crying half the time! It's getting embarrassing! Lucky there's only the cats here to witness it.

 

I am having a rough time at the moment. I've dropped into a bit of depression with my move looming (if you really want to know logistics then pm me it's working now) the reality of how much my life is about to change is starting to hit me and I'm struggling to find the motivation to do what needs to be done before I leave here for good.

 

I'm just so damn sad... And a little pissed because it's my life that's being turned upside down again, not his, and I find that really unfair! If I hold any resentment still, it's that. He gets to continue to cruise along with his life with only me removed, while I have to start again from nada... No home, no job, no cats etc etc etc aaarrrrhggg

 

Rant over

Hugs as always,

OTW

 

Hugs OTW!!

[DSP]

How did I accept this...?

 

I honestly think I've just reached this point. Still not too sure.

 

Last weekend I went out for a drink. It ended in disaster and even though I kept NC and kept to myself I went into a very deep depression. During that valley I had to have a face to face conversation with my ex about our children.

 

During the time we were speaking I evaded many attempts to bait me into arguments. Attempts to get me to take the blame. I listened to untrue allegations that supported her reasoning for leaving. I had to forcefully steer the conversation back to the 3 subjects I stated I wanted to cover in the beginning more than once. I listened to lie after lie told to me knowing I had indisputable evidence to the contrary. She threw our eldest under the bus about something. She smiled slyly about a past event that was harmful to all of us. It was just sad to watch it unfold she honestly doesn't know how to have a normal conversation with me anymore. I had enough. I wasn't angry I was just... I don't know; Indifferent? Confused?

 

The woman I loved has either died or was never there to begin with and I was too blind to see it or accepted her as she was. I now know that I'm a different person and there is no way I could deflect that amount of BS for the rest of my life. Everyone has their limit and I reached it.

 

I've spoken to my children more than once about the OM and how I'm OK with them liking him and it's OK to talk about him with Daddy. Making the effort and taking that step healed a couple of little hearts. It cleared up confusion with my little ones and It helped me deal with it as well.

 

The OM she is having a relationship with is never really around. He was over one time, but never came out to see me and I didn't make the attempt to reach out. He is the last hurdle for me. I still get a bit of anxiety thinking about picking up my children and him being there. Once I see him and he acknowledges me I think I will be done.

 

This has been a horrendous destructive journey. I wouldn't have wished it on anyone ever. A small part of me is thankful I went through it. A very small part.

[kenmore]

DSP, yep! Same, but with some differences. We don't have any kids together (thank God), but "The woman I loved has either died or was never there to begin with and I was too blind to see it or accepted her as she was. I now know that I'm a different person and there is no way I could deflect that amount of BS for the rest of my life. Everyone has their limit and I reached it." chimes perfectly with how I have been feeling! I wonder what happened to the woman I fell in love with and asked to marry me! This woman is just not the same and I consider the original dead. That's not just a way of coping, it's how I truly feel. It's like aliens switched her (and we did visit area 51 a couple of years ago...)

 

Kidding aside, I feel your pain. If I were you, and I totally understand the future awkwardness of meeting new OM, Don't reach out to him; that's not on you. It's on them, and if they don't do it, then it will be awkward; but you can make it quick! Handshake, "nice to meet you" bye! Take the kids on your weekend, drop them off, whatever you are doing, no convo. You don't need to make friends with this dude.

 

Just maintain dignity and be cool. Let them make fools of themselves.

 

Ken

[outthewindow]

Just wanted to give a quick update if anyone is reading this.

 

I've landed in my home country tonight... About 3 hours ago. All I feel is numb at this point, but that may just be jet lag.... If so, thank the stars for jet lag!

 

Funnily enough the ex has been texting how much he loves and misses me since I left for the airport... And even now that I'm 10000 odd miles away, he's texting the same thing... WTF? He's just jerking my chain right? Or is it that it's finally hit him that I really am gone? Idk, and I'm too tired to think it through too much right now.

 

DSP

I think affairs really do put people into fogs... They suddenly have selective memory loss and rewrite history to suit them. I'm sure our partners were wonderful when we married them, but people and relationships change. Take everything she says with a grain of salt right now. Even in her fog, she's hurting and she's lashing out at you because of that. Not that I had an affair, but I'm certainly guilty of lashing out at my ex during this whole awful process... And I'm sure I will do it again. Not because I'm evil or nasty, but because sometimes, I just can't help it. And he knows which buttons to push for sure!

 

I haven't done NC yet as it's just been impractical for me while I was in his home country still... Unfortunately for me, I still needed his help to tie up loose ends and even more unfortunate for me is that there are still a couple of them left to tie up. I'm going to do my best at NC other than those things, so wish me luck!

 

I applaud you for your NC though, and wish you all the very best.

 

While I wouldn't wish this on anyone, ever, I know that it will make those of us that walked through this fire stronger and better...

 

Hugs OTW

[kenmore]

Funnily enough the ex has been texting how much he loves and misses me since I left for the airport... And even now that I'm 10000 odd miles away, he's texting the same thing... WTF? He's just jerking my chain right? Or is it that it's finally hit him that I really am gone?

 

Yep, it finally hit him.

 

I can see in my wife that as time goes by and the end gets closer and closer, her attitude is changing. Part of that is probably my complete acceptance that it's over as far as she knows. I stopped trying to talk sense into her a month and a half ago, and any time we speak (we just had a convo about me moving my things out next week), make sure I never say anything to indicate that I'm not completely convinced that it's over (basically, that's how I feel, but you know...still hoping for that happy ending.)

 

Now she's trying to talk me out of moving my things. It's in the guise of "why take on an expense you don't need to, I'll take care of your things". That's a pretty far cry from last month when she was asking when I'd be moving it out because it makes her sad to see it.

 

People are weird OTW, and when they feel they have the upper hand, it makes them tough as nails. When they perceive that the tide is turning, suddenly they miss us and love us. Sorry, too late! They had their chance.

 

Congratulations on your move back "home"!

 

Love Ken

[lostnats]

Hi,

 

I am new hear and am currently going through a separation which will probably lead to a divorce.

 

I can completely understand how you feel, My husband(soon-to-be-ex) has been all over the place. He says he loves me and wants us to work it out but then he will do things which just proves otherwise.

 

We have separated on two other occasions and on one of those occasions I really went down hill, to the point I was having panic attacks, not eating and cutting myself. In the end I went to hospital and spoke to a therapist, this helped me so much and made me realise that the most important thing was in fact me. When I left the therapist I said to myself that I will never feel the way i felt and I will never let someone make me feel bad in any shape of form. Funnily enough When I spoken to my husband and said we are over and I deserve better, he came running back and he had a great 7 years together. We had a son who is now 2 yr 4 mnts. But recently it has all been going downhill again, I wont go into detail as it will take too long.

 

But the moment he moved out I felt free, and reminded myself that I deserve better and I will never feel as bad as i did the last time.

 

I will be quite honest and blunt so please do excuse me, but the way I am staying strong now is by looking in the mirror every day and saying I am woman who was built to carry the heaviest of burdens. This is a burden I need to carry until I am ready to stop carrying it anymore, I remind myself that Actually the only thing that is important to me is my son and myself. As long as he and I are alive, breathing and have a roof over our heads then actually I am doing ok.

 

It is hard to tell yourself this and at the beginning you think you are just lying to yourself but it's not a lie, it is 100% true that you deserve better than anything anyone can give you. I would also say cut yourself some slack as I know you love him, you just need to learn to love yourself again.

 

Whenever I am feeling down about my separation I write all the faults of my husband down, along with the timeline of all the bad things he has done to me. I then right 4 questions:

1) Can I ever trust him to not do this again?

2) Can I see a forever future in happiness with him?

3) do I deserve to stay like this?

4) The most important ..... Will he ever change?

 

Until those answers are all yes, you know what you have to do.

 

Good luck and I am here for you.

 

Natalie. x

[kenmore]

Hi Natalie,

 

I'm glad to hear that you are more able to process this than that earlier time. You do seem very strong.

 

I have felt strong, acted strong but found myself weak when it came time to confront my feelings alone. Outwardly I have it together. Inwardly, not so much. Just recently the flood gates of communication opened again when I told my wife I'm moving my things out. We're set to be divorced in June sometime I think. She keeps trying to get me to "have some sense" and not incur another expense I can't afford. Well, sure she's right, nobody should incur expenses they can't afford, but what am I supposed to do? Leave all of my things in her house even after we're divorced?

 

It's not that I can't trust her, I think I could, but it just doesn't seem right.

 

Anyway, I couldn't help but test the waters one more time today. All of our communication of late has been texting, so brief. She sent me a couple of emails about insurance rates and this, so I decided to tell her that "I say some of the things I do" and "need to move my things" as coping mechanisms. I gave her one last opening, not by asking her to stay married, but rather I said I think the divorce is a mistake, but I know she wants to see it through, therefore I need to get my things out for my own feelings. It didn't give her the upper hand, but it did give her an opening to talk if she wanted...she didn't.

 

No matter, nothing changed. While I do feel she's genuinely concerned for my financial future (which doesn't involve her since we're legally separated and will be divorced soon), I'd rather incur that expense than have a lingering reason to interact with her. I just want this chapter to end so I can move on to the next.

 

Anyway, sorry to have rambled on so long and welcome! I hope you post more, your presence is nice.

 

Ken