Stuck, miserable- but too scared to leave

[Stuck75]

I need help, advice, maybe just to vent.

 

Such a long story but I'll try to sum it up. My husband and I have been married for 17 long years and we have 3 children (16, 12, 9). The past 7 years have been absolutely challenging and dismal in so many ways. Prior to that, things were (somewhat) good- at least I felt like we were on the right track. After having our 3rd child, I quit working & stayed home with them for a little while. Then, all hell broke loose. It started (mostly) with our finances. This in itself is a long story but basically- he failed (failed business, tax problems, lawsuits, foreclosure- it was BAD). I think he actually had some sort of break down or something during the height of all of this. The many mistakes that were made are one thing, but the biggest issue was the lying and covering that went on during this period (to me, his parents, everyone)- sometimes to the point where I thought he had literally lost his mind (even drove him for emergency mental health once). He almost went to jail over a bounced check (which he lied and lied to my face multiple times about being fixed). Anyway, needless to say these issues do not resolve quickly and our lives were just broken and difficult for many years. On and off, I had considered divorcing him- so many times. But honestly, we were too broke (financially and otherwise) to even support one household- let alone 2 and we were literally stuck together.

 

All of the above happened and then over the course of a few years, we tried to rebuild our lives. I got a job and then went to grad school because I was thinking, I need to be able to have a career that will support myself and 3 kids on my own (at this point, my husband was struggling to do so and I had absolutely had it with all the lying). He had a couple of jobs (which didn't work out) and was unemployed off and on. He has now (thank God) been gainfully employed for about a year with a company that seems to be a good fit for him. He has even been promoted.

 

Fast forward to today, he seems to be doing well at work (big promotion, big raise, etc). I have finished grad school (took 4 years- longer than I had planned), however I had to quit my job toward the end in order to do so (career change) but I will be going back soon. So, financially we are okay (not great- still a lot of messes to clean up) and will be better once I return to work.

 

My problems with him today- I have tried to forgive him for all of the lying and have even tried to understand it (embarrassment, pride, guilt) but I don't really feel like he has stepped up to fix things either (example- tax issue still not resolved and he gets angry if I even bring it up) and that would go a very long way in repairing broken trust. I don't feel secure and I don't trust him. But also, I just don't think we are compatible anymore. I don't know how to make him happy. We cannot communicate and it seems he is fine with that (as long as I'm not bringing it up). Bottom line is- we were 18 years old when we met. We've been through too much and we're just not the same people. I really don't think we can be happy together- and that breaks my heart.

 

His problems with me- He says I haven't forgiven him (already discussed above) and won't let him forget his mistakes. He also says I do not support him in his work. Apparently, I wasn't excited enough when he got his promotion. However, I did buy him a new brief case and a card so I'm not sure what he wanted. I turned down sex this morning because we already had neighbor kids in our house running in and out and I didn't think it was a good time (40 min earlier would have been great). Even though we had been getting along relatively well (for us) prior to that, he jumped up all offended and then shot off some ridiculous response about going to a "massage parlor". But then, I was the one being ridiculous when I was angry with him for saying that to me- comparing sex with his wife of 17 years to whatever happens in some shady massage parlor. Note- I don't think he would actually cheat on me or go to one of those places. I think he was just spouting off but that's the kind of immature responses I have to constantly deal with. Also, he's very quick to call me selfish or make me feel like a bad mom and wife for being too exhausted to cook or clean much of the time when I was working and going to grad school.

 

I just don't know what to do- I feel stuck. I know that either decision (staying, leaving) will be difficult. I do know that my children are not witnessing a good example of marriage. But, even once I'm working again, I'm not sure I'll be able to support us financially on my own either.

[Decisiontomake]

Hi there. What an eloquent post. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Many of us here procrastinate for all sorts of reason; financial, fear, habit, kids etc - I am no different in that. But it's always easier to advise on others situations rather than deal with your own so I would ask if you've tried counseling either together or apart. You're probably right re H breakdown - am not excusing his actions since - but he probably has some of that darkness in him still. Marrying young - I did too - does seem to impact ongoing incompatibility so I know what you mean with that too. You're obviously strong in terms of setting your goal to graduate and doing it - should you chose to separate you will use that strength to make a life for you and your kids however hard that may be. Posting here is good - it will help you and I'm sure other's will be along soon to help as well.

[oldshirt]

You haven't mentioned anything about marital counseling or therapy.

 

Y'all have been through a lot and there have been a lot of changes as well as some serious real-world problems.

 

If there is a ray of hope here, it's that you haven't said anything about any violence, cruelty, addiction or adultery so there may be a possibility of turning this around.

 

Now that's a big "if" that depends a lot on him straightening things up and gaining a heaping dose of maturity, initiative and competence so that you can regain some respect and confidence in him. He's basically going to have to start doing the right things and pooping out gold nuggets for a few years before you can start to respect him as a man, husband and father again.

 

Your complaints are valid. Your loss/lack of respect and confidence in him is a serious matter than could easily lead you to snapping like a twig under the slightest pressure any moment so you really are right on the edge.

 

But I do think that counseling/therapy may be able to help you two either regain some trust and confidence in each other or help you to understand why you have lost your connections to each other and be able to disengage and move on with your lives with the least amount of pain and chaos and baggage.

 

In other words, counseling may help you each understand what you need to do to reconcile and stay together, or it can help you to move on as peacefully and cooperatively as possible. So bottom line is counseling can help regardless if you stay together or split.

[Stuck75]

Hi, thanks for the reply!

Yes, we've had many issues and some real world problems for sure! Also, I can say that the financial disasters were not all his fault and I believe we could have worked through those messes as a team. But, his lying and the way things were handled made everything so much worse and more difficult to fix!

 

Regarding counseling- We have both gone separately, but it's been a while. I know we need to go back- probably separately and together. He has asked to go before and there are times when I think he is truly trying. However, these last several years have been all about survival at times- putting food on table, keeping our home, paying bills- all while working, going to grad school and trying to be good parents and provide a "normal" home for our kids, who are very active in sports and activities. Basically, we muddled through- knowing our marriage was broken and being too exhausted to do anything about it.

 

Regarding addictions, abuse- He is a good man in some ways. He has always been a good, involved father. At times, he has been a helpful, decent husband too. He doesn't drink alcohol that often but I would equate his lying as an addictive and habitual behavior. I don't think he lies much anymore, but things are going well at work so he doesn't need to. Regarding abuse- We have had some extremely volatile fights under the pressure. We have both said awful and hurtful things to each other over the years and truth be told, we have both probably been verbally abusive to each other. There have also been only a handful of times (not for a long time) that he has been (borderline?) physically abusive and I have been genuinely scared of him- he is strong. He has put bruises on my arms (while squeezing hard and yelling at me), pushed me, and once put his hands near my neck (that was the worst). Saying (writing) these things sounds awful and some people will think I'm a fool for staying. Please keep in mind that I had a very long history (15+ years) with him before our arguments turned to anything this volatile and he had never, ever shown signs of this type of physical aggression towards me before- or for a long time (3 years or more?). So, I guess I had hoped it was extreme stress that brought him to that point and I know that he doesn't really want to hurt me (physically).

 

At any rate- yes we certainly have been through so much- probably too much to get past. It's just so complicated! I also never ever wanted to be divorced and feel like such a failure.

[oldshirt]

Ok that new information does paint a bit darker picture here. Those things do meet the bar of abuse.

 

I. Doi understand a that it is not a daily occurance but abuse doesn't need to be daily in order to hurt someone or cause the damage. And it's not really a valid excuse to say that t occurred in times of stress because times of stress will always occur periodically. Darren Wilson did not set out to hurt Michael Brown, it happened in a time of extreme stress but Brown is still dead and Wilson's life is ruined.

 

Given he new information, I will change my position from, ' you should consider MC before you thrown in the towel,' to, 'you must seek professional intervention and guidance before even considering staying together.'

[Stuck75]

Hi, thanks for the reply!

Yes, we've had many issues and some real world problems for sure! Also, I can say that the financial disasters were not all his fault and I believe we could have worked through those messes as a team. But, his lying and the way things were handled made everything so much worse and more difficult to fix!

 

Regarding counseling- We have both gone separately, but it's been a while. I know we need to go back- probably separately and together. He has asked to go before and there are times when I think he is truly trying. However, these last several years have been all about survival at times- putting food on table, keeping our home, paying bills- all while working, going to grad school and trying to be good parents and provide a "normal" home for our kids, who are very active in sports and activities. Basically, we muddled through- knowing our marriage was broken and being too exhausted to do anything about it.

 

Regarding addictions, abuse- He is a good man in some ways. He has always been a good, involved father. At times, he has been a helpful, decent husband too. He doesn't drink alcohol that often but I would equate his lying as an addictive and habitual behavior. I don't think he lies much anymore, but things are going well at work so he doesn't need to. Regarding abuse- We have had some extremely volatile fights under the pressure. We have both said awful and hurtful things to each other over the years and truth be told, we have both probably been verbally abusive to each other. There have also been only a handful of times (not for a long time) that he has been (borderline?) physically abusive and I have been genuinely scared of him- he is strong. He has put bruises on my arms (while squeezing hard and yelling at me), pushed me, and once put his hands near my neck (that was the worst). Saying (writing) these things sounds awful and some people will think I'm a fool for staying. Please keep in mind that I had a very long history (15+ years) with him before our arguments turned to anything this volatile and he had never, ever shown signs of this type of physical aggression towards me before- or for a long time (3 years or more?). So, I guess I had hoped it was extreme stress that brought him to that point and I know that he doesn't really want to hurt me (physically).

 

At any rate- yes we certainly have been through so much- probably too much to get past. It's just so complicated! I also never ever wanted to be divorced and feel like such a failure.

[endlessabyss]

Many points here to cover: In reference to the failed business, it seems like he may have took a gamble and lost. I see this all the time in my field, where an agent will come in with high aspirations, try his/her hardest, burn through a lot of saved money, but still come out underneath. I think what's most important is looking at his intentions. Was he trying to provide you and your family a better life? Was he doing this for the good of you and your children? The lies don't seem to come from a place to intentionally hurt you. It seems like, as a man, his pride may be wrapped up in all this, and wants to give the appearance that everything is fine. I mean, he maybe a little bothered his business didn't take off, and feels a little shame about that. Failure isn't an easy thing to swallow, especially for a man with a family.

 

 

Secondly, it seems like the stresses of life are taking a toll on your marriage. I know for sure that grad school is a very, very difficult and strenuous task. That, coupled with taking care of children, monetary problems, marital issues, and all other stressors can leave you in a difficult place, subsequently leaving you looking to make a change to find some relief and happiness. Just remember, your husband is in a similar place. He has all the same pressures that you have, and his frustrations maybe coming out through his interactions with you, hence the sex compliant and not feeling appreciated for his successes at work. The way your husband is handling the stress isn't the most mature way, which needs to be addressed, but it isn't unheard of. Maturing is a life process, and never ends, I don't care how old you are.

 

 

Now of days it seems like the first thing couples do when they experience a rough patch in life is to split. It's unfortunate to me, because the way the system is set up nowadays, it sets people up for hard times in a sense. We live in times where both partners have a great deal of stress on their back to provide financially (working a ton of hours), and the economy is like playing rush and roulette, making things that much more difficult. When financial problems sprout up the stress usually gets taken out on the marriage.

 

 

 

The only thing I could suggest is try looking past, and forgiving your partner for these lies that have built up resentment. These lies were not meant to hurt you (at least that is what it seems), but they are used to protect his ego/pride. Others here have suggested MC; maybe that would be a good plan to try and open communication up a little. Maybe a therapist could offer some coping methods for the stresses you are experiencing, so you're not taking out frustrations out on each other? In conclusion, it doesn't seem like your partner is a bad guy. He currently has steady employment, and is coming along well. There is still some digging to do to get out of the hole you guys were in, but over time that will work itself out. I would hope that you guys could somehow find a way to push through this rough patch, grow, and become a stronger couple when it is all said and done; not just for your sake, but also for your children's sake.

 

 

Divorce isn't always they key to happiness.

Edited December 21, 2014 by endlessabyss

[Stuck75]

"You're obviously strong in terms of setting your goal to graduate and doing it - should you chose to separate you will use that strength to make a life for you and your kids however hard that may be."

 

Decisiontomake- Thank you! I have been through a lot and I know that deep down, I am a strong person. However, on the surface, I feel like an overly sensitive, indecisive mess. I wish I could be sure of what I want- in terms of my marriage- and go after it with the persistence of a bulldog (like I did with school).

 

OldShirt- I understand your point and I suppose these incidents are always in the back of my mind. I do worry that this type of instability and rage could return.

 

Endlessabyss- You make a lot of good points. The lying was a coping mechanism for protecting his ego, not meant to be hurtful (it's not like he was cheating on me). Unfortunately, denial and burying his head in the sand is his way of handling things- which wreaks a lot of havoc in life. I really have tried to move on from all of it. However, I am not convinced that things will be better handled in the future. He has done some growing I think, but there are still so many things which need to be resolved and I feel it is his responsibility to at least work hard at resolving those financial issues to make things right.

 

Even if got rid of all of the "real world problems" and woke up in a world with no financial, life stressors, I just don't know if we love each other anymore. I want my kids to be happy and grow up in an intact family (this has been my goal and probably the #1 reason I have tried so hard), but I'm so afraid of living my whole life in this terrible marriage where there is no love. On the other hand, I'm also terrified of being alone.

 

For now, I need to continue to put one foot in front of the other- get through the holidays, finish a few things for grad school/licensure, get a job, etc. Then, I have a lot to think about and consider.

 

Thank you all for your replies! I try to be a positive person (it's really hard sometimes) but I have gone through periods of depression too where I seriously struggle with self-esteem and feeling unworthy of being loved. It helps to know that I am not crazy and alone.

[GirlStillStrong]

I obviously cannot tell you what to do with your life but as a third party reading your words on this thread describing him, his issues, the physical and emotional abuse, his lying and general neurotic behavior, the marriage and how you feel, I think you need to make a major change in life. I know you want your kids to have two parents still married but seriously? You sound miserable and your spouse sounds like a total whack-job. Yes, being alone or living independently can be stressful, but not nearly as stressful as living with your husband sounds. And anyway, if you want to grow in life, you face your fears, you don't run away from them. Statistics show that SOONER OR LATER, you are going to have to learn how to live alone, and I say there's no time like the present!

 

But honestly, my immediate reaction to your thread was I thought how living with men is such a pain in the ass. They are more trouble than they are worth.

[Mr. Lucky]

But honestly, my immediate reaction to your thread was I thought how living with men is such a pain in the ass. They are more trouble than they are worth.

 

There is one other gender you could cohabit and/or be intimate with. And they're very easy to get along with :lmao::lmao:...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GirlStillStrong]

There is one other gender you could cohabit and/or be intimate with. And they're very easy to get along with :lmao::lmao:...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I don't get it. If you mean women, I don't swing that way.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't get it. If you mean women, I don't swing that way.

Well, you seem to have ruled out men as a group. Doesn't leave a lot of other choices...

 

Mr. Lucky

[outthewindow]

Stuck, I have no advice for you I just wanted to give you a bit of support.

Hugs

[Stuck75]

Stuck, I have no advice for you I just wanted to give you a bit of support.

Hugs

 

OTW- Awe, thanks! It means a lot. I really don't have much support IRL. I mean, I do have a supportive family (they don't live close tho) and a couple close friends. But, it's hard to talk about my marriage with them. I mean my unhappiness and "rough patch" has been ongoing for many years- and no one wants to hear how unhappy you are really. Also, no one want to really hear about all your problems either. Frankly, it's a downer to be around people like that so I try to be upbeat most of the time. I guess that's why it's nice to get on here. It's an outlet.

[Stuck75]

And anyway, if you want to grow in life, you face your fears, you don't run away from them. Statistics show that SOONER OR LATER, you are going to have to learn how to live alone, and I say there's no time like the present!

 

But honestly, my immediate reaction to your thread was I thought how living with men is such a pain in the ass. They are more trouble than they are worth.

 

GST - You are probably right. It's been a long time coming and honestly, under different circumstances we probably would have divorced years ago! I just can't seem to figure out how to do this with all the complications. Sigh..... I do think it's inevitable though.......

 

I don't know about all men but this one..... pain in the ass for sure! That's the thing I wonder though, if I ever were to figure a way out of this mess, and someday meet someone else (uh yeah right- bc who the heck wants to date a middle aged woman with 3 kids and all the "stuff" I'm bound to carry around) wouldn't I just be trading in one set of problems for another?

[chew123]

Stuck75,

 

The physical abuse is disturbing. I would not be afraid that you will never meet someone, I do believe if you try there is someone else out there for you.

 

This being said, if you have any desire to save the marriage, get to a good counselor and give it a shot. In my opinion if you have no dealbreakers (the physical stuff may be one) then it is always best to try and save the marriage.

 

I am going through divorce because of a dealbreaker(ongoing infidelity). Believe me this is hard and we have no financial issues. Throw in them and you are in for an even longer road. Make sure you weigh the pros and cons and decide if it is worth it.

 

Whatever you choose you will survive. Try not to make your decision out of fear(of being alone or anything else). Fear of the unknown is not a good barometer for deciding whether to stay married.

 

Good luck with your decision, I know it is very tough for you.

 

GSS,

 

You often make comments about how men are not worth the trouble. Sure some men are not as are some women. And it sounds like you have made the decision to live alone and I respect that. But I believe the majority of us believe it is indeed worth the trouble and risk of living together. Sure we have to bend, but that is one of the important parts of love. Not necessarily changing, but accommodating each others needs.

 

I am not afraid of living alone and I am mostly doing it right now. However I really enjoyed the many years living with my wife and the good definetly outweighed the bad. And I look forward to eventually fnding another woman to live with.

[Stuck75]

Stuck75,

 

The physical abuse is disturbing. I would not be afraid that you will never meet someone, I do believe if you try there is someone else out there for you.

 

Whatever you choose you will survive. Try not to make your decision out of fear(of being alone or anything else). Fear of the unknown is not a good barometer for deciding whether to stay married.

 

Good luck with your decision, I know it is very tough for you.

 

GSS,

 

You often make comments about how men are not worth the trouble. Sure some men are not as are some women. And it sounds like you have made the decision to live alone and I respect that. But I believe the majority of us believe it is indeed worth the trouble and risk of living together. Sure we have to bend, but that is one of the important parts of love. Not necessarily changing, but accommodating each others needs.

 

I am not afraid of living alone and I am mostly doing it right now. However I really enjoyed the many years living with my wife and the good definetly outweighed the bad. And I look forward to eventually fnding another woman to live with.

 

Chew- Thank you so much for the words of encouragement! I've read parts of your thread and you seem to have gotten a raw deal. I am impressed however with your ability to put it behind you so quickly. Seems like you will definitely be fine!

 

I don't know why I am so afraid of being alone. Except that I've never really been alone and I absolutely can't stand to FEEL alone. And anyway, I would not really be alone - I have 3 boys who I love with all my heart. But, that's another thing that bothers me too. I love my boys, and I know they love me- but when they want to talk sports or whatever- they go to him. They have this connection- just by the sheer fact that they all have penises. I would fight to have them live with me and I would be devastated if they wanted to live with him. However, he works longer hours than I do and I will have more time off so it makes sense for me to have them. Of course, I would want to have easy visitation (if that is possible) because it would be easier on them if they saw him often. But unfortunately, he can so very petty. I see communication with him getting even more difficult if we split.

 

I know I am getting ahead of myself. I mean I haven't even wrapped my head completely around divorcing him- but these are just some of the things I worry about.

 

I've had a VERY rough few days for some reason. Christmas is usually a good time for us. But, after a particularly nasty argument (which started over something dumb and escalated- typical for us) I haven't been able to drag myself out of this funk. The usual things are not working for me and I feel this huge weight (it feels real/physical) on me. It's been hard to function and then that makes me feel awful because I should be baking or cleaning or otherwise making Christmas fun for my boys.

 

I guess I'm just venting at this point. This site has been good. I am grateful for all of you who've been kind enough to offer support! I've read a lot of your threads also and it's sad to know how much heartache is out there! But, I need to focus on what's good in my life- especially right now. Good luck to you all!

[Stuck75]

We are almost through the holidays at this point. I still can't seem to figure out how to proceed. I've mentioned previously that we have difficulty communicating. Sometimes, I swear, it's like we're speaking 2 different languages. Am I asking too much of him? Do most people just go through life with their partners never having those meaningful conversations? I don't think so, I think meaningful conversations are important, but I don't think he does.

 

Anyway, at this point, we aren't even trying to communicate. We basically ignore each other- except for short replies to necessary topics. It's so stupid and childish. It hasn't always been this way but, my attempt at open communication has never been received well. It has usually led to him getting very angry and calling me a complainer or a ***ch. In his mind, bringing up an issue or even just trying to sort something out (parenting strategies, etc) is complaining and being ungrateful or negative. Sometimes, it may be something that I am dissatisfied with and want to change. But, sometimes it's literally just trying to work though something. There might not be a right/wrong answer and I'm just looking for feedback, ideas, a sounding board, etc. In any case, this is the typical response from him, "all you do is complain" and "refuse to acknowledge anything good". Sometimes, I feel fine in the beginning and have no issues WITH HIM at all. But then, I leave the conversation in utter confusion and almost always feel so much worse than when I started. I don't know why I kept on trying for all these years-- accept that I desperately wanted to believe that we had some kind of connection and that he wanted the same thing I did.

 

His motto has been.... let's just ignore all the bad stuff and it'll go away on it's own. Let's pretend things are perfect all the time and gloss over anything uncomfortable or hard. Even dreaming of things and planning for the future when things ARE good has led to huge arguments and misinterpreted feelings...... Let's not talk about the future, or plan for anything better (otherwise, we're disparaging what we have now, "can't you just be happy?"). Because I guess if we acknowledge anything we'd like to improve then that means we are UNhappy and UNgrateful with whatever the current situation (our home, our kids, our finances).

 

I think it's better to acknowledge and work out problems as they arise- because ignoring them only makes them grow and eventually blow up in your face (he should know this from experience). Also, I can be happy and grateful for what is, and still have dreams and make plans to improve things. I think that's important if you want to live a fulfilled life. I'm pretty sure he would live like this indefinitely. But, I feel so alone, and devastated over the lack of connection, authenticity. love, affection and the overall sorry state of our marriage.

 

I think I needed to write things out for myself. I know that I have not been a perfect wife. I probably could have been more supportive at times. But, I've never cheated, I don't lie and I have tried to keep a positive attitude for the most part. I stood by him when he was at his lowest and I committed to sticking by him in the future and working on things- I was determined that we would come out stronger on the other side. I used to see so much potential under his rough exterior. But, you can't force someone into growing and maturing. I do feel that I've forgiven him. I think that he should make reparations for the (ongoing) damage his mistakes and lies have caused in the past. Does that mean I haven't forgiven? Sometimes, I wonder if my own inadequacies have led to him behaving the way he has. Maybe it's no one's fault. Maybe we're just incompatible. I'm just so sad and lonely- and I don't see an end in sight.

[BexBounds]

I can truly identify with how you are feeling right now. When I read your post, so much of it sounds like my own life. I feel like I have been trying to make my marriage work for almost as long as we've been married. I feel that sense of disconnection, of not being enough, of wanting too much out of the relationship, of feeling like I've tried so hard but I'm still not happy.

 

We've been married for 24 years. Our kids are 23 and 20 now. Your kids are much younger, and that makes your situation that much more complicated. The only advice I have for you is that, if you decide on the MC route, you both have to want the marriage to work, you both have to be 100% committed to the process and, most importantly, you have to continue with the counseling long after you both think you're ready to make it on your own.

 

My reason for saying this is that we've tried the counseling at various stages of our marriage but, as soon as we saw some light at the end of the tunnel, we thought we could get there on our own. Then, the next thing we realized, things had deteriorated once again.

 

I feel such deep sadness over the "death" of our marriage. I explained it to my husband like this: to me, it feels like our marriage has a chronic illness. Each time that it's condition has got worse, we've rushed it off for treatment and stood over it like concerned parents. However, the moment it started to look a little healthier, we started forgetting to give it the daily medications that had been prescribed. Of course, it started to feel ill again, and so the cycle began again. Each time our marriage got sick, it got more damaged, and more difficult to revive. At this stage, I'm not sure we can save it although, of course, my husband wants me to stay and give it "one last try". What I'm trying to say to you is, if you're prepared to try to fix it, then you have to make sure you do a proper job of that, so that it lasts.

 

Take care.

[outthewindow]

Stuck I am so sorry you are in this situation. My ex and I don't have kids so my decision was easier in that regard, but I also know that I put up with his pettiness and anger and being the bad guy for years before I had finally had enough. And no matter how many friends told me to leave it just wasn't the right time for me to do it then. It is now, but I had to get to that place myself. At the end of the day you need to get there too, in your own time, and in your own way.

 

No one need to live with the consequences of your decisions but you and your kids, not your friends and not even your family so make it right for you.

 

If you aren't ready to leave right now, that's ok. If things keep going the way they are hopefully one day you will be and that will be the right time for you. Don't feel bad about it. Don't feel like you're wasting time, you're not, your coming to terms with things at your own pace and that's the most important thing to do.

 

And there are worse things than being alone.

 

Being in a marriage where you don't trust your partner, and I don't necessarily mean from an affair point of view, is the loneliest place to be. For me, at least now that I'm alone I know I have to rely on myself, and I know I won't let myself down. Before I was always hoping for him to be my support and was always devestated when he couldn't come through for me.

 

I'll take this type of alone over the other any day of the week.

 

Sending you hugs