His past is haunting me

[jademoons]

My bf is 29 and I am 21. We have been together a little over 6 months and have recently moved in together. I am having a lot of trouble lately swallowing the realities of this man's past relationships and sexual conquests, despite the fact that he's always been honest with me since day one about his past and what he's done--it's only recently started sinking in what has actually happened in this man's life, particularly in the last year (before we got together). He had a woman who he dated for two years who ended up dumping him because her family didn't like the fact that he's a musician, with dreams of making it a career. He told me that he had been readying himself to propose to her and that their relationship was everything he wanted in a partner, so the breakup came especially hard. That was early last year.

 

Since their breakup, it almost seems like he went off the deep end, which he has admitted. Before that girl dumped him, he told me he never used to sleep around much and was essentially a serial monogamist but that following their break up, he lost himself and his faith in true love for a while. I don't really know what or who all he did last year, but I know that this year he had at least 5 partners before me, and all of them were sexual flings except for one which was a brief relationship that ended in the girl cheating on him with his best friend and killing herself a month or so after (so awful, he blames himself heavily for this). Even worse, she killed herself during the first week of he and I seeing eachother, and he and I ended up having a fight that week as well and "broke up" before we became official and spent a solid week apart in which I went on a few dates and he ****ed some girl from one of his shows--this girl still hangs around at his shows, flirting with nearly every guy, and has also briefly dated someone in his social circle since then.

 

It wouldn't be so hard to swallow everything except that he is a lead singer in a fairly popular local rock band and that every single one of those girls he had sexual flings with are still around, ironically dating friends around him or being slutty with people at his shows (two of them dated other people in his band and they both are known to cheat). They clearly dislike me because I'm dating him, since I see them fairly often and can read their vibes and body language. I feel a lot of jealousy and insecurity about their presence because I know that he could have any one of them if he was tempted or if we broke up/were going through a tough time. I check his phone secretly from time to time but have never found anything I could consider suspicious besides some brief phone calls to a few of his chick friends. He swears he has never cheated on a single partner in his life, this I believe, but with all of this promiscuity and pain in his very recent past, it makes me worry that he misses his single alpha dog life among his friends. I'm certain that a lot of the meaning with all of that boiled down to his ego--his beloved dumped him and he felt the need to validate himself by proving he could attract nearly every pretty woman in his vacinity. Still, it mystifies me why a lead singer in a rock band would want to settle down with a young woman rather than having all of the young women, like he was doing before.

 

This man and I are very alike in a lot of ways, and have a deep connection, he discusses marriage occasionally and he's the one who wanted me to move in with him, otherwise, I probably never would've dated someone with so much baggage and such a wild past-time/passion as being the lead guy in a rock band. He is very sentimental and spiritual, very adventurous and fun, but as I say, his past is scaring me the more that I see of it over time. What can I do to overcome this? How can I shake the nearly constant feeling that he's cheated or will cheat? I have spoken to him about all of this before and we have long talks about it but it still nags at me. Nearly all of the songs in his band's set are about his ex who hurt him so badly. I truly love this man, I think we could even be soul mates or twin souls, or I would never allow myself to get so stressed over someone who made so many impulsive choices regarding intimacy and has had so much drama going on. I've had my share of relationships and flings, but never so many back to back like that.

[RemainUnchanged]

is this man the only man in your village?

[jademoons]

What exactly is your sarcastic, unhelpful comment supposed to mean? That I should go find another man in my "village" or that he's been with a lot of women? I am on here asking for advice because I am in love with him, otherwise I wouldn't bother.

[RemainUnchanged]

I would suggest you go find another man yes.. I remember when I was 21.. everything seemed like it mattered.

 

 

sounds like this guy has a lot of stuff to deal with, and you two are still very much in the honeymoon stage where everything is candy and rainbows.

 

 

 

but it's none of my business.

[lolablue17]

You (every human being) should know your limitations. You can't wrap your self with 100% certainty about anyone. Do you know how many cheating stories i'm familiar with?

 

I can tell you that men and women cheat for a many reasons in many situations, and sometimes the most shy introverted people can be the biggest cheaters. You just don't know, you can't predict the future.

 

If you believe him when he says he hasn't cheated, it is a very good sign. Because if he wasn't cheating despite of all the opportunities he had to cheat, it says that he is loyal and faithfull in his heart. Is it a guaranty he will never cheat on you? No!

 

It seems that you don't understand why did he choose you against all other girls fans? Start appreciating yourself and raise your self esteem. He probably loves you very much. It's good, why are you digging to search for the bad even it's not exist?

 

*** Proper disclosure - I'm a musician and in the past i used to be an actor and a dancer. I got tons of notes with phone numbers from girls after shows or even when i was walking in the street. I had a girlfriend then... who had became my current wife. I never cheated!!!

Edited December 21, 2014 by lolablue17

[Noproblem]

Guys in music bands will most of the time cheat because girls are around them hitting and trying too hard to get in bed with them 24 hours.

 

Actually many artists are like this,

 

but if he truly loves you he wouldn't cheat

 

and really it was too fast of you to move in with him..

 

 

You made it too easy for him..

 

He will take you for granted now...

 

He won't try hard to please you and give you a nice date, a nice gift

 

You live with him and the best part he doesn't have to put a ring on it!

[evanescentworld]

If your brain was fully formed, I would say you're a prissy, ungrateful little know-all.

But as it isn't, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and put it down to youthful arrogance, and a sense that "Your situation is different."

It's a shame because if you actually evaluated everything said to you, and realised it has some value, took everything on board and realised you're NOT unique (in fact, I would say given the brief time-lapse, you're probably the rebound) then you may in fact learn a great deal.

Pay attention.

These people know things, have been there and you really should lay aside your hostility and trust them to know what they're talking about.

[jademoons]

@evanescentworld -- perhaps I would take them more seriously if the naysayers provided much of anything in the way of explanation for their negativity but they don't. Furthermore, what do YOU know about these people? What do you know that they have experienced? If I wasn't unique, then why would he chase me so hard, want a relationship so bad, etc? He could have ****ed me for a month or two and then moved on to the next "rebound" but he did not.

 

If I thought your brain was fully formed, I might say you're a bitter ******* who probably spends more time talking crap to young people online than actually helping anyone with their questions. This thread wasn't put here for you to put me down, so either dish out some of that golden "experience" you have that makes you so wise or get the hell out of my thread.

[evanescentworld]

Now you see, there's the difference.

You think insults make you sound big, clever and entitled, but unfortunately, they don't. They show your immaturity and your inability to take what's relevant, and accept what isn't in any case.

It's not "Your" thread.

It's a thread made public, for public comment and contribution.

It will not be deleted, or taken down at request, because that doesn't happen here. So sadly, you cannot prevent those wishing to comment, from commenting.

 

Take a chill-pill. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Bashing head-on against every bit of stuff that doesn't sit well with you will give you the poor reputation of being a bull in a china shop.

 

Your BF is nearly a decade older than you are.

He's been round the block a few times and was ready to make a commitment to someone, and when that went through, he used promiscuous sex as an escape.

Furthermore, he belongs to a world which has generally produced some brilliant people with very broken lives.

Naturally, you feel insecure about this, so the bottom line in my opinion, would be that you move out, but still be his GF.

Moving in with him and living in such proximity, enables a situation to arise where he may well begin taking your presence and attention for granted.

If you instead move out, this will I think, eventually reveal just how strong this liaison is, and whether it can survive the dangers common within the kinds of circles he will move in, and will confirm to you just how resilient and determined he is to make this work with you, in spite of your fears and insecure feelings about both his history and circumstances.

You need to ask yourself whether this is really worth your time, input and effort.

How much is he willing to commit - and how much are you willing to take on the chin?

[lolablue17]

@lolablue17 -- I really appreciated your input that you were a man in a similar situation as my guy. What stopped your ego from flaring everytime you got bombarded with sexual prospects and offers? What made you love your girlfriend more than the thrill of what your life could offer in the way of meeting "better" women? I know love is important but I also know it's not everything. For instance, I have read that Clark Gable, before he became famous, paved some of his way in the film industry by bedding important or influential women. Did it ever worry you that being single might have pushed you further in your niche?

 

It's complicated. When i was in my 20th, I did think that love was everything. And also i thought that i should never lie. And i was a man of "one woman". Temptations are always exist.

 

But i kept saying no! I remember one fan managed to get into my hotel room after a show, and waited for me naked in my bed. i talked to her, patted her on the back, and then asked her to leave.

 

Why did i ask her to leave? not because she wasn't attractive and not because i didn't want to go to bed with her, But i had a girlfriend which i loved deeply, So why ruin it? I got my ego boost , but i didn't want to become a liar and a cheater.

 

You make it sound like all of us are just animals who cannot control our self if we just happen to see a pu$$y around and available. But some of us are actually human beings with boundaries and some self control. Yes i wanted sex but i also wanted other things much more important than casual sex.

Edited December 21, 2014 by lolablue17