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Husband cursed me in front of daughter


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Our 17 year old daughter was there on the sofa next to me the entire time, the look on her face heartbreaking. She didn't say a word.

 

That you would focus on your daughter's presence implies it's OK to treat you with a total lack of respect and consideration but not her. And that your H would apologize for treating you that way "in front of her" says the same thing. Add in the marital rape and it paints a particularly ugly picture.

 

Think about the message you're sending your daughters...

 

Mr. Lucky

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That you would focus on your daughter's presence implies it's OK to treat you with a total lack of respect and consideration but not her. And that your H would apologize for treating you that way "in front of her" says the same thing. Add in the marital rape and it paints a particularly ugly picture.

 

Think about the message you're sending your daughters...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, I am just now seeing what I'm doing to my daughters. Daughter no. 1, 19 1/2. She has a good heart and is caring. But she feels she isn't worthy of gifts. She has seen my H through the years bitch about Christmas and b'days and rarely giving me anything. Nothing of value for sure. Her bf wants to marry her in the future and is wealthy...land money, and he will be working offshore for a great salary starting in May after he graduates college. She refuses his gifts and got upset when he gave her a necklace costing $2k. I had to explain to her that she should learn to accept gifts and she is valuable. It is good she doesn't lean on him for support and pays her own way for things.

 

Daughter no. 2, 17, will be 18 next month. She closes in everything and doesn't express herself well, like me. I'm trying to work with her, teaching her it is ok to feel things and express herself. I also notice she will speak to me like her father ... Like I'm crap. She later apologies, explaining that I'm "safe" and she knows I won't leave, so she lets out on me. Surprisingly, she has great boundaries. She chooses healthy friendships and has no tolerance for games and handled a recent long term breakup with her first ever boyfriend that I can only admire, and she was hurt deeply.

 

They are both strong believers in God and I have tried to instill in them to look to Him.

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She closes in everything and doesn't express herself well, like me. I'm trying to work with her, teaching her it is ok to feel things and express herself.

 

Think about this very carefully.

 

Truthfully, we teach with our actions. We teach by role modeling healthy behaviors. Words alone mean nothing.

 

What are you teaching her about how men should treat her?

 

I hope she doesn't follow in your footsteps, for her sake and yours. I'm sure you want your little girl to choose a man who treats her with love, kindness and self-respect.

 

Doesn't the woman who carried her inside her body and birthed her deserve the same?

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God? God wouldn't approve of you allowing any man to treat you like crap!

 

Honor yourself! Show your girls by example how a woman should be treated - by leaving the abusive a-hole!

 

Lead by example!

 

Your daughter learned to stay quiet just like you - show her by actions that it needs to be different than that.

 

I hope you stop trying to explain more abuse and start whetting into action to change things.

 

Have you had enough of that abusive mooch? Are you considering divorcing him? That would be leading by example that no man should treat a woman that way! And that's all you need to say when your kids ask you why you are divorcing.

 

Being on your own is easier than being with an abusive man that doesn't act like a respectful partner.

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And I'd be glad to listen to his beefs with me if he would JUST TELL ME.

 

I read some of your other threads. Maybe some of why he is acting this way towards you and treats you with no respect is because of that.

 

There are many issues going on in your marriage and they've been there for a long time.

 

Soon your kids will be out of the house completely so you need to decide if you want to stay married and be miserable or divorce and find "you" again so you can feel happier.

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The ugly words came through the years. He was actually a kind and easy going person when we met. He still is to all but me. I ignored the red flags early on about money and putting his family first because his family is tight and that's the way it is/was. He still borrows from his mom and sister when he runs low. I thought he would grow as I did, but he chooses to remain a victim.

 

To answer you. I've learned in therapy I have co-dependent issues. My FOO isn't healthy. Although much better now, my mom might be borderline and histrionic, and was abusive when I was a child. My father, divorced from my mom, is a cold person, probably somewhat narcissist. He's very wealthy, but wouldn't offer a dime to help. And that's ok! His money. But he barely knows his grandkids.

 

All I want is to give love and be loved. All my life that's what I've wanted and didn't seem to have. Simple. I stuck around thinking "if only I do better." i don't mean to ramble in my answers. I think I'm letting it all out.

 

Yes, you are prime steak to abusive men.

Your sense of self worth is low, you had an abusive/dysfunctional childhood, you need to be wanted and you are a "caring" personality type.

Watch, if you haven't already done so.

"15 Traits of People Pleaser Syndrome (in 15 minutes)"

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I expressed myself as I've been in counseling to learn to speak my emotions and what I'm feeling rather than shutting down.

 

 

what am I missing? why would an IC work with you on 'expressing myself' in this situation:you (A), he (apparently everything else). I fear this thread is being 'framed' to avoid dealing with the real issues.

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what am I missing? why would an IC work with you on 'expressing myself' in this situation:you (A), he (apparently everything else). I fear this thread is being 'framed' to avoid dealing with the real issues.

 

I also think the OP is avoiding doing what she knows she must. Which is leave. I am afraid that "expressing" herself in order to try to "fix" him could amp up his behaviour.

 

The best expressing herself she can do is leave and file for divorce. If he has ever made any threats or does she needs to go to the police and a woman's shelter. From someone with a history of anger management problems you never take those lightly.

 

The best thing you can do for all of you, him included, is leave. It shows your daughters strength and that it is never to late to stand up for yourself. And his behaviour is unacceptable. It stops enabling him and it sets you free of his brow beating.

 

hire a new IC. Yours sounds like a dud. unless of course she has encouraged you to leave and you have ignored her advice. If so, stop ignoring.

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  • 1 month later...
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I went to IC to learn to express myself in a logical way so I could speak with clarity. He wants no part of a MC, not interested.

 

Well he is threatening to leave and has packed 2 boxes. I asked him to wait until our daughter graduates, as she has had a rough senior year and doesn't need this. He's become increasingly absent and meaner. When I try to open up and get him to talk, it's all my fault. I've raised our daughters virtually by myself and paid for most things. He won't hear me. I'm willing to do MC to try to work things, but he makes it impossible. Yes, I've done some wrong. But, it wasn't planned and it was after I shut down and gave up. The 180 didn't work for me, to only made him more angry.

 

He called me a "c" and curses me, then 2 nights later wonders why I can't have sex and won't talk about it, just curses me more.

 

But I'm at peace with whatever happens. I've been released. I wasn't released before. If my future is without him, it's okay. I'm actually looking forward to seeing what happens, either way.

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ArtsAndCrafts

You are being so stupid. This jerk is offering to leave. He's giving you an "out" and YOU WON'T take it! Your daughter would be better off with this violent abuser out of the house, and you know it. You're just making excuses.

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But I'm at peace with whatever happens. I've been released. I wasn't released before. If my future is without him, it's okay. I'm actually looking forward to seeing what happens, either way.

 

I have no patience for weak women that sit quiet while someone pisses all over them. You identified the fact that your co-dependence may have had a bad effect on your girls and yet you sit there and keep feeding the cycle. Then use your daughter's school as an excuse because you're too cowardly to make a decision for yourself. Trust me him leaving now won't make a damn difference in her life after tolerating years of watching you get abused.

 

My god find your courage and stand tall. You remind me of my mother. I wish she was a strong woman but she was like you. If only she knew how much it was going to affect her children. The difference is you know, but you chose to blind yourself.

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Let him leave, Daisy.

 

There are many reasons why each of us excuse mistreatment from spouses, lovers, friends and family members.

 

I don't belive its because we are not strong people. I believe in many cases, it's because of what we've seen growing up or experienced. Yep, I'm talking about our FOO people.

 

You are in counseling. Keep at that.

 

He is not willing to grow and change with you. I imagine his FOO issues are a directly related to why he thinks he can't treat you the way he does. No excuse for him...but he needs help.

 

You are better off alone than with someone who mistreats you and disrespect you.

 

Stay strong, girl. Pack his bags for him and lead him to the door.

 

RL

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But I'm at peace with whatever happens. I've been released. I wasn't released before. If my future is without him, it's okay. I'm actually looking forward to seeing what happens, either way.

 

You know there is the 3rd option of releasing YOURSELF, right?

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Well he is threatening to leave and has packed 2 boxes. I asked him to wait until our daughter graduates, as she has had a rough senior year and doesn't need this. He's become increasingly absent and meaner. When I try to open up and get him to talk, it's all my fault. I've raised our daughters virtually by myself and paid for most things. He won't hear me

 

Actually your daughter would be better off. Less stress and bad energy in the house if he leaves now. Please, your daughters knows their father and as you say he's got issues which I'm sure has affected your whole family unit and she knows you're not happy either. Your daughters know it's YOU who is holding the family together as you do everything and have more or less raised them on your own. You even say you've paid for everything! Some 'family man' he is, not even helping out financially!

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Have him leave!

 

Your household will be a much safer and more peaceful place for your daughter and kids when he's gone.

 

And you will be showing them that you intend to protect them and show them by example that treating others the way he's treated all of you is completely unacceptable.

 

Otherwise your kids to grow up thinking this is THEIR sense of "normal" for them - and they will choose an abusive partner for themselves thinking it's normal.

 

Be the change you wish to see - make change happen by removing him from the house.

 

And let you find peace within your own home.

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"Last night my husband knew I was upset with him. I expressed myself as I've been in counseling to learn to speak my emotions and what I'm feeling rather than shutting down"

 

Riiiight. He always goes completely nuclear when you calmy express yourself. Did you say something condescending or disrespectful to him in front of your daughter? Maybe you pushed a button?

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"Last night my husband knew I was upset with him. I expressed myself as I've been in counseling to learn to speak my emotions and what I'm feeling rather than shutting down"

 

Riiiight. He always goes completely nuclear when you calmy express yourself. Did you say something condescending or disrespectful to him in front of your daughter? Maybe you pushed a button?

 

No, that's just it. I ask him to talk to me, he says there's nothing to say. I ask him to go to counseling with me so that we can get help and he's not interested. He's always done what he wanted saying he didn't care how I felt with him always being gone and to go do what I wanted to do. He's happy hanging out with his large family, drinking beer on the weekends. There is so much to do around here but I can't get him involved. It's always been this way. I just gave up and quit caring and asking where he was going, etc., he noticed, but when I asked that we get help, he said no.

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To y'all who continue to offer support, thank you. I think I'm done. I plan to tell him we need to get moving with things. Re co-dependency issues, I didn't know about that all these years, it's something I just learned, and it explains a lot. I feel sick that I stuck around and raised my girls in this. I never thought I was being weak, but strong, trying to stick it out and have a family. If someone had showed me the book I just read re co-dependency, which opened my eyes, maybe things would have been different. I'm angry with myself.

 

Thank you all again so much.

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You'd do your daughters a great service by ending this relationship yourself, so that you could teach them that they have choices and that there's NEVER any reason to live your life with an idiot such as this man.

 

I see this ALL THE TIME. People persistent in salvaging these destructive marriages and it's just plain sad. The thing you have completely missed is that your husband likes who he is and he likes tormenting you and making you feel bad. You can't comprehend this because you don't think like him. So, it would never occur to you that someone actually gets a "high" off of verbally and emotionally abusing someone. Even this "leaving act" is just that -- he's full of crap and every single thing he does is designed to control and hurt you. Power over others is his drug of choice. Not everyone thinks like you. Not everyone comes from a place of kindness and introspection. Learn this and never, ever forget it. And the next time a man makes you feel bad about being who you are, I hope you will drop him like a hot potato. Life is too short to waste it on someone like this.

 

My suggestion: take his key and show him to the door!

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To y'all who continue to offer support, thank you. I think I'm done. I plan to tell him we need to get moving with things. Re co-dependency issues, I didn't know about that all these years, it's something I just learned, and it explains a lot. I feel sick that I stuck around and raised my girls in this. I never thought I was being weak, but strong, trying to stick it out and have a family. If someone had showed me the book I just read re co-dependency, which opened my eyes, maybe things would have been different. I'm angry with myself.

 

Thank you all again so much.

 

This is good, good for you!!!

 

Now gather all your strength and courage and get him away from all of you! No need at all in interact with any abuser - you sign up to be his victim by any interactions.

 

Be strong - we are here to support you!

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Short answer: no.

 

You're painting yourself as the victim and him as the abuser. I suspect that this is a product of your selfish tendencies. You're justifying your affair with his behaviour. Why didn't you get a divorce earlier? Why resort to an affair.

 

You are absolutely wrong to have an affair. Yeah...your husband's behaviour is wrong as well. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

You took a dump on your wedding vows (i.e. you disrespected him). He swears at you in front of daughter. Which is worse? I'm going to go with banging another dude. Neither of you have clean hands.

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lucy_in_disguise

Good god woman. How have you stayed in this marriage for almost 20 years? All your posts are depressing. Yah you fcvked another dude... doesn't mean you deserve a lifetime of being treated like s1ht. Why do you stay? I mean really whats in it for either of you? Im not feeling a ton of lost love between you two nor does it seem like you have a particularly functional household. Even financially it sounds like youd be better off on your own.

 

There's a big world out there and i think youd both be much happier calling this one. And you daughters wouldn't have to witness their mom being treated like s1ht.

 

Grow some balls and leave.

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You're painting yourself as the victim and him as the abuser. I suspect that this is a product of your selfish tendencies. You're justifying your affair with his behaviour. Why didn't you get a divorce earlier? Why resort to an affair.

 

You are absolutely wrong to have an affair. Yeah...your husband's behaviour is wrong as well. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

You took a dump on your wedding vows (i.e. you disrespected him). He swears at you in front of daughter. Which is worse? I'm going to go with banging another dude. Neither of you have clean hands.

 

Fair enough. I was wrong. But you know, it takes one by surprise when someone tells you that you are desirable and a beautiful woman, and wakes up something so deep inside. I didn't just have an affair to have sex with another man. In fact, I'm quite the opposite, I can't have sex without emotion and connection and love. I never played the field. This affair began after 15 years of all I have written about...weekends home alone while I sat waiting for him to come home. Time and time again asking if he'd like to go to dinner or a movie. I can count on one hand when we did. He always had somewhere to go, someone else's business to take care of, and years of telling me he was going to do what he wanted saying he didn't care how I felt, and I was free to do as I wanted. Then he came along. So I did. I was lonely and dead.

 

Yeah I was wrong. But for a while I felt alive, valuable, and wanted.

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When YOU find that you value yourself - you will stop needing external validation and you will also refuse to allow others to abuse you.

 

I was the victim for many years because I ALLOWED it. I had no one to blame but myself for staying and taking more. I had to take action to change it. It was only up to me.

 

Stop allowing it.

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